


Wake Me Up When September Ends

by lullys



Series: September Verse [1]
Category: Actor RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Disabled Character, Drama, Fluff and Angst, Green Day makes an appearance, Hurt Jared Padalecki, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Overdosing, Paralysis, Permanent Injury, Physical Disability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Chad, September 11 Attacks, September Verse, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Substance Abuse, Survivor Guilt, firefighter Jared Padalecki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-02 08:52:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 131,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10941117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullys/pseuds/lullys
Summary: It started out as a regular Tuesday morning in New York City. The sun was bright in the sky when at 8:46 a.m., a plane crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. 2,606 people died in there that day, but there were also survivors.Jared and Jensen meet for the first time in a night that hadn't gone so well for either of them, and they build an instant connection. An unplanned second encounter happens while a building is threatening to collapse on their heads, and an impossible choice has to be made.The attack leaves deep scars, both physically and mentally, and they are going to learn that the hardest part wasn’t surviving September 11th. Finding the strength to keep living in the aftermath of what that day caused is what proves to be the real challenge, especially when the light at the end of the tunnel seems impossible to reach.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and thanks for reading my story once again! As usual I'll talk more about it in the end of the fic. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!! (And please don't hate me lol)
> 
> Warnings: descriptions of September 11th attack (only in the first couple of chapters), permanent injury, physical disability, PTSD, survivor’s guilt, alcoholism, depression, substance abuse, accidental overdose, a lot of angst, hurt/comfort, hurt!Jared
> 
> Disclaimer: One of the themes in this fic is the September 11th attack. I'm very aware this is a tough subject, I wasn't sure if I should write about it, but american friends, specially one who was a part of it, told me it was okay (she ended up as my beta and approving the fic). As I said in the warnings, the attack happens on the first couple of chapters, out of 29. The fic is centered on the long process Jared and Jensen go through in the aftermath, how they deal with what happened to them, and of course, the main focus of this fic is their story together and their healing process. I don't mean to be disrespectful in any way, I just wanted to use this event as a part of my fic. I wanted to put this out there since I've been getting some messages about how I shouldn't mess with 9/11. But I don't see it that way, I'm only using an event in history to write a fic, like many other authors already did with other events, that's all. So I hope you guys enjoy it.
> 
> Thanks to my amazing beta [Heather](http://sammichgirl.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> [Artpost by Kaelysta](http://kaelysta.livejournal.com/70861.html) (send her love if you can, because she did an amazing job and deserves all the praise!!)
> 
> [Soundtrack on Youtube](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6_jFN9aavogS7YAGbZ92oxqS7m_B7tHG)
> 
> There are some songs that go with particular scenes in this story, so in a few chapters I'm gonna include a link to a song that's meant for a scene in there.
> 
> Please, if you can, spare some time to tell me what you think of this fic. Comments are like payment for an author, and what makes me want to write more!

__

 

_“We are born in one day. We die in one day. We can change in one day._  
_And we can fall in love in one day. Anything can happen in just one day.”_  
_\- Gayle Forman_

 

**Tuesday, September 11th, 2001 - 8:30 am**

**Manhattan, NY**

**_Jared_ **

When Jared arrives at the fire station that morning, he has a smile on his face, despite his tiredness. He tries to act cool as he greets his coworkers, but Chad gives him a knowing smirk as both friends dress into their uniforms.

“What’s up Jaybird? Had a good time last night while I was away?” Chad nudges Jared's shoulder, wiggling his eyebrows at him. Jared scoffs but there is no way he can get out of this one. Chad is not only his roommate (who was out with one of his friends with benefits last night), he is also Jared's oldest friend and knows him too well.

“It's nothing Chad, it's just…” Jared shrugs as he starts, thinking about Jensen again as he gets goosebumps. It's everything _but_ nothing, he just wants to keep the details to himself for now. “I was upset last night because of Justin so I went out by myself to have a drink and I met this guy. We talked for awhile and he's nice, that's all.”

Chad smirks again. “Nice Jaybird! Although I really hope you have his number saved on your phone. Please tell me you have his number!”

Jared rolls his eyes. “I do, okay! We're still in contact!”

Chad yells “That's my Jaybird!” as both of them walk back to the main area. It's a quiet morning and they haven't been called for anything yet, so Jared fishes his phone from his pocket and checks the message Jensen had sent him half an hour ago.

_I had a great time last night! Hope you have a good day. Talk to you later?_

Jared had promptly answered, saying he had really enjoyed last night as well, and hell yeah they were talking later. Jared only knew Jensen for a little over 12 hours but he couldn't keep his mind off him. Jensen was kind and funny and smart, not to mention drop dead gorgeous. He had the whole package going on and Jared couldn't wait to get to know him more. He had thought it was gonna take a long time for him to get over Justin, but surprisingly enough, all thoughts of his ex had vanished from Jared's mind after meeting the green eyed man last night.

Jared spends a few minutes talking to some fellow firefighters about the last Yankees game, and then goes to grab himself a cup of coffee. He is having his first sip when their chief, Officer Morgan, enters the room.

“Everybody get ready,” he yells to make himself heard. “We've received calls stating that a plane just crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. I don't have many details yet, but we're all heading that way, let's not waste time!”

Jared and the others run back to the changing room to put on their bunker gear, Jared wondering the whole time how the hell a plane managed to crash into the WTC. Did the pilot fall asleep? He hopes everyone in there is okay.

Just as Jared is about to put his cell phone in his locker, it starts to ring in his hand. The small display at the front informs him it's Jensen, and for a moment he considers not answering, he's in the middle of an emergency after all, but something inside him makes his hand flip the phone open and press the answer button. When he puts his phone to his ear, he's met by a lot of noise before he can even say hello.

“Jensen?” There’s a loud noise like something just crashed on the ground and Jared is instantly alert. “Jensen? Are you there?”

It takes another few moments but Jensen’s voice finally appears, sounding distant and cracked, and it only serves to make Jared more worried while he listens to it. “Jared? JARED? Can you hear me?”

Jared glues the phone to his ear as he answers. “I’m here Jensen, what the hell is going on? Are you okay?”

There’s another loud bang before Jensen answers. “I don’t know, Jared! There was a loud crash or something and the whole building trembled and it’s all chaos here and I’m trying to get down but there are so many people, there’s smoke everywhere and it’s so dark! I don’t know what is going on but we need help here!”

Chad yells for Jared to hurry but he ignores him, and he processes for a second what Jensen just said when it dawns on him. He has to hold onto his locker door for support because his knees falter under him.

“Jensen, are you in the North Tower?”

“Yes! Jared please, I’m scared, I….” But the call is disconnected and Jensen’s voice is cut off. Jared’s head is buzzing as he sits down on the bench behind him and desperately tries to call Jensen back, but it’s no use, it goes straight to voicemail. Jared forces his legs to work and runs upstairs, where the rest of the firemen are getting the final supplies, and the TV is on. For the first time, Jared has an image of what is really happening at the World Trade Center. One of the buildings is burning and there are thick, dark clouds of smoke coming out of it. From the looks of it, it wasn’t a small plane and this whole thing seems a lot worse than Jared had originally imagined. And there’s only one thing on his mind: Jensen is in there.

Jared grabs his gear bag and climbs on the truck, yelling to the men still on the ground. “Let’s go!”

*

**Monday, September 10th, 2001 - around 7 pm**

**Queens, NY**

**_Jared_ **

Jared finished his first beer and asked the bartender for another one. He knew he had to work in the morning, but goddamn it he needed the alcohol in his system right now. He hoped tomorrow was a slow day at work, because Jared managed to screw his day off. Why did he have to go looking for Justin anyway? Because he was stupid, that’s why.

They had been dating for months, Justin was also in the FDNY but worked at another station. They had met in training, and Jared was gone after 5 minutes of talking. Things went smoothly between them after that, and they were together for 8 months. Jared was totally in love with Justin, and he was completely sure Justin felt the same, until one day a month ago when his boyfriend flat out told him that it was over. Jared had begged (it was ridiculous actually), but Justin had just told him he didn’t feel the same way and there was someone else. And that was it.

Jared was left heartbroken and Chad wanted to kick Justin’s ass. He still can’t get over Justin, and earlier that day Jared had the brilliant idea of going to his apartment building to wait for him to come home from work, to get a glimpse of him. And he did, he saw Justin arriving with another fireman, and they were walking ridiculously close. And laughing. And sharing secret smiles. And Jared just stayed in his hidden spot and watched them. God, he’s pathetic.

So, Jared did the only thing he could think of, he ran to the bar close to his house. Knowing your ex-boyfriend is seeing someone is one thing, but actually seeing it… Jared picked up the new beer bottle and downed half of it in one gulp.

When he put his bottle down, a man showed up and sat down on the stool beside him, calling for the bartender.

“Gimme whatever you have on tap please, the strongest one.” The guy’s voice was deep and Jared couldn’t help but notice that.

“Might as well have a whiskey then.” Jared said and cursed himself right after the sentence left his mouth. Damn him and his inability to keep his mouth shut.

The guy turned towards Jared and whoa, green eyes much? Jared tried to act cool as he studied the guy’s face for a couple seconds, as much as he could in the dim light anyway, and he liked what he saw. Just whoa.

“Excuse me?” Green Eyes replied, but he didn’t look mad or anything, just curious, as he also studied Jared, noticing him for the first time.

“Nothing” Jared shrugged, “just that if you need something stronger, might as well go all the way.”

Green Eyes smiled and oh, boy. He had the most gorgeous smile on top of everything. Not that Jared noticed any of those things, because he totally didn’t.

“I wish dude.” The guy told him, “but whiskey gives me a bad headache so I might stick to the beer. Actually if I think about it, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea at the moment.”

Jared winced in sympathy as the bartender placed a tall glass in front of the guy. “Having a tough night?”

He brought the glass closer to him and took a sip, then made a sound of approval. “You could say so. My friend Chris had the brilliant idea of setting me up on a blind date, and I’ve been waiting for almost two hours now. Guess it’s safe to say I got stood up.”

The guy licked the beer off his upper lip and Jared couldn’t help but trace the movement. “Well, it’s their loss,” he said, eyes never leaving the guy’s mouth.

“Is that so?” The guy chuckled and Jared replayed in his head what he just said. Fuck. Why couldn’t he keep his goddamn mouth shut just for once? He looked down at his own hands and felt his cheeks blushing furiously.

“No, I mean-- I just said that I don’t-- I don’t mean it like _that_ , I’m sorry, I think that you’re just, you know…” Jared stuttered and apparently the guy took pity on him, because he placed a gentle hand on Jared’s shoulder. When Jared finally had the nerve to look up, the guy was smiling again.

“Hey, it’s fine, really.” He stared pointedly at Jared and raised an eyebrow. “The _guy_ that was supposed to meet me here tonight stood me up, but maybe it is only his loss after all.”

He stressed the word as if to get his point across and Jared eyes widened. “Oh… oh! Wow, okay then.” Jared felt relieved that they were on the same page here and he hadn’t made a complete fool of himself, just a little. He smiled at the guy. “Since we’re sharing, I just saw my ex-boyfriend with his new lover and up until a month ago he promised he loved only me.”

The guy stared at Jared for a moment, then picked up his glass and clinked it with Jared’s bottle. “Fine, you win.”

They both drank, and as both put their bottle and glass down, the guy extended a hand at Jared. “Hi, I’m Jensen.”

A unique guy, with a unique name, Jared liked it very much. He took the offered hand and shook it, feeling all warm inside with the touch. “Nice to meet you, I’m Jared.”

And it happened so naturally. Before Jared really stopped to think about it, they had new beers in front of them, and Jared knew Jensen was also from Texas, his family was still back there, and he came here to work at a law firm. He’s actually gonna make partner in a few months and Jared couldn’t help but be impressed, since Jensen told him he’s only 29.

In return, Jared told Jensen he came from San Antonio to New York about five years ago after his mother died, the only family member he had. Jared had nothing left for him in his hometown, so he packed his few belongings, used the little money he had and bought a plane ticket to New York. Here he found Chad, his old friend from high school who had moved to the Big Apple to go to college. He moved in with him, and eventually became a firefighter after working at a grocery store for a while. Chad also ended up joining the force and now they work side by side. He told Jensen how much he loves being a firefighter, how it felt like this was what he was born to do.

Jared only briefly mentioned Justin, how he was also a firefighter and they were together for 8 months before Justin dumped him. If Jared was honest with himself, he hadn’t thought about Justin once ever since he started talking to Jensen, which was odd. But he didn’t want to think about it. All he wanted to do, was listen to Jensen’s amazing voice and stare into his deep eyes.

Two or three hours later, they’ve shared fries, buffalo wings and even had tequila shots. Jared had always been a light head, so he knew he was a bit tipsy. But he’d been having one of the best nights of his life, hands down. Jensen is funny, smart, humble and goddamn gorgeous. Had Jared already mentioned how gorgeous Jensen was? Because he was ridiculously gorgeous. And funny, and smart. So yeah, maybe Jared was a bit in love with Jensen. He never believed in love at first sight but he thought that was because he hadn’t felt that yet. He didn’t even know who the fuck Justin was anymore, because the guy in front of him? Jared might have only known him for a couple of hours, but he was very sure that if Jensen asked to marry him right on the spot, Jared would say yes.

He wished they were in Vegas.

Suddenly, the current song that was playing ended and Good Riddance by Green Day started, making Jared smile widely.

“Dude! That’s the best band ever and the best song by the best band ever!”

Jensen frowned. “Uh… who’s singing?”

Jared’s mouth dropped and he stared at Jensen as if he had just told him he kills babies for a living.

“Please don’t tell me you don’t know Green Day!”

Jensen chuckled. “I know Basket Case, isn’t that enough?”

At that, Jared laughed. “No! You need to be educated on what’s good, Basket Case is a good song but they have a lot more okay? This is Good Riddance and it’s my favorite song in the world, show some respect!”

Jared kept smiling as the song progressed, making Jensen stare deeply at him.

“What?” Jared asked, unable to stop because everything felt too damn good.

“Nothing, it’s just…” Jensen considered Jared for a moment before continuing. “You have the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.”

Jared looked down and blushed furiously. When he finally had the nerve to look up again, Jensen was still staring at him. “And you have ridiculously gorgeous eyes. And face. And I’ll shut up now.”

Jensen laughed at that, throwing his head back and exposing throat. Jared had to reposition himself on the stool because his body was reacting to all that perfection.

They talked a bit more as they finished their beers, and Jared wanted nothing more than to take Jensen home and let the man have his way with him, but a) he had to work tomorrow and b) they literally _just met_ , and Jared had to preserve a bit of the mystery.

It was actually Jensen who decided to call it a night first when he checked his watch. “God, I wish we could stay here forever but I have an early call tomorrow… but oh man, I’m so happy that guy stood me up.”

Jared laughed. “Yeah, and I’m glad Justin dumped me too… I had a great night, Jensen.”

They held each other’s gaze for a while, and Jared wanted so much to lean over and kiss Jensen, but he knew there was an audience and some people might not like it too much. Jared was so not in the mood to deal with shit tonight, he was too happy.

Jensen asked for Jared’s phone and typed his number on it, calling his own phone so he has Jared’s number saved. He handed Jared back his device.

“Here. Now you know where to find me.” Jared’s fingers brushed with Jensen’s as he took his phone back and his whole body tingled.

Both of them paid their tabs and walked out of the bar together. Jensen told Jared he was gonna take a cab home, since he lived about 15 minutes away. Jared decided to just walk since it’s only a couple blocks. Before Jared could even start looking for a cab for Jensen though, he felt himself being pushed towards a dark corner, and Jensen gently pressing him against a wall.

Jensen placed both hands on Jared’s hips and leant over. Jared captured his face with both hands pressing their mouths together, and fuck yes. The kiss was chaste, just lips pressing together, but it was like they _fit_. Jared felt more connected to Jensen with just one kiss than he ever did with Justin and the others before him. God, he couldn’t wait to get to know Jensen more.

They broke the kiss, and Jensen looked up at him. “Ya know, I love how freaking tall you are.”

“Is that so?” Jared smiled and pulled Jensen in, enveloping him with his arms in a bear hug, pressing him against his own body, and Jensen just held him tight for a long time. It’s hard to explain, but Jared felt at home, like he hadn’t in a long time.

Eventually they found Jensen a cab, and before climbing in, Jensen kissed Jared on the cheek, and Jared felt warm all over again. He watched as the car drove away, with the promise that they would talk tomorrow.

Jared walked home feeling happy and satisfied, a completely different feeling from when he got there. He thanked whoever was up there for bringing him to this bar tonight, so he could meet Jensen. Everything was looking great and when he fell asleep half an hour later, the last thing he saw were a pair of green eyes staring back at him.

He couldn’t wait for tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQK4YfiPj1Q&)

****

 

**About 10 hours later**

**North Tower - World Trade Center**

**_Jensen_ **

It’s like being trapped inside his worst nightmare. The world is falling apart around Jensen and he doesn’t think he can escape. He doesn’t even understand what the hell is going on in the first place.

Everything was going fine. He was at his desk, doing some paperwork and thinking about Jared, about everything that led him to that bar and made him meet the giant man with the kindest eyes, and most gorgeous smile. And dimples! God, the man had dimples. How can someone so _huge_ be so adorable? Jensen had no idea. All he knew was that Jared captivated him. He didn’t remember feeling that connected to another person, and in only a couple of hours of conversation. Jensen was dying to kiss those lips, to take Jared home and spend the night with him, but he was a gentleman. He just knew he would see Jared again, he could tell the feeling was mutual, so he could wait. But of course, he couldn’t resist kissing him after they left the bar, and it was amazing.

When he had arrived at the office that morning, Jensen couldn’t resist the impulse of texting Jared. He hoped it was really mutual, that he wasn’t reading Jared wrong. He hoped he didn’t sound pathetic and needy, but Jared actually texted him back a minute later, and he sounded as excited as Jensen, which was awesome. He couldn’t wait to talk to Jared more later, maybe they could meet up again.

His boss had come up to him, saying he was going to their other office, down on the 30th floor (they were up on the 95th) to deliver some documents, and Jensen had offered to go instead, he needed to talk to someone there anyway and if he was being honest, he was stalling a bit. But it was a good chance to go for a walk, so Jensen took the papers, his phone (what if Jared texted or called?), his coffee and went down to the other office.

Jensen had been at the other office for about 10 minutes talking to Seb, one of the lawyers that worked there, about a case, when suddenly there was a loud noise. Everybody had stopped what they were doing as the noise got louder and louder, as if something was coming closer to the building and then there was the distinct sound of an explosion. All of a sudden, Jensen felt like the world was out of place, for a moment he thought it was an earthquake, but the way the whole building shook, it was like something big had hit it. Jensen grabbed the table for support, feeling terrified, half expecting the building to collapse right away, but nothing happened.

Everybody stood still for a moment, and then it turned into chaos. Jensen and everyone else ran towards the exits, there was no way to know what was going on but Jensen knew one thing: he needed to get out of the building. He could even hear people screaming that it was nothing, but they were crazy, Jensen thought. He needed to get out.

Jensen had seen many people running towards the elevators, but he wasn’t risking it. He already didn’t like elevators as it was, and now that something awful probably had happened, there was not a living soul who would make him go inside a closed car to go down thirty floors. So he ran to the stairs, along with many other people also trying to escape.

Jensen tried to move fast, as fast as he could, but there are just so many people trying to get downstairs too, and suddenly everything began to get foggy, smoke slowly descending upon them and Jensen felt like he was suffocating. What the fuck is happening? He screams for people to move faster, but it’s useless, his voice is swallowed by the smoke and all the other terrified voices that scream along with him. He has no idea how many floors he already went down or how much time has passed, when he suddenly remembers Jared.

_Jared is a firefighter. He can help._

Someone needs to call the fire department and let them know something just happened. And Jensen has Jared. Jared had told him he was working today, he just hopes he isn’t busy somewhere else. Jensen thanks whoever is up there for him remembering to bring his phone with him when he went to the other office, so he manages to reach into his pocket and fishes out his phone. He holds it tight because there are so many people around him, if he lets it fall he will never be able to pick it up again.

Jensen concentrates in finding Jared’s number and hits the dial button. Jared answers, Jensen thinks, but it’s too loud in the building to hear anything. Jared speaks louder, and Jensen can finally hear him, Jared asks what is happening, he can probably hear the noises, so Jensen presses the phone into his ear so Jared can understand what he’s saying.

“I don’t know, Jared! There was a loud crash or something and the whole building trembled and it’s all chaos here and I’m trying to get down but there are so many people, there’s smoke everywhere and it’s so dark! I don’t know what is going on but we need help here!”

It takes a few seconds but Jared finally understands, he asks Jensen if he’s in the WTC and Jensen begins to answer that _yes, he’s in the WTC,_ but someone bumps heavily against him and the phone falls from his hand. He doesn’t have time to try and retrieve it as more people appear on the stairs, desperately trying to leave, and Jensen suddenly gets thrown against a wall, bumping his head and everything spins for a few moments. Jensen holds on to the wall for support as he situates himself so he doesn’t fall as more and more people run past him.

Just as Jensen manages to situate himself and prepares to get back in motion, he notices someone else leaning against the wall close to him. When he pays closer attention, he notices it’s a woman, and she’s heavily pregnant and panting, eyes closed shut. She’s desperately clutching her belly, so Jensen imagines she’s in deep pain.

Jensen approaches the woman and grabs her shoulder to catch her attention.

“HEY!” Jensen screams in her ear, so she can hear him over all chaos. “You need help?”

The woman barely opens her eyes, turning her face towards him. “Ye--yeah, I think I’m having contract--AAAAAHHHHHH!”

The woman squeezes Jensen’s forearm, and he knows he must help her. If he doesn’t she won’t be able to get out of here and this smoke can be very dangerous for her. So Jensen places an arm around her waist, and her own arm around his shoulders, allowing the woman to put her weight on him, and together they start to walk down the stairs again, closer to the wall as they are moving slower than the others, and Jensen is afraid someone might bump into them.

Jensen hears another loud noise, like a second explosion, but the building doesn’t shake this time. _What the actual fuck is happening?_ , Jensen wonders for the millionth time, as he struggles to get downstairs and away from this as quick as possible, without letting go of the woman clinging to him as if her life depends on it - and it probably does.

It feels like forever, hours feeling more like days, that pass. Jensen is beyond exhausted, going down countless stairs and supporting the pregnant woman, when they finally reach ground level, and it’s even worse down there.

There are people running everywhere, trying to find a way out, and Jensen doesn’t know what to do, where to go. He doesn’t let go of the woman as he tries to move through the crowd of people, avoiding the debris that is falling.

All of the sudden, towering above most people, Jensen sees the best thing in the world.

_Jared._

Jensen breaths in relief, Jared is here, it’s gonna be fine. He hasn’t seen Jensen yet, and apparently he’s looking for him, so Jensen gathers all the strength he still has left in his body and screams.

“JARED!”

It works, Jared turns towards him and his eyes widen. Jensen can see Jared mouthing his name and starting to make his way towards him, and Jensen wastes no time in trying to get to Jared. In his rush though, he doesn’t notice the hole on the floor from where they were making some renovations in the building earlier (the barriers separating it were probably moved by the crowd), and Jensen finds himself tripping, quickly letting go of the woman as he falls into the hole, his feet hitting uneven ground and his left foot gets caught in something. He’s buried up to his chest, people are running past him, the woman is screaming and Jensen can’t get out.

All of a sudden, someone is standing right beside him, and when he looks up he sees Jared, who’s wearing a funny hat and looking down at him, a worried expression on his face. Jensen tries to clear the fog from his brain and think clearly.

“Jensen!” Jared crouches down and grabs his shoulders. “Thank fucking God, are you okay? We need to get you out of here now!”

Jensen tries to move, but he’s stuck. “I can’t Jared, my foot got caught in something, what the hell is happening?”

Jared tries to pull Jensen, but he screams as his foot doesn’t move, and Jared lets go of him. “Two planes just crashed into the towers, everything could fall apart at any minute, I need to get you out of here!”

At that moment, the pregnant woman screams, almost falling to the floor in pain, and Jensen knows what he has to do.

“Jared, you need to get her out of here. She’s in labor, she can’t get out on her own, you need to help her!”

Jared looks up at the woman, who’s trying to stand still but seems to be about to fall at any minute. He looks back at Jensen and his face looks torn.

“I can’t leave you here, Jensen! There has to be a way to get you out!”

Jensen shakes his head. “There isn’t time Jared, please! You need to get her out, just go!”

“I’m not leaving you here!” Jared yells, trying to get his point across. Jensen grabs his wrist, looking pointedly at him, hoping to make him understand.

“Yes you are! I’ll be fine, I can do this, please just go and take her, please Jared! I’m begging you!”

Jared looks up at the woman again, at her huge belly and the way she clutches it, and back at Jensen, and he also knows what he has to do. Before going though, Jared reaches inside his pocket and takes a small rosary out, placing it on Jensen’s hand, closing it around the piece.

“Hold on to this, okay?” He looks deep into Jensen’s eyes, and Jensen stares back, nodding. “It was my grandma’s and I always carry it with me. I’ll come back for you, okay Jensen? And you give it back to me when I do, alright?”

There are tears running down Jensen’s face now, and he can only nod again. Jared leans over and places a kiss on his forehead, and for a second he thinks that Jared’s lips will get dirty because Jensen is probably filthy by now, but as he holds the rosary tighter, all other thoughts fade away.

Jared stands up and gets a hold of the woman, but before walking away, he looks back at Jensen.

“I’ll come back Jensen, I promise.” And then Jared is gone.

Jensen can only hope.

**_Jared_ **

**A few moments earlier**

The fire truck is going full speed, cutting through traffic to get to downtown, but for Jared, it isn’t going fast enough. He had brought his phone with him, and he tried to call Jensen back about 10 times, but it goes to voicemail. He knows it’s useless, but he keeps trying. Jensen needs to be okay, he _needs_ to. Not only him, but everyone in the building. From what he has seen on TV, some floors were hit by the plane, and it’s a work day, so definitely there are already casualties there. It’s gonna be one of _those_ days for sure.

Chad, who has been riding alongside the driver, turns around to face everyone, the radio on his hand, a somber look on his face.

“It has been reported that a second plane hit the South Tower.”

Jared’s mouth hangs open, eyes going wide at the news. It can’t be.

_It wasn’t an accident._

Jared tries calling Jensen again, but of course he gets nothing. His phone probably fell down while he’s trying to get away. God, Jared can’t even imagine what kind of horror is going on inside those towers.

When they approach the Financial District, Jared can finally see the World Trade Center for the first time, and he has to blink more than once, because the scene in front of him is too horrible to be true. There are two holes, two big awful holes, one on each building, and they are burning, sending dark clouds of smoke up to the sky. He tries not to think about the number of people already dead in there, he focuses instead on imagining the ways people are using to escape. He hopes the staircases are clear and that Jensen is using them instead of an elevator. He knows from experience that a lot of people will use the elevator to get down, especially on buildings that tall, and he knows it can go bad very quickly.

Their truck finally approaches the area, and comes to a stop a block away from the building. Jared and the others hurry to get out, and when Jared looks up, he’s met firsthand with the horror going on in there. Something is falling from the building, and when it gets closer to the ground, Jared can see that it’s a _person_.

Someone just fell from the tower. Jared looks up, and there’s another body following that one. _They are trapped,_ his brain supplies. They can’t get out, it’s the only way out they could find.

Jesus.

Jared realizes he’s on the verge of panicking, everything is too fucking damn awful, but he can’t afford that now. He needs to get his shit together, he has a job to do, he must help people, and he needs to find Jensen. So Jared sucks it up, going into firefighter mode, and runs to the buildings along with the other guys. Jared goes towards the north tower, and with a glance, he sees Chad moving toward the south one. His friend catches his eyes, and nods. Jared nods back. _Take care buddy, see ya in the other end._

The firemen have to fight their way to get inside the building, since there are many people at the entrance, most of them managing to get out escorted by police officers and other firefighters, looking terrified, exhausted, confused. Jared takes a look around, but he can’t see Jensen anywhere. There’s a sea of people, it’s going to be impossible to know where Jensen is, Jared hopes with all his heart that he has found a way out already.

It’s very hot and foggy in the lobby. The building is cracking and moaning, and that is so not good. People need to get out of here as fast as possible, with an explosion like that, the whole thing could come down any second. As he makes his way through the crowd, he tries to direct people towards the nearest exit, telling them to move fast.

Jared has been inside the building for about five minutes, ushering people out as he tries to search their faces, trying to find a familiar one among them.

_Please, please let Jensen be out of here already, please--_

“JARED!”

He could recognize this voice anywhere. Jared immediately turns around, and several feet away from him among the crowd he finally sees the face that’s been on his mind ever since they parted ways not even 12 hours ago.

“Jensen.” Jared whispers the name, Jensen is fine, he’s alive, Jared will get him out of here and everything will be okay. Jared starts making his way towards Jensen, and he can see Jensen doing the same. But all of the sudden, Jensen disappears from sight, so Jared moves faster to the place he could last see Jensen.

Jared approaches the woman who he had seen Jensen standing next to, and when he looks down, he finally finds him, buried chest deep in a hole, so he crouches down, fucking relieved to see Jensen relatively well, until Jensen informs him that he’s stuck. Jared places both arms under Jensen’s armpits and pulls, but Jensen yells in pain so Jared lets go immediately. Jensen asks what is happening, and Jared tells him. Right at that moment, the woman Jensen was with screams in pain, and Jensen pleads with Jared to get the woman outside because she’s in labor.

Jared pays close attention to her for the first time, and he can see a huge belly, and the way the woman is desperately clinging to it, her face a mask of pain. Jared knows the signs. Shit. He knows what he’s supposed to do. Jared needs to help the woman, she is the one in urgent need of care at the moment, and he’s the most qualified to do it and take her out of here. He looks back at Jensen, and how on Earth can Jared leave Jensen behind?

“I can’t leave you here, Jensen! There has to be a way to get you out!”

If he just had more time, then he could find a way to--

“There isn’t time Jared, please! You need to get her out, just go!” Jensen shakes his head, as if reading his thoughts. Fuck. FUCK. Jared yells, he can’t leave Jensen behind, god knows if he will be able to get back. Jensen grabs his wrist, looking at Jared as if he’s baring his soul, and he begs. Both of them lock their gaze for a moment, only a second where they don’t say anything, and Jared feels his heart sinking.

Why does it have to be like this? Why couldn’t they just have met for another drink later and talk about their day at work? Why did some fucking lunatics decide to throw two airplanes into buildings, and why did it have to be today? Jared was dreaming about going on an official date with Jensen, maybe they could go to that Italian place Jared loves so much. To be honest, Jared would have loved to go anywhere with Jensen, even eat a hot dog and walk around Central Park holding hands. In a matter of hours, Jensen had become so important to Jared, someone he couldn’t wait to get to know better, and now here they are. With a building threatening to collapse on their heads, and Jensen is begging Jared to leave him behind.

Jared knows he needs to go, their time is running out. It doesn’t make it any easier though. He reaches inside his pocket on instinct, fishing out a rosary. It had been his mother’s, who had told him once it had belonged to her own mother, and before dying, she had given it to Jared. He has kept it with him ever since, especially when he’s out doing his job. It’s like his mother is always protecting him, and now he begs her to protect Jensen. Jared places it in his hands, and asks Jensen to hold onto it, making a promise he hopes to God he can keep.

“I’ll come back for you, okay Jensen? And you give it back to me when I do, alright?”

There are tears running down Jensen’s face, creating a trail on the ashes that cover it, and Jared feels his own eyes burning. He leans over and places a lingering kiss on Jensen’s forehead, silently begging for him to be okay. Jared looks at Jensen one last time before standing up again and placing an arm around the woman, but before walking away, he turns back.

“I’ll come back Jensen, I promise.”

God, let him be able to fulfill this promise.

*

Jared ends up picking the woman up and walking towards the nearest exit, it’s way faster than to try and get her to move on her own, and the sooner he’s out and the woman is assisted, the sooner he can go back for Jensen. It takes Jared a little while, but he finally manages to get out of the building, walking fast but at the same time being careful not to make any sudden moves that could cause the woman more pain, also trying to avoid the debris falling from everywhere.

After walking for what it seems like a lifetime, Jared spots an ambulance and takes the woman towards it, all the while talking to her, assuring that it will be alright, everything will be fine. He prays that’s true. Jared is met by a couple of paramedics, who run to him and lead him to the back of the ambulance where the door is opened, and Jared carefully places the woman on a gurney.

“Take care of her, please!” The man nods, and Jared starts his way back to the north tower. When he’s almost at the packed entrance, he takes a look around to assess everything and sees Chad a few feet away from him, leading a group of people who were probably inside the south tower.

“Chad!” Jared tries to get his friend’s attention, to let him know he’s still doing fine, and when Chad meets his eyes a smile starts to form on his face, but he looks up and quickly back at Jared, a look of horror on his face.

“JAY LOOK OUT!”

Jared looks up and he sees a steel beam falling from the sky, coming straight in his direction and it’s only a few feet above him. The only thing Jared manages to do is to bend over and protect his head with his arms before an unimaginable pain hits him for a split of a second, and then everything goes black.

**_Jensen_ **

Jensen’s head is spinning. Jared left a century ago (it was probably only a few minutes but it definitely feels like longer), and he can’t get his foot free so he can go out of the hole. His whole body hurts, Jensen is getting desperate because people are running past him, the building is making weird noises, it’s hot as a motherfucker in here and he doesn’t know what to do. What if Jared can’t find his way back? Jensen wonders how big the damage is in the building already, he still can’t believe a fucking airplane hit it. Actually, two airplanes hit both towers, if he heard Jared correctly. That is insane as fuck, it just can’t be. Who would do something like this?

If this really happened, then there must be a lot of dead people already. Jensen feels like throwing up, he wonders where everyone from his own office is. He clutches the rosary tighter, hoping everyone is okay. God, where’s Jared?

Then, when Jensen is feeling completely helpless, a guy approaches him, asking why he can’t get out of the whole.

“My foot is stuck, and I’ve tried everything but I can’t get it loose!” Jensen screams, desperation clear on his face. The man doesn’t think twice, he jumps into the hole and disappears from view. Jensen can feel the guy trying to work on whatever has his foot trapped, and after what seems like another lifetime, he’s finally free.

The guy climbs out, and then helps Jensen to get out of the hole as well. When he places his left foot on the floor, it hurts a little but it doesn’t look like it’s broken or twisted. He looks at the guy to thank him, and notices he’s wearing a familiar uniform, he works maintenance in the building. Before he can say anything though, the guy is shaking his head, pulling him by the arm towards the exit.

“We need to get out, come on!” Both of them run towards the front door, but when they are almost at it, they stop abruptly.

Suddenly there’s a loud noise, the world begins to shake and the one of the towers is falling apart. A cloud of dust is rising from the ground and Jensen barely registers what is happening before the guy grabs his arms and pulls him to the opposite direction.

“COME ON, LET’S GO!”

Chaos is even bigger than before. Jensen runs behind the guy, along with everyone else, towards the opposite direction. He has no idea where they are going, if there is even another exit, all he can hear is the noise getting louder, as if the ground is swallowing the other building, the dust penetrating all open areas and making it hard for Jensen to see anything, but he runs and runs.

Jensen doesn’t know where he’s going, he thinks he’s led through some hallways but he honestly doesn’t care, all he wants is to get out of this hell before his lungs explode. Eventually he thinks he’s going through a door, he tries to open his eyes but he closes them shut again because there’s dust everywhere and he gets a million little grains in them. He puts his hands in front of his face as he runs, still following the sound of steps, all he needs is to get as far away as possible.

Not sure how much time passes, Jensen’s hands eventually connect to a wall and he stops, his foot hurts and he can hardly breathe, he feels like there’s a pound of sand in each of his lungs. Jensen just stays still, waiting for the fog to clear as more people run past him. He tries not to have a panic attack, everything looks like a huge nightmare and he feels trapped inside the huge cloud of dust. He can’t even take deep breaths because of it, otherwise he’s gonna cough his lungs out.

Actually, that’s exactly what starts to happen when his body tries to expel all the dust he has inhaled, so Jensen doubles over and tries to let it all out, making his whole body ache even more. Eventually Jensen manages to stop coughing a little, and tries to open his eyes, rubbing at them. The fog has faded some, so Jensen can see a bit clearly. He doesn’t know where he is for sure but he starts walking again, following others. He feels so damn tired, like he just ran a marathon, he feels about to collapse but he keeps going. He sees some ambulances ahead so he tries to walk faster, and eventually someone takes hold of him. He looks and it seems like a police officer, he’s not sure. The guy is talking to him.

“Take it easy, just come with me please!” Jensen just nods, and as he becomes more and more aware, he notices his right hand is still closed in a fist, and when he opens it, something slips and almost falls on the ground but he catches it at the last second, bringing it close to his face so he can try and see properly.

The rosary that Jared gave him.

_Jared._

It feels like Jensen has just been hit by a truck when everything that just happened becomes clear in his mind and he remembers Jared, how he promised he would be back for him, that he would get him out, and then the other building fell down and what if Jared was there? What if he had to go save other people there and got trapped and everything collapsed on him and he couldn’t get out?

That, combined with the adrenaline fading from his body, makes Jensen feel dizzy, his head starts spinning, and as he sees the back of an ambulance right in front of him his knees give out, he collapses on top of the officer who still has a hold on him, and his vision blacks out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxPj3GAYYZ0&)

 

_**Jensen** _

When Jensen comes to it again, he takes a long time to open his eyes. He is somewhere comfortable, and his brain tells him that’s a good thing. He doesn’t think he is in his bed though, he can hear people talking around him, and he lives alone. So definitely not at home. Before he tries to open his eyes, Jensen is hit by a sudden urge to cough, and it’s stronger than everything he has ever felt. It feels like he just ate a bag of sand and all of it is stuck in his throat.

There’s something on his face, Jensen reaches out and grabs the thing, yanking it away. Maybe it’s a mask, he has no time to think about it since the urge is so strong. So he coughs and coughs, his chest hurts like a bitch, and he feels he’s going to suffocate so he tries to turn on his side but someone comes and puts a strong hand on his back and another behind his neck, helping him to sit up. Still not able to open his eyes, Jensen feels like he’s coughing his lungs out, he spits things he doesn’t even want to know what are, and damn his back is killing him too.

When he’s done, the hands help him lie down again, and after taking some deep breaths, Jensen finally opens his eyes. He has to open and close them again a few times as the light is too bright. When he can finally focus, he takes a look around and notices blue curtains around him. The person next to him looks like a nurse. Of course, he must be in a hospital, but why?

Jensen closes his eyes again and tries to focus. It takes a moment, but it all comes back to him. He was working, he was at the World Trade Center, then he went to the other office and something hit the building, he ran 30 floors down, and there was a pregnant woman, how is she? Then he fell into a hole and Jared came to save him.

Where is Jared? How is he?

“Jared…” Jensen tries to say something, but his throat feels too raspy and he starts coughing again. The nurse rolls him to his side as he goes, but it’s not as strong this time. He rolls back, cleansing his throat, and asks again.

“Where’s Jared?” God, it’s like hearing someone else’s voice. The nurse looks at him with sympathy, and gives him a forced smile.

“Sorry, there’s no Jared here. You need to stay calm and let me put the mask back on, okay? You inhaled a lot of dust, but we are taking care of you and you’re gonna be fine, just need to clean those lungs and get some rest. Your left foot is swollen too, you didn’t break it but you need to go easy on it for a while.”

Jensen can’t say anything, all the memories invading him and threatening to suffocate him. He hopes it’s a nightmare, all this horror he went through can’t be real. It can’t be.

“...call?” Jensen just realizes the nurse just asked him a question, so he turns his face to look at her, furrowing his brow.

“I asked if there’s someone you want me to call, to come here for you?” She repeats the question, and Jensen thinks for only a second.

“Call Chris, please.” He must be sick with worry by now. Chris can call his family and let them know too. If Jensen asks the nurse to call his mother it’s not likely she will call Chris to let him know, maybe she will forget but Chris won’t. So Jensen recites the number he knows by heart and starts feeling sleepy right away. The nurse puts the oxygen mask back on his face and suddenly Jensen can breathe better again. He’s asleep before the woman can close the curtains.

*

The next time Jensen wakes, it’s because his chest feels heavy again, his throat is clogged and he has another sudden urge to cough, so he rolls over, pulls the mask away and lets it all out. A pair of hands help him again, but they seem bigger this time. For now though, Jensen only concentrates on not choking.

When he’s done Jensen lies on his back again with the help of the hands, so he forces his eyes to open. They are watery from all the exertion so he wipes at them with the back of his hand. Opening his eyes, he looks to the side and finds his best friend looking at him, eyes also wet but suspiciously red as well and Jensen knows it’s not from exertion. Jensen didn’t think he would live to see the day Chris would cry.

“Chris?” Jensen clears his throat before speaking this time, and it helps a bit.

“Hey Jenny, how are you feeling?” Chris asks with a watery smile and a fond look at Jensen.

Jensen weakly smiles back at his friend. “Tired. Like I swallowed a whole beach. My chest hurts and my nose too. Thirsty as fuck.”

With that, Chris picks up a glass of water from the table next to Jensen’s bed with a straw in it. He helps Jensen sit up and when he wraps his mouth around the straw and takes a sip, it feels like heaven. He takes more and more, desperate for it, until Chris takes the glass away.

“Easy there Jenny, you’ll end up choking.” Jensen sighs and falls back on the bed as Chris places the mask on his face again. Jensen wants to complain, but breathing better feels too damn good. Before either of them can say anything a doctor arrives and picks up his chart, giving Jensen a short smile.

“Hello Mr. Ackles, I’m Dr. Richings and I’m in charge of your recovery. How are you feeling?”

The doctor takes off Jensen’s mask again so he can talk better, and Jensen repeats what he has already said to Chris, that he feels very much like crap and achy everywhere.

“That’s what’s expected,” the doctor nods, “You inhaled a large amount of dust, which caused chemical pneumonia, which is basically an inflammation of the tissue in your lungs. From the tests we’ve run and your symptoms, it’s a mild pneumonia and we’re already providing you proper treatment with fluids, antibiotics and other medicines. I’m positive you’re gonna be good as new very soon and if everything goes well, you can go home in a day or two.”

Dr. Richings asks Jensen if he has more questions and Jensen shakes his head. He does, but not for the doctor. He excuses himself then, telling Jensen to have someone call him if needed. Jensen nods and the doctor walks away, closing the curtain and leaving Jensen and Chris alone again.

Jensen takes a few deep breaths and turns to face his friend, who is staring at Jensen with a mix of emotions on his face.

“How long have I been here?” Jensen asks, still feeling weird about his raspy voice.

“About 9 hours. I got here like 4 hours ago and the nurse told me.” Chris looks down at his hands, and Jensen knows it’s time to ask.

“Tell me what happened.”

Chris stays quiet for a long time. He looks everywhere but Jensen, maybe trying to organize his thoughts, figuring out where to start. Jensen just waits, giving his friend the time he needs. He isn’t sure he’s prepared to hear it himself, but he knows he has to. He will eventually, so better to know now. Finally, Chris looks at Jensen, taking a deep breath.

“Two airplanes crashed into both towers of the WTC.” He says it in an almost whisper, as if it’s a secret, or saying out loud would make this tragedy more real.

“It wasn’t an accident,” Jensen says, and it’s not a question. One plane, fine. It could pass as an accident. Not two.

“No. They are saying it was a terrorist attack. First plane hit the North Tower, and then, when everyone had their eyes turned towards the place, the second plane hit.” Chris takes a second to compose himself before continuing. “Where were you, Jen? When I saw what happened, I didn’t know what had happened to you, if you managed to get out of there alive before… god, Jensen, I thought you were dead, I went down to the site, but they wouldn’t let anyone pass, I was so fucking desperate! Then hours later I got a call from the hospital and came as fast as I could. By the way, I called your mom, she knows you’re safe. You may want to give her a call very soon.”

Jensen nods, also keeping quiet for a while as he organizes his own thoughts, tries to remember everything that happened.

“I… I was down on the 30th floor, in our other office when the plane hit. I didn’t know what it was, but the whole building shook, the furniture moved, and we all ran. It was chaotic as we all tried to go down the stairs, and I fould this pregnant lady who really needed help, so I took her downstairs with me. When we finally got to the lobby, I fell in a hole on the floor, and got stuck. And Jared came…”

Jensen’s voice cuts as his throat closes when he talks about Jared. He has no idea what happened to him, if he made it out of there safely. If he’s okay. Thinking about Jared hurts more than his aching chest and he has to wait a while before finding his voice again. He skips the part where Jared was there with him, he won’t be able to say it out loud.

“I was in the hole alone, unable to get out, then someone came, I think he works at the building, and he helped me out. When we were just about to get out, a huge cloud of dust came towards us, so we ran away, I didn’t know where I was going, when I realized I was out on the street. A police officer came to me and then I woke up here. That’s pretty much it.”

Jensen’s chest and throat hurts from talking for so long, so he places the mask back on and takes a few deep breaths as Chris processes what he just told him. He doesn’t say anything though, there’s not much to say.

Once Jensen is sure he’s feeling better, he takes the mask off again and faces his friend. “What happened to the towers? How are things there?”

This time, Chris doesn’t look at his friend when he answers, taking his time to find the right words. “Jen… both towers collapsed. They aren’t there anymore.”

Jensen doesn’t understand at first, it’s like Chris is speaking in another language. Because what he said, it cannot be.

“What?” He asks in a whisper, hoping his friend will say something different this time.

“They fell down, Jen. First the south, that’s probably the cloud of dust that you saw. Some time later, the north collapsed too.”

Jensen has a hard time processing it, imagining that the World Trade Center isn’t there anymore, that both towers are completely destroyed. It just can’t be.

“But…” He starts, trying to comprehend what is happening. “But the people in there, there were people in there… did they…”

Jensen stops talking when he looks at Chris, who has a somber look on his eyes, and is slowly shaking his head.

“I saw that they are still looking for survivors. But yes Jen, a lot of people died in there. They don’t have numbers or anything yet and a lot of people are missing. So…”

Jensen’s thoughts go immediately to Jared. Was Jared inside the towers when they collapsed? Did he go back to help Jensen and didn’t find Jensen there? Maybe he got trapped himself.

“Do you… did they say anything about the firefighters?” Jensen asks, a small tone of hope in his voice.

“They are saying that a lot of them died when the towers went down, a lot were inside when it happened.”

Jensen looks up at the ceiling, tears falling down his face. Jared is dead, Jensen is sure of it. The little Jensen knows about him, there’s no way he wouldn’t be inside one of the towers helping people. Maybe he was called to help in the south tower, or he went back to the north tower and found other people to help before Jensen. If a lot of firemen were killed, Jared is among them.

God.

How did things change so much in such a short period? What feels like a lifetime ago, but it was really only last night. He was at a bar and after being stood up he met Jared. Five minutes after talking to him, Jensen had completely forgotten about the other guy he was supposed to meet. Jared was so gorgeous. On the outside, of course, but on the inside too. Only a few hours and Jensen could see what a beautiful soul Jared had. He wished that night could last forever, that he could talk to Jared endlessly, stare into those beautiful soulful eyes and see his smile. Jensen was so lucky to meet Jared.

And now he is probably dead somewhere inside the ruins of the World Trade Center. More tears fall from Jensen’s eyes as he thinks about the only kiss they shared, how it had felt so right, and the kiss on his forehead Jared gave him before leaving with the pregnant woman. How he looked back and promised Jensen he would come back.

Jensen suddenly remembers something, but when he opens his hand, of course there’s nothing.

“Chris.” Jensen finally addresses his friend, who had been quietly watching Jensen’s breakdown, clearly unsure what to do.

“What is it, Jen?” He asks, desperate to find some way to help.

“There was a rosary, I had a rosary with me when the officer found me, please, I need it Chris!”

Jensen knows he probably dropped it when he passed out. It must have fallen among all that chaos and he will never find it again, the one thing Jared asked him to keep, to give it back to him, to…

But Chris is placing something in his hand, and when Jensen opens his watery eyes, he finds the rosary on his palm.

“The nurse said you had it with you when they brought you in,” Chris tells him. “Even though you were unconscious, you were holding it tight in your fist.”

Jensen pinches his eyes shut, more tears falling. The one piece of Jared that stayed with him, the one thing he trusted Jensen with. Jensen didn’t fail completely.

It takes a while for Jensen to compose himself, holding on to the rosary, trying to draw strength from it. There’s one more thing he needs to know.

“What about my coworkers Chris? Do you have any news, do you know if they made it out of there?”

This time, Chris takes a longer time to answer, as if trying to come up with the right way to say it, but can’t. He leans over, resting his elbows on his knees, and he looks at Jensen deep in the eyes.

“Jen… the plane hit the tower between the 93rd and 99th floors, the explosion was massive.”

At that, Jensen’s vision blurs, and he feels sick to his stomach right away. He worked on the 95th floor. Everybody else was there, the plane hit his office. And he went down 15 minutes earlier. And everybody else stayed there when the plane hit. In his office.

Chris has just seconds to grab the basin on the small table next to him before Jensen loses the mere contents of his stomach.

*

Jensen is released from the hospital two days later and Chris drives him home. The city is still chaotic and heavily grieving, but for now, Jensen is pretending nothing is happening. On the drive from Manhattan to Queens, Jensen keeps his head down and eyes closed most of the time. He knows the hospital is not close to the financial district, but he doesn’t want to risk a look and see the absence there. He doesn’t want to see reminders on the streets. He doesn’t want to see anything.

Chris finally parks on their street and Jensen opens his eyes, looking at the familiar neighborhood. He can’t see Manhattan from here and for that, he’s grateful. Chris and he live in a small building, Jensen on the first floor and Chris on the third. That’s where they met years ago. Jensen had just moved in and was trying to get some sleep after spending the whole day getting his place liveable, and the guy 2 floors up decided to start playing his electric guitar, loudly, at the same time. Jensen had gone up to his door, asking the guy if he could stop. Instead, he invited Jensen in for a beer and some snacks, since, according to Chris, he looked too grumpy. That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Chris walks behind him towards the entrance, holding his duffel. Jensen had argued that he can very well carry his own duffel, but Chris wouldn’t hear it, just told Jensen to keep walking. When Jensen unlocks his door and enters his place, he takes a look around. Everything looks exactly as it was when he left for work on that morning, when the world was still good. There’s a dirty mug lying on the coffee table as Jensen didn’t have time to wash it since he was late for work, having gone to bed at an unreasonable hour for a Monday night - not that he had regretted it. He looks at the mug and thinks back about that morning, when he was only thinking about the previous night with Jared and had no idea that his world was about to collapse.

Chris drops the duffel on the couch and stops behind Jensen.

“Jenny? Everything okay?”

Jensen snaps out of his trance, and turns around to face his friend. “Yeah, yeah… just thinking, no big deal.”

Chris asks if Jensen wants him to stay, but Jensen actually wants to be alone for a while. He hasn’t really been alone ever since he woke up in the hospital, and he needs the quietness for a bit. Chris makes Jensen promise he will call him if he needs anything, and finally leaves his friend alone.

Jensen closes the door behind Chris and leans on it, letting out a heavy breath. He slowly makes his way to the couch and collapses on it. He eyes his phone, he should call his mother and tell her he’s home, but he doesn’t feel like it right now. He had called her at the hospital to let her know he was fine and she was very relieved, telling him they wanted to go to New York to see him but all the flights were cancelled in the US for the time being, and as his mother put it, his folks were too old for a road trip that long.

Secretly he didn’t mind one bit, he wasn’t in the mood to see his parents this soon. The next time Donna had called, she asked if Jensen wanted to come spend some time in Dallas with them, but he had declined. Jensen loved his parents, but he loved them away from himself. Even though they didn’t speak it out loud, Jensen knew they weren’t pleased with his life choices, especially his father. He silently disapproved of his son being gay, their relationship growing more and more distant ever since Jensen told them the truth. Donna still treated him as usual, but Jensen knew how she felt, deep down. They loved him, but didn’t accept him. That’s one of the reasons he moved to New York right away after receiving a job offer.

That’s why going back to Dallas, even for a little while, is out of the question. He hasn’t felt welcomed in his own family’s home for a long time, that’s why he rarely visits. Especially now that his brother and sister, the only people who don’t care who Jensen loves, don’t live at home anymore as well. Mackenzie is in California for college, and Josh currently lives in Chicago. Both of them were worried sick when they heard of the attack, and Jensen had made contact with them too but he doesn’t feel like going to stay with either of them as well. He’s gonna suck it up and stay in his city. Jensen knows he can do it.

He walks silently to the window, and looking at the sky he reaches into his pocket and takes out the rosary. Once more, he thinks of Jared. And like every other time, his eyes fill with tears as he holds the rosary tight in his fist. He brings it to his lips, sending a silent prayer that Jared is in a good place right now. He thinks about Jared’s smile one more time, and he hopes he never forgets it.

After a while, Jensen moves to the couch, sitting down and grabbing the remote, turning the TV on without really thinking about it, but he realizes his mistake too late. He’s hit in the face with a full image of a plane crashing right into the South Tower, while the first one burns, dark clouds of smoke coming out of it. It’s the first time Jensen has seen it.

It’s like being trapped in his own nightmare again, from a different angle. It looks horrible like this too, now he can really see what happened when he felt the whole world trembling, back then he had no idea, but now it’s right in front of him.

Jensen sees the building he was in on fire, and he knows his office was on one of the floors that were hit by the plane. Jensen feels like an invisible hand is invading his chest and gripping his heart, squeezing it as hard as it can, and he suffocates. Everybody who was there died. All his coworkers, some of them his friends, are all gone.

He was supposed to have been there too. But Jensen went downstairs 15 minutes earlier. His boss was going, but Jensen told him he would do it. His boss could have escaped, but Jensen asked him to go instead. He died because of Jensen. There’s a widow out there now because Jensen had to meddle and take his boss’ place. Why did Jensen live? Why him, when there’s nothing out there for him? Why not someone who had more to lose?

Thoughts of Jared invade Jensen’s mind again, how Jared was a hero, how he wasn’t even near the place when it all happened, but he died anyway. Because he was helping people. Jared is probably buried under thousands of tons of concrete and steel, forever gone because he had a calling. From only a few hours of talking, Jensen could see what a special soul Jared was, how important he was. He deserved to live so much more than Jensen does.

Now they are all gone, and Jensen is here. He doesn’t understand why. He clutches the rosary tighter in his hand, the beads leaving marks on his palm, and only then Jensen notices there are rivers of tears running down his face. As he watches in a trance as the buildings fall down on TV, one after the other, a voice plays in his mind, as if on a loop; _it’s not fair. It should have been me._

Without even realizing it, Jensen drags himself to his bedroom on autopilot. He doesn’t eat anything despite what Chris told him, he doesn’t change out of his clothes. He just lets himself fall on the bed, rosary never leaving his hand. He curls himself into a ball, allowing the tears to fall freely. Despite his fatigue, he never falls asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

 

_**Jared** _

It feels like he’s floating. Like Jared is trapped in a limbo between asleep and awake, and he isn’t sure what he is anymore or where he is. Did he die? Is he waking up in another world, because it damn sure feels like it. Maybe he will get to see his mother again, that would be nice.

Darkness tries to drag him under, at the same time consciousness tries to get a hold of him. It’s a tough battle, and Jared doesn’t know which way he should go. Very slowly, Jared becomes more aware of things. There’s pain. He isn’t sure exactly where, but somewhere in his body, it hurts. When he tries to focus on his body, something doesn’t feel right. He can’t quite place it, but he knows there should be something where there isn’t. His throat feels odd too, like there’s an intrusion there and it’s uncomfortable he thinks.

Jared concentrates on moving something, maybe his hand? He focuses completely on the task, placing all his barely there energy to try and move his hand. He thinks it works, but he isn’t sure. Moments later, Jared feels a different pressure on the same hand he just tried to move, like someone is holding it, and Jared tries again. The hold gets stronger.

From afar, there’s a voice. Is someone talking to him? Jared changes his focus, to try and listen to the voice. It gets a bit clearer, and Jared knows this voice. He can’t place it, but he has heard it before. He knows it means good memories, someone nice. Jared tries with all he can to fight the darkness, his eyes move behind his closed eyelids and his new task now is to get them to open. But damn, it’s so hard. It feels like they weigh a ton, it’s exhausting, but Jared keeps going.

When his eyes finally open, he can’t see much. It’s too bright, so he closes and opens his lids several times, trying to get his eyes to adjust. His vision is still blurry, but he can see he’s in a white room. Jared feels a light pressure on his shoulder, so he moves his head to the side just a bit, as much as the thing in his throat allows, and he can see there’s a face there. His mind supplies a name to match that face.

Chad.

Jared frowns and tries to think for a minute. Chad is his friend. They live together, he thinks. Good, Chad is here. It looks like his friend is crying, and Jared wonders why. Something sad must have happened to him. Jared tries to speak, ask his friend what is happening with him, but no words come out. His brain tells him it’s the thing in his throat, so Jared tries to lift his hand to take the thing out, but he suddenly can’t. All of a sudden Jared starts to panic, the thing hits his throat in a weird way and he gags, he can’t breathe. Panic washes over him as he feels suffocated, and his hands won’t move for some reason, there are tears falling from his eyes towards his ears and he feels his heart beating anxiously in his chest.

Chad’s voice is talking again, and it sounds as desperate as Jared feels.

“Jared, please, you can’t touch it, I already called the doctor, help is on the way, please stay still until they get here! Just try and calm down for a little longer!”

Jared tries to do as his friend says, he tries to take deep breaths but it doesn’t help much, he still feels like gagging, it’s the worst feeling in the world and he hopes to god someone comes soon to take this out because he isn’t sure he can take it much longer. He looks at Chad, his friend also has tears in his eyes as he hovers over Jared. He thinks Chad is holding his hands to prevent him from touching. He looks as helpless as Jared feels, looking from Jared to the door, waiting for the doctor to arrive.

Finally the door opens, and Jared can see a man and a woman approaching him. Chad steps away and the man speaks to him.

“Hello Jared, I’m Dr. Kripke and it’s great to see you’re finally awake. I’m guessing you’re ready to take the ventilator out, am I right?”

Jared tries to nod, desperately needing to get rid of this thing so he can breathe again. The doctor instructs Jared, tells him he’s gonna start weaning him off the ventilator and first they are doing a short trial to see if Jared can breathe on his own. When Dr. Kripke asks if he’s ready, Jared nods eagerly, the sooner this is done, the sooner this thing will come off.

The nurse turns off the machine, and Jared keeps breathing just fine, he has to put more work into it, but he can do it.

“Okay Jared, you’re good to be taken off the ventilator as I can see. I’m gonna need you to cough as I pull it out, it’s gonna make it easier, okay?”

Jared nods again, and waits expectantly as the doctor disconnects the ventilator and pulls the tube out. Jared coughs as hard as he can, his throat on fire, but damn, it’s a huge relief. Jared lets his head fall back on the bed as he takes deep breaths. The nurse puts something on his tongue, it’s cold and it feels like heaven.

“It’s an ice chip, to help with the sore throat,” she explains, and Jared could kiss her. He lets the chip slowly melt in his mouth, as the nurse places a nasal cannula on his nose. “To help you breathe better for now,” she says.

Jared closes his eyes, he feels exhausted from all the exertion, and his mind is still foggy. He can’t process everything happening to his body right now, he doesn’t even know what happened to him and he’s too drained to ask. He just allows oblivion to take over one more time.

*

When Jared comes to again, it takes him a while to get situated, but soon his brain tells him he’s in a hospital. He suddenly remembers the tube, but after a moment of panic, he feels he can breathe just fine, and he knows it’s gone, thank God.

He moves his head to the side and finds Chad sitting on a chair next to his bed, his eyes are closed and his mouth is hanging slightly open. There’s a half grown beard on his face, and Jared wonders for the first time how long he has been here.

“Ch…” Jared tries to call his friend, but no voice comes out. His throat hurts and he coughs a few times, trying again. “Chad?”

His voice is hoarse as fuck, barely a whisper, but Chad wakes up anyway, looking startled for a second before his eyes settle down on Jared, and gives him a small smile when he notices Jared is awake.

“Hey there, sleepyhead. How are you feeling?” Jared doesn’t know how to answer this question because he doesn’t know himself. He hasn’t paid full attention to his body yet, he’s dreading doing so.

“I don’t know,” Jared answers, his voice still very raspy. Chad puts some ice chips in his mouth and Jared smiles his thanks at his friend. “It feels weird, I can’t explain.”

Jared chews the chips as he rests his throat for a bit before continuing. “What happened, Chad?”

Chad looks down for a long time, perhaps trying to find the words. It must have been awful, then. Jared’s brain is still foggy, it’s like there’s a wall separating him from a lot of things, and the more he tries, the less he can remember. It’s frustrating, like his brain is working in slow motion.

Finally, his friend looks up at him, a haunted look on his face. “I don’t know how to say this in an easier way, Jay. Two planes crashed into the World Trade Center.”

At those words, it’s like a gate opens in Jared’s brain and all the memories just flood his mind. Morgan informing them about the plane crashing into the building, them arriving at the scene, people jumping from the building. Jared getting into the north tower to help Jensen… Jesus Christ, Jensen.

Jared wonders if Jensen is okay. God, he hopes so. Jensen had made Jared save a pregnant woman instead of himself, he had managed to take her outside but after that, everything is a blank. What happened next? Did he go back inside? And more importantly, why is he here?

“What happened to me?”

Chad chews on his bottom lip as he studies Jared. He looks at the opposite wall for a while, and suddenly his eyes fill with tears. Jared fights the urge to laugh, he never thought he would see his best friend crying, ever. It must have been truly awful, then. So Jared waits, and eventually Chad composes himself enough to talk.

“I was coming out of the South Tower bringing a group of people with me, and then I saw you going towards the North one, and you stopped for a second to reassure me. When I looked up I saw a steel beam coming down towards you. There wasn’t time to do anything else, it all happened too fast.”

Chad is openly crying now and Jared doesn’t ask any more questions for the moment. A beam crushed him and his friend saw it, no wonder he’s emotional. He can ask more details about that later.

Jared waits for his friend to calm down before he asks a different question.

“What happened to the towers?”

Chad answers with a somber look on his face. “They are gone, Jay. Both collapsed, first the South, then the North. There’s nothing left. Hundreds of people are missing, including a bunch of firefighters. There’s no hope in finding anyone alive anymore.”

Jared feels like a hole has opened on the floor and he’s falling. Tears burn behind his eyes and he pinches them shut. Jensen was trapped inside the North Tower. Jared could have saved him, but he didn’t. He left Jensen inside, without a way to get out on his own, and then the building fell on him.

Jared had made a promise. Jared cries harder and his whole body shakes with it. Jensen is gone and Jared failed him. He couldn’t get out of the way fast enough, and as a result, he couldn’t get to Jensen, and now he is probably there, among a lot of others, lying underneath the remains of the building.

Chad stays quiet, allowing Jared to let it all out, only rubbing a soothing hand on his shoulder and Jared is thankful for the silence. There is nothing to say, not really. Eventually, Jared’s tears dry but he remains quiet, looking at the ceiling and thinking about Jensen. How he must have waited for Jared to come back, and Jared never did.

Chad gets up after a while, quietly telling Jared he must go because visiting hours are over. Jared just manages to nod, his throat too tight to answer. Chad is reluctant to leave, but finally he goes, with a last concerned look at Jared’s direction. A nurse comes to check on him some time later, asking if he’s feeling any pain, but Jared shakes his head. He isn’t at least for now. They must be giving him something strong, because Jared’s sure that having a steel beam falling on you must cause some serious pain. He wonders for the first time how long he has been here.

Before the nurse leaves, he asks her what day it is.

“It’s September 17th.” She answers in a sad voice, and when he responds no after she asks if he needs anything, she leaves, telling Jared the doctor will be by to talk to him later.

Jared tries to search his brain. He remembers checking the calendar that morning. He thinks it was September 11th. So that means he has been here for 6 days. God, it took him 6 days to wake up. It must have been really bad. For the first time, Jared pays close attention to his body, he forces his still uncooperative brain to focus on it.

He had noticed he was using only his right hand, but didn’t give it much thought until now. He looks down, and realizes his left arm is in a blue sling. With his right hand, he lifts the sling and can see that his forearm is in a cast. Looking down at both arms, he can see they are covered in bruises that are already healing. Lifting his good hand to his face, he finds a patch above his right eyebrow, and when he presses it, it hurts and he winces. His back also feels uncomfortable, and some places inside of him too. Things must be mixed up in there.

Finally, Jared realizes what he found so weird about his body and couldn’t place. When he tries to move but can’t, he notices he can’t feel the lower half of his body. Panic starts to rise, did they cut off his legs?

He focuses his gaze further down, and surprisingly, he can see the shape of both his legs under the sheets, down to his feet. Jared reaches under the sheet and grabs his thigh, sinking his nails on it, but he feels nothing. He might as well be touching someone else. He moves his hand up to his navel. He can feel his touch there, but when he moves it a bit down, there’s nothing anymore. It’s like another body was attached to his own, a body that doesn’t belong to him.

He has had years of training, and his firefighter brain supplies the word he’s looking for. But he refuses to acknowledge it, it can’t be _that_. It just can’t. It has to be something else. Maybe it’s the effects of anesthesia?

 _You have been here for 6 days, any anesthesia would have worn off by now_ , his brain tells him.

Jared concentrates on moving his toes, as hard as he can, but absolutely nothing happens. He closes his eyes and lies his head on the pillow. This isn’t happening, it’s not possible.

 _A steel beam fell on your back, of course it’s possible and you know it_ , his stupid brain supplies.

Jared feels himself starting to panic, his head gets dizzy when he thinks about the word again, this cannot be happening on top of everything else. Not this. He feels nauseous, but he forces himself to take deep breaths, rubbing his good hand over his face.

He can’t think about this right now, what it means, what his life will become. Otherwise, he’s gonna break down, he will go crazy. So he forces all thoughts away, he pushes it to the very back of his mind, if he doesn’t think about it then it means it isn’t real. Simple as that.

Jared’s mind drifts to other things, and it lands on Jensen. He remembers that night when the man appeared by his side at the bar, and 5 minutes later, he had already won Jared’s heart. He thinks about Jensen’s smile, and he prays that wherever he is, that Jensen can forgive Jared for not coming back. Because Jared will never forgive himself.

Some time passes, Jared isn’t sure how much. He isn’t even sure if he drifted off or not, when Dr. Kripke enters the room.

“Hey Jared, how are you feeling?” Dr. Kripke picks up his chart and looks at him expectantly.

Jared looks away and shrugs. “Fine.”

The man finishes reading the chart and sits down on the chair next to Jared’s bed.

“So Jared, I’m here to explain what happened to you, as I’m sure you’d like to know.”

Jared knows what happened to him, but he lets the doctor talk anyway. “Sure.”

The doctor leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. “Jared, when you arrived here six days ago, you were in pretty critical shape. A heavy beam from the building landed on you, and that caused a lot of damage. You were taken to the emergency room for triage and your blood pressure was dangerously low. You had lost blood from a large cut on your forehead, but most importantly, you were having serious internal bleeding. We immediately took you into surgery, because you could have died any minute from blood loss. We performed a laparotomy to try and stop the source of bleeding in your abdomen, and we lost you twice on the table.

“You needed several blood transfusions, but eventually we were able to stabilize you. A CT scan showed that you suffered a mild head trauma, but there was no surgery needed for that. You also had some broken ribs, and they are already healing. Another complication from the beam falling on you is what we call crush syndrome. With the injury to your muscles, potassium was excreted into your system, causing injury to your kidneys. But we are giving you IV fluids to help with that and have slowly released the pressure, so it won’t be an issue. Also, when you tried to protect your head with your arm, the beam hit it as well, breaking your forearm bone, and we had it casted as you have probably noticed already. It’s healing nicely and you’ll probably be off the cast in a few weeks. From all the injuries you endured, you’ve been in a coma ever since.”

The doctor stops talking, and Jared takes it all in. It seems serious, but as the doctor said, everything was treatable. He just didn’t mention one thing, and Jared knows what’s coming next, so he takes a deep breath.

“That’s all good to hear, Doc, but there’s something you aren’t telling me, right?” Dr. Kripke looks at him for a moment and Jared continues. He’s sure it must be hard to give news like this. “I’m not a doctor, but I’m a firefighter and I know a few things. From the moment I woke up, I couldn’t feel my legs. I half hoped it could be due to some remaining anesthesia, but I know they don’t last this long. I can put two and two together, Doc. So please, tell me the truth. I’m paralyzed, aren’t I?”

Dr. Kripke doesn’t answer right away. He lowers his head and looks down at his hands, and Jared doesn’t need anything else. He stares at the ceiling, his mind surprisingly blank after the confirmation of what he already suspected. The doctor clears his throat to get Jared’s attention, and he forces his head to turn and listen to what the man has to say, not that it’s gonna make any difference.

“Jared, CT showed that the beam crushed your spinal cord. We also performed surgery to remove fragments of your broken vertebrae and inserted a titanium plate in your spine to stabilize it and prevent further damage. But yes, you have a complete injury on your 10th thoracic vertebrae, or as we call it, T10. That means you have no function below your navel area.” Dr. Kripke tell him in the nicest way possible, but he might as well be screaming and Jared can only nod, pursing his lips together.

“So… I won’t be able to walk anymore?” Jared asks because he wants to hear the confirmation, apparently he enjoys suffering.

“No Jared, you won’t be able to walk. An injury to T10 causes paraplegia, you won’t ever have movement or feeling below that area. I’m sorry, I wish I had better news for you, but there was nothing we could do.”

Jared doesn’t say anything else. He goes back to staring at the ceiling, trying to take it all in. The doctor waits, and Jared tries to swallow the lump in his throat.

“Doc…” When he speaks again, his voice is so hoarse it’s like they just removed the breathing tube again. “I need to be alone for a while, please.”

From the corner of his eye, Jared can see the doctor leaving and soon after, he hears the door closing. He keeps staring straight ahead, at the patterns on the ceiling, and thinking about his life.

He’s a paraplegic, he will never walk again. He has seen it before, working as a firefighter he has learned the best way to help injured people - especially if there was a chance of a spinal cord injury. But he had never thought he’d be on the other end.

What is he supposed to do now?

Jared doesn’t cry, he doesn’t scream or throw a fit. He doesn’t get desperate. He just lies there, staring at that stupid ceiling, thinking about his life, a life that is now over.

He forces his mind to stop thinking about it after a little bit, at least for now. Because if he keeps it up, he doesn’t know if he will be able to stop. He cannot break down. So he stares at the ceiling, at a single spot for a long time, not thinking about anything. He can’t focus. Eventually, the pain meds make him sleepy and he allows the beloved unconsciousness to take over.

*

When Jared wakes up again, Chad is there, sitting next to him one more time. Jared barely acknowledges him as he goes back to stare at his favorite spot at the ceiling.

A few moments pass when Chad clears his throat. “So… I talked to your doctor and he told me that you know.”

Jared scoffs, still not looking at his friend. “What, that I’m a cripple now? Yeah, I’ve heard.”

Chad answers in a quiet voice. “Don’t say that, Jared.”

“Why not? It’s the truth.”

His friend doesn’t say anything for a while, and when he does, his voice is broken. “I’m so sorry, Jared.”

That takes Jared out of his stupor, and he finally looks at Chad, who is openly crying and looking down at his hands. Jared frowns.

“What for?”

“Because I couldn’t help you.” Chad replies, still not meeting Jared’s eyes.

Jared’s frown grows deeper and he wonders what the hell Chad is talking about. A fucking beam fell on him, what could Chad have done to prevent it? Stop a madman from crashing a plane into the building?

“What are you talking about Chad? What the hell happened that day?”

Chad takes a moment, probably to collect his thoughts, before he finally lifts his gaze and meets Jared’s eyes. His eyes are bloodshot, and Jared suddenly has a feeling that his friend has been crying a lot over the past several days.

“Like I told you already, I found you when I was getting out of the South Tower. When I saw the beam, it was too late already, and I saw when it fell right on you, and you went down.” Chad stops talking for a few seconds, looking at the ceiling. Jared just waits, he imagines it must have been hard to watch such a scene happening with your friend.

“Anyway,” Chad continues. “I ran towards you, and when I arrived, you were unconscious, the beam was lying next to you, and people were trampling over you. You were bleeding a lot from your forehead, and I knew your situation must be critical because that damn thing was heavy. I knew, I _knew_ I couldn’t move you, but Jared…” he sniffs before continuing, “I had to get you out of there as soon as possible, there were people all over, more things were falling, I was afraid the whole building would fall down, there wasn’t time to give you proper care. So, all I could do was pick you up as gently as the situation allowed, and I ran away, trying to make my way through the crowd, and god Jared, I was so fucking scared.

“Your blood was pouring out nonstop, it was all over your face and dripping on my hand and it was like I was watching you dying in my arms, man, you were white as a sheet. I’ve seen some shit as you know, but I’ve never been more scared in my entire life. I walked and walked, I was so afraid I was gonna drop you, I tried to hold you as tight as I could, and then finally, after a fucking long time, I found an ambulance, and the paramedics took over, they put you on a stretcher and without even asking I jumped inside too, I wasn’t gonna leave you alone. I know I should have gone back and helped the others, but I just couldn’t. I may be a coward but I don’t care. As they closed the doors and the ambulance started to drive away, I could see the south tower collapsing. It was the most scary thing ever, Jare… You have no idea. And then we got to the hospital and they took you away, and you know the rest.

“So, what I mean is, I’m so fucking sorry I couldn’t do more Jared, that I couldn’t care for you properly. Me carrying you to the ambulance probably aggravated your injury and I know it’s partly my fault that it’s that bad, and I…”

Jared interrupts his friend, he has heard enough. “Whoa Chad, stop it, please!”

Chad stops talking and just looks at Jared, a devastated look on his face. As angry as Jared is about his current situation, he would never blame Chad for it. Even if carrying Jared indeed aggravated his injury, which they don’t know, he did what he had to do. Chad pretty much saved Jared’s life, he would have died if he stayed there, being trampled over by people and his internal bleeding. Not that his life is worth much now, but that’s not the case at the moment.

“Chad, you did what you had to. The situation was chaotic, there was no way you could have treated me the proper way among all those people. Our primary goal is to save a life, and that’s what you tried to do. I would have done the same thing if I were you. The building would have fallen on our heads if we had stayed there. So you did the right thing, you saved my life. I would never blame you, you hear me? I don’t want you to think that.”

Chad wipes his tears and takes a deep breath. “It’s just so fucking hard, seeing you on that bed, knowing that your life is gonna change completely and everything is so damn awful.”

Jared has to agree with Chad on that one. He has no fucking clue what’s gonna happen to him once he leaves the hospital. He takes it all in and voices his fears for the first time to his friend.

“Chad, I… I’m trying to detach myself from it because it’s just too fucking much. I’m so damn scared, I have no idea what’s gonna happen. I don’t even know where am I supposed to go when I leave here, I don’t have any family left.”

Chad looks taken aback for a moment, before he frowns at Jared as if he just insulted his mother. “Have you lost your mind, Jared? What do you mean, you don’t know where you’ll go? You’ll go back to our house, just as before!”

Jared wishes it could be that easy. “Chad, I could never ask that from you. It’s not gonna be easy for me from now on, I can’t walk and I will have to learn how to do everything again. Besides, we live on the third floor in a building with no elevators, how am I even supposed to get up there?”

 _If I’m in a fucking wheelchair_ he thinks, but Jared can’t bring himself to say it out loud.

Chad shakes his head. “We’ll figure it out, Jare. We will move to another place with no stairs, or an elevator, whatever. The doctor said you need to spend some time in a rehab facility after you’re discharged from the hospital, so it will give me some time to find us a new place. I’m sure the guys will help. We’re together in this Jared, you’re my best friend, pretty much my brother, and I’d never leave you alone in this.”

Jared nods, looking away from his friend and tracing the hospital logo on his sling with his fingers. He feels the tears burning behind his eyes, but swallows them down. He refuses to cry, he can’t start. But he knew he shouldn’t expect less from his friend. Chad might not be a touchy feely type of person, but he’s a damn loyal person. Jared doesn’t trust himself enough to answer, so he hopes he gets it.

Chad apparently does, because he changes the subject, apparently sharing Jared’s emotions. “So… our friends are very worried about you, they can’t wait until you’re transferred to a regular room so they can visit.”

Jared’s eyes go wide at that, and he looks at Chad. “No! Please Chad, I don’t want to see anybody else. I don’t want them to see me like this, at least for now, please.”

Chad looks like he’s going to argue, but decides against it at the last minute. “Fine, Jare. I’ll tell them, I’m sure they will understand. They are just happy to know you’re okay.”

At that, Jared goes back to staring at the ceiling, his walls slowly building up again. Of one thing, Jared is sure. He will never be okay again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA&)

__

 

_**Jensen** _

Jensen wishes he could just disappear. A couple of weeks have passed since the attack, and everything feels so fucking hard. Every time he closes his eyes, he’s brought back to that day, all that horror, and all the consequences of it.

His parents were finally able to come to New York to see him, and it was actually good to have them around for a while. It seems like having your son almost being killed at the most awful terrorist attack in the history of the country has the power to change your priorities a little. Of course neither of his parents said it out loud, but their attitudes towards Jensen changed visibly after what happened. Jensen doesn’t know if it’s gonna last, but it saddens him to know it took a tragedy for his parents to realize there are more important things than whether he likes girls or boys.

Donna and Alan finally left a couple of days ago, and Jensen would be lying if he said he wasn’t relieved. Even though it was good having them here, Jensen was feeling suffocated. They made sure to tell Jensen all the time how happy they were that Jensen was fine, that he made it out in one piece, that Jensen was lucky. But Jensen didn’t feel any of those things. He didn’t feel lucky or happy.

And what makes it even worse, he knows he should. So many people died, and here he is, alive, but he can’t bring himself to feel joy over it. Why did he have to live? He doesn’t get it. So many people lost their loved ones, their parents or children. It’s unfair. He wonders if the pregnant woman is okay, he wishes he knew. He honestly hopes she delivered her baby safely and that both are okay now. He hopes whoever the father is, that he wasn’t there that day.

Jensen has trouble leaving the house these days. He doesn’t feel comfortable around people, he gets anxious and feels like anyone could attack him any minute. He only leaves when it’s absolutely necessary, but right now it’s too hard. Chris checks on him everyday, more often than not bringing dinner when he’s back from work. Steve often comes by too. Sometimes they bring their guitars and the three of them spend some time playing and singing. It’s good for taking Jensen’s mind off things for a while, but it all comes back sooner rather than later.

Today, Jensen and Chris have just finished dinner and are on the couch to watch a Cowboys game. Jensen’s not paying much attention to it but it works to try and take his mind off things. It’s not easy to find something to watch on TV, since they still spend a lot of fucking time showing the attack and talking about every single aspect of it. Jensen changes the channel or simply turns the thing off every time it comes on.

The Cowboys have just scored a touchdown when Chris turns towards Jensen, a nervous look on his face, and Jensen just knows something is coming.

“Hey Jenny… can I ask you something?”

Here it comes.

“Go ahead, Chris.” Jensen turns so he can face his friend too. Chris hasn’t talked about what happened so far, maybe giving Jensen some space as it has become the elephant in the room. Jensen appreciates that, the less he thinks about it the better, but he knew that eventually Chris would bring it up. Apparently, the time has come.

“I was wondering… when you woke up at the hospital you were desperately looking for a rosary, and the nurse said you were clutching it when you were brought in. I didn’t know you were religious and I sure as hell have never seen that rosary with you before… what’s up with that, Jen?”

Honestly, Jensen had thought his friend would ask in detail how he escaped from the building, but he was wrong. It’s hard to think about the rosary, because it brings Jared with it. He has kept it on his nightstand, inside a small box, and he takes it out every night, bringing it to his lips before going to bed. He doesn’t even know why he does it, maybe he’s saying goodnight to Jared. It has become a habit by now. Not that Jensen can sleep much these days, but still, it’s a small comfort.

“Well…” Jensen stops for a second, gathering his thoughts and wondering where to start. Chris is his best friend, and if someone should know about Jared, it’s Chris. “That night before the attack, when you set me up with that friend of yours… he never showed up.”

Chris opens his mouth to say something, but with a gesture, Jensen stops him. If he is gonna tell about Jared, he can’t be interrupted.

So Jensen tells Chris about how he met a boy named Jared at the bar. How they hit it off right away, and how Jensen had already felt something strong for the man, even if they had just met. How Jared told him he was also from Texas, and a firefighter at FDNY. At that, Chris’ eyes widen, perhaps wondering where this story is going and starting to connect the dots.

He tells Chris how he called Jared when the chaos started inside the North Tower after the plane hit, and about the pregnant lady. How Jensen found Jared but before he could reach him he fell into a hole and got stuck, how he pleaded to Jared to save the lady first. He tells Chris that Jared pulled a rosary out of his pocket and placed it in Jensen’s hand, asking him to keep it, that Jared would come back for him.

He tells Chris that Jared left with the woman, but never made it back. Chris already knows how he was able to get out of the hole, he had told him at the hospital, and right now, he can’t speak anymore. He has tears in his eyes thinking about Jared, it hurts too damn much.

“Jared is probably buried underneath what’s left of the buildings because he’s a damn hero. He went there to help people, and look what happened. Now he’s dead and I’ll never see him again. The only thing I have left of him is that rosary.”

Chris is silent for a while, processing everything Jensen has said. “Whoa Jenny, that’s… I don’t even know what to say. But how do you know for sure he’s dead?”

“He never came back, and he promised he would. Maybe he was called to the other tower, I don’t know, and soon after it went down. My tower collapsed too and we know hundreds of firemen died there. I’m sure he must have gotten trapped inside one of them, maybe he was trying to come back to where I was when it all came down.”

Chris bites the inside of his cheek. “Yeah, but you don’t know for sure. Why don’t we go to the fire station he works at and find out what really happened?”

Jensen frowns at that. What if Jared didn’t die, what if he managed to escape and is back there, working again and Jensen doesn’t know?

Jensen really doesn’t want to go back to Manhattan this soon, but if it means he could see Jared, even if he thinks it’s a faint hope, he can endure it.

*

The next morning, Chris drives Jensen to Manhattan. Again, he keeps his head down, not wanting to see the city because everything is still too recent. Jared had mentioned where his fire station was, so that’s where Chris drives.

They find a parking place near the station, and walk towards it. They stop at the other side of the street, and both sit down on a bench. Jensen stares at the building, wondering if Jared is in there by any chance.

Chris turns to him. “Are you gonna go in there and ask for him?”

Jensen shakes his head, suddenly terrified at the thought. “No, I… I can’t. I can’t ask, if they tell me Jared’s dead, I just… no. I’ll just wait here a bit and see. If you wanna go home you can, I’ll stay for a while.”

It looks like Chris is going to argue, but he apparently changes his mind. He doesn’t say anything, just sighs and settles down beside Jensen, silently letting his friend know that he’s staying too.

Jensen and Chris sit in silence for a long time. They watch as a lot of firefighters go in and out of the building, almost all of them with somber looks on their faces and all wear black armbands on their upper arms. Jensen’s heart gets tighter by the minute, a lot of firemen appear but none of them is Jared, and bit by bit, as the hours go by, he believes more and more that Jared is really among the firefighters that died in the attack. He knows he should ask, he should just go inside and ask someone what happened to Jared, but he can’t. He can’t hear them say that Jared is dead, he can’t hear the confirmation that makes it real, he knows it.

Suddenly he’s feeling dizzy, his chest is too tight and he can’t breathe, he closes his eyes and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, images of Jared and that day flooding his mind, and for a second he’s back there, inside that hole with thousands of people rushing past him, and there’s Jared crouching down in front of him, promising he would come back.

Jensen imagines Jared coming back, being delayed for some reason, and the building collapsing while he was in there. Because he had promised to go back for Jensen. Maybe he lost precious time trying to find Jensen, and didn’t have time to leave before the whole thing fell down. Jensen feels nauseated, and he has to put his head between his knees and take deep breaths, both to try and make the world stop spinning and not to throw up. He feels hands touching him, he thinks Chris is saying something but it feels like he’s underwater.

Jared is dead, he is dead for sure, Jensen knows now, he would be here if he wasn’t. And Jensen can’t shake off the feeling that he may have played a part in it, the feeling is stronger than him.

He can’t stay here, in the place where Jared used to work, the very same thing that led to his death, he needs to go. Jensen takes a deep breath and raises his head just enough to turn to Chris and whisper.

“Take me home, please.”

Chris apparently feels the urgency in Jensen’s voice, because he places an arm around his waist and the other on his shoulder, making Jensen stand up and allowing his friend to lean on him. Together they make their way towards the car, Jensen keeping his eyes shut the entire time, letting Chris support his weight. He doesn’t think he has the strength to walk by himself right now.

With Chris’ help, he gets inside the car and rests his head on the window. Jensen doesn’t open his eyes the entire ride back home, taking deep breaths trying to calm down. He shouldn’t have come here, it was a stupid idea. It just served to prove to him that Jared is indeed dead, he could see it in his absence, in the eyes of his co-workers, who lost him and probably more men. When Jensen remembers Jared’s smile, the adorable dimples that had appeared, he feels the tears running down his cheeks. He will never see those dimples again, and god he had instantly loved them so much. When they had popped up for the first time, Jensen knew he was doomed. Within a couple of hours, Jensen had liked Jared so much, he could maybe see a future with him, it was crazy after just meeting but Jensen didn’t care. And now everything was destroyed because of some lunatic assholes.

Jensen doesn’t notice when Chris parks in front of their building, he just feels his friend helping him out of the car, and he finally opens his eyes, relieved that they are back home. They enter the building together, and as Jensen makes a move to go to his apartment, Chris just holds him tighter and starts to climb the stairs to his place.

“Chris… w…” Jensen begins to ask, but his friend interrupts him.

“I’m not leaving you alone right now, Jenny, come on.”

Jensen is too weak to protest, so he allows Chris to drag him to his own apartment. Once inside, he deposits Jensen on the couch, and after a few seconds, there’s a glass of water in front of his face.

“Drink.”

Jensen does as he’s told, and he leans back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. God, what happened to him?

“Sorry, Chris,” he manages to mumble, as his friend plops down next to him.

“No need to apologize, Jensen. You went through a highly traumatic thing, and this is your body and mind reacting to it. It’s not surprising at all. How are you feeling? And spare me the ‘I’m fine’ crap, I’m not buying it.”

Jensen scoffs. “I don’t know, I feel so hollow. I keep reliving what happened, and I think of Jared. I know he’s dead and he shouldn’t have gone back for me as he probably did.”

“Jensen, you don’t know what happened.”

“Yeah, but I can’t help it. My mind is a huge mess and I just don’t know. I can’t think otherwise. I’ll probably never know what happened and that’s so fucking awful. And I feel guilty and there’s nothing that will convince me I’m not.”

Chris sighs and squeezes Jensen’s shoulder. “I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I guess, as you said, we’ll never know what really happened. But of one thing I’m sure, you are not guilty of anything. And I’m sure wherever Jared is right now, he agrees with me.”

Jensen doesn’t answer, he goes back to stare into nothing again as Chris goes makes something for them to have for lunch. He imagines what Jared probably went through, and tears escape his eyes. He can only hope Jared didn’t suffer.

*

The next morning Jensen goes to Tower Records a few blocks away from his apartment, and he finds the rock section. He browses through the G tab CDs until he finds what he’s looking for. When he arrives back home, he turns on his stereo and puts Green Day’s album _Nimrod_ on to play, jumping to track 17. The first chords of Good Riddance start playing, and Jensen’s eyes immediately fill with tears.

That was Jared’s song, the one that played when they met. Jared had smiled so brightly, and that was probably the moment Jensen instantly fell in love with him. Jared had said it was his favorite song, so Jensen listens to it on repeat, thinking about that smile.

If only he could see it again.

_**Jared** _

Jared is released from the hospital a month after he woke up from the coma. According to the doctor his body had a lot of internal healing to do, and he needed to start his physical therapy before being discharged.

For Jared, the past weeks have been like living in his worst nightmare, trapped in his own body, experiencing complete numbness mixed with heavy pain. He was transferred to a regular room a few days after waking up, but it was like nothing had changed. Sometimes it felt like his body was on fire, his head and torso hurting so much not even the pain meds could help. But the worst of it all was not feeling anything in the lower half of his body. Even though the pain was too much most of the time, he would trade the numbness for the pain in the blink of an eye, only if it meant he would be able to _feel_ his legs and feet again. He didn’t think he would ever get used to not being able to feel.

Sometimes, he would take the sheet off his legs and stare at them. They appeared completely normal, as they used to be. Jared would force his mind as hard as he could, to try and make something - even his pinky toe - move, but it was useless. He would sink his nails as deep as they would go into his thigh, trying to detect the pain they would cause, but even though they left deep marks on his skin, there was no sensation. Perhaps if his legs were all scarred and ugly, it would seem at least a bit less awful, but they looked so _normal_. Except for the fact that they didn’t move, they didn’t respond.

A week after Jared was out of the coma, a couple of nurses came into his room to take measurements of him. They told him they were doing it so he could be fitted for a wheelchair. It felt like being punched hard in the stomach. Jared knew he was paralyzed but until that moment he was trying with all he could not to think about it, to pretend nothing was happening. The first mention that he would indeed need a wheelchair made things much more real. He wanted to scream, to throw a fit and demand both of them to leave him the fuck alone. But he didn’t do any of it. Walls firmly in place, Jared closed his eyes and let his mind wander back to happier times before this fucking ordeal happened. He kept pretending it wasn’t happening, because if he gave into his desperation, he would never be able to stop. So he held his breath, and waited until they were done and he was finally alone.

A couple of days later, a guy came into his room and introduced himself as Andrew, saying he was there to start working on Jared’s physical therapy. Jared really didn’t know why he needed it, it wasn’t like he was going to get better. Andrew told him his body needed the exercise and he would be getting a lot of it from now on. It would help keep the paralyzed part of his body from atrophy and keep the rest of it functioning as well. Andrew said they needed to work together so Jared could learn how to sit properly in the wheelchair, since apparently he couldn’t even do that right now. God, he felt so fucking useless.

Every time Andrew would come and do the exercises with Jared, he would withdraw inside his mind, detach himself from his body and pretend it just wasn’t happening. He didn’t look as Andrew worked on his useless legs, the man would talk to him about random subjects, but Jared didn’t listen.

When Andrew brought a wheelchair for the first time, Jared’s defenses almost collapsed, as dark and heavy as the towers did that day. Andrew parked the thing beside his bed, and even as Jared tried not to he couldn’t take his eyes off of it, how ugly it seemed to him. Jared felt bile rising up his throat but he held back. He swallowed it down, took a few deep breaths and raised his head. Andrew helped Jared sit up on the bed, and placing both arms on the back of Jared’s shoulders and knees, he carefully picked him up and placed him on the seat of the chair, adjusting his legs on the footrests. Jared looked down at his body, at his legs and the wheels on each side, and he suddenly felt dizzy. His world turned dark as Andrew quickly supported him, Jared’s torso threatening to fell forward.

“Take deep breaths, Jared. You’ve been on the bed for a long time and it’s normal to feel dizzy, especially when the situation can be as overwhelming as this. Just take your time.”

Jared concentrated on Andrew’s voice and as suggested he breathed deep and slow several times until his vision finally cleared. Unfortunately it hadn’t been a nightmare as he had expected and he was still sitting on the damn wheelchair, his legs unable to move. His head hurt and tears burned behind his eyes, but again, he refused to let them fall. He sucked it up and looked away, trying to still pretend it wasn’t happening to him. Jared couldn’t do much, couldn’t use his hands to move the chair because his arm was still in a cast, so after Andrew wheeled him around his room, he picked Jared up again and placed him back on his bed, much to his relief.

The wheelchair stayed in the room with him, and he always refused to look at it. It served as a reminder that he was disabled now. How different his life would be from now on and all the things he would never be able to do again.

Chad visited him everyday, sometimes keeping Jared company for hours. And even though a part of Jared wanted his friend to leave since he wanted to be left the fuck alone, a bigger part of him craved the company, to have his friend there, a small part of normalcy. Chad would talk about everything that came into his mind from his crazy dates to stories about their coworkers, and Jared would even laugh sometimes and forget about everything else. At least for a few moments he would forget where he was and how he was, and those were the moments he yearned for the most. When Chad had to leave and Jared was alone again, everything came back full force. The dark thoughts would creep in and his walls would rise again.

Now that he’s being discharged, Jared is sitting in his own customised wheelchair beside the hospital bed. His duffel is packed and placed on the bed and he is waiting for Chad to come pick him up. His new chair was tailor made for him, it’s not ugly and heavy like the generic one he had been using. It’s actually modern and light, all black with a rigid frame that doesn’t fold, no armrests and a low backrest, a one piece footplate that doesn’t stand out in front of it, but keeps his feet tucked in. Definitely a wheelchair for everyday use.

He’s being sent to a rehab center in Brooklyn but he refused to go in an ambulance. That would serve to make him feel even worse, so Chad offered to drive him there, which is the lesser of two evils. It doesn’t take long before his friend is knocking on the door and poking his head inside the room.

“Ready to go, Jaybird?”

Jared catches the look on Chad’s face before he masks it, the shock of seeing him in the chair. Chad has seen Jared in it a couple of times already, and every time that look is there. His friend disguises it the best he can, pretending it’s nothing, but Jared doesn’t blame him. He doesn’t think he will ever get used to it either.

He considers Chad’s question. _Is_ he ready to leave? So far he has had a lot of help from the nursing staff doing pretty much everything for him, so he didn’t have to make too much effort on his own. Now though, he’s going to the rehab center to learn how to do everything again, to be independent again, and that sounds scary as fuck. It’s not the real world yet, but he needs to go and prepare himself to face it eventually, and Jared doesn’t think he can do it. He doesn’t think he can do anything at the moment. The cast on his left arm was finally removed two days ago, but his arm is still pretty weak, so he’s feeling even more useless than he had been.

When Jared realizes he still hasn’t answered Chad he shrugs. “Guess so.”

It’s the best he can come up with and he hopes his friend doesn’t ask more questions. Thankfully Chad doesn’t, just picks up Jared’s duffel and gently places it across Jared’s lap before positioning himself behind Jared and grabbing the handles of the wheelchair. Jared wants to argue, he wants to tell him he can fucking push himself, but the truth is, he doesn’t think he can, not yet, not with his weak arm and not when he hasn’t done it for more than a couple of feet. So he just sucks it up, too drained to argue, and allows Chad to push him.

He doesn’t look up once, doesn’t acknowledge the nurse at the door who is waiting to accompany them to the car. He hopes she doesn’t talk to him, they have already given him all the instructions. He still doesn’t look up when they pass through the corridors where there are people freely moving about. Jared feels his cheeks heating up because he is sure everyone is looking at him, at the poor cripple in the wheelchair. So he keeps himself busy tracing the Adidas logo on his duffel.

When they finally reach the parking lot, Chad moves the chair right beside the passenger door, and opens the door as wide as it will go. Jared finally looks up at his friend, noticing he’s unsure of how to go about getting Jared in. Jared would very much like to be able to transfer himself to the damn car, but he knows that right now it’s not an option. He’s simply not strong enough yet and it looks as daunting as climbing Mount Everest. Plus, with his still weak arm and not completely healed sore ribs, Jared is positive he would feel the floor with his face if he even tried to attempt it.

Nevertheless, he doesn’t ask Chad for help because he can’t find his voice to do so. He feels like a fucking invalid, not even being able to get inside a damn car. Chad apparently senses his distress and solves the problem for both of their sakes.

“Look Jay,” he says, and places a hand on Jared’s shoulder. “I know it sucks, but you gotta lemme help you on this one, okay? I’m sure you’ll be able to do this yourself in no time, but not right now. Plus, I don’t mind one bit, you hear me? Can I?”

Jared is silent for a few seconds but he knows he doesn’t have much of a choice. Besides, if there’s anyone he trusts with his life, it’s Chad. He doesn’t say anything, just gives his friend a small nod. So, after placing the duffel on the back seat, Chad picks Jared up very carefully, and for the brief moments his friend carries him, Jared can sense his distress. He’s probably remembering the last time he had to carry Jared, and he doesn’t blame Chad one bit.

Chad gently places Jared on the passenger seat, silently adjusting his legs. Jared buckles up and nods again when Chad asks if he’s good. He then takes the wheelchair to the trunk, and the nurse shows him how to take the wheels off and lower the backrest so it will fit it.

After the nurse says her goodbyes to Jared and Chad, they’re both ready to go. Jared is relieved to be leaving the hospital, but he’s way more scared of what’s lying ahead. As they head out onto the street and into traffic, Jared takes a look around. He hasn’t been outside or seen the outdoors since he was admitted. He’d been living in a parallel world for a month locked inside the hospital walls and his own mind. Facing the real world again is a hard blow, he’s not sure how to adjust.

He looks at all the people going to work, or to school, or sitting at a bench having a sandwich. People waiting for the bus, a hot dog cart on a corner, people waiting to cross the street. What hits Jared the hardest is that everything looks _normal_. Exactly like it was before all hell broke loose for him. His life has turned completely upside down, changed irrevocably, but the world at large is still standing, still moving forward. People are still living their usual lives, as if nothing has happened. The world didn’t stop because Jared was injured and left paralyzed.

Jared has to try impossibly hard not to let his walls crumble. He swallows down the lump in his throat, ignoring the burning in his chest. Looking down, picking at a loose thread on the carseat he can only halfway feel, Jared has no idea how he’s gonna be able to live in a world that hasn’t changed at all. He has no idea what to do.


	6. Chapter 6

__

 

_**Jensen** _

It has been a couple months since the attack, and Jensen doesn’t feel any better. Quite the contrary, he feels worse every day. And the thing is, he has no idea why he feels that way. He should feel happy, he knows that, he escaped, he’s alive, but he make his heart seem to understand. All he can think about is that he offered to go down to the other office instead of his boss, and that the man could be alive right now but isn’t because of Jensen.

And of course there is always Jared, who is a constant presence in Jensen’s mind. Jared, who deserved to live so much, way more than Jensen. And he can’t make himself stop thinking about that loss.

Chris knows something is up with him, it’s impossible not see something is amiss. He has been trying to make Jensen go get professional help but Jensen doesn’t see why he has to. He is sure there are people out there with real problems, who need help way more than he does. He just doesn’t understand why he’s alive when so many others deserved to be a lot more than he is.

What he really needs is a job. He has been at home ever since leaving the hospital, barely leaving his building unless strictly necessary, like to buy groceries. He has some money saved but that will end eventually. He needs to find a new job and get back out there. Jensen is sure that when he starts working again and begins to feel useful that he will feel better. Spending a lot of time at home without much to do is what makes him think about all those things he can’t help thinking about, so he really needs a distraction. A new job where he can put his brain to better use is all he needs.

Jensen spends the next few days looking for job offers in the newspaper and even contacting some people from offices he knows. He ends up getting an interview at a law firm in Manhattan. A guy he knows had received word that the firm was looking to hire someone, and gave them Jensen’s resume. Jensen isn’t a fan of going back to Manhattan, but at least it’s not in the Financial District so it’s a start.

When the interview day comes, Jensen is nervous. He dresses in a suit for the first time since the attacks happened and he feels suffocated. He loosens the tie a bit and takes a few deep breaths. Jensen can do it, he’s being dramatic. He tells himself to get over it, it’s been two months and he needs to move on with his life and find a new job.

Chris had offered to drive him, but Jensen refused. He’s going to take the subway, like he did almost everyday before, and if he gets the job, he’s gonna have to start doing it everyday again. He does have a car but he always preferred to take the subway into Manhattan. The ride goes relatively well and Jensen looks around often, having a strange feeling that everyone is staring at him as if knowing he was at the WTC and survived when he shouldn’t have. It’s almost like it’s printed on his forehead in bold letters.

Of course there’s no way for them to know and he logically understands that but Jensen notices something. People look different, everyone looks sad. He has stayed inside and kept to himself for too long, he’s missed how his people are handling the aftermath. It’s like everyone is still grieving what happened to the towers, to the people, even if it’s already November. Jensen can’t blame them, he’s sure he himself will grieve it forever.

Jensen finally arrives at the building, and he stops on the sidewalk to look at it. It’s a tall building, and the office he needs to go to is on the 20th floor. He gets a shiver just thinking about it, but he sucks it up and gets inside to the lobby. Checking in at the reception desk, he feels uneasy again. Everything looks too similar to the World Trade Center, and he’s hit with memories from that day, running in the lobby, trying to get past a sea of people and falling into a hole. Jared coming to help him…

Jensen shakes his head, trying to send those thoughts away. He can’t go there right now. He’s here for a purpose, he can do it. After the receptionist tells him he can go up, he slowly walks to the elevator. Pressing the button, Jensen starts to feel weird, but he shakes it off. It’s only a building, it’s not the WTC, he’s not even near it, it’s fine. _It’s fine._

The elevator finally arrives and the door opens. Jensen stares at the empty car, and it’s like some invisible force stops him from getting inside. His body won’t move for a few seconds, and the doors start to close. On instinct, Jensen reaches out and stops them. He quickly steps inside and presses the 20th button. The car slowly starts its ascent and as Jensen finds himself trapped inside, he begins to feel uneasy. He takes a look around and suddenly he has difficulty breathing, his chest feels tight, like someone is squeezing his lungs.

He can’t stop it - his mind is flooded with images of that day. Being on the 30th floor when the crash happened, desperately trying to get down the stairs, all the darkness and smoke, people everywhere. What if a plane hits this building while he’s in the elevator? What if he is trapped in here, without any means to get out? What if the elevator falls down he’s crushed? What if he can’t make it out this time, what if he has to pay for making it out alive before when he shouldn’t have?

Jensen’s vision darkens. He can’t see the elevator walls anymore and he’s suddenly brought back to that day at the North Tower and he needs to escape, he knows if he stays inside this car, _he will die._ He drops the briefcase he was holding and his body collapses against the wall. Jensen slowly sinks to the floor, his knees pressed to his chest with his hands covering his ears, his eyes closed shut.

_Please, PLEASE. Get me out of here!_

_It’s so dark, I can’t breathe._

_Jared, please help me!_

_I’m gonna die in here!_

There’s a loud ringing in his ear and he shakes his head trying to make it stop. Blood is running down his face and he can smell the smoke, feel the dust entering his nose and throat, he can’t breathe. He tries to take deep breaths, but it only serves to make him inhale more dust, and his chest feels too tight, like it’s going to explode at any moment. Someone is screaming, and Jensen wants to tell them to stop screaming, it’s hurting his ears, please stop!

From far away he can hear a ding and then there are distant voices but the screaming won’t stop. He hopes the voices are here to save him, to get him out of this building, he hopes Jared is coming. Is Jared okay?

Jensen feels someone grabbing at him and a sharp pain across his face then suddenly the screaming stops. His throat feels raw, his whole body is shivering. He dares to open his eyes just a fraction and as his vision clears up a bit, he can see a stranger’s face looking at him with a worried expression. He takes a quick look around and he’s inside an elevator. Everything looks normal, there’s no smoke at all.

The stranger helps Jensen to his feet and he suddenly feels sick to his stomach. All he has time to do is turn his head when he loses the contents of his stomach. His whole body threatens to collapse, but the stranger keeps him upright, and Jensen needs to get out of here right now, he can’t stay inside this building any longer, he knows it’s gonna fall at any second.

“I need to go… please…” Jensen barely recognizes his mumbling as the stranger walks him out of the elevator car and into a hallway. He deposits Jensen on a couch and Jensen wants to go, he needs to leave right now, but his body won’t cooperate, it’s like his limbs weigh a ton. Someone presses a glass of water in his hand, asking him who they could call.

“Chris… please… call him.” Jensen barely manages to get the words out as he’s still trying to get his breathing under control. He allows all the fight to leave his body as he sinks back on the couch, closing his eyes again and trying to empty his mind. Jensen stays still as a statue as he tries to pull himself together. He still isn’t sure what’s happening or what’s he doing here, he needs to leave but he doesn’t know where to go. He recites Chris’ number when someone asks and he hopes his friend is coming. A few minutes late a lady comes and tells him that his Chris is indeed coming so Jensen stays where he is. People keep trying to talk to him in soothing tones but he doesn’t answer, he’s too afraid to move.

Eventually - he has no idea how much time has passed - there’s someone touching his knee and a familiar voice calling his name.

“Jensen? Can you hear me?”

At that, Jensen snaps out of his stupor, opening his eyes and finding Chris’ familiar face, and everything comes back with startling clarity. His eyes fill with tears as panic rises again and his breathing falters. Suddenly he doesn’t know where he is once more.

“Chris… I can’t… please I need… I need to go… it’s gonna fall down… please! And Jared… he’s in here, I think--I think he needs help too, let’s go Chris, please!”

Chris has a weird look on his face and Jensen wonders why is he taking so long, they need to go! His friend finally grabs him by the arms and gets Jensen to his feet, dragging him to the elevator. Jensen desperately shakes his head.

“No… no! I can’t go in there Chris, it’s gonna crash down, I can’t, don’t make me please!” Jensen knows he sounds pathetic, but Chris needs to understand.

His friend grabs his shoulders and turns Jensen to him, shaking his body to make him focus.

“Jensen, listen. We’re on the 20th floor, and there are only two ways to get down. Either we get inside this elevator, or we go down 20 flights of stairs. Do you want to do that?”

Jensen shakes his head. “No! No, I can’t, but…”

“Jensen, we’re not in the World Trade Center, it’s another building, we’re safe here. Nothing is gonna happen, we just need to get in the elevator and go down. Don’t you want to leave the building?” Jensen nods. “Then we need to get inside the elevator. I promise nothing is gonna happen, I’ll go with you. The sooner we enter the elevator, the sooner we’ll be out of here and on our way home.”

Jensen has an inner debate, he wants to get the fuck out of here, but at the same time he can’t stand the thought of getting inside the elevator again. Using the stairs is out of question too, what if there’s smoke there? He knows he doesn’t have another option, and the longer he stands waiting, the worse he feels. So he nods to his friend, and Chris helps him back inside, pushing the L button for the lobby. Jensen’s whole body shakes as tears again blur his vision and memories rise up. Chris talks to him all the way down, assuring him it’s fine, that they’re safe. That Jensen is not in danger, that it’s not the same building.

It’s the longest ride of Jensen’s life. He can’t open his eyes and he feels trapped inside a shoe box, his whole body hurting and chest aching, and it’s harder and harder to breathe. If Chris wasn’t holding him upright, Jensen’s sure he would have collapsed by now.

A soft ding sounds and the sound of doors opening - finally, _finally_ they arrive at the lobby, and Chris ushers him quickly out into the open area. Jensen still doesn’t open his eyes as he’s guided through the lobby to the outdoors, and only when he feels the air changing and a breeze over his face is when he opens them, just a tiny bit. He can see the sun and the street, and he can finally breathe deeply again. His mind is still foggy, he’s confused and isn’t sure what the hell happened, what he was doing here. Chris quietly takes him to the car, helping him into the passenger seat, fastening his seatbelt and closing the door.

Jensen sinks against the door and window, eyes slipping closed again, and he stays that way during the whole ride home. When Chris parks the car in front of their building, Jensen doesn’t move. Chris has to physically take Jensen out like a child, and hold him up as they make their way inside the building, since apparently all Jensen’s strength has left him.

When they enter, Chris moves to take Jensen up to his place, but when Jensen sees the stairs, he panics.

“No Chris, I don’t want to, I can’t… please!” Jensen shakes his head as memories of smoke and a crowd of people invade him. He doesn’t know what’s happening, he has climbed those stairs to Chris’ place more than since the attack, but it’s like a switch has been flipped inside him and now he just can’t do it. He knows it’s unreasonable, but at this very moment, he just cannot.

Chris doesn’t argue, thankfully, and instead takes Jensen to his own apartment, managing to unlock the door and steer Jensen to the couch. His friend leaves for a second and returns with a glass of water, placing it in Jensen’s hand and sitting down next to him. As Jensen sips at the water, relieving the achy soreness of his throat, Chris tells him to take deep breaths and that it will be okay. Jensen doubts that but he does as he says. Chris also turns the music on low and sound washing over him helps to calm him down.

Slowly Jensen feels more like himself and the memories of what happened catch up to him as they filter in through his mind. God, he’s pathetic. He can’t even go inside a fucking elevator anymore because of what happened. The Powers That Be must really be regretting having saved him right now. He can’t stop the first sob that erupts unbidden, and seconds later he’s crying like a baby, endless tears running down his face and there’s no stopping them. Chris keeps a strong hand on his shoulder and lets his friend get it all out.

Jensen cries until his eyes are burning, his throat choked on words he can’t give voice to, and Chris finally speaks.

“You need to see a therapist, Jenny.” When Jensen opens his mouth to protest, Chris holds up a hand. “Dude, what happened today wasn’t healthy and you know it. There’s nothing wrong with seeing someone to talk about it all, you went through a huge trauma. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about in seeing someone professionally to get help through this. You just need to do something about it before it really affects your life.”

Jensen just closes his eyes and nods. He is too tired to argue and deep down he knows Chris is right. He feels really awful, now even more so, and he can only hope that a therapist can really help him.

*

Jensen unlocks his door and slowly enters his apartment, closing the door behind him and sinking against it. He has just had his first session with a therapist, who gave names to what Jensen has been feeling. He’s suffering from PTSD and survivor’s guilt. He’d been the only survivor in his own office, especially because he took his boss’ place by going to the downstairs office, and Jared’s death also played a big part in his emotions. Well, he already knew that on a logical level. But having it named by a professional gives it more weight - more credence - than he’d anticipated. She also told him the PTSD can take a while to manifest, it’s not something that necessarily occurs right after a traumatic event. Jensen freaks out only thinking about going inside an elevator or climbing the stairs in a high building now. He can go up Chris’ apartment without stress, but only because he knows it’s a low floor. He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to go up to a high floor ever again. The therapist said she can help him, but Jensen remains skeptical. His thinking is all screwed up and he’s not sure that’s fixable. And he’s so very tired.

Ever since the day of his (non) interview, he has started to have nightmares. So far, he hadn’t had dreams of any kind, although he’d had trouble sleeping. Now it has gone from non-existent to full blown horror. Everytime sleep does come, he’s met with awful images: darkness, smoke, being among a crowd of desperate people pushing and pulling and unable to get away. He often sees Jared and when he does, Jared is being buried under endless tons of steel and concrete, trying to reach out to him, but Jensen just can’t get to him. He wakes up panting and in tears every time, and he can’t fall back asleep. He tosses and turns, those horrible images on a loop in his mind. He often grabs the rosary from his nightstand and thinks of all the good things about Jared: his voice, that dimpled smile, his kind eyes. However the nice memories are all too soon replaced with tormented ones from his dreams, where Jared is screaming and helpless.

Jensen breaks from his thoughts and moves away from the door, slowly moving into his kitchen, thinking about grabbing a glass of water. He rummages through his cupboards thinking maybe he can find a snack there too. What he finds instead is a bottle of whiskey that his boss gave him for his birthday months ago. Jensen grabs the sealed bottle, he hasn’t opened it because whiskey gives him headaches.

Suddenly, he’s thrown back to the day he met Jared. When he walked up to the bartender and asked for the strongest beer and Jared had suggested he have a whiskey instead. Jensen had said that to him then, that whiskey gives him headaches.

Tears well up in his eyes, as they usually do when Jensen thinks about Jared, about the beautiful man he’d met and lost so quickly. Suddenly, having a glass of whiskey sounds like the best idea in the world. He reaches for a glass and pours a generous glug of Jack Daniels in it, downing it in one gulp.

It burns, leaving a trail of fire down his throat and his tears fall as his eyes water even more from the alcohol, but it feels good. Not quite good enough though, so he goes for another round. He can sense the headache starting behind his eyes after the third drink, and he ignores it since he’s starting to feel surprisingly more mellow. The ache in his heart doesn’t seem so huge anymore and the painful images in his mind have blurred a little at the edges. Everything is beginning to seem softer, not as harsh as it had seemed a short while ago.

_Huh._

Jensen grabs the bottle and the glass and moves to his couch. It seems like he has found a perfect way to forget about everything that was painful. Maybe this would even let him sleep in peace.

_**Jared** _

It’s almost bedtime and Jared is in his room at the rehabilitation center in his wheelchair looking out the window, reflecting.

He has been at the center for over a month now but for Jared it could have been a lifetime. For the past several weeks he has been relearning how to be self sufficient again, taking into account his new limitations. He feels like he’s a growing toddler all over again tackling new tasks and relearning basic ones. He has learned how to get in and out of his wheelchair on his own, how to transfer to the car, to the bed, and other places that seem so mundane. He can now take a shower and change clothes on his own - can even put fucking shoes on himself, which is still a very hard task for him. One of the hardest things has been going to the bathroom on his own. At first he had a urine bag strapped to his leg all the time because he couldn’t feel his bladder and there was no control. He is slowly learning how to work a schedule so he won’t have to use the bag, which means he has to empty his bladder and bowels at more frequent intervals, otherwise he could have a serious problem. Jared feels humiliated every time he has to do it, especially the bowel part. He still feels betrayed by his own body, and his loss of such intimate functions make him feel even more incapable than he already does.

He’s also been educated on taking extra care of his legs, always checking them and his ass for any signs of a rash. He’s learned that being seated all the time can cause his skin to develop pressure sores and he has been told over and over how much of a pain in the ass those can be, literally (not that he would be able to feel the pain anyway, his mind reminds him). Jared also has to watch how he sleeps now - he can’t sleep on his back because of the pressure and strain to his spine, so he now sleeps on his stomach or his side, and if he does the latter he has to put pillows behind his back to prevent him from turning on his sleep. God, his body truly seems useless and without purpose.

Jared is slowly understanding that not being able to walk is only one of the problems that come with a spinal cord injury. He’s dealing with a multitude of other things and it often feels impossible. Shortly after arriving at the rehab center he had woken one night with sharp pains in his lower back. It had felt like he was being both burned and stabbed along the area where his spine was most heavily damaged. Jared had reached out with his hand to touch and feel the shape of the scar from the surgery he’d had there, and it only made it worse. He couldn’t breathe, his lower back felt on fire, and he had to bite the pillow to prevent from screaming. He didn’t understand what was happening or why his back was hurting so much when he couldn’t actually feel anything there. The pain felt real though, and he was confused and scared.

Eventually the pain had subdued but Jared couldn’t get any more sleep that night, the discomfort he was feeling was too much to even try to move. In the morning, he had talked to the doctor about it, and Dr. Smith had explained to Jared that he was suffering from neuropathic pain. Another new thing for Jared to comprehend and understand, his brain and the damaged nerves in his spine could miscommunicate leading to pain, even in the areas where he has no feeling. Jared had thought it was truly just the icing on a crappy cake. Not only could he not feel half of his body, the pain from the injury would still be very real. Just great.

The doctor had prescribed him drugs to help ease the pain and told Jared that unfortunately this kind of reaction was unpredictable. It could go away forever or hit him when he least expects it. Apparently his body had found another way to betray him.

Jared had also started working with an occupational therapist, who was helping him adapt and be more self sufficient for everyday tasks in preparation for life outside the center. He’d also continued his physical therapy work with seemingly endless sessions. Spending time doing either or both often left him moody and drained.

Throughout it all Jared remained detached. He did everything he was told to, learning from and talking to the professionals he’s assigned and he never complains. He could have been the poster boy for a newly paralyzed person. However he still doesn’t allow himself to think too much, keeping his walls firmly in place and ensuring they stay that way. If he allowed himself to think about his future, about his life from now on, he doesn’t know what would happen.

Chad had found them a new place, a one story house only a few blocks away from their old apartment. He had moved there a week ago and all their friends had helped: Tom, Mike, Stephen, Sandy and Sophia. Jared had felt awful that Chad had to find a new place to live and handle the logistics of the move because of Jared. Not being able to help made him feel guilty and frustrated. It didn’t matter how many times Chad said it was fine and their new house was great, Jared can’t help but feel like a burden. At least he had a place to go after leaving the center, but still.

The gang of friends had actually visited Jared a couple of weeks ago. He was reluctant at first, not wanting them to see him how he is now but Chad had convinced him, saying that his friends missed him so much and were all very worried about him after almost losing him that day. It was a little awkward at first, all of them were obviously shocked to see Jared in the wheelchair. He also looked very different now, having lost a lot of weight and muscle mass ever since the accident happened and having become pale from being kept indoors for so long. Jared barely looked at himself in the mirror, he hated seeing his face and even more his body in the detested wheelchair. He always looked the other way when he was faced with a full body mirror. He just couldn’t stand the sight of himself.

When the initial shock had worn off, his friends all greeted him, bending down to give him hugs. They all said it was awesome to see him again, and that they were so happy he had survived. Jared wasn’t so certain he _had_ survived, not really, but he didn’t say a word. It was actually nice to see them all again, even if they served as a reminder of everything he had lost, everything that had changed.

When things get particularly dark in his mind, like right now as he’s thinking back, Jared turns to thoughts of Jensen. It’s his happy place, he likes to remember Jensen’s beautiful face, his bright smile, his luminous green eyes. How good he had smelled and tasted. How his soft skin had felt under Jared’s palm, and he thinks about his voice. God, he misses Jensen’s voice. Suddenly, he remembers something and he wheels to his nightstand, opening the drawer and picking up his cell phone. Chad had returned it to him after he arrived at the center, it had stayed in the truck on the day of the attack, and one of the firemen had found it.

Jared flips it open and goes to his contacts list. He scrolls down until he finds Jensen’s name. He hesitates for a long time, thumb hovering over the call button. It’s a long shot because Jared is certain Jensen is dead, but what if? It’s definitely worth a shot.

He finally presses the call button, and it goes directly to voicemail.

_“Hi, this is Jensen. Can’t answer right now but please, leave a message and I’ll call you back!”_

When he hears Jensen’s melodic voice Jared puts his fist into his mouth to keep his emotions at bay. His chest aches and his eyes burn. It hurts more than anything he has gone through so far. He misses Jensen dearly. If Jensen were here, maybe things would be easier. Then again, even if Jensen were alive, he wouldn’t want anything to do with a cripple, of that Jared is sure.

The nurse comes in as he’s pulling himself together and helps Jared get settled in his bed for the night. She adjusts his hated urine bag on the side of it because he still needs to use it at night until he is completely used to the bladder schedule, and helps him into a more comfortable position on his side. Then he’s finally left alone in the dark with nothing but his sorrowful thoughts for company. He is still clutching the phone in his hand and quickly loses count of how many times he dials Jensen’s number only to hear his deep voice again, both torturing and soothing.

It’s a whole new level of pain and Jared torments himself with it for hours, before finally allowing oblivion to take him and as usual, dream of Jensen’s face.


	7. Chapter 7

 

_**Jared** _

A couple of days later, Jared is in his room when there’s a knock on the door. It’s still open visiting hours so very likely it’s Chad, although Chad usually enters right after knocking.

“Come in,” Jared says and rotates his chair around to see who’s at the door. When it opens he’s met by none other than his ex-boyfriend.

“Justin?” Jared whispers, too shocked to find his voice.

Justin takes a step inside the room and on instinct Jared wheels backwards. Justin follows the movement of his hands on the wheels, his eyes locked on Jared’s chair. Jared recovers from the shock and clears his throat, trying to make Justin look at him and not the chair.

“What are you doing here?”

Justin manages to move his gaze up and meet Jared’s eyes, but Jared can see he’s disturbed and trying to find something to say.

“I--I heard what happened to you that day, and I wanted to come and see how you’re doing.”

Jared scoffs, and throws his arms up in frustrated anger. He’s fucking tired and pissed already from Justin even being here, and he can’t help himself. It’s a small escape valve.

“Well Justin, I’m peachy. I’m on vacation in this beautiful 5 star resort, in the best shape of my life and I even got myself a new ride. So I don’t see how I could be doing any better!”

Justin looks down and away, looks anywhere but at Jared when he answers.

“Sorry Jare, I just…I still care about you. I’m sorry it happened, it must suck a lot. Can’t even imagine.”

Jared rolls his eyes. “No, Justin, you can’t _possibly_ imagine. You didn’t have to come here. I sure as hell don’t need to see the pity in your eyes when you look at me. You don’t need to pretend you care, we’re not together anymore. Just be happy you finished with me before this happened, so you don’t have to deal with a crippled boyfriend or feel even more guilty for breaking up with me because it would have been too much. But you know what, I’m fine, no need to worry about me.”

Justin nods and swallows hard, biting the inside of his cheek. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have come.”

He turns around to leave, but Jared calls him.

“Just one more thing.” His ex turns around and faces Jared. “Where were you that day, Justin? Did you go inside the towers?”

Justin looks down again, fidgeting with his car keys before answering. “No… I didn’t go inside. I stayed close to the ambulances to help those who got out of the buildings.”

Jared nods. _Coward_. “I see. Nice to know you’re doing good, Justin. Goodbye.”

Justin looks like he wants to say something, but decides against it. When he quietly closes the door behind him, Jared stares at it for a long time in anguish. If he had stayed behind like Justin he probably wouldn’t be in this situation right now, but surprisingly, he doesn’t regret it. He did what he had to do, he did his job. When he decided to be a firefighter, he knew the risks and he took them.

Still though, seeing Justin brings to the surface so many things he can’t have anymore. On reflex, Jared cups his dick through his sweatpants and he feels nothing. His dick is limp and he can’t get it up. The doctor said it’s possible to have an erection but it would require hard work. As if someone would bother enough to go through all of that with Jared just so he can have a simple erection. He’s accepted that sex, any physical intimacy really, is over for him. It’s hard to make peace with that though, when he remembers it, craves it. Justin is completely gorgeous with a perfect body. His visit served to remind Jared of what he used to be, what Justin can still be, but Jared can never be again. Because seriously, who would even look at him with desire the way he is now?

Jared squeezes his dick hard, but of course there’s nothing, no response at all. His back is starting to bother him again, so he sighs and lets go of his dick, deciding to try and lie down for a bit. It’s another thing he knows he will never get used to, but he can be tough. He has to be now, there’s no other option.

*

It’s the end of January when Jared is released from the rehab center. He’ll be moving into the new home Chad had found for them and he’s dreading it in the same way he had before going to the rehab center. Back at the hospital he’d had all the help from the nurses and aides that had done everything for him. Then it was a step down at the rehab center, where it was more like living in a parallel world; everything was accessible and there were other people like him (not that he interacted much) but there were still professionals all around to help him work through his recovery. Now it’s another step down, like the training wheels are coming off and Jared’s really going to be on his own out in the real world. As much as he doesn’t want to admit it, he’s scared as hell.

Jared can’t even remember much of the last several weeks at the center. He had gone through the motions every day as if on autopilot, not even registering the new year coming and going.

On Christmas Eve, his friends had all visited, Sandy and Sophia had cooked a feast and brought the holiday celebration to him. To be honest, Jared hadn’t been in the mood to celebrate anything. He had always liked Christmas but it had become a bittersweet holiday ever since his mother passed, and on top of that, this was the first one facing an entirely new life ahead given his condition. His friends had given up on spending time with their families to be with him and deep down Jared knew he couldn’t go all Grinch on them and spoil their Christmas. So he sucked it up, plastered a smile on his face to cover up his inner turmoil and let himself be served a plate piled high with food.

Before the accident, putting food in front of Jared was a sure way to make it disappear. He loved to eat. These days though, food wasn’t really an enjoyable experience. He never felt like eating much, his appetite fairly nonexistent. He’d looked at the plate filled with his favorite dishes before him and mostly pushed items around, taking only a handful of bites. He did his best so his friends wouldn’t notice. Chad saw right through him, of course, but a small head shake from Jared when their eyes met cut him off from saying anything. All of them had brought a small gift to give Jared, taking turns to hug him and tell how great it was to spend time together. Jared didn’t feel great about the evening in the slightest, but it wouldn’t have been right to mention it. So he stretched his smile even wider, the forced happiness on his face not giving anything away. It made him feel uncomfortable and guilty, but he thought he had done a good job pretending. His friends didn’t deserve or have to deal with his crap, it was him in the chair, not them.

Now Chad is driving him to their place, their new place that Jared hasn’t seen yet. He still hates that Chad had to deal with taking care of everything to get them set up, from finding a place to moving in and getting it ready - all because of Jared. Chad has told him countless times that it was okay, but for Jared it really isn’t. He knows he had no other choice and that he should be grateful that someone was standing by him through it all. His heart is still just so very angry about the situation altogether. Chad had been talking a mile a minute ever since they left the center and Jared can’t seem to concentrate on any of it but it soothes him to hear his friend’s voice. It helps to calm his nerves knowing he’s got someone who cares, that he isn’t completely alone.

As Chad parks the car in the driveway and goes to fetch the wheelchair from the trunk, Jared opens his door and takes a look at the front of the house. It’s a small house, nothing too special about it, but he does notice a ramp where the front steps should be. Jared’s eyes fixate on the ramp and he only looks away when Chad softly clears his throat, wheelchair all ready for him. Jared sighs, but slowly transfers himself from the carseat to it. It’s still a hassle, it takes a while and a lot of strength Jared hasn’t quite built up in reserve yet, but he manages.

Jared wheels towards the house as Chad grabs his luggage and locks up the car. Jared’s cautiously looking around and hoping nobody is watching him. The street is blessedly empty. When Chad asks if Jared wants help, Jared finds himself responding that he really doesn’t. He can do this, he knows he can. He has to do it.

As he wheels himself up the small ramp his thoughts quickly turn sour. It might as well be another Everest. His arms already feel worn out, even though he has practiced this very scenario repeatedly at rehab. Chad opens up the door and Jared makes his way inside. It’s as small as the outside but somehow spacious as well. There isn’t a lot of furniture in the living room and Jared knows it’s that way so he has space to maneuver his chair around. He feels bitter all of a sudden. He misses their old apartment, where everything was a mess, where there was barely enough space to move around, but he _could_ move around. Now apparently they need to have less stuff so Jared can reach the fucking couch.

Chad shows him his new room, which is also spacious, and Jared has a feeling Chad got the smaller room out of both of them. _Great_. Jared’s room has an ensuite bathroom, and when he goes inside, he immediately notices it obviously got the biggest renovations. There isn’t a cabinet under the sink, so he can park his chair under it easily. There are also grab bars on the walls, next to the toilet and in the shower stall, which also has a stool installed. Jared swallows hard, it’s like being back at the rehab center, knowing he needs all of this just so he can use the fucking bathroom. Constant reminders of how his life is going to be different.

Chad quickly shows him the rest of the house and Jared takes in the changes made for his benefit: the kitchen with low reachable cabinets, broad archways and passthroughs and the small backyard he’ll be able to easily access. Chad is fidgeting, Jared knows he’s anxious to know what he thinks of the house. He can see in his mind’s eye all of their friends helping. Perhaps Tom, Mike and Stephen helped fix the bathroom, kitchen and doorways; Sandy and Sophia maybe did the decor placement and unpacking, ensuring an easy flow around the position of furniture. Jared knows he should be thankful that his friends went above and beyond so Jared could have a functional place to live. And he is thankful, his heart frequently warring between gratitude and anger, he can’t seem to turn off the screaming voice in his head saying it’s just not fair.

But Jared doesn’t want to upset his friend - it’s not Chad’s fault Jared is still struggling with his new reality. So he morphs his face into a deep smile, hoping it’s convincing. “It all looks awesome Chad, thanks for doing all of this. The house is great.”

Chad relaxes into a smile and lets out a deep breath. He must have been really nervous to know how Jared would feel. “I’m so glad you like it Jaybird, everyone helped a bit. They wanted to be here when you arrived home but I figured you’d probably want to have some space at first, to get settled and shit.”

For that, Jared really is grateful, he doesn’t want to deal with anyone else right now. Actually, he _really_ needs to be left alone.

“Look Chad…” Jared looks up at his friend and he suddenly hates that he’s shorter than everyone. It hits him like another punch - he’s not the tallest one anymore. “You did a great job with the house, I really appreciate it. I think I’ll go to my room for a while, ‘kay? I’m kinda tired.”

Chad nods. “Of course, Jay. I’ll make us something to eat later then.”

Jared nods. “Thanks, but I’m not really hungry, it’s okay.”

Jared goes to his room and closes the door behind him, letting out a huge breath. He wheels close to his bed and transfers himself to it, lying down on his back, pillows propped against him to relieve the pressure, his hands crossed behind his head. Jared looks up at the ceiling, and his mind wanders once again. This is it, he’s on his own now. He still has to go to the rehab facility once a week and a physical therapist will come by to do exercises with him a couple times a week, but this is real life now.

His gaze travels over to the wheelchair sitting next to his bed, and it hits Jared that it will always be there. He will always need it if he wants to be able to go anywhere. Even if he needs something from his dresser, which is only ten feet away, he needs the wheelchair. If he wants some water from the kitchen in the middle of the night, he needs it. If he wants to go to the grocery store down the street to get a snack, he needs it, and he hates the damn thing with all his heart, hates that he needs it for anything, everything.

Jared shivers with anxiety just thinking about actually leaving the house and meeting other people, having them stare at him. Jared wonders for the millionth time what he’s gonna do now. He can’t see any kind of future for him, he can’t fathom any kind of path ahead. All he can see are a set of damned wheels and an endless dark tunnel ahead of him to go through with them, no end or light in sight at all.

He closes his eyes and wishes they could stay closed forever, that he could wake up in heaven next to Jensen.

_**Jensen** _

It’s Jensen’s birthday, but he can’t find a single reason to celebrate. He’s turning 30, and all his once planned ideas of things to do to celebrate don’t make sense anymore. Never in a million years would Jensen have thought this is where he’d be at this point of his life, but here he is.

And he hates it.

Jensen can’t understand why his mind is constantly working against him since the attack on the towers. It’s been almost six months and nothing has gotten any easier. Actually everything seems so much harder. The guilt he feels for being alive eats him up inside every single day. He lies awake in bed every night for hours, thinking about September 11th, how he wasn’t supposed to be where he was and how everyone else he worked with is gone. He thinks about Jared all the time, how Jared deserves to be alive right now. Jensen has thought countless times that he wouldn’t mind giving up his own life if that meant Jared could have a chance to live.

Ever since the day of the interview that never took place, it’s like a gate opened in Jensen’s brain and all his demons were set free, making him more miserable than he already was. PTSD hit him full force and he was still having a hard time even climbing the small set of stairs to Chris’ apartment most of the time, let alone thinking about going inside a tall building or entering an elevator. The thought alone makes him tremble, he’d likely never be able to do that again. Crowded places are also out - all those people around him make Jensen extremely nervous. All he sees are hundreds of people rushing past him, over him, chaos in trying to get out of any open exit.

Jensen had felt that fear slam into him firsthand when Chris and Steve convinced him to go to a gig. He’d found himself surrounded by people and freaked out. It didn’t matter that there was no logical cause for alarm, his body had just gone into fight or flight mode. It wasn’t as bad as the day of the non interview, but Jensen’s brain betrayed him again and he felt sick, desperate to get out of there. His friends had taken a very shaky Jensen home, and when he found himself blessedly alone again he went straight to the kitchen where he grabbed the half empty bottle of whiskey, which served as company for the rest of the night.

If Jensen was honest with himself, he had been drinking way more than he should. He had paid a visit to the liquor store after that first night drinking away the whiskey his boss had gifted him with, leaving a big chunk of money there. He drinks when he’s alone, usually before going to bed. It helps him sleep better, not great, but better than he would if he was sober. Drinking ensures he doesn’t have as many nightmares and helps him forget, at least a bit and for a few moments his head and heart hurt a little less. When it started to take more alcohol to get to that level, he’d up his intake until he could feel the welcoming numbness again.

Recently he’d begun drinking during the day as well. Since he’s not working and has a lot of free time, it is too easy for those thoughts to creep in. He absolutely cannot deal with them, refuses to acknowledge them. He knows he should start looking for work again, it’s been six months, but honestly, Jensen can’t find the strength or will to do so. It’s so much easier to sit on his couch with his bottle of Jack planted right next to him. It’s so much better to let the whiskey drown his sorrows and wash away the pain than to remember the vibrant, confident, happy person he was and what he has lost.

He hasn’t gone back to therapy ever since the first time, and as much as Chris insisted that he should go, Jensen just can’t bring himself to do it. Jensen knows Chris feels that something is amiss, but he still hasn’t asked, and Jensen knows how to cover his tracks. So far, so good. There’s a small voice in the back of his head that tells Jensen his savings will run out soon, and he needs to seriously do something about it. A double dose of whiskey usually silences the nagging voice.

As a surprise, his brother Josh and his wife have come to New York to spend Jensen’s birthday with him. His apartment is full with them along with Chris and Steve. Jensen wasn’t in the mood for celebrations of any kind at all, but Chris was having none of it, especially after finding out Jensen’s brother was visiting.

Since Jensen has to go through the forced party of sorts, he has decided to go all the way, and he’s currently drinking anything available. Josh had bought beer, and Chris had brought some tequila for shots. His beloved bottle of Jack is on the counter where he has easy access to refills. Josh keeps trying to talk to him about what happened, and Jensen is adamant he isn’t going to discuss it. This is his birthday after all, and if he is going to be made to celebrate it, then by God he’s gonna do it his way.

*

The headache the next morning is massive. It’s like a truck ran over his head ten times. His body has gotten more used to the after effects of drinking, but last night he went over the top. He waits until his room stops spinning and manages to get up, unstable on his feet. After brushing his teeth and washing his face, Jensen walks towards the living room, seeing his brother in the kitchen. There is a coffee mug ready and waiting for him, which he promptly takes and sits down on the stool at the counter.

As he sips his coffee, his brother looks at him intently, and Jensen tries to ignore it as much as he can. He can feel Josh’s concern radiating from him and it already grates his nerves.

“Jensen…” Josh puts his own mug down on the counter and waits. Jensen can’t ignore him any longer so he lifts his gaze and looks back at him.

“How are you doing?”

Jensen scoffs. “I’m awesome.”

Josh raises an eyebrow at him. “Spare me the bullshit, Jensen, please. I know you. It takes one look at you to know you’re everything but awesome.”

Jensen gets up from the stool and walks to the window. “I’m really amazing, Josh,” he answers, looking outside, keeping his voice level. “I escaped an attack that killed more than two thousand people, didn’t I? Shouldn’t I feel awesome about that fact?”

Josh carefully approaches Jensen, still keeping his distance as to give Jensen space. “Jensen, I saw you last night, how much you had to drink. That’s not you at all. I’m just worried, I know you went through a lot and I want to help.”

Jensen turns around to face his brother, an exasperated look on his face. “I’ve told you I’m fine. It just takes a while to bounce back from something like that, but I’m here and alive. It’s all good, I just wanted to celebrate last night. Just let it go, please?”

He stalks past Josh into the bathroom, hoping there’s some Tylenol left, thereby ending the conversation. He can hear his brother sighing.

*

A few days later, Jensen is supposed to go to another interview in Queens that Chris set up for him from one of his contacts. That morning he’d fully intended to go take a shower and get dressed as the interview was just in a couple of hours.

Jensen’s nervous, especially because of what happened the last time he tried to go to an interview, even though Chris assured him he wouldn’t need to get in an elevator. So, before he goes to get ready, he finds his bottle of Jack and pours himself a dose to calm himself. It’s just one drink, it won’t do any harm. He still has plenty of time, he’s gonna be fine.

He hears someone knocking loudly, and Jensen doesn’t know what’s happened. He opens his eyes to see he’s lying on the couch. When he looks over at the window, he realizes it’s dark outside.

_Damn._

The knocking continues as Jensen struggles to get himself into a sitting position and struggles again to get up. He walks to the door feeling dizzy and when he opens it, he finds Chris has gotten home from work. His friend looks at him with a frown on his face.

“Hey Jenny, I thought I should stop by to see how the interview went. Everything okay?”

Jensen looks at Chris, he’s confused for a second and then he remembers. He missed it completely and Chris is gonna kill him. He turns around and walks back inside, leaving the door open. Seconds later he hears Chris’ footsteps following him.

“I… sorry Chris, I fell asleep and missed it. I was tired, maybe I can call them and see if they can reschedule it?”

He tries to look at Chris, but his friend’s gaze is on the almost empty bottle sitting on the coffee table.

“I see how tired you were, Jensen. I can’t believe you did this!”

Jensen sinks down on the couch, still too wasted to stay up for long. “It was only one drink Chris, to help calm down my nerves, that’s all!”

Chris walks towards Jensen, stopping in front of him.

“Bullshit. I know something has been up with you for a long time, you think you’re being successful at hiding it, but you aren’t. I mean, you smell like a liquor store. Josh talked to me, he’s worried about you!”

Jensen huffs. “So you two girls have been gossiping about me, that’s just great.”

Chris sits down next to him on the couch. “It’s not gossiping Jensen, it’s called being concerned. What you’re doing to yourself isn’t healthy, you’ve missed an interview today, you’ll run out of money sooner rather than later, if you don’t run out of a liver before that. You’re trying to kill yourself, is that it?”

“I…” Jensen tries to say something, but he suddenly can’t find his voice. His head is spinning, he feels too damn awful and there’s a lump in his throat. When he opens his mouth again, instead of words a sob comes out and suddenly his eyes are filled with tears that he can’t stop. He leans over and presses the heel of his hands against his eyes as he feels them burning.

A hand falls to his shoulder as Chris begs. “Jenny… please talk to me.”

It takes a while but Jensen eventually calms down enough to form some words between wracked sobs.

“I just… I feel so damn awful all the time, Chris. It’s been months, but I can’t feel better, I can’t feel happy that I’m alive. All I can think about all the time is that so many people died, everyone I worked with died there, and I can’t understand why I’m still here, why me. And then there’s Jared, who was only there to try and help people and look what happened to him! He was a hero and I’m nothing, I don’t deserve to be here, Chris. And my fucking stupid brain is working against me, I can’t even get inside an elevator, I can’t be around a lot of people, it all just takes me back to that damn day! Drinking is the only thing I found that helps numb the pain, just a little… so I can forget things for a while, so I can sleep. I just hate myself so much right now and I’m so sorry, Chris. You got me this interview and I failed you, I’m sorry.”

Jensen’s voice is a mere whisper by the time he’s finished. Chris wraps his arms around Jensen, allowing him to let it all out. It feels good to have said all of it out loud finally. Of course it’s not the end of his problems but he feels a little bit lighter.

“Jenny,” Chris starts when they pull apart, his friend keeping a firm hand on his shoulder, “We’re gonna get you help. There’s only so much we can do for you. You really need to go back to therapy, you should never have stopped. You’re dealing with some serious shit and nobody blames you, what you went through was terrible. But if this kind of behavior goes on you’ll only end up killing yourself and we can’t let that happen. You’re gonna be okay, we’re getting you help.”

*

Jensen goes back to therapy a week later and he spends a lot of time earnestly talking to his therapist. He leaves her office with an order to go to an AA meeting. He’s reluctant, having a lot of prejudices about it, but when he mentions that to Chris, his friend is very supportive.

“It’s gonna do you good, Jenny. You can’t keep drinking like this and I think it’s a good place to share what’s happening to you with others that have or are going through it as well. It’s another support system to get the help you need and find the strength to end this. By the way, I rescheduled that interview for Thursday. You need to be sober to go to it and to start working again if you get the job. You need money Jenny, and more importantly you need to get your life back on track. You’ll be fine, you’re strong and I know it.”

Jensen can only pray that his friend is right, he wishes he had the same faith in himself that Chris does. But he’s gonna try. He’ll try for himself, for all those people who died, for Jared. He owes them that, he needs to be okay.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9Dg-g7t2l4&)

__

 

_**Jared** _

Sometimes it feels like Jared can’t breathe - like he’s trapped inside his own body and everything seems so dark and suffocating. He’s been home for about a month and each passing day is worse than the last. More often than not, he doesn’t have the strength or will to get out of bed, he just can’t find a reason to. He’s not up for doing anything, honestly. He tries to put on a neutral face and pretend he’s dealing with it, but he’s very much avoiding reality. Jared feels trapped in a horrible nightmare, one that he can’t wake up from as much as he wants to.

He still needs help to do a lot of things. Learning how to adjust is a slow process and he detests being so dependent. Chad has taken some time off from work to stay with him for a while and Jared hates that he needs Chad’s help for so many things, hates that he has become such a burden for his friend, hates that he feels incapable most of the time. Chad never complains, in fact he goes out of his way to make sure Jared has what he needs. Still, Jared can’t help but resent it. He knows his friend means well, hell he has no idea where he would be now if it weren’t for Chad. Yet he can’t bring himself to truly thank him for everything, and he despises himself even more because of that.

Their other friends come by sometimes as well. They help with things and spend time with Jared. He tries as much as he can to plaster a smile on his face for them to pretend he’s getting better and he hopes they buy it. He doesn’t want to burden even more people with his crap. The only thing he wants, is for things to be the way they used to be. He wants to go out with his friends like old times: go to a bar and talk and drink for hours, go spend time in Manhattan walking around with Sandy, go to a baseball game with the guys - he loved baseball. He just misses being able to move normally, he feels trapped when he’s in his wheelchair. He misses the familiar routine of going for a run in the mornings before going to work. God, he misses work so damn much. He truly loved being a firefighter.

That’s probably one of the hardest parts for him if he thinks about it all too much. Not being able to do what he loves. The excitement and adrenaline of that life, not knowing how his day was gonna be, each one its own adventure. He enjoyed being on the truck with the guys, helping people, accepting grateful words, hugs and looks - knowing you made a real difference. It was hard more often than not when Jared would lose someone, but even death was a part of that life. Having all of that taken from him in an instant, it’s unimaginable. He’d give anything to work again. And it’s not even about his finances, he’s still getting paid and doesn’t need to worry about that fortunately. He really misses doing what he felt called to do with his own life, to contribute somehow in the world. He knows that choosing to be a firefighter sealed his fate, he wouldn’t be in this situation right now if he had chosen a different path, but he doesn’t regret his choice at all. He had saved many lives, he had made a difference to many, and that he will never lament. He just wishes things could have gone differently that day.

About a week after Jared had returned home he was alone in the living room sitting on the couch, channel surfing and not really paying attention to what was on the screen. Before he knew it, he was staring at an image he had never seen before, and if he could help it, he never would again.

The World Trade Center was on fire, dark clouds of smoke coming out of both towers. The scene changed to show them collapsing, one right after the other, and Jared couldn’t take his eyes off the screen. He had never seen the actual images from September 11th before, he had chosen not to. In the hospital and at the center, he had stayed away from the TV except to watch movies. He didn’t want to see footage, he didn’t want to know what really went on that day. Apparently, it was bound to catch up with him and more than five months later still wasn’t enough time for the subject to completely die from the news.

For a while Jared was hypnotized, watching scene after scene from that fateful day. People running desperately, even jumping from the buildings. The rubbled remains, the news reporter talking about all the people that were still buried underneath the destruction. All of a sudden, Jared felt queasy so he grabbed his wheelchair and transferred himself to it in record time, wheeling himself as fast he could to the bathroom, losing the few things he had managed to eat earlier.

Everything was just too horrible. Now he had vivid images of what had happened etched into his brain. His mind couldn’t turn off the replays of the buildings giving way as they crumpled and so many people being trapped there, so many people dying.

And one of them was Jensen. Jared wondered if his body was still lying there, if he had suffered. God, how he missed Jensen. He’d barely known the guy, but he wished things could have been different because he just _knew_ they had clicked. If Jared could have known what would happen the day after, he would have kissed Jensen harder, longer; he would have hugged him tighter. He would have told his morals to take a hike, so he could have taken Jensen to his apartment.

For the millionth time Jared wished he could change so many things. He felt like maybe he deserved what happened to him. For not doing nearly enough to save more people, for breaking his promise to Jensen. Maybe he should have tried harder. The pregnant lady could have waited a couple of minutes, right? Maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard to take Jensen out of the hole and Jared could have saved them both. Maybe this is the universe’s punishment for Jared, for his failure, because Jensen should have lived. And he can’t say he doesn’t deserve what happened to him. It actually makes even more sense the more he thinks about it. His injuries were all his own fault and because he didn’t do more, his body is paying the price for it.

One of the only things that makes Jared feel a bit better is listening to Green Day. He often stays in his room listening to his CDs, it helps keep his mind off things, at least for a while. The only song he doesn’t listen to is Good Riddance. Even though it’s his favorite song, it reminds him of Jensen and the last time he heard it was when they met at the bar. There’s too many memories so he always skips that track.

Jared barely leaves the house and often finds reasons not to if he’s managed to make it out of bed. He actually only leaves when he needs to go to the rehab center once a week. Chad drives him there in the morning and picks him up in the afternoon. Apart from that, he stays at home, hiding from curious eyes. He doesn’t feel like meeting people, interacting with them, having them look down at him or even ask him what happened. He feels self conscious about his body, about his wheelchair, it’s hard enough to have his friends visiting, he can’t stomach facing strangers and their judgement.

The only stranger he’s had to deal with often, apart from the ones he meets at the rehab center, is Danneel, the physical therapist that visits him three times a week to do exercises with him at home and try to help him adjust with his new life. Danneel seems like a nice girl, he thinks she’s pretty (probably even prettier if he was into that), she’s nice and always has a smile to give Jared, but he can’t bring himself to return it sincerely. He knows deep down he should be nicer to her and again he can’t make himself be anything but resentful. He loathes the reason she’s here and that he needs her, so everytime she’s with him, Jared just keeps his mouth shut as much as he can and lets her do her job. Danneel tries to engage him in conversation, but he’s almost always monosyllabic and she usually gives up, talking to Chad instead when he’s nearby.

Jared can see that Danneel’s mind sometimes drifts away when she’s working on Jared’s legs, she often gets a distant look on her face. Jared would ask about that except he doesn’t feel he has the right - not when he’s giving her the silent treatment himself. Plus, he can’t find it in him to really care like he would have before.

That’s another problem Jared faces, not caring about anything. It’s almost like something has shut down inside of him, the will to do things, to care. He’s become despondent. There are days when Jared doesn’t even change out of his PJ’s, others where he forgets to take a shower. He usually only eats when Chad tells him to and puts something in front of him. He’s lost his appetite and is never hungry anymore. Jared remembers when he used to be hungry all the time, eating like a horse and several times during the day. That’s all but disappeared, going downhill even more since Christmas. He’s lost a lot of weight and muscle mass ever since the accident and he still hasn’t had the courage to look at himself in a full length mirror. He’d banned those from their house. He only has one small mirror over his sink in the bathroom and he barely looks at himself more than he absolutely has to. He can’t stand the sight of his skinny body in a wheelchair with his nonfunctioning matchstick legs, he’s disgusted even thinking about the image of it. Nothing matters anymore and leaves Jared feeling empty, hollowed out.

He knows his friend worries about him. Chad tries everything he can to get Jared to cheer up a bit, to leave the house. Just the other day he had suggested they drive to Central Park to have a hot dog and chill for a while but Jared couldn’t even think about it. He didn’t want people to stare at him, he didn’t want to be out in the open, exposed and vulnerable to the world. So he declined Chad’s invitation, knowing it left him frustrated as usual, but Jared just couldn’t. He knows Chad is trying to get him to live and enjoy life again somehow but Jared just doesn’t have the power to do so.

*

It’s Saturday and Chad has been acting weird around Jared all morning. He has been back to work for a couple of weeks now, leaving Jared alone for most of the day except for when Danneel is with him. Jared would be lying if he said he isn’t scared of screwing it up. Chad is constantly checking up on him and Jared does everything in his power to not disturb his friend. He spends his days on the couch watching random stuff or playing Chad’s Nintendo. Or he stays in his bed. He’s out of his chair as much as he can be as he still feels uncomfortable when he’s in it. But he’s doing what he thinks he’s supposed to do - surviving - and that’s the most he can offer at the moment.

But now, Chad is acting weird.

“Just spill it, Murray.”

Chad stops dead in his tracks halfway to the living room. He’d been walking in circles around the house for a while now, biting the inside of his cheek and throwing Jared anxious looks. He looks at Jared with wide eyes, a deer caught in the headlights.

“What do you mean, Jaybird?” His reply ends with a nervous chuckle that gives him away.

Jared uses his arms to sit up straighter on the couch and gives Chad a pointed stare.

“I know you, okay? You want to tell me something and you’ve been weird all morning. Whatever you have to say, please just do it already, you’re driving me crazy.”

Chad sits down beside Jared on the couch and turns to his friend. “Look Jay, I know you’ll probably say no, but please hear me out.” Jared just lifts his eyebrows and waits. “The guys at the station are having a small celebration today, a tribute to the guys we lost, they’re gonna put up a plate. There will be some fighters from other stations as well. And also, Jeff wants to honor you, for your courage and all your work as a firefighter. And we all really want you to be there.”

Jared’s first reaction is to shake his head. No. He can’t. He’s barely even left the house ever since he came back and to go to a place full of people, where he used to love going every day? He just… can’t. “Chad, please… I can’t do this, I…”

Chad interrupts him before he can go on. “Please Jay. I know you haven’t really left the house and I won’t even try to understand how fucking hard this would be for you. But please come. The guys really want to see you, they miss you. They haven’t seen you ever since… well. We lost so many that day and you’re still here. We just want to celebrate that, I know it’s not going to be easy for you, celebrating in any way but you _are_ here. Maybe I’m not being the best friend in the world, but I’m trying, I just want to cheer you up a bit and…”

This time, it’s Jared who interrupts him, holding up a hand. “Whoa Chad, hold on! Please, don’t think that. My state of mind has nothing to do with how you are as a friend. You’ve done so much for me, not only are you my best friend, you’re doing your best and then some and none of this is your fault, okay?”

Jared knows Chad still feels guilty for Jared’s rescue and the fallout from it. Jared hasn’t said enough that it isn’t his fault, so he needs to keep doing it. And even though he really doesn’t feel like going out ever again, maybe Chad is right… they were his guys, they were a team. Jared doesn’t feel like people should honor him because he didn’t die - he didn’t even really do anything, he only got hit by a beam. But he could be there for the ones they lost. He just doesn’t feel comfortable being around other people or socializing. They wouldn’t judge him… right? God, he must be completely insane to consider this. And apparently, Chad reads his face like an open book.

“Come on Jaybird, they will love to see you!” There’s a half smile on Chad’s face, and Jared knows his friend has won this battle. Jared rolls his eyes as he reaches for his wheelchair.

“Fine, I’ll go change,” he mumbles as Chad punches the air and screams “ _YES!_ ”

After taking care of his bladder, Jared picks out his most mundane clothes, not really feeling like attracting even more attention than he already will. He goes for a navy blue long sleeve shirt and faded jeans. He hates putting shoes on, so he grabs the sneakers that are easier to wear. He quickly looks himself over in the bathroom mirror as he brushes his teeth, and God, he’s so different. There’s a short beard on his face because he doesn’t care about shaving most days, and he won’t do it now, it’s gonna work as a cover up. There’s still something missing though, Jared still feels too exposed somehow. He searches in a dresser drawer and finds his small beanie collection. He grabs a soft grey one and slides it on, instantly feeling a tad more relaxed. Jared wheels back to the living room where Chad is excitedly waiting.

“Ready to go?”

Jared swallows hard, nodding. He’s as ready as he’ll ever be.

*

Chad parks in the reserved lot at the fire station as Jared glances about nervously. He hasn’t been back ever since that fateful day and it brings back not so pleasant memories.

 _Last time I was here I could walk_ , his stupid brain reminds him. Yeah, that really helps. _Also, Jensen was alive_. His brain just won’t quit. He swallows hard again as Chad places a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s gonna be okay, Jay. They’re our buddies and they are very excited to see you again.”

Jared nods slowly and takes a deep breath, letting Chad quickly set up the wheelchair for him. As they approach the entrance of the station, Jared’s heart beats faster and faster. He’s gonna be around people again, he’s out of the safety of his house truly for the first time with nowhere to hide and he doesn’t feel good. Not that he will let Chad see it, he’s doing this more for his friend than for himself. He can do this. He can.

There’s a group of people gathered near where the trucks are parked and they all turn when they hear Chad and Jared approaching. Jared feels the bile rising in his throat, everyone is looking at him and he grabs his wheels tighter, trying to put on a brave face. Jeff and a few other firemen who were closest to Jared approach him, shaking his hand and clapping his back, saying it’s good to see him. Jared manages to put a smile on his face and nods at everyone, murmuring a soft ‘thanks’.

Jeff waits until the others are done and then he actually bends over to give Jared a hug. Jared is taken by surprise but hugs back with one hand, keeping the other on his wheel to keep him balanced and somehow grounded. For a second Jared is surprised that it’s already a reflex action for him. Before he can give it any more thought though, Jeff whispers in his ear, “I’m so glad to see you again, kiddo.”

His former captain stares into Jared’s eyes and holds his gaze. Jared can tell Jeff is sincere and can only nod in return, not trusting himself to say anything. Jeff motions for Jared to follow him to where the rest of the guys are waiting and again Jared wishes he could just disappear, or that he could at least make the wheelchair invisible. Being stared at like this really sucks more than he imagined.

Jeff introduces Jared to the firefighters that had joined their company to celebrate from other stations. “This is Jared Padalecki, one of our best men, who fought with all of us on September 11th, and I’m very grateful to have him here with us today.”

Jared dares to take a look around and sees all the men clapping, hearing bits of the nice things being said when suddenly Jared spots Justin. As their eyes meet Jared notices how different Justin looks at him now. It’s not with desire like he used to, but with a sad pity. He’s smiling at Jared, however it looks slightly condescending. Jared tenses up, any relaxation he’d begun to feel sliding away, his nausea returning full force and he knows it was a mistake coming here. He shouldn’t have let Chad convince him. He doesn’t belong here, he’s not one of them and this isn’t his life any longer. This isn’t a welcoming place anymore.

Jeff is giving a small speech about the firefighters in their battalion who died in action on 9/11. When he reveals the silver plate on the wall with their names Jared wishes more than anything in the world right now that his name was written there. What’s the point of being alive, of being here if he can’t get up from this damn wheelchair ever again? If he lost Jensen after breaking his promise to him? What is there left for him now? All he can see are a world full of people like Justin who look down at him feeling nothing but pity. He can’t work, he can’t date anymore. It’s game over and God how much he wishes his name was on that plate.

The captain is still talking, now about sacrifice and honor and he’s also talking about Jared. Jared is completely aware of all eyes on him, looking down on him, sorrow written all over their faces. They look at Jared like he’s broken, with sad eyes and unsaid apologies. Jeff is calling him a hero now, and Jared bristles - he is _not_ a fucking hero. He failed, he failed Jensen, he failed all those people that died, he failed himself. He’s nothing now, worthless and useless, surely everyone knows that. Dizziness hits him and his breath falters, he lowers his head and grabs it with both hands, squeezing his eyes shut. He can’t hear anything anymore, there’s a rushing in his ears and sound is muffled. He keeps trying to catch his breath and can’t, his desperation becoming more acute, feeling like his chest could explode at any moment.

Immediately he feels a hand squeezing his shoulder hard and Chad’s nervous voice in his ear.

“Jared, talk to me man, what’s happening?”

Between harsh breaths, Jared manages to let out a few shaky words. “Take me home. Please.”

Chad doesn’t need to be told twice as Jared feels his chair being promptly moved and a small breeze washes over him. When he dares to open his eyes they are already in the parking lot. His vision is still blurry on the edges, his breathing is erratic, but everyone else is gone and he’s relieved. Chad hustles Jared to the passenger side of his car and opens the door, fully ready to assist his friend inside. He’s surprised when Jared composes himself enough to transfer himself to the carseat without falling, and when Chad closes the door, he collapses against it. When Chad joins him inside the car after a few moments, he grabs Jared’s shoulder again.

“Jay, how are you feeling? Do you need to go somewhere?”

Jared shakes his head without opening his eyes since his lids feel impossibly heavy. “No Chad, just home, please. Let’s just go home.”

*

When Jared finally wheels inside their house, he lets out a huge breath. He’s finally out of sight again and feels safe. He takes off his beanie and places it on the arm of the couch as Chad cautiously approaches him.

“Jay man, I’m so sorry, I thought it was a good idea, I never thought, I shouldn’t have…”

“Chad, stop please.” Jared looks up at his friend, and he can see that his eyes are red from held back tears. Just great, look what he’s doing to Chad. His friend used to be so happy all the time, and now he’s miserable. Jared feels so fucking tired, of everything. “It’s not your fault. It’s on me, okay? I know you meant well, I just couldn’t handle it. Right now though, I could really use some alcohol. What do you say?”

Chad frowns. “Are you sure Jay? Aren’t you still on your meds?”

Jared sighs. “Yes. But right now, I don’t give a fuck. I’m not on anything at the moment, so please, go get whatever we have and let’s drink.”

Jared transfers to the couch while Chad goes to search out what they have on hand. When he comes back with a bottle of vodka, orange juice and two glasses, Jared’s smiles grimly.

*

It all goes pretty much downhill for Jared from that night on. What happened at the firestation was a hard hitting blow to him, and everything keeps growing darker in his mind. The temporary relief he’d felt when he shared a few drinks with Chad was more than welcomed and he finds himself constantly seeking it again. The alcohol makes things a tad more bearable by numbing the pain for a while and letting him forget he’s not whole. That seems to be the only thing he needs to get through.

The only times he actually leaves the house anymore is to go to the liquor store down the street so he can buy booze. He hates going out but he has to, he knows if he asks Chad to bring something for him his friend won’t like it - especially not every other day. So he puts his beanie on, some sunglasses and out he goes. The owner always gives him a weird look when Jared goes to pay for his alcohol, perhaps wondering why the hell a cripple drinks so much, but Jared is beyond the point of caring. Jared’s paying, so the guy has no right to give him any looks.

He usually drinks when he’s alone or just before getting into bed. He’s careful to hide most of the booze in his room, but he knows Chad is getting suspicious. They drink together sometimes, and Chad has asked more than once if there was something going on. Jared doesn’t want to burden his friend even more than he already does, so he always assures him he’s okay.

Drinking also helps some with the pain Jared has in his back, which bothers him more often than not. Sometimes the alcohol helps to ease it, sometimes the pain is strong enough that Jared has to take a higher dose of his medication so he can sleep through the whole night. On really bad nights, sometimes he combines both. Deep down he knows he shouldn’t, he just wants the pain to go away. Jared hates what he’s doing, he hates lying to Chad, he knows he’s abusing the alcohol, he just doesn’t have the will or desire to stop. It helps him forget the hell he is in, helps to keep his walls in place, and that’s all that Jared can ask for.

He just hates himself so much. He hates what has become of him, hates the face staring back at him when he looks in the mirror. He often thinks about what the doctor said to him, that they had lost Jared twice on the table. Jared wishes that they hadn’t been able to bring him back, he wants that so much it hurts. He constantly finds himself wishing his name was written on that damn silver plate so he didn’t have to go through this shit he is supposed to call a life. He has considered doing something to end his misery once and for all. Sometimes the will to do just that is stronger than anything. Then he thinks about Chad and what losing Jared would do to his friend. Chad, who’s always going out of his way to help, who feels guilty enough for the way he rescued Jared, who had gone above and beyond in finding them a new house and stood by his side all the time, doing everything he can for Jared. It would destroy his once so happy friend, and Jared can’t deal with that. He can’t take on any more guilt.

_Damn it, Chad._

It doesn’t mean Jared can’t and won’t take it out on other people, the main target being Danneel since he seldom sees anyone else. He’s constantly snapping at her, bitching about anything she says or doe. His behavior is growing worse and he would feel sorry for her if he cared, he knows he should since , and she’s only doing her job after all, but he doesn’t. She’s his current escape valve, and he can’t help it.

On a particularly dreadful day for Jared he snaps, having had enough of everything and he’s out of patience for Danneel’s exercises. His lower back is in agony and the pills he took aren’t helping near enough. He can’t wait for her to leave so he can take some more, maybe drink something as well.

“What’s going on with you today, Jared?” Danneel asks, clearly picking up on his (even bigger) broody mood.

Jared scoffs. “I’m just sick of it, Danneel. I don’t see the point of any of this. I just want everything to be over for good, I’m beyond tired of it all.”

Danneel puts down Jared’s leg and looks at him, standing up. “You know what Jared, I’m fucking tired of your mood, of you bitching at me all the damn time, of your attitude.”

Jared struggles to sit up on his bed, wincing when his back twinges in pain even more, staring at Danneel with fire in his eyes. “You’re tired? I’m _so_ sorry, it must be fucking hard to have a perfect life, being able to function normally on two feet, coming to work every other day on an invalid and then going back to your nice normal life. I can imagine this must suck so much for _you_. You can leave you know, if my bad mood and attitude affects your shiny happy vibe so fucking much.”

Danneel stays silent for a while, looking out the window. When she looks back at Jared, her eyes are suspiciously wet.

“You’re sick of it all? Well, me too! I can't take this - you - anymore, watching you slowly kill yourself day by day, willing yourself to die. I know you’ve been drinking, I can smell it in your breath almost everytime I come here and I can’t watch you keep that up anymore.” Danneel takes a deep breath, steadying herself before continuing. “Do you know why I wanted to come work with you, why I wanted to come help you specifically? It’s not just because I'm a professional and was randomly assigned to you. My dad died several months ago. Do you know where he was when he died Jared? He was in the fucking World Trade Center, when a goddamn plane hit it. He was trapped on the higher floors and couldn't get out. I don't even know how he died, if he was burned, choked from the smoke or if the plane hit him. I don't even have a body to bury, Jared.” Another deep breath and Jared can see a fire burning in her eyes right back at him, anger and frustration radiating out from her.

“And here _you_ are, _alive_ , you survived that fucking hell and you're throwing your gift of a life away! Do you have any idea how many people would give anything… my dad, he thoroughly loved his life. I don't even know what happened up there, how his last moments were. But I know that he would have given _anything_ to be in your shoes, Jared. Even if they were attached to wheels. And you don't give a fucking damn that you’re alive. I’m worn out and weary of this. I thought it would be an honor helping you to get better, a 9/11 survivor… but you're not even close to that. You’ve already given up on what thousands of people would give anything for. Goodbye, Jared.”

With that, Danneel grabs her purse and storms out of the house, leaving Jared completely speechless. He doesn’t want to think about what she just said, her words hit too close to home, to the truth he refuses to admit. He refuses to deal with that right now. His back is in anguish by this point and he just needs some fucking relief. From everything. With great effort, he reaches into his nightstand drawer and grabs his pills, taking twice the dose he’s supposed to, having not had a dose too long ago. Jared knows he’s going to need more than that, so he moves to his wheelchair to grab a full bottle and a glass from the stash he keeps in his dresser before going back to his bed.

A little more than half an hour later the alcohol bottle is completely empty. So is his bottle of pain pills. Jared didn’t mean for that to happen, all he wanted was for the pain to go away more quickly, he was just desperate for a way out of his suffering. He’s not sorry now though. His body is pleasantly numb all over as he falls back on the bed, sleepiness overtaking him as he lays down. His eyes won’t stay focused or opened, he lets slumber take him under without a fight.

Before complete oblivion takes over the last thought that crosses Jared’s mind is that he hopes he won’t wake again, that if he doesn’t, that Chad forgives him.

He hopes to see Jensen on the other side.


	9. Chapter 9

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_**Chad** _

Chad arrives home after a day of work and he’s dreading what he will find. Jared has been getting worse each passing day, more and more withdrawn, shutting Chad out more often than not, and it really hurts him to see his best friend like that. Jared used to be so full of life, he had a passion about everything, he was always smiling. Well okay, he was sad when Justin left him, but that was a piece of cake compared to now.

Ever since the doctor told him Jared was paralyzed, Chad knew things would never be the same again. Actually seeing it on a day to day basis, watching his friend transforming into a whole different person, watching all that light he once had leaving him, it’s been impossibly difficult. Chad wishes he could do something to really help, all his efforts feel futile and he can’t seem to reach Jared. Despite his friend telling him it’s not his fault he’s having a hard time trying to let go of the guilt he feels for rescuing Jared the way he did. He knows he didn’t have many options, but the feelings are stronger than him. Watching Jared struggle in a wheelchair is a constant reminder that his actions may have played a part in it. He just wishes he could do more.

And then, he had that stupid idea of taking Jared to the fire station. He knew it wouldn’t be all sunshine, but he didn’t see the breakdown and subsequent fallout coming. Chad didn’t know Justin would be there and when he saw him it was too late. It had crushed him to see Jared having a panic attack like that, and his heart ached for him. Ever since then, Jared’s behavior had grown worse and Chad was still left wondering what to do for him. Maybe he should try talking to him again.

He knows Jared has been bottling everything up, that he’s has never allowed himself to properly mourn what happened to him. He hasn’t seen Jared cry once ever since he got the news, at least when Chad was with him. But knowing his friend, Chad knows he hasn’t. Jared has always worn his heart on his sleeve and he doesn’t do that anymore. It’s another thing that’s changed in his friend that he misses greatly. Maybe Jared is afraid of opening himself up, letting it all out, making himself vulnerable. Chad wishes he could get Jared to vent somehow, it’s not healthy to keep it all inside. He’s afraid he’s gonna explode at any minute.

Chad unlocks the door and enters an empty living room. Danneel’s car was not in the driveway so she must have left not too long ago since she’s always there when Chad arrives. He thought he would find Jared on the couch by now, but it’s not totally unusual that he’s in his bedroom, especially lately. Chad goes to check on him, with the excuse that he just wants to say hi.

He knocks on the door twice. “Hey Jay, I’m home!”

There’s no answer, not even a grumpy ‘kay’ so maybe Jared is sleeping. Chad is half a second away from leaving Jared alone and going to get something to eat but something that he can’t explain makes him open the door to see Jared for himself.

When he looks over at Jared it seems like he is indeed sleeping. Right before Chad turns around to leave the bedroom though, something catches his eye. On the nightstand is an empty bottle of booze and an empty pill bottle lying on it’s side. Chad rushes to high alert in a second, hurrying to the side of the bed. Jared is too still. Chad places both hands on Jared’s face and he’s warm, but when he tries to feel for a pulse, it’s very weak and slow.

Panic quickly rises inside of Chad, he shakes Jared by the shoulders as firmly as he can. “JARED! JARED!”

There’s no answer and Chad is desperate, so he mentally apologizes to his friend before he slaps his face, and this time there’s fluttering behind his eyelids, so Chad shakes Jared again, harder, screaming his name.

Jared finally opens his eyes and he looks confused for a few moments until he fixates his glassy gaze at Chad. His mouth moves but nothing is spoken, he can’t vocalize. Chad doesn’t waste any more time, he doesn’t know how long it has been since Jared took the pills and the alcohol, but he needs to act fast.

Placing a firm arm behind Jared’s shoulders and the other under his knees, Chad quickly takes him to the bathroom, sitting him on the floor in front of the toilet. Then he places two fingers down Jared’s throat as deep as he can to trigger his gag reflex and it’s not long before his friend is throwing up in the toilet, a few pills making a reappearance amongst the mess. Chad holds Jared up as he pukes, at the same time managing to fish his phone out of his pocket, calling for an ambulance and telling them to hurry the fuck up.

When Jared is done, he collapses against Chad’s chest, not having the strength to keep himself seated. Jared looks up, his eyes red and tears streaming down his blotchy face. “Sorry, Chad.” His voice is a faint whisper, and Jared passes out again in Chad’s arms.

Chad’s eyes well up with tears as well. Did Jared really try to kill himself? Has it gotten that bad?

As the sound of sirens approaches, Chad hugs his friend and he lets his tears fall freely, thinking that he really almost lost Jared for good, promising that he will do anything not to let this happen again.

_**Jared** _

When Jared wakes up, it feels like he’s floating, and damn, he knows all too well what this means. He opens his eyes and everything is a bright, stark white, just great. He’s in a hospital again. What happened this time?

The first thing he notices is that he can breathe just fine and there’s not a tube down his throat, which is a positive thing. He assesses his body, everything seems okay apart from his legs which are still numb. So much for a miracle recovery. Then he takes a look around and notices he’s alone. There’s a button to call the nurse, but he’s not in any pain so he doesn’t. Instead, he forces his mind to think about the reason he’s here. It’s not hard actually; the more he thinks back the more he remembers having had a fight with Danneel. Then the memories of immense pain, finding his booze and emptying his medicine bottle to try and find some relief. God, what did he do? All he wanted was escape the pain for a while, why is he in the hospital?

As Jared is lost in his thoughts, Chad enters the room, bringing his wheelchair with him. Great, he certainly missed the damn thing _so_ much. Chad notices Jared is awake and gives him a strained smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Hey Jaybird, nice to see you’re awake.” Chad parks the chair on one side of the bed and sits down on the other. He doesn’t meet Jared’s eyes and suddenly Jared knows he screwed up royally. Chad has to be the one who found him unconscious, and suddenly he feels like the worst friend in the world.

“I’m sorry, Chad.” Jared tells his friend as he looks down at his hands.

Chad only shakes his head, finally looking at him. “No Jared, don’t apologize to me, please. Don’t do that.”

Jared looks up at his friend, taking in his tired face and tear-shiny eyes. “Look what I’m doing to you! I’m fucking up over and over and you don’t deserve to deal with all this crap.”

Chad rubs a hand over his face. “Jared, I’m not the one in a wheelchair man, I wasn’t told I’ll never walk again. I’m not the one going through this hell, so you don’t have to apologize to me. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. All I ever wanted to do is to help you and I can’t help but think how I’m failing you. I found you yesterday and I was so fucking terrified! For a few moments I thought you were dead, then I was able to make you puke some of the pills out but I can’t get the thought that you tried to kill yourself out of my mind. I just wish I knew what to do!”

Jared lays his head on the pillow and exhales. God, what a train wreck his life has become. “I wasn’t trying to do that Chad, despite what it may have seemed. I just wanted the pain to go away, at least for a bit. I had a huge fight with Danneel, my back was in agony and I got desperate. I’m sorry you had to find me like that. Thanks for saving my life again, by the way.”

Both of them stay silent for a long time and when Chad finally breaks it, it’s not what Jared expected to hear.

“You saved my life too, ya know.”

Jared frowns and turns to look at his friend. “What do you mean?”

“At the World Trade Center. If the beam hadn’t hit you, I would have gone back to the South Tower, and I would have been inside it when it collapsed. Instead, I had to get you out of there and I watched it happen from afar. I would have died that day if not for what happened to you. I’m not saying I appreciate what happened to you, not at all, I’m just stating a fact. So you saved my life without meaning to.”

Chad is silent again and Jared absorbs what his friend just said and it makes total sense. More than 300 firefighters died there, a lot of them were in the South Tower when it went down, and Chad could easily have been inside of it. Instead he was saving Jared. He thinks for a second of a scenario where the beam hadn’t hit him and he could walk just fine but Chad was gone. Despite everything, he doesn’t have to think too hard to realize which one he prefers. Becoming a paraplegic is so devastating he has no words to describe it, but losing Chad… It hits him then that he has no idea how he would be able to deal with it. So he’ll keep the wheelchair gladly if it means he gets to keep his best friend. Still, there’s a sad part of him that just wishes he could have been able to keep Jensen as well.

“I just wish I had been able to save another life that day as well.”

Chad frowns. “What are you talking about?”

Jared lets out a deep breath. As much as it hurts, it’s time to tell Chad about the one that got away.

“Remember that guy I met a day before the attack happened?”

Jared tells Chad in depth how he and Jensen met, how they’d bonded immediately, how he couldn’t stop thinking about him. He recounts the day of the attacks with Jensen calling him from the North Tower needing help. He describes how he found him amongst all the people fleeing the Towers but Jensen was trapped and made Jared save a pregnant woman instead. He shares how he couldn’t save Jensen because of his own injury, sorrow written on his face, the loss still fresh.

“Having lost Jensen like that hurts a lot more than being stuck in a wheelchair, believe it or not. I wouldn’t mind being in it so much if I had been able to save Jensen, it would have been a fine price to pay for having my soulmate here. And I really believe he was my soulmate. But losing both him and my legs all at once is just too much, Chad. It’s hard to hang on sometimes - what am I living for after all?”

Both stay quiet for a long time, Chad is biting the inside of his cheek as if thinking about what Jared has just told him. He lets out a deep breath before speaking again.

“Sorry about that Jay. I wish I had met him, I wish he was still here too.”

Jared just nods, he’s glad he finally talked about Jensen to someone, he feels a bit lighter. Talking like that has left him drained though and it’s not long before he falls asleep again.

*

When Jared wakes up again Dr. Kripke is in the room taking a look at his chart. He looks up when he notices Jared’s stirring. He asks how Jared’s feeling and sits down to tell him he’s had an overdose. He’s somber when he states that Chad managing to make Jared puke most of the pills made all the difference.

“That was a close one, Jared. And I’m very worried about you.”

Jared tells the doctor what he had already told Chad, he wasn’t actually trying to kill himself, he just wanted the pain to go away. Dr. Kripke seems to believe him however that’s not enough. He tells Jared a therapist will be by to talk to him, that he will be able to go home soon if he follows their instructions. That’s just great, he thinks, as if Jared’s life wasn’t peachy enough.

A few minutes after the doctor leaves the room, someone knocks on the door. When Jared tells whoever it is to come in, he’s surprised to see Danneel’s head in the doorway.

“Hey Jared, can I come in?”

She looks shy, as if she isn’t sure she should be here, and Jared tries to give her a smile but he’s still too embarrassed from what happened the last time he saw her. She timidly sits down on the chair next to the bed, pursing her lips.

“I… I wanted to see how you’re doing.”

“How did you know I was here?” Jared tries to sound like he’s not being rude, just curious.

Danneel shrugs. “Chad called me after they brought you in. He wanted to know if I knew what had happened and I told him we had an argument. I’m so sorry Jared, I shouldn’t have said those things to you.”

She’s crying openly now, and Jared can’t help but wonder when is he gonna stop hurting people? Maybe it’s possible to hate himself even more than he already does. He feels he should anyway. When he reaches out and gently touches her hand she squeezes his in return.

“It’s not your fault, Danneel. You were right about everything you said. So many people died that day, so many people wanted to live, and what do I do? Literally give up on my life. Guess my stupid brain is working against me.”

“No Jared, I had no right to say that, to invalidate your feelings. Your suffering isn’t less important just because other people died. You have the right to mourn what happened to you because it sure as hell isn’t easy. Anyone who’s not going through that can’t possibly understand. So I’m sorry, I really am. And I hope I can keep helping you in your recovery because I’d really like to. But you do need help Jared, more than your friends or I can give you. And it’s okay to ask for and get help, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Jared considers what she has said. He still thinks she was right when she unloaded on him that day. He’s been complaining when thousands of people had it so much worse - when so many died and he’s sure a lot of them would have traded places with Jared in an instant. The funny thing is, Jared would have traded places with them too. He has no idea what to say or how to respond so he says the only thing that comes to his mind.

“I’m sorry about your father. I promise I’m gonna try and be a better patient, and I’ll try to get help.”

Danneel smiles through her tears. “Thanks. He was a great man. And how about instead of being just a patient, you become my friend? I bet you’d made a great one if you stop bitching at me all the time.”

Jared actually laughs a little at that, nodding in agreement. He isn’t sure he can be good friend material right now, but he’s willing to give it a try. He’s too tired of hurting people.

*

Two days later Jared is released from the hospital under strict conditions. He had been evaluated by therapist who prescribed him mandatory sessions with her once a week, and AA meetings twice a week. The AA meetings are the part he’s dreading the most to be honest. He had tried to argue with Dr. Ferris on that one, claiming he’s not an alcoholic, that he was just trying to ease the pain and overdid but she wouldn’t listen. She told him he has to follow her orders, otherwise he may be admitted to the psychiatric ward as he has been deemed a threat to himself.

Jared _really_ doesn’t want that on top of everything else so he sulkily agrees. He’s not anxious about the meeting itself, but having to be around other people. He’s terrified of all the eyes focused on him, people wondering how the hell he ended up being an alcoholic, how he became a cripple. As Chad drives him home from the hospital, Jared wonders how he’s gonna deal and not have another panic attack like he did at the fire station. He’s so fucked.

*

A week later, Jared is in anxiety mode. He’s supposed to go to his first AA meeting today, but he feels like puking instead. He has had his first session with Dr. Ferris, where she stressed that he must attend the meeting and that his attendance would be checked. There is no way out of this one and he doesn’t know what to do since he can’t hide. He’s about to face a group of complete strangers; he knows he’s gonna be stared at if not flat out asked why he’s in the chair and his stomach is in knots.

He’s waiting in the living room for Chad to get ready as _Dookie_ plays on the stereo. Only Green Day can calm his nerves right now, at least a little bit. Dr. Ferris had recommended him to an AA group that meets a few blocks away from where he lives and he had asked Chad to drive him. It’s not far but he doesn’t want to be seen by more people than he absolutely has to. He also asked Chad to go inside with him, at least so he can get situated. It might seem like he’s a big baby asking for his mom to walk him to the first day of school, but he doesn’t mind, not right now. He needs the support and he asked, positive steps he reminds himself.

When Chad arrives in the living room, he gives Jared an encouraging smile. “Ready to go Jaybird?”

Jared puts his ever present beanie on as far down as it will go, the invisible net of comfort settling over him and turns off the radio, shrugging, “As I’ll ever be.”

_**Jensen** _

Jensen arrives early and he’s the only one here for the moment so he takes his time to prepare a fresh pot of coffee. Strong black coffee is what helps him the most in these meetings. As he watches the coffeemaker drip he thinks about the past two months when he first started attending AA. Starting was the most difficult part, at the time he wasn’t sure it would be of much help but it turns out Chris was right, it has been good for him.

It took Jensen a couple weeks to open up and share. His first several meetings he would just sit and listen to other people’s stories and they respected his silence. It was around the fourth meeting that he finally gathered the courage, realizing these people wouldn’t judge him, that they knew how he was feeling, that they could relate on some level. They shared his burden. He had told them he was a 9/11 survivor and that he’s not dealing well with it. He spoke about his survivor’s guilt and his PTSD. The only part he left out of it was Jared - he didn’t feel like sharing him with anyone, Jared was his precious secret, his haven. It was for Jared’s memory that he kept strong and for the past two months he didn’t put a single drop of alcohol in his mouth. He hopes Jared is looking down at him, that he’s proud.

The process of drying out, of healing from the inside out is not easy at all. It’s quite exhausting taking on both physical withdrawal from the drinking and the emotional anguish of facing your inner demons. The guilt still eats him alive and there are frequent times when Jensen wants nothing more than to go drown himself in a nice bottle of Jack to stop the pain. He doesn’t. And he doesn’t ever go it alone - Chris is usually there to keep him from succumbing or talk him down, Jensen is grateful he has a friend like him. He often still has trouble sleeping, he’s plagued with nightmares and he feels drained more often than not.

The bright side is that he finally is working again. As it turns out, Chris’ friend was willing to reschedule the interview once Chris contacted him. Jensen didn’t hide anything when he went to the interview and told them exactly why he had missed the first one, also making sure they knew he was getting help for both the drinking and his PTSD. If they wanted to hire Jensen, he didn’t want to keep any secrets. Jason, Chris’ friend and owner of the law firm, appreciated Jensen’s open honesty and expressed how sorry he was that Jensen had gone through what he did. He offered Jensen the job on the spot. It wasn’t as big a firm as the one he worked for before but it was exactly what Jensen needed. The office was based out of a remodeled house, not a building which meant no elevators or stairs, which was a miracle. The money wasn’t the same either however Jensen didn’t complain at all. Starting small was good and it was the perfect opportunity. Being busy again helped keep his mind off wandering thoughts, another plus. Baby steps, as Chris would say. Jensen was slowly learning to live one day at a time and finally managing to keep his head above water, instead of constantly feeling like he was drowning, the way he used to.

Jensen is brought back to the present with a soft knock on the door, which he’d left closed for no apparent reason. He frowns but makes no move to open it as members usually let themselves in, there’s no need to knock. When the person knocks again a bit harder Jensen sets down his empty mug - he was just waiting for the coffee to be ready - and walks towards it. When he opens the door he’s met by a blonde dude who gives him a nervous stare.

“Hey… is the AA meeting here?”

Jensen nods affirmatively, offering the guy an encouraging smile in return. He knows how important it is to feel welcomed in a moment like this. “Yep, it’s right here, we’re starting soon!”

“Good.” Blonde dude gives a small smile. “I’m Chad, but I’m actually here for my buddy, he was kinda nervous so he asked me to come with him.”

Chad makes a motion with his head and when Jensen looks behind Chad, he can see a guy sitting in a wheelchair a few feet away from them. The guy is half turned to the door that leads to the street and has a beanie jammed deep down on his head. Jensen can’t see his face, but he can see his posture; he has one hand gripping the wheel of his chair so hard his knuckles are white. He’s hunched over a bit, the other hand squeezing his knee and Jensen instantly knows the man is indeed very nervous. It’s hard not to be for anyone’s first few times but perhaps especially in this man’s case. Jensen figures he must feel constantly on display being in a wheelchair and all, and in the meeting he’s gonna be even more on display. Jensen can’t blame him one bit for bringing a friend for comfort. He briefly wonders if the reason beanie dude ended up in the chair is the same one that brought him to an AA meeting.

Jensen turns back to Chad and smiles again. “Your buddy is very welcome here, I can promise he’s gonna be amongst friends who can be of great help.”

At that, Chad nods, and turns to beanie dude. “See Jaybird, nothing to be afraid of. Stop being a grumpy old man and get your ass over here already to introduce yourself properly!”

Nothing in this life or beyond could have prepared Jensen for what happens next. When the guy slowly spins his chair around and looks right at Jensen it’s like time stops, as all air leaves his lungs.

There, sitting in a wheelchair, wearing a grey beanie that covers almost half of his face which now also sports a half grown beard, are the kind hazel eyes exactly as Jensen remembers them. Jensen would recognize the man even in another life. His heart stops beating as he looks at the person in front of him, it’s impossible. His mouth opens and closes a couple times when no voice comes out. Jensen looks at the man who’s staring back at him just as incredulously as he is. He forces his voice to speak and when it does, it’s almost a reverent whisper, as if he’s saying a prayer.

“Jared?”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99j0zLuNhi8&)

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_**Jensen** _

Jensen has to hold onto the doorframe to keep himself upright because his knees are about to give out. He blinks hard a few times, assuming Jared is a figment of his imagination that will disappear at any minute, but he doesn’t.

Instead, he finally opens his mouth and speaks with the same hushed voice Jensen had used.

“Jensen?” Jared looks frozen to the spot, his face going pale as if he’s seeing a ghost and Jensen thinks he must about look the same, this is simply too fantastic to be true, it can’t be. From the corner of his eye he can see Chad looking from Jared back to him, asking ‘ _That’s Jensen?’,_ but neither pay attention to him. There’s a single looping thought in Jensen’s mind right now, one that he wished for every night but never thought could happen.

_Jared is alive._

Jensen needs to make sure that Jared is actually here and alive in front of him, that this isn’t a vision. He forces his legs to work as he slowly walks the few feet that separate himself from Jared.

Jared stays where he is, both hands now gripping the wheels on the chair, a deep frown on his face as if he too isn’t sure what he’s looking at is real. Jensen stops in front of him and drops to his knees on the floor, reaching out with his hands but he’s afraid to touch, to realize it’s only a dream. He takes a closer look at Jared’s face and Jensen can see him swallowing hard as his own throat closes from held back sobs, tears springing up in his eyes.

Tentatively, he places both hands very gently on Jared’s shoulders and oh! He’s very solid, he’s very real. Jared lifts his hands from the wheels, leaning forward slightly to grab Jensen’s biceps, squeezing them, also trying to reassure himself it’s not a dream. Jared’s eyes fill with tears of his own as he moves his hands up and down Jensen’s arms, trying to get a good look at him.

“You’re alive.” Jared’s voice is a faint murmur and that’s enough to make Jensen’s own tears fall down his face. He’s almost convinced this isn’t a dream, but if it is, he surely doesn’t want to wake up ever again.

Jensen moves his body to the side of Jared’s chair so he can get closer to him, finally pulling Jared towards him as much as he can and wrapping his arms around the man he thought was gone forever. Jared hugs him back just as tight and they cry as they cling to each other, Jensen whispering ‘ _you’re here’_ over and over again. He buries his face in Jared’s neck and cries even harder, everything he wished for so much, that he begged for, finally has come true. Jared is here, he’s survived. _Jared’s alive!_

After a couple minutes they finally break apart, Jared’s face and eyes are red, Jensen is sure he looks the same or worse. He keeps his hands on Jared’s shoulders, unable to stop touching him.

“I can’t believe this, I thought…” His voice is shot from all the emotion as he takes another good look at Jared. Through the amazement that he feels knowing that Jared is actually here before him, a thought penetrates his mind, something that’s only really registering now that the initial shock of seeing him is over. Jared is in a wheelchair. Jensen looks down at Jared’s unmoving legs and back at his face, the question on the tip of his tongue. Before he can ask anything, Jared realizes what’s coming and his whole posture changes.

Jared withdraws his hands from Jensen and shuts down completely. He looks down at himself, understanding washing through him that Jensen realizes what he’s sitting on. Jared grabs his wheels again and slowly backs away from Jensen, refusing to meet his eyes. Instead, he looks at Chad with a pleading face.

“Chad, I… we need to go, please, let’s go home.”

Jensen shakes his head, completely confused by the sudden change in Jared and tries to reach out for him again, missing as Jared wheels backwards and away from him.

“Sorry J--Jensen, I can’t… I…” Jared’s voice is quiet but shaky as he looks briefly at Jensen’s face before looking down again. “I can’t, I’m sorry, I need to go now.”

Without waiting for Chad, Jared spins his chair around and heads out of the building down the small ramp at the entrance, his friend following him after sparing Jensen an apologetic look. Jensen is rooted to the spot as he watches Jared open the door of a car parked almost in front of the building before quickly transferring himself from the wheelchair to the car. He gapes at Chad stowing the chair safely in the trunk, then stares while they drive away. When Jensen finally feels like he can move again, the car is halfway down the street, quickly making a turn and disappearing from sight.

_What the hell just happened?_

Other members for the meeting begin to arrive, they say hello to Jensen and try to ask what’s going on, but he’s shell-shocked. He still can’t believe what has happened, that Jared was there - his dream come true - and just as quickly gone. Suddenly, Jensen knows he can’t stay, he needs to go after him. He apologizes to everyone before he hurries to his car and leaves, taking the same path as Jared’s car. He’s glad he drove today instead of walking like he usually does since he’d had to run some errands before the meeting. Jensen drives aimlessly for a while, trying to find the car again or a glimpse of Jared somewhere, but there’s nothing.

Jensen finally gives up and drives back to his apartment, when he gets inside, he’s unsure of what to do. His feet take him to his bedroom and he sits on his bed, picking up the rosary from his nightstand. He stares at it for a long time, thinking about all the times he held it, wishing Jared hadn’t died, how it was so unfair. And now, his world has turned upside down once again.

Jared is alive, he survived the attack somehow. And for some unknown reason he’s now bound to a wheelchair. Jensen wonders if it has something to do with the attack. Thinking on it, he knows it has to be that. God, what did Jared have to face that day that left him unable to walk? Is he paralyzed or is it something else? Is it temporary or permanent? Then it hits him that Jared meant to attend that AA meeting, meaning he’s been having trouble with drinking too, just like Jensen. His heart aches, wondering just what Jared must have been through these past months.

And Jared ran away from him. Or rolled away, whatever. Jensen wonders why he did that, did he feel self-conscious? As if Jensen would let a something like a wheelchair bother him when he just found out that Jared was indeed alive. God, he wishes Jared had stayed, he has so much to say to him! And now, he has no idea where to find him. Perhaps he will be back for another meeting but Jensen knows that’s unlikely, especially with the way Jared left after seeing Jensen. No, Jared won’t be back and Jensen knows it. He needs to find a way to get to him, and he has no idea how.

It hits him quickly, the need deep in his bones to get a drink to deal with the last few hours, his mind going a mile a minute, his heart beating erratically. His body is on overload and he doesn’t know if he can handle it. He wants to be strong though, he had made a promise to Jared that he would be strong for him. And now that Jared is alive, he needs to keep this promise, more than ever. A miracle happened today, something he never ever thought possible, and he will not waste it.

He doesn’t think he handle it alone though, so he picks up his phone and calls Chris, asking his friend to come over, please, yes, it’s an emergency.

A few minutes later, Jensen hears Chris opening his door. He had given him a key after he came home from the hospital, sensing it could be of use. He doesn’t move as Chris makes his way to the bedroom and stops at the door frame.

“What happened Jensen?”

Jensen can hear the deep worry in his friend’s voice, and he answers him without taking his eyes off the rosary in his hands.

“I’ve found Jared.”

*

Two days later, Jensen’s anxiousness has ramped up. He hasn’t been able to sleep well for the past two nights, restless with thoughts of knowing that Jared is out there and he has no idea where. There’s another AA meeting tomorrow. Jensen knows for a fact Jared won’t be there, not after how he freaked out after seeing Jensen at the last one. There’s a growing urge he can’t contain, Jensen needs to see Jared, he needs to find him. After coming home and telling Chris what had happened, his friend kept him company and made him dinner, preventing him from going to the nearest liquor store to find a little help coping.

Chris had promised him he would help Jensen find Jared. Jensen just doesn’t know where to start. He thinks back to the events of that day, back to when he first met Jared, trying to find something that could help.

It hits him all of a sudden and Jensen thinks he’s too stupid not having realized it sooner, he knows exactly how to find Jared: through Chad.

Back at the bar where they’d first met, Jared had told him how he was a firefighter along with his friend Chad. The Chad who went with him to the AA meeting was obviously the same one. Jensen knows where Jared used to work as well - he’d there with Chris when he’d tried to find out what happened to Jared before he chickened out. If he forces his mind really hard, he actually remembers seeing a guy who looked like Chad there that day. That’s his chance of finding Jared, he can feel it, he needs to go back to Manhattan. Jensen is supposed to do some work from home today since he’s not needed in the office thankfully, so he can steal a couple of hours to go try and find Chad. He hopes luck is on his side and that Chad is actually working today.

Jensen drives to the island and keeps his mind focused on Jared. He still doesn’t like going into the area that much, it makes him uneasy to be so close to the place where it all went down (literally), but he sucks it up and thinks it’s for a good cause, the best cause.

After finding a parking garage Jensen finds himself in front of the fire station, at the same place he had sat with Chris months ago. He decides to wait for a while, if Chad doesn’t show up then he’ll go inside to ask for him. The universe must be on his side though, because not even fifteen minutes later, Jensen spots Chad coming out of the station, crossing the street alone.

Jensen takes a deep breath and gets up from where he has been sitting, walking towards Chad. The guy sees him when he gets to the sidewalk, and his eyes widen when he recognizes Jensen.

“Hey Chad.” Jensen waves at him timidly, giving the man a small smile.

Chad frowns. “Hey… Jensen, right?”

“Yes.” Jensen nods. “Sorry to bother you like this, but I really need to talk to you.”

Chad studies him for a moment before nodding in return. “I’m gonna assume the obvious here that this is about Jared.”

“Well, I guess it’s pretty obvious indeed.” Jensen agrees.

“Fine. But I only have a half hour lunch break and I’m starving, you mind joining me?”

Jensen hasn’t eaten yet himself, so he agrees and both of them walk to a Subway nearby. Once they have their subs, they find a table and sit down to talk. Jensen unwraps his sandwich as he tries to find the words to start.

“So… do you know who I am? I mean, how Jared and I met?”

Chad nods while taking a bite of his own sandwich. “Yes. Jay told me about you a few days before you guys saw each other at the AA meeting.”

Jensen stares at his sandwich, still finding it hard to believe Jared is actually here.

“I thought he was dead, you know. He didn’t come back for me and so many firefighters died that day, I just assumed the worst. It was so fucking hard, probably the worst part of dealing with it all for me. I’m not the poster child for coping with surviving 9/11, well, I wouldn’t be attending AA meetings if I was, and I would think about him everyday. How unfair it was that Jared had to die that day, how he died a hero, only trying to save people. That thought haunted me every single day. Then two days ago I learn that I got it wrong all along, Jared was alive and my world has turned upside down. Again.”

Jensen finally starts eating as Chad looks at him. “He thought you were dead too. This whole nightmare has been very hard on him as well.”

Jensen imagines Jared going through all of the same things Jensen did and how ironic it is that both of them thought the other had died. If only they knew how close they had been to each other. Jensen can’t stop thinking of all that Jared had to go through and still is, the thoughts make his heart throb in sorrow.

He puts his half-eaten sandwich down and looks at Chad. “What happened to him, Chad? Why is he in a wheelchair now?”

Chad wipes at his mouth with a napkin before giving Jensen a serious and leveled gaze. “I can’t tell you that, Jensen. It’s not my story to tell, it’s Jared’s. He’s the one who can tell you, if he wants to.”

“Well the thing is, I don’t know where to find him, Chad. That’s why I came all the way to talk to you. You’re the only person who can tell me where Jared is, can you please help me?”

Chad finishes his sandwich and studies Jensen for a long time before answering rather brusquely. “You’ve spent only one night with Jared - barely hours, apart from the chaos of the day of the attack and you hardly know him. What do you want with Jared?”

Jensen is taken aback by Chad’s bluntness but before he can give him a snarky reply, Jensen sees in Chad’s eyes the same thing he sees in Chris’ when he looks at Jensen: protectiveness. Chad is not being exactly rude, he’s protecting Jared and after seeing Jared that day with how Jared reacted, Jensen can’t blame him. He is a stranger to Chad and practically one to Jared. Instead, he admires Chad for his loyalty towards his friend. Jensen leans forward, hoping he can get his point across and get Chad to trust him a tiny bit.

“I just want to get to know him. When we first met that day at the bar, I felt an instant connection. Jared was bummed because his boyfriend had dumped him and I got stood up by a blind date, we were just drawn to each other. And amazingly I think I fell for him a bit that night, he was so awesome and full of life, how could I not? The next day all hell broke loose and in all that chaos Jared found me. He wanted to save me but I made him save the pregnant woman I’d been trying to help instead. At that moment, before he left with her, I felt so connected to him. All I wanted was for both of us to make it out of there alive so we could get to know each other more. You know the rest. Since finding out he’s alive, it feels like I was given another chance to get to know him better. I know it sounds crazy but I’ve missed him so much.”

Chad licks his lips and considers what Jensen has said before giving him a sad look. “Look Jensen, what you’re saying sounds awesome and I’m all for you guys reconnecting. I could see in Jared’s eyes how much you meant to him, even though you didn’t have much time together. But what you need to understand now is that Jared is not the same guy you met that day. A lot has happened to him on many levels and he has changed considerably. The obvious being that he’s in a wheelchair now, but there’s so much more. You need to know that the Jared you met two days ago at AA is a different person. He’s not that guy who was full of life that you started falling for, he has suffered tremendously. And I don’t want you to go after him and then decide you want out to go back to your own life, leaving Jared even more broken than he is. My friend already has more than enough on his plate.”

“I’m not the same person either, Chad. The Jensen that Jared met has changed too, that spark of life dimmed. I know I can’t compare myself to him, I can’t even imagine how he has suffered. But it hasn’t been easy for me either, my head is all screwed up and I’ll never be the same person I once was. I’m not about to give up on Jared because things might be difficult. I just need to have him back in my life now that I know he’s still here. I _want_ him back in my life. I want to get to know the new Jared, I want the chance we might have and still could have.”

Jensen’s eyes feel moist but he doesn’t care one bit. He’s gonna beg if he has to, he needs to convince Chad to bring him to Jared.

Chad stays quiet for a long time, just looking at Jensen, absorbing everything that he said and forming his opinion on him. Finally, he reaches for a napkin and takes a pen out of his pocket, quickly scribbling something on it before handing it to Jensen.

“This is our address. I know there’s another AA meeting tomorrow and Jared has said he won’t go. But he has to go Jensen, I won’t get into details, but his therapist demanded he go or there would be other consequences. I’m trying to persuade him and he hasn’t caved yet. I’m out of ideas. Perhaps you could stop by and try to convince him? I won’t be home tomorrow night, I’ve gotta cover a shift so I won’t be there to try and get him to go at the last minute. I’m absolutely positive Jared won’t attend the meeting if I’m not there with him for reassurance. He won’t go by himself and he has already missed the first one.”

Jensen takes the napkin and looks at the address, it’s not very far from where he lives himself, just a few blocks away. Wow, he’s been so close to Jared all this time and had no idea. He nods at Chad and gives the man a grateful smile.

“I’ll be there and find a way to convince him to come with me. I really appreciate your help and trust, I won’t fail, I promise.”

Chad finally smiles back, letting the tension in his body bleed out in hope. “I’m counting on you, Jensen. Something tells me that maybe you’re exactly what Jared needs to start living again. Because let me tell you Jensen, he’s not. Jared’s not dealing with what happened to him and I’m very worried. Nothing I seem to do helps beyond keeping him functioning at the most basic level, like a shell of a person. Perhaps you can get through him. I won’t tell him you came to me or that you’ll be at our home because I know his reaction will be to shut down.”

Both of them get up as Chad has to head back to the station and Jensen needs to get home to finish his own workday. Before parting ways, Jensen shakes Chad’s hand.

“Thanks Chad, you have no idea how thankful I am for your help.”

Chad grips Jensen’s hand a bit tighter than he should as he looks right into his eyes. “Just don’t make me regret trusting you.”

He lets go of Jensen’s hand, who nods once, without breaking eye contact. “I would never.”

_**Jared** _

Jared is self-hating even more than usual. He is supposed to be leaving for the AA meeting in about an hour, but there’s no way he can go, there just isn’t. He has another therapy session on Monday and he has no idea what he’s gonna say to Dr. Ferris. Perhaps she can find him another group meeting for him to attend, he can explain the reason why to her, she would understand.

Ever since his world turned upside down again three days ago, Jared has been on edge. He’d been anxious about going to the meeting to begin with and had asked Chad to go knock on the door for him, to help make introductions. Yes, Jared knew he was being a coward, so what. He barely heard Chad talking to someone at the door and then his friend was asking him to come over. When Jared turned around, everything changed.

Jared had thought he was hallucinating because the person he was seeing in front of him couldn’t be there. Jensen himself, who he had believed to be dead for months, was staring back at him, and that just couldn’t be. Jared knew then he had finally lost it.

The vision had walked to him and kneeled in front of him, leaving Jared feeling hypnotized. Perhaps he _had_ really died when he took all those pills, everything that had happened ever since was just an odd afterlife. After all, he had wished he could find Jensen again so maybe this was it. Sadly he had also hoped he would be able to walk in the afterlife, but this was his punishment, he guessed.

Then Jensen had reached out and touched him, a solid physical touch, not like any dream Jared could remember having. Jared had lifted his hands from where he had been gripping his wheels without even noticing it and touched Jensen back. His skin had been warm under his palm, that was life, it was real. That’s when it hit him in a rush - this was no dream. Jensen was really alive and he was there in front of Jared. He ran his hands over Jensen’s arms, not able to stop his eyes welling up with tears. Jared had a bad habit of not allowing himself to cry, instead bottling up all his emotions to avoid feeling and additional pain. His heart overrode his mind because _Jensen_ was actually in front of him and Jared found himself unable to fight it anymore, tears free flowing.

Jensen had hugged him tight and Jared had clung back as if he was holding onto a lifesaver. It was like he could finally breathe again after a long time of being suffocated. The whole thing was impossible, a crazy dream come true but Jensen was in his arms and Jared couldn’t even begin to start processing it. The moment was too good to be true and when they finally broke apart, Jensen looked at him, really looked at him. Everything changed in an instant. Jensen had finally seen what Jared had become, he had seen the wheelchair and the spell was broken. Self-consciousness kicked in hard, he didn’t want Jensen to see him like this, what was left of him. He only knew he had to escape from there and can’t really recall how he got inside the car or the drive home. Jared had locked himself in his room until the next day, trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Jensen was alive. Jared had wished so much for this, and now… he had no idea what to do.

One thing was certain though: Jared didn’t want Jensen to look at him like this, he didn’t want to see that horrible look on his face, the same one he saw on Justin’s. He wanted to remember the Jensen from the day they first met, the Jensen who looked at Jared like he wanted to get to know him more, the one who wanted him, who had kissed him. He couldn’t stomach Jensen looking at him with pity, therefore he needed to stay away. Jared wouldn’t go back to those meetings, he was gonna have to work something out, but he wasn’t going back to that place, that was for sure. Chad had tried to argue with him on that, telling him to go and see Jensen again, to talk to him but Jared refused. He knew now that Jensen was alive and that was enough for him. Jared had still failed him, adding another reason why he couldn’t face Jensen. Somehow he had found a way to make it out of the building alive that day and that was the most important thing.

Jared is currently alone in the house since Chad left to go cover a shift. He’s in the living room and _Smoothed Out Slappy Hours_ is playing on low volume on the stereo. He’s trying not to think about the meeting he’s about to miss when the doorbell rings. Jared frowns, he sure as hell isn’t expecting anyone. Did one of his friends decide to stop by without warning him? Or did Chad forget his keys? Well, Jared hadn’t heard his car so it probably isn't him. He wheels himself to the door hoping it isn't someone selling bibles or something.

When Jared opens the door and looks up at his visitor, his jaw drops in shock.

“Jensen?”

Jensen is standing at the doorstep, looking down at Jared with a timid smile. He rubs the back of his neck before giving Jared a small wave.

“Hey Jared.”


	11. Chapter 11

__

 

_**Jared** _

Jared tries to recover from the shock of seeing Jensen at his house, shaking his head and furrowing his brow as he takes in the man standing in his doorway.

“W--what are you doing here?”

Jensen shrugs, looking very shy and unsure. “I just wanted to see if you’d like to go to the AA meeting with me.”

For a split second Jared finds Jensen adorable with his shyness and his invitation, but that fades quickly in light of the situation.

“How did you know where I live?”

Jensen nervously looks down both sides of the street before fixing his eyes on Jared again. “Do you mind if I come in?”

Jared wants to say no, he doesn’t want to see Jensen. Actually, he doesn’t want Jensen to see him but he can understand the anxious look on Jensen’s face from standing awkwardly on the doorstep. He grabs the rims of his wheels and moves backwards, making room for Jensen to step inside. Jensen enters the living room and closes the door behind him, looking completely lost. Jared wheels further inside the living room before turning around to face Jensen again, who now stands before him with his hands buried deep inside his pockets.

“So?” Jared arches an eyebrow and looks up at Jensen, waiting for an answer of how he found him. Jared suddenly hates that he needs to look up to talk to Jensen, he actually hates when he has to do this with anyone but with Jensen, it somehow feels even worse. Jensen apparently doesn’t feel comfortable looking down at Jared either so he moves to the couch and sits down on the arm. Now he is eye level with Jared, who silently appreciates the gesture immensely and it makes him feel a bit more at ease.

“I…” Jensen starts, looking down for a moment before focusing on Jared. “Don’t be mad please, but it was actually Chad who told me where to find you.”

Jared opens his mouth to ask where the hell Jensen found Chad, but he beats him to it.

“I searched for him. I’m sorry Jared, I just had to see you again, I was desperate and I knew you wouldn’t go to another meeting judging by the way you left that day, so I had to figure out a way to find you. I remembered you had mentioned Chad the day we met, that you worked together. You had also told me where your station was so all I had to do was go over there and hope I could find him. And I did, yesterday. I had a talk with him and convinced him to give me your address. In his defense, he was very reluctant, he’s quite protective of you. But after we talked and I made him see I mean no harm, he gave in and told me you were planning on not going back to the meetings. He suggested I come here to try and convince you to go with me.”

Jared doesn’t say anything for a bit, registering everything that Jensen just told him. He went all the way to Manhattan to find Chad, convinced his friend’s stubborn ass to tell him where he could find Jared and here he is now, in his home. There’s only one thing Jared doesn’t understand.

“Why?” Jared cocks his head to one side, feeling very puzzled by Jensen’s persistence.

“Why what?” Jensen frowns.

“Why did you go to all this trouble to find me? I don’t understand.”

Jensen’s frown deepens as he clearly has no idea what Jared is talking about. “How could I not? After the way we were brought together and ripped apart? I know we had just met but I really cared about you from the start. And then that terrible day and all we went through... I thought you were dead, Jared. And now, I find out you’re _alive_. I know our circumstances have changed and we’re not the same people we were back then but I still want the same thing, I want to get to know you better.”

Jared bites the inside of his cheek, nervousness ramping up. Jensen can’t mean what Jared thinks he meant, he sure as hell doesn’t want to get to know Jared like _that_ anymore. Not like he did when they first met. But that’s okay, Jared would never expect that from Jensen, from anyone, not now. He’s willing to take whatever Jensen wants to give him. It will hurt not being able to have what he really wants but that door is closed for sure. He can settle for just having Jensen wanting to be in his life in some fashion. He still feels self-conscious being seen in a wheelchair but Jensen came all the way here knowing what he would find, so maybe he doesn’t mind that much for some reason.

“So… you want to be my friend?” Jared asks in a small voice.

Jensen studies him for a second. “Sure. We can start there.”

Jared thinks about the meaning of what Jensen just said but before he can ask anything, Jensen continues, “So, does that mean you’re going to the meeting with me?”

Jared looks down for a few moments before making eye contact again. “I don’t know, I… I don’t like to be around people much these days.” He gives Jensen a humorless laugh.

Jensen looks at him with sympathy as he leans over and rests his elbows on his knees. “Look, I understand it can be hard. But if you need help, it’s really important that you go. You were already willing to go before, and now that the shock of us finding each other has passed, you can go again.”

Jared shrugs, looking away from Jensen again as his cheeks heat up and he feels dumb. “I just… I don’t want people to stare at me, to judge me.”

“Nobody is gonna judge you Jared, I promise. You’re gonna be among friends, people who can relate to what you’re going through. They can help. There’s no need to be afraid.”

“Will I need to speak?” Jared grimaces, he’s really not ready to say anything still, he’d probably puke in front of everyone.

Jensen shakes his head. “Not if you don’t want to. You can just sit and listen.”

Jared has one more very important question. “Are you gonna be there?” The ‘ _by my side’_ part goes unsaid but apparently Jensen hears it anyway and smiles.

“I won’t leave your side if you don’t want me to.”

Jared nods and considers everything quietly. He’s terrified but Jensen is gonna be there with him. Even though they indeed don’t know much about each other, especially given the past months, he already feels safe with Jensen. He has a way of making him feel calmer. So maybe it’s worth a shot. Jared doubts things can get any worse than rock bottom anyway.

“Can you wait for me to get ready? I wasn’t really planning on going to the meeting, ya know.”

Jensen nods. “I figured that much, that’s why I came a little early. I thought if I convinced you to come with me that you might need some time.”

“Thanks… I’ll be right back, make yourself comfortable.”

With that, Jared wheels to his room, feeling Jensen’s eyes on him. As he closes the door behind him he takes a few deep breaths to calm his nerves. He can do this, he _can_. God he can’t believe Jensen actually went through all the trouble just to find out where he was, and then actually came here to see him. Jared is still having a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that Jensen is indeed alive and now in his living room. He had wished so many times he could be reunited with Jensen, those thoughts always leading to a reunion in heaven or something. He wasn’t counting on ever seeing Jensen again in this life. And now that Jared is in this current situation, he feels more lost than before.

Jared longs to just get up and walk back to the living room. He despises that Jensen has to see him like this, dragging his paralyzed ass around in a wheelchair while Jensen is still so gorgeous and completely functional. Jensen is still as perfect as Jared remembers and he is sure that if he lets Jensen into his life, he’s gonna end up broken-hearted. Again. He must be a masochist though because he doesn’t have the strength to send Jensen away. If Jensen wants to be his friend, Jared will try his best to be a good one and not hurt him like he has done so recently to Chad and Danneel.

After spending several moments debating his wardrobe, he finally picks out navy blue jeans and a white t-shirt. Once he has changed clothes, he decides something is missing so he chooses a green plaid flannel to go over the t-shirt. He puts on his sneakers and he looks down at himself. He feels like a fool for trying to dress a little better, it’s not like anyone will look at his clothes since the only thing they see when looking at Jared are his wheels. But Jensen is here and it might be stupid but for once, Jared wants to look at least a bit nicer for him. He doubts Jensen will notice it, but anyway.

Next up is a visit to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face. He’s glad he had already emptied his bladder before Jensen came, that definitely saves a lot of time. He looks at his face in the mirror, still barely recognizing himself. He hasn’t shaved in awhile. It’s not like he had a reason to do so, plus, his half grown beard is another thing he can hide behind. Jared goes back to the bedroom, not even bothering to comb his hair since he grabs his beanie - a black one this time - and shoves it on his head. At last, he hangs his small backpack on the backrest of his chair and breathes deeply for a few counts. His heart is beating a mile a minute, but he knows he can do this.

Wheeling back to the living room, Jared finds Jensen sitting on the couch, taking a look at the booklet of his Green Day CD currently playing.

“Hey,” Jared says in a low voice. Jensen immediately lifts his head and smiles at him.

“Hey, you’re back!”

“Sorry it took so long, getting dressed and ready takes a little more time and effort.” Jared shrugs in apology.

Jensen waves him off while inserting the booklet back inside the CD case. “It’s no problem at all. So, Green Day, huh?”

Jared gives Jensen a half smile as they get into the subject of his favorite band. “Yeah… Smoothed Out is their first independent album, it’s pretty good. It came out a few years before Dookie, which a lot of sinners who aren’t familiar with the band so much, like yourself, may consider their first album, but it’s not.”

Jensen has an indescribable look on his face while listening to Jared ramble on about Green Day, his smile growing wider as he puts the CD case down. “Well, Green Day geek, the CD sounds pretty good to me so far, perhaps I could borrow it sometime.”

Jared shakes his head as Jensen gets up from the couch. “Over my dead body. You’re gonna have to get your own, I’m afraid.”

Jensen chuckles, making his way towards Jared. “Or I’m gonna have to come here to listen to it.”

Jared blushes a little, busying himself with turning off the stereo and taking the CD out, placing it back in the case and hoping Jensen won’t notice his pink cheeks. “Well, only if you want to,” he replies in a timid voice.

“Sure I do,” comes a sincere sounding reply and when Jared looks back, he sees that Jensen is staring at him as if he’s lost in thought. Jared feels uncomfortable, like he always does when someone stares at him, even more so because it’s Jensen. Something he thinks he’s gonna have to get used to, he guesses.

He clears his throat and wheels backwards away from Jensen. “Let’s get going?”

Jensen comes out of his trance as he shakes his head and gives Jared an apologetic look. “Yeah yeah, sure, sorry, my mind wandered for a few seconds. By the way, I didn’t bring my car. I only live a few blocks away and the meeting isn’t far away either, so I thought we could just ditch it… unless you prefer to ride there. I can go and get the car, it’s no problem.”

Jared considers that for a moment. He _would_ prefer to go by car like he did with Chad so he wouldn’t have people staring at him on the street but he’s not gonna make Jensen go back to his house now. He’s not happy with the idea however Jensen will be with him, so Jared guesses it won’t be _that_ horrible. It’s not too far, anyway. He takes a breath before exhaling slowly. He can do this.

“It’s okay, like you said, the building is only a few blocks from here.”

Jensen nods, walking to the door, opening it wide and stepping aside so Jared can wheel himself out. Together they make their way onto the sidewalk. Even with only a few people on the street, Jared immediately feels exposed. When Jensen starts walking beside him he relaxes a tiny bit. Jared is still not very used to navigating his chair on the streets since he’s kept himself inside most of the time, so he’s quite slow. He feels nervous about it but apparently Jensen doesn’t mind one bit, keeping up with Jared’s pace and enjoying the walk.

They go side by side for awhile in silence and it isn’t uncomfortable at all. In fact, Jared really enjoys Jensen’s company, which surprises him because he hasn’t really enjoyed anything in a long time.

Eventually, Jensen breaks the silence. “I actually thought you lived somewhere else by the way, judging by what you told me that day at the bar. You said you lived close to it, but you actually live only a few blocks away from me.”

Jared doesn’t answer right away as he focuses on crossing a street and thinking about their conversation at the bar. He sighs before replying, “I did live somewhere else when we met. But after what happened to me we had to find another place. Chad and I lived in an apartment on the third floor with no elevator.”

Jensen nods in understanding as Jared prays that he doesn’t ask what happened. He can’t talk about it, not yet. It feels good to talk about normal stuff for a while and at least for now, Jared doesn’t want to open that can of worms. If Jensen sticks around like he says he will, Jared knows they will end up discussing that subject eventually. Right now though, he’s happy to dance around the huge elephant in the room and hopes to keep it that way.

They finally arrive at the building and Jensen opens the door to the meeting room, allowing Jared to go in first. When he wheels inside he can see there are a couple of people there already, standing close to a table having coffee since it’s still a bit early. They stop talking when Jared and Jensen arrive, giving Jared curious looks when they see him. Jensen closes the door and walks past Jared, motioning for him to follow.

They approach the table set up for coffee and the two guys already there smile at Jensen while keeping an eye on Jared.

“Hey guys, this is my friend Jared, he’s here for his first meeting.” Jensen turns to Jared and gives him an encouraging smile. “Jared, this is Rob and Matt. Rob is our oldest member and the one who kinda organizes things around here and keeps things going.”

Rob reaches out his hand with a smile and Jared shakes it, followed by Matt’s.

“Welcome to our little group, Jared! It’s good to have you with us,” Rob says kindly. If they think it’s odd that a guy in a wheelchair is at an AA meeting, they don’t say anything and Jared is grateful. Jensen exchanges a few words with the guys while he gets coffee for Jared and himself, but instead of giving Jared a cup, he makes a gesture for Jared to follow him to where there are some chairs arranged in a circle.

Jared notices that Jensen didn’t hand him his cup because he knew Jared would need both of his hands to wheel himself to the circle. When they reach it, Jensen sets both cups on the open seat of a chair. He picks up the one next to it, folding and placing it against the wall so Jared can park his own chair in the empty space. He comes back and as Jared settles himself, Jensen hands him his cup.

“Thanks,” Jared says in a hushed voice, giving Jensen a crooked smile. He really appreciates Jensen’s small attentive gestures, it puts Jared a bit more at ease and he’s so glad Jensen is here, he really doesn’t see how he would have been able to do this alone.

“No problem. You okay?”

Jared bobs his head in a ‘yes’ motion. Jensen has been back in his life for only a couple of hours but for the first time in months, Jared is feeling the tiniest bit okay and that is already a huge improvement.

More people begin to arrive for the meeting and they start taking their seats, all sending Jared curious glances and he starts feeling anxious again. God, he hates how everyone has this need to stare at him like he’s an alien. Jensen apparently senses Jared’s nervousness because he scoots his chair a bit closer and turns to him.

“We’re about to start,” he whispers, and Jared only nods, his throat too tight to speak. Jensen makes small talk to a few people around him, but he doesn’t leave Jared’s side as promised. Jared is so thankful he could cry.

Finally everyone is settled and Rob, sitting across from Jared, speaks.

“Welcome guys, it’s great to have you all here again. We have a new friend here with us today, this is Jared.” Rob motions with his hands in Jared’s direction and again all eyes are on him. He feels even more on edge when suddenly Jensen reaches out and places a hand on his shoulder, giving a light squeeze with a reassuring smile.

Everyone says hi to Jared and they all do look friendly as he takes in each one discretely. It’s just as Jensen had promised. Jared feels himself relaxing a bit, encouraged by the warmth of Jensen’s hand touching him.

Jared waves quickly and says a quiet _hey,_ not trusting his throat just yet.

“Thanks for joining us today, Jared,” Rob adds, and Jared bobs his head in silent acknowledgement. As Jensen pulls his hand back, Jared feels the loss of warmth immediately. He would like nothing more than to reach out and take Jensen’s hand in his own, but of course he won’t do that.

Rob proceeds to ask if anyone wants to share something and people start to talk, always including how long they’ve been sober. Jared actually gets immersed in listening to the different stories. He feels oddly good, in a sense, he really isn’t alone. It’s nice to know there are other people who felt as desperate as he did, who have gone through similar experiences with drinking from whatever got them to that point.

After several people have spoken Jensen raises his hand and Jared turns to him, dreading to hear what Jensen has to say.

“Hey guys, I’m Jensen.” Everyone says _Hi, Jensen._ He clears his throat. “I’ve been sober for a little over two months. I missed the last meeting, but something really important happened. As most of you know, I’m a September 11th survivor and more often than not, day to day living is damn hard. My life is a daily struggle. A few days ago, I got something back that I thought was gone forever. I’ve been feeling hopeful since then. It’s just a tiny bit, my struggle is still very real and present, but I see a small light now and that’s so much more than I could have asked for. I almost had a relapse the other day. Holding on to that hope kept me strong. I finally feel a bit better and for that I’m very glad and thankful.”

As he finishes speaking, Jensen turns to Jared with a meaningful look. Jared holds his gaze in silent understanding. Jared replays Jensen’s words in his mind and finds he also feels the same way when he really thinks on it. Everything felt so dark all the time, Jared constantly felt like he was buried deep inside a hole with no way out. In the short time that Jensen has been back in his life, things have started to look a bit brighter. Jared can only hope Jensen is here to stay.

*

Once the meeting is over people begin to leave and others head to the small table to get coffee and snacks. Jared stays where he is, trying to take it all in and Jensen stays by his side as Rob approaches them.

“So Jared, I hope you enjoyed our meeting. There’s another one in a few days if you’d like to join us again.”

Jared wants to say that actually he has to join them and it occurs to him that Rob may know that since Dr. Ferris told him his attendance would be checked, but he doesn’t say anything, just smiles and nods.

“Thanks, I’ll be here.” Rob shakes Jared’s hand and then Jensen’s before walking away to talk to the other attendees.

Jensen turns to Jared. “Ready to go?”

Jared nods and together they make their way outside. Jensen waves to a few people as he says his goodbyes and never leaves Jared’s side. Jared feels selfish for a moment, maybe Jensen wanted to stay and talk to some of his friends, but his insecurity wins out and he feels glad Jensen is there beside him.

When they reach the sidewalk, the sky is already turning dark. Jensen stops to look at Jared again, reaching a hand up to scratch the back of his neck as he speaks.

“So… I was thinking maybe you’d like to go grab something to eat? There’s a diner right down the street. Or maybe the coffee shop on the corner?”

Again Jared notices how adorable Jensen is when he’s nervous and realizes he’d very much love to go with Jensen. He’s already had a big day just going to the meeting and he’s not used to so much socializing quite yet. He’s tired and really wants to go home.

“Do you mind if we do that another day?” Jared scrunches up his nose, giving Jensen an apologetic look. “It’s just that I’ve already shot my energy for today and I’m still not used to doing much. I’m sorry, I just want to go home, if that’s okay.”

Jensen smiles kindly at him. “Of course Jared, you don’t need to apologize for that. I really get it even more than you think. Let’s get you home safe and sound, I don’t want to have an angry Chad ready to deck me, I still need to prove to him I’m a trustworthy person.”

Jared chuckles and feels relieved that Jensen is so understanding. As they start to head back to his house, he wonders why Jensen said he gets what Jared said. He doesn’t ask though, if he’s not willing to share things about himself with Jensen yet, he can’t expect that in return either.

They forge ahead in comfortable silence, enjoying each other’s company. When they arrive at the driveway, Jared can see Chad is home already and he’s gonna want to hear about everything for sure. But first, he’s gonna have to explain to Jared why he didn’t tell him about Jensen.

Jensen turns and smiles at Jared. “So… I hope you enjoyed the meeting today. And that you forgive me for coming after you like I did to get you to go.”

“Of course I forgive you.” Jared returns the smile. “And the meeting was better than I thought it would be. Even though I don’t feel like talking yet, it was good to just listen. Thanks for taking me, I don’t think I’d be able to go it alone yet.”

“It’s no problem, I’m really glad you came. Today was the best meeting I’ve had so far. Can I come by on Wednesday so we can go together again?”

“Sure thing,” Jared replies. Jensen fishes his phone out of his pocket.

“You mind giving me your number again? I kinda lost it with the old phone.”

Jared is quiet for a moment, thinking about all those times he called Jensen just to hear his voice from the voicemail message. It’s still unbelievable that Jensen is in front of him and he can hear his voice live and in person. Jared blinks a few times and recites his number to Jensen, who calls him on the spot so Jared can save his new number too.

“So…” Jensen seems unsure after putting his phone in his pocket again. “I guess I’ll get going. Can I give you a call sometime, maybe?”

“Definitely. I need someone to talk to about the last Green Day album anyway.”

Jensen laughs and for a second he looks lost. Jared wonders if he’s thinking about the best way to say goodbye. Jared thinks about going for a simple handshake when Jensen kneels down beside him, giving him a hug.

“It was awesome to see you again,” Jensen whispers in his ear and Jared wraps his arms around him, enjoying his warmth.

“Thanks for finding me,” he whispers back. They hold on to the moment for a bit before breaking apart. When they do, Jensen flashes that brilliant smile at him before getting back up.

“See you soon, Jared!”

Jared wheels himself up the small ramp to the door and unlocks it. He goes in and before closing the door, he looks outside to see Jensen still there, patiently waiting for him to get inside. He waves at him and closes the door, feeling something he hasn’t felt in a long time. He can’t quite explain it. Mostly he still feels so downhearted and tries to keep his walls in place as much as he can but somehow Jensen is starting to burrow his way through them. Jared only hopes that doesn’t end up hurting him even more in the long run.


	12. Chapter 12

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_**Jensen** _

Jensen arrives home after walking Jared back to his place and he feels good, really good for the first time in a long time. He had been so incredibly nervous before going over there, thinking that Jared might kick him out. It was amazing when he didn’t and even more so when he’d agreed to go to the meeting. As he sinks down on the couch, he thinks about their time together today. It’s still so incredible to see Jared, to know he’s actually alive. He is still shocked that all this time Jared had been within walking distance from him. Neither of them had had any idea. God, he wished he could have been there for Jared sooner. And he will be from now on, as long as Jared will have him.

Jensen stays lost in his thoughts until there’s a knock on the door.

“Jenny, you there?” It’s Chris, so Jensen doesn’t even bother getting up, just yells for him to come in. Chris does just that, plopping down on the couch next to him.

“So, how was it? Did he let you in or slam the door in your face?”

Jensen takes a deep breath and tells Chris the details of their afternoon, how he managed to convince Jared to come to the meeting with him and how they were able to start reconnecting.

“And how is he? Did he tell you why he’s in the wheelchair?” Chris asks when Jensen finishes talking.

“No, he didn’t,” Jensen replies, resting his head back on the couch. “And I didn’t ask either. It’s hard seeing him the chair but I assumed he wouldn’t want to talk about it. That’s kinda personal and I don’t know that we’re there yet. He’s just like Chad told me he would be though, Jared is a different person now. I mean, I had only spent a few hours with him before September 11th but he was so full of life, Chris. He would talk a mile a minute, smiling with deep dimples and there was a twinkle in his eyes. All of that is gone now. The light is gone and his eyes are shadowed, like all his vibrancy has been drained out. He doesn’t talk much or make eye contact and the few times he smiled, it never reached his eyes. I can’t even imagine the things he has been going through since that day, he must be suffering so much. And here I am complaining about my own damn life when I have no right to do so.”

“Don’t say that Jensen, that’s not true, you have every right to feel the way you do.” Chris wags a finger at him, stressing his point.

“Jared is in a wheelchair for some reason. He obviously faced hell while I’m here on my perfectly good feet, thinking I had it bad. Don’t tell me I shouldn’t feel this way Chris, please. Spending time with Jared, seeing just a tiny bit of what he has to deal with now, I can’t help it. He was only there to help people. He was doing his fucking job and now he can’t walk anymore. That’s damn unfair. And he doesn’t have to do it alone anymore. If he lets me, I will be there for him, Chris.”

Jensen’s eyes are shining with tears when he finishes and he is slightly out of breath. Chris doesn’t say anything, just keeps Jensen company as they both sit and think to themselves.

*

Jensen meets Jared as promised the following Wednesday and they go to another meeting together. He had been so anxious to see Jared again, he couldn’t wait for Wednesday to come which was odd because he hadn’t looked forward to anything like that for a long time. In fact the last time had been the night he had met Jared, he just couldn’t wait to see him again. And of all things, it was Jared who could make him feel like this again. Jensen had called Jared the day after his first AA meeting and they had talked for a while about random things. Jensen let Jared ramble on about Green Day which Jensen noticed was something that cheered him up a bit. Jensen would let him talk about his favorite band all day long just as long as he could hear the excitement in Jared’s voice.

This time when Jensen arrives, it’s Chad who answers the door, who tells him Jared is finishing getting ready. He invites Jensen in and Jensen feels as nervous as he did the first time.

“Hey Chad, thanks for helping me with Jared. I really, really appreciate it,” Jensen says, giving Chad a shy smile.

Chad returns the smile before looking at Jared’s closed door and then facing Jensen again. “You’re welcome. I’m glad I trusted my gut and gave you our address. Ever since Jaybird came back from that meeting, I’ve noticed he’s different. And it’s good - barely there differences, but I know him. And I know it has to do with you.” Chad checks Jared’s door again and lowers his voice, moving closer to Jensen. “Jared cares about you and I know you can be good for him, you may even get through to him like none of us could. But please, Jensen. Unless you’re planning on staying in Jared’s life you should back away while there’s still time so it will hurt him less. I don’t want to see him even more broken. And I’ll hold you responsible.”

Jensen takes in what Chad just said, completely understanding why Chad is so protective of Jared. It’s good that Jared has someone like Chad in his life. He remembers Jared telling him how his mother died and he had nobody else left in his family, so Chad took him in like a brother. Jensen imagines that Chad also has had a hard time with whatever happened to Jared. Jensen realizes he was probably the one who had to hold everything together and still is, since they live together. A growing respect for Chad washes over him and he silently appreciates that Jared has had someone like him by his side when Jensen himself couldn't have been there.

“I won’t leave Jared, Chad. I’m in this for good, otherwise I wouldn’t have looked for you. I meant everything I said. I’m here for the long haul.”

Chad nods and is about to say something else when the door to Jared’s room opens and he wheels out of it. When he spots Jensen, he gives him a smile and Jensen just can’t help smiling back.

“Hey Jared!” Today Jared is wearing light blue jeans and a navy blue button down which bring out the multi-colored hues in his eyes, his shaved face smooth with only a hint of stubble. “I see you cleaned up a bit there.” He motions to Jared’s face, watching Jared pink up with the observation.

Jensen tries not to stare too long at Jared since the last time he did it he could see how uncomfortable it made him, probably thinking Jensen was staring because of his wheelchair when in fact it was so very not that at all. Jared is still so gorgeous, he looks damn fine in everything he wears even though he has clearly lost a lot of weight compared to when they first met. He had looked great with the scruffy beard last week and still does now all cleaned up - his dimples are easier to spot and enchant Jensen once again. It’s been awhile since Jensen has had stirrings like that towards someone - and of course - once again it’s Jared. But he forces those thoughts away from his mind, Jared needs a friend right now and that’s what Jensen will be.

So he just smiles and asks if Jared is ready to go. Jared dips his head while picking up a beanie that had been on his lap and puts it on. Jensen wonders what’s with Jared and the beanies. The three times he has seen him recently he has had it on when going outside. Not that it doesn’t suit him, it makes him even more boyishly cute but Jensen is curious. He doesn’t ask about it though, adding it to the pile of one of the many mysteries that surround Jared.

The AA meeting goes by uneventfully. As before, Jensen removes a chair from the set up circle so Jared can settle in the empty space again, making sure to claim a seat beside him. Jensen can tell that Jared appreciates these little gestures so he always tries to be attentive, anticipating what Jared may need, so he’ll feel more at ease.

Once again Jared chooses to not speak to the group and this time neither does Jensen. He doesn’t feel like talking today, doesn’t really have much to share. The only thing that has happened in the past several days was his near constant thinking about Jared and he doesn’t want to share that with a room full of people. Jensen can see that Jared is a tiny bit more relaxed compared to his first meeting. It doesn’t appear that people are giving him many curious looks today which is good. Jensen imagines the dread of expecting that around new people all the time must suck. And if Jensen had scooted his chair closer to Jared when he sat down for the meeting, nobody else needs to know.

Once the meeting is over and both of them make their way out of the building, Jensen prepares to walk Jared home like the other day until Jared spins his chair around to look at him.

“So, is that invitation to get something to eat still open?” Jared looks bashful and he’s blushing, like he doesn’t know if Jensen would still be up for it. Jensen can see what a big step this is for Jared, agreeing to go somewhere so ordinary as a diner with Jensen, somewhere he would probably have tried to stay far away from not long ago since he’s still wary of being around people. Jensen’s so glad Jared feels comfortable enough with him to do this already, so he gives him a wide smile.

“Of course it is! I’d like to get something to eat anyway and I would enjoy your company.”

Jared keeps eye contact, smiling back at him. Then he takes a moment, biting his lip and looking down at himself as if he’s unsure. He nods as if convincing himself of something before placing his hands on the rims of his wheels, looking back up.

“Let’s go, then.”

They cross the street together and head towards the diner, where Jensen opens the door for Jared and follows him inside. Fortunately there aren’t many people inside and there is enough space for Jared to maneuver between tables. They choose one near the window and Jensen removes the chair that’s there so Jared can park in the empty space. Jensen sits down across from him as Jared takes a quick nervous look at his surroundings. Nobody is paying them much attention, which Jensen thinks is good.

The waitress approaches their table before either of them can say anything and while she smiles at Jensen, she barely spares Jared a glance.

“Can I get you boys anything?” she asks, still acknowledging Jensen only.

“I’ll have a cheeseburger with fries and a Coke, please,” Jensen orders, not even bothering to look at the menu.

“Good, anything else?” the fucking waitress asks, still looking at Jensen as if he’s the one ordering for Jared.

Jensen eyes Jared across the table, who’s staring at the menu as if he’s trying to burn a hole in it. “Jared, what do you want?”

“A caesar salad and a lemonade, thanks, ” he mumbles, giving her back the menu without looking up. The waitress takes it without a word and tells them - actually tells Jensen - that she will be back soon with their orders.

“Whoa, she’s an ass, she barely looked at you!” Jensen exclaims watching as Jared seems to pull in and make himself smaller while he plays with a napkin.

“‘s okay. I’m getting used to it. I’m either the center of attention or I’m invisible, there’s no in between.”

Jensen gives him an apologetic look. “It’s not okay, Jared. I’m sorry, that’s awful.”

At that, Jared looks up sharply and grits out, “Not your fault.”

They stay in silence for a while until Jensen remembers their orders. “Are you only eating a salad? Will that be enough?”

Jared gives a one shoulder shrug. “I don’t eat much now,” comes his soft reply.

Jensen doesn’t know what to say to that, he would really like to get into the subject, talk to Jared about all that’s changed since September 11th, even if it hurts. This is the first chance they have had to actually sit down and talk face to face. Before he can say a word in reply it’s like Jared can read what’s on Jensen’s mind and plasters a fake smile on his face.

“So, what have you been up to these days?” He looks at Jensen with pleading eyes, and Jensen knows what this is. This is Jared silently begging Jensen not to ask, not to bring the subject up. The elephant is right there sitting between them on the table and they both know it. Even though they’ll have to talk about it at some point, Jensen can give Jared a reprieve today. He’s not ready, so Jensen won’t push.

Instead they talk about everything else. It almost feels like it could have been another day at ‘their’ bar. Meeting again for a second time after that night, getting to know each other a little better. The only differences are nine months and a tragedy between them. But it’s good to pretend, at least for today.

They leave the diner about half an hour later after Jensen takes care of the check. He is the one who invited Jared first and wouldn’t hear otherwise. He also makes sure to leave a poor tip that he’s not sorry about at all since the fucking waitress didn’t spare Jared a single glance. As they make their way to Jared’s house, things feel much more comfortable between them. Jared is still not talking about the important things they both need to address and Jensen will give him the time and space to do that. He wasn’t kidding Chad about being in this for the long haul. He hopes Jared will trust him enough that they can get to that frank discussion soon. Jensen is sure that will be a painful but is equally sure it’s a much needed part of the healing process for Jared. For them both, actually.

When it’s time to say goodbye, he kneels down to hug Jared again. It feels damn good.

*

When Jensen arrives at Jared’s house on Saturday for their next AA meeting, he’s the one who answers the door and greets Jensen with a small smile.

“Hey Jensen.” Jared wheels aside so Jensen can come in.

“Hey Jared!” He closes the door behind him and takes a look around. “No Chad in the house?”

Jared shakes his head as he grabs his keys, phone and wallet before putting his beanie on. “No, Chad has a date tonight.”

Jared looks halfway between amused and mad so Jensen asks what’s going on.

“He’s going on his third date with my physical therapist, Danneel. Of all people.”

Jensen chuckles, “Oh, really?”

“Yeah, really,” Jared responds. “She comes by a few times a week and apparently they got close after…” Jared suddenly stops talking and his eyes go wide as if he was about to say something he realized he shouldn’t. “Well, they got close and tonight he decided to tell me they’ve been out a couple times.”

Jensen knows there’s something there, something Jared is hiding that helped bring those two together, but again, he doesn’t ask. They leave for the meeting, chatting every now and then along with way.

The meeting goes smoothly. Jared chooses not to speak again, but Jensen ends up talking a bit about his past few days. His job is going well and things are looking better for him on all fronts. Once it’s over and they both say their goodbyes, Jensen considers asking if Jared wants to go to the coffee shop or somewhere else (except the diner, he doesn’t want to see that waitress again, thank you very much) but before he can say anything, Jared beats him to it.

“Hey Jensen, I was wondering, ” Jared turns to him and he looks adorably shy. “Chad is gonna spend the night out, so I thought you could come by and we could order pizza or something, maybe watch a movie. Only if you want to, I mean… don’t feel pressured.”

Jared is fucking _blushing_ and seriously, he couldn’t be more adorable if he tried. Jensen can’t help but smile, his heart full of warmth.

“Do you even have to ask? Of course I want to! But I have a better idea, why don’t we stop by the grocery store and get some stuff so I can cook us dinner? I dare say I’m a decent cook myself!”

Jared thinks about it for a moment, another ‘new’ place with people to stare at him, but in the end he agrees. Jensen’s with him, he know he’ll be ok.

“Yeah, that’d be cool.”

They head to a local corner store for ingredients. Jensen decides to make them some steaks with garlic mashed potatoes, a small salad, and picks up a pie for dessert. Once they’ve paid for everything (Jared insists on paying this time since Jensen did it last time), they move on to Jared’s house.

After putting all the plastic bags on the counter, Jared turns to Jensen.

“So, um… I have to go to my room and take care of some personal business.” Jared looks really embarrassed as he speaks, his voice gone soft. Jensen is sure it has got something to do with him being in the wheelchair. He doesn’t offer any details and Jensen knows way better than to ask. Jared starts to head out from the kitchen and adds, “But please, go ahead and get started, use anything you want in the kitchen, I’ll be right back.”

With that, Jared wheels to his room and closes the door. Jensen wonders for the thousandth time about what has really happened to Jared. He wishes he could do more to help him in some way that doesn’t sound or look like pity. He doesn’t want to offend, he genuinely just wants to care for Jared. Right now though, he places all his focus on his cooking. It’s noticeable how much thinner Jared is, added to that the knowledge that he hasn’t been eating much, so Jensen wants to cook him a nice meal. Maybe getting Jared to eat something more substantial will help in him starting to gain some weight back. Jensen thinks about how he used to love cooking. He has to admit ever since the attack he hasn’t felt like doing it much - another passion of his that fell by the wayside in his own funk. And strangely enough, Jared is again the one who inspires Jensen to want to cook again.

Jared returns to the living room about twenty minutes later while Jensen is preparing the mashed potatoes while the steaks are cooking. Jensen looks over at him and notices that Jared has taken off his beanie and changed into comfy looking black sweatpants. Jared’s hair is brushed out, soft and framing his face beautifully.

“Smells good,” Jared says. Jensen hopes he can get Jared to eat better again. Real home cooked meals are probably a key to that and he vows to come by and cook for him everyday if he has to.

Jared picks up dishes, placemats and cutlery, carefully balancing them on his lap and wheeling to the living room to set the small dining table. Jensen places the finishing touches on their meal and brings it to the table.

They eat in silence apart from small food moans of appreciation. Jared compliments Jensen’s cooking skills, which lights him up with pride. He doesn’t eat much, still it’s enough for Jensen to consider it a good solid start.

Once they are finished, Jensen suggests Jared pick a movie for them to watch while he clears away their dirty dishes. He puts everything inside the sink to soak in soapy hot water, including the empty pans, deciding to finish them later. Thankfully he didn’t make a huge mess. He’s excited to get back to Jared and spend more time together.

As he wanders back to the living room he wonders what kind of movie Jared has chosen but when he sees him Jensen is instantly on alert. Jared is hunched over in his chair, one hand gripping a wheel and the other around his legs, his face a distorted mask of pain. Jensen is by Jared’s side in an instant, kneeling down beside him.

“Jared, what’s happening?”

Jensen’s hands hover near Jared but don’t touch, afraid he’s gonna hurt him even more. Jared takes a few deep breaths and tries to sit up straight, almost succeeding. He keeps a hand on his knee for support and his eyes closed tightly. Jensen feels desperate, he wants to help but he doesn’t know what’s happening or what he can do.

“Jared, please talk to me!”

Jared swallows hard, lowering his head, turning it a fraction towards Jensen in response.

“My back hurts, ” he breathes in a whisper as his back spasms in an arch over the seat of his chair. He looks extremely uncomfortable. Jensen places a hand on Jared’s other wheel since he doesn’t know if he should touch him and moves closer.

“Tell me how can I help, please.”

Jared tightly swallows again and open his eyes a fraction to peer at Jensen. “There’s a bottle of pills on my nightstand, please get it for me?”

Jensen is on his feet in an instant, running to Jared’s room. He locates the nightstand and sure enough, there’s an orange pill bottle on it. He grabs it and rushes back to the living room. Before he has a chance to get a glass of water from the kitchen, he eyes Jared and notices he’s trying to transfer himself from the wheelchair to the couch. He’s struggling, likely because of the pain in his back. Instead of heading to the kitchen he walks over to Jared who now has drops of sweat running down his forehead from his efforts.

“Jared, let me help you.” It’s not a question but a firm statement.

Jared looks up at him with a pained yet proud expression as he fiercely cries, “I can do this, Jensen!”

Jensen sighs and places a light hand on Jared’s shoulder, bending down a little so he’s at Jared’s eye level. “I know you can, Jared. Right now you’re in pain and it’s okay to accept help. Let me do this, please.”

Jared eyes Jensen for a moment before sinking back on his chair and nodding. Jensen wastes no time placing his arms under Jared’s armpits, hoisting him from the chair to the couch as gently as he can. Not gentle enough however as Jared’s face immediately shows the pain has gotten worse. He grimaces and leans back on the couch with his eyes slammed shut again. Jensen adjusts Jared’s legs to a better sitting position and when he is satisfied he runs to get a glass of water and the pills he’d dropped on the kitchen counter in his haste.

Going back to the couch, Jensen sits down next to Jared, who is reclining against the soft pillowed headrest. Jensen places a hand on his shoulder again to get his attention.

“Jared, I’ve got your pills. How many do you need?”

Jared slowly opens his eyes and turns his head towards Jensen. “Only two.”

Jensen fishes two pills out of the bottle, handing them over to Jared along with the glass of water. Jared swallows them down and returns the glass back to Jensen murmuring a strained _thanks_. His eyes slip shut and he stays very still, as if willing the pain to go away.

Placing the glass and pill bottle on the side table, Jensen remains by Jared’s side in silence. He angles his body towards Jared and lets his head fall to the headrest too, watching him quietly. Jared swallows from time to time, making his Adam’s apple bob up and down. Jensen focuses on Jared’s profile as it goes slack: his pointed nose and strong jaw, dimples that make an appearance when he purses his lips from time to time, his too long hair falling back from his face and God, Jared is so incredibly beautiful. Jensen aches to run his hand over Jared’s face and through his hair but refrains. It’s not the time or place to do that and he just needs a friend right now. He’s glad Jared invited him over tonight so he had someone with him when the pain hit. Obviously it’s not the first time this has happened since Jared knows how to deal with it. How often does Jared have to face this alone?

A while later, Jared’s head tilts towards him and Jensen finds himself looking into hazel eyes again. Jared tries to give him a smile but it comes out more like a rictus of pain.

“Still hurts?” Jensen asks, wincing in sympathy.

“A little,” Jared responds, and Jensen has a feeling it’s more than a little.

“Do you want more pills?”

Jared doesn’t answer right away, he stares at Jensen for a while before sighing in frustration. “I can’t.”

Jensen frowns, he wants to ask why not when something inside of him and in Jared’s voice tells him not to. So he just keeps eye contact and waits, watching a myriad of emotions play across Jared’s face. It pays off after several minutes when Jared clarifies further. And what comes out of his mouth terrifies Jensen.

“I had an overdose.”


	13. Chapter 13

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_**Jensen** _

Jensen freezes on the spot, wishing he had heard it wrong however the expression on Jared’s face tells him it’s exactly what he heard. His heart is beating a mile a minute and somehow he holds his tongue waiting for Jared to feel comfortable enough to tell him more.

“I was hurting so damn much and I was desperate for it to stop. I was already in a poor frame of mind and needed the pain to go away so I could sleep. I had a drink to help the pills act quicker, then another. Everything got blurry and it was helping the pain so I kept going. I lost count of how many drinks I’d had and pills I’d taken and ended up emptying a bottle of booze and the rest of the pills. I didn’t mean to try and… you know. But it was what I did anyway. When Chad found me he made me puke up a lot of the pills out. I must have passed out because the next thing I knew, I was waking up in the hospital. My doctor ordered a psych eval and my shrink told me I had to go to therapy and AA meetings, or be admitted. You know the rest.”

Jensen is completely lost for words. Jared had an overdose and came very close to losing his life. _Again_. His heart aches for him, for the pain Jared must be going through not only physically but most of all emotionally. He inches closer to Jared on the couch, feeling the intense need to be within arm’s reach.

“I’m sorry, Jared.” That’s all Jensen can say, he’s simply shell-shocked.

Jared slowly turns his head away from Jensen to stare at the ceiling. He bites the inside of his cheek, breathing deeply a few times, considering what to say next. It takes a few moments but he finally speaks, eyes locked on the ceiling, as if he knows he won’t make it through this if he looks over at Jensen.

“After I got the pregnant woman you had helped to an ambulance, I was running back to the North Tower to try and save you,” Jared starts. Jensen holds his breath. He knows what’s coming and stays deadly still, dreading what he’s gonna hear.

“Right before entering the building there was a crowd rushing out and I was trying to get back through. I saw Chad and he yelled my name, telling me to look out. When I looked up, there was a steel beam falling towards me. All I had time to do was bend over to try and protect myself. I lost consciousness from the hit. Chad told me he picked me up and rushed me to an ambulance. I woke up in the hospital six days later and learned that I had a lot of injuries, almost all which were treatable. I knew there was something not right with my body though - with my legs - and I had a pretty good idea what it might be. The doctor confirmed my suspicion. He said I had suffered a spinal cord injury on my 10th thoracic vertebrae which meant I wouldn’t have movement or feeling anywhere below my waist. I was a paraplegic, just like that. He said it as if he were saying I would need to wear glasses from then on.”

Jared’s eyes are shining with unspilled tears and Jensen opens his mouth but absolutely nothing comes out. After a few moments of silence, Jared continues, his voice shaky.

“In that moment, I knew I had lost everything. I already thought you were dead. Then I learned I couldn’t walk anymore. I was a firefighter, it was what I loved to do, it was my life. And it disappeared in an instant. It was all gone. Everything hurt so damn much. My body, my mind, my heart. I was in constant pain. But most of all, it upset me that I had failed you. I had promised I would come back and I left you there. I couldn’t come back for you, I failed you. I’m so sorry, Jensen.”

As he finishes with a muffled sob, tears are running down Jared’s face. He won’t look at Jensen for fear of what he might see. Jensen’s own eyes are burning and his heart aches seeing Jared blame himself for something that wasn’t his fault. He shifts even closer to Jared and touches his arm.

“Jared, please look at me.” His voice is tender and for several seconds Jared doesn’t move. Jensen patiently waits, stroking Jared’s arm softly until he finally moves his head slowly towards him. His eyes are red-rimmed, his face a mask of pain.

“I’m so sorry, Jensen. I broke my promise to you.” His voice is barely a whisper and upon hearing it, Jensen can’t fight his own tears anymore, letting them fall freely.

“Jared, stop it please,” he begs without letting go of Jared’s arm. “You didn’t fail me, you saved that woman and something horrible happened to you. I never thought you broke your promise - I thought you were dead too, remember? But you didn’t fail me Jared, I never felt that way for a second. You were there helping people. You’re a damn hero in my eyes, you hear me?”

Jared earnestly studies Jensen’s face before crying even harder. “Everything is just so fucking exhausting. I feel so fucking useless all the damn time, Jensen. I hate this wheelchair, I hate my body that fails me, my legs that don’t work, I hate my life now. The best moment of my day is when it ends and I go to bed, because for a few hours, I can forget everything, even if I don’t sleep very well. And when morning comes and I see the wheelchair by my bed, I remember what my life is like now. And I hate that I have to face another day like this. I hate having to get out of bed. I just want it all to be over, I want this unending pain to go away, but it won’t. When I consider actually doing something, I think about Chad and how much he does for me, that it would crush him. And the guilt, there are so many people who lost their lives that day who would give anything to be in my place, and I just, I can’t. And then it all just boils over and hurts a thousand times more. It’s like I’m inside this huge dark hole and there’s no way out, instead I keep falling deeper and deeper. I can’t take it anymore Jensen and I don’t know what to do. I feel selfish but it’s all just so unfair and I just… I don’t...”

Jared is bawling now, the dam broken, all of his long held back thoughts and fears and emotion rushing freely to empty out. As he shakes Jensen finds himself crying right along with him, dumbstruck. He does the only thing he can think of to do and pulls Jared’s body closer to him, wrapping his arms around his torso. Jared collapses on Jensen’s chest, crying harder, clutching at him like he’s a lifesaver. Jensen holds Jared as tight as he can, rocking him back and forth as Jared continues to sob. Jensen’s own tears drip down into Jared’s hair as he lets his eyes slip shut, allowing the anguish to wash over him.

They stay locked together in a rocking hug while Jensen lets Jared get it all out in the open, nine months of indescribable suffering he’d kept inside. Eventually the sobbing subdues and Jared’s breaths become more evened out. Jensen keeps his hold on him though because Jared hasn’t showed any signs he wants to let go of Jensen yet. More time passes in stillness. When Jensen leans back to take a look at Jared’s face he realizes Jared is sleeping. The emotional release wiped him out, for which Jensen can’t blame him one bit. Since Jensen knows he hasn’t been sleeping well these days, the exhaustion isn’t surprising.

He doesn’t have the heart to wake Jared up so he resettles him until he’s lying against the backrest. He knows he can’t leave Jared sleeping in that position; he doesn’t know much about spinal cord injuries but he figures it can’t be good for Jared to sleep sitting upright on the couch. And from the looks of it, Jared won’t be waking up anytime soon. So he goes to Jared’s room and gets his bed ready for him, then goes back to the living room to get Jared. Very carefully, he places an arm firmly behind his back and the other under his knees. He lifts Jared up and is surprised to see how light he is. He quietly promises he will make Jared regain some of the weight he’d lost, he’ll make him all his favorite things to eat. Jensen carefully takes him to his room and lies him on his bed.

He’s confused for a moment, he doesn’t know if there’s a specific position Jared should sleep in. He notices there are a lot of pillows on his bed. Jensen doesn’t want to wake Jared up, but he doesn’t want him to have more problems either, so he gently runs a hand along Jared’s face.

“Jared?”

Jared mumbles almost inaudibly and Jensen calls him again. He turns his face slightly towards Jensen hearing his name repeated.

“Jared, how do you sleep? Is there a specific position?”

“My side,” Jared mumbles without opening his eyes. Jensen adjusts him so he’s lying on his side, bending his knees a bit so he’s more stable. It hits him what the numerous pillows are for and he arranges them behind Jared’s back so he doesn’t roll over in his sleep.

He pulls the blankets up over him, while gazing at him fondly. Jared is sleeping peacefully. Jensen hopes it lasts so Jared can get some real rest.

“Sleep well,” he murmurs, leaning over and planting a lingering kiss on Jared’s temple. He then straightens up and leaves the room.

Jensen keeps his mind occupied for a while as he washes the soaking dishes and cleans the kitchen. Going back into the living room he notices that Jared’s wheelchair is still there, so he takes it to his bedroom and leaves it beside the bed so he’ll have it first thing when he wakes up.

When he finally sits down on the couch he lets out a huge breath and rubs his hands over his face, wondering what he should do. He doesn’t want to leave Jared alone, that’s for sure. Not that he thinks Jared can’t take care of himself, he obviously can and has for a while now. His state of mind right now though is probably still fragile. Jensen doesn’t want him to be alone when he wakes up, doesn’t want him to feel abandoned. Jared finally opened up to him, sharing his incredibly heartbreaking story. Jensen knows Jared ripped all those wounds open and likely will feel vulnerable and raw again. He could never have imagined that a beam fell on him and left him paralyzed, among the other injuries Jared mentioned. Jensen cries again thinking about it, wishing he could have helped Jared from day one. He wishes he could have been there for him. He thinks about his own problems and how they seem so small compared to what Jared is going through, ridiculous even. He has to agree with Jared though, it’s all so unfair.

He decides then and there that he will not leave Jared’s side, he will be there as long as Jared wants him. At this point, Jensen isn’t sure he could leave Jared even if he wanted to. He’d already told Chad he was in it for good and tonight has further cemented it. He cares so much for Jared, that dizzy breathless fluttery feeling grows every time he’s around him.

So he makes up his mind and after a quick trip to the bathroom and another to Chad’s room to fetch a blanket, he settles down on the comfortable couch. Jensen stays awake for a long time letting his mind wander before exhaustion finally claims him.

_**Jared** _

When Jared wakes up he feels disoriented. He opens his eyes and can see the sun streaming through the blinds and he’s in his bed. Something feels off though, because he doesn’t remember actually going to bed last night. He feels rested, which means he had a whole night of sleep and that’s also unusual. He turns gingerly onto his back and rubs his eyes, immediately wincing at the soreness. As his head begins to clear the memory of what happened last night slams into him.

 _Jensen_.

Jensen was here and had made dinner for them. They were about to watch a movie when Jared’s useless body betrayed him and that fucking back pain hit with the world’s worst timing.

He had thought inviting Jensen over was a good idea at first. Chad had decided to finally tell him he was going out with Danneel, which Jared totally did not see coming. Apparently spending time at the hospital together after Jared’s overdose had brought them together and Chad had asked her out. It came as a shock to Jared; he didn’t want to lose Danneel if Chad ended up being a jerk to her. They had finally started to get along after everything that had happened and Chad promised Jared that his intentions were good.

Chad had asked Jared if it was okay for him to spend the night out, he didn’t want to leave Jared completely alone. He’d even suggested asking one of their friends to come spend the night but Jared refused. He didn’t need a babysitter and he had to start learning how to deal with things on his own. Surely one night alone wouldn’t kill him. Plus, he had the AA meeting to look forward to - with Jensen’s company - and thought he could suggest to Jensen that they come back to Jared’s place afterwards for pizza or something. Jared really enjoyed spending time with Jensen, if they could do it in his own home where other people wouldn’t stare at him, even better. Jensen had been on board with the plan, so it was all good.

Of course that’s when things had gone to shit. Jared had been in immense pain and he’d had to ask Jensen to help him. He wanted to keep his walls in place, he tried to be strong but Jensen was right there and so close, and Jared was tired. Tired of hiding and hurting and putting on a good front. It started with the hardest admission, his overdose. The urge to get it all off of his chest overcame him after that. He was sure if he didn’t he would end up suffocating. So he told Jensen almost everything that had happened to him and he had fucking sobbed like a baby right on Jensen’s chest.

Jared hadn’t really let himself cry good and hard over anything that happened to him since September 11th. Instead he had decided to swallow everything down and pretend it was all okay. He never realized how keeping all of that inside was hurting him even more. Well, if the amount of alcohol he’d begun drinking had been any indicator, he should have known better. The walls of protection he’d built had grown so tall and wide around him, there was no getting past them. What he’d created for protection became a place where his cocoon of safety and comfort turned to fear and darkness. He’d shut himself off from feeling anything and gotten lost along the way.

To keep up appearances he had learned how to pretend everything was going well. It had worked for a while, until it didn’t. Hence the overdose. And then Jensen came back into his life and everything changed again. In a short amount of time Jensen had unknowingly started to chip his way through those walls with surprisingly little effort and Jared started to feel again. It was terrifying. And now, now Jared had humiliated himself by having a meltdown in front of Jensen. _On_ Jensen. He doesn’t even want to imagine what Jensen must be thinking right now.

That Jared is weak, probably.

And since Jared doesn’t remember what happened after that, he probably fell asleep on Jensen as well, who probably put him to bed. _God_. Things had actually been going well with Jensen, but no, Jared had to go and screw everything up. He wonders if Jensen will even want to go to the next AA meeting with him.

A thought occurs to him and quickly Jared checks the mattress with his hands, letting out a relieved breath when he realizes it’s dry. He didn’t have the chance to go through his nightly routine and he’s fucking thankful that he took his time to go to the bathroom to empty his bladder when he arrived home. Peeing himself would have been the icing on the cake.

Amidst his rampant thoughts one stands out above the rest and it’s hard for him to miss. Even if he feels ashamed by breaking down in front of Jensen, he does feels better. The pressing weight he’s felt on his chest for months is gone. He can freely take a deep breath and amazingly, Jared feels lighter. He just wishes Jensen wasn’t the one who had to witness all of that.

Jared slowly sits up and transfers to his wheelchair. Wait - his wheelchair is here. Jensen carried Jared to his room and was thoughtful enough to bring his chair too before he left, knowing Jared would need it. That thought makes Jared feel strangely warm inside.

He goes to the bathroom to wash his face, brush his teeth and take care of his needs. He decides to take a shower later, not even bothering to change out of the clothes he slept in. He wheels out of his room with all the intentions of going to the kitchen and getting a bite of whatever’s available to have for breakfast.

When he gets to the living room, he stops dead in his tracks at the sight before him. Jensen is lying on his couch, sleeping soundly.

_He stayed._

Jared is rooted to the spot, not quite believing what he’s seeing. Apparently there are still some tears left in him, because his eyes well up with the knowledge that Jensen stayed for him. Maybe he really cares. Or... did he think Jared couldn’t handle things by himself? Maybe Jensen thought Jared only invited him so he wasn’t alone and thought he needed to stay?

 _He cares about you, dumbass,_ his brain tells him. Jared isn’t sure he believes it. He wants to, oh does he want. Regardless of the reason, Jensen did stay and for that Jared is grateful. He decides not to wake him up, instead moving into the kitchen and changing his plans. Jensen stayed so he should have something nice for breakfast when he wakes up.

Jared makes a pot of coffee and manages to cook scrambled eggs and bacon. He wanted to make pancakes, but that’s something that needs more practice given the limitations of the chair and his versatility. Maybe he can work on it, he thinks; next time he will make pancakes for Jensen.

Yeah right, like Jensen will likely stay over again.

Jared forces his mind to focus on the task at hand, finishing the cooking and arranging the eggs and bacon on plates. Balancing them carefully on his lap, Jared wheels to the table in the living room and places the dishes on it. When he turns around with the intention of waking Jensen up, he finds him sitting on the couch, eyes closed shut and stretching his arms out and over his head. He can’t help but smile at the scene, Jensen is pretty adorable when waking up.

“Morning!” Jared says brightly, unable to keep the smile off his face. The strange affects Jensen has on him, he thinks.

Jensen half opens one eye and looks at Jared before a grumbled, “Morn’.”

Jared chuckles. Jensen is definitely grumpy in the morning. “I just made something for breakfast. If you want to hit the bathroom first, the coffee is ready too.”

At the mention of coffee, Jensen’s other eye opens. “I’ll be right back,” he says, getting up from the couch and walking barefoot to the bathroom, his head hanging low. He’s obviously one of those people who only truly wake up after coffee, which Jared finds that endearing.

Without further thought, Jared goes back to the kitchen and pours a mug of coffee for Jensen, before realizing he can’t take it to the table without the hot liquid sloshing all over himself, no matter how he carries it. He really hates that he can’t use his hands to carry everything, needing them to wheel himself. Why does everything have to be such a huge task? For a moment the dark thoughts try to creep in again. It’s frustrating as hell to not even be able to set the table for breakfast when it should be so easy. He leaves Jensen’s mug on the counter and pours another one for himself.

Moments later Jared hears the bathroom door opening and Jensen’s footsteps heading back to the living room. He shakes off the cloudy mood, plastering a smile on his face like he has conditioned himself to do. Only this time, when he sees Jensen smiling shyly at him, bedhead hair sticking up in all directions, he realizes his own smile isn’t a fake one at all. He picks up the mug from the counter and offers it to Jensen, who reaches out with a grateful smile. When their fingers brush Jared’s skin tingles and again he feels warm inside.

“Thanks,” Jensen murmurs and takes a sip. “Oh, much better now.”

Jared laughs softly. “Come on, I made eggs and bacon. Have a seat and I’ll get the rest of the stuff from the kitchen.”

Instead of sitting down though, Jensen follows behind Jared. “I’ll help you.”

Jared doesn’t feel comfortable when people help him like they think he can’t do stuff on his own. With Jensen, it comes across differently; they’re equals and it’s not about pity. Obviously Jared won’t be able to carry everything at once and they’re both going to enjoy the meal, so lending a hand to grab what’s needed is appreciated. Jensen tops off their coffees and they take everything over to the table.

They settle down at the little table to eat and when Jensen takes the first bite, he lets out a happy noise.

“These are awesome, Jared!”

Jared blushes and lowers his head. “Thanks.”

They eat in silence and when they are done the silence stretches and Jared knows they have to get it out of the way.

“So… I’m sorry about last night,” Jared starts, unable to look into Jensen’s eyes.

Jensen cocks his head to the side. “What are you apologizing for?”

“For having a breakdown on you,” Jared shrugs. “Guess I let my emotions get the best of me.”

Jensen reaches out and grabs Jared’s forearm, prompting Jared to look up at him. “You don’t need to apologize, Jay. It really felt like you needed that release and I’m glad you trusted me enough to open up to me. I’m your friend and that’s what I’m here for.”

Jared notices Jensen just called him _Jay_ for the first time, maybe without even realizing it. That, added to the warmth of his hand on Jared’s skin, makes him give Jensen a small smile.

“Thanks for staying the night.”

At that, Jensen grins back. “I didn’t want to leave you alone. Not that I think you can’t handle things by yourself but after last night’s events I just thought you could use a friendly face when you woke up. And I wanted to stay, too. Your couch is actually very comfortable.”

Jared’s smile grows and the warmth he feels spreads. Jensen is proving to be a very good friend and Jared is glad to have him. He doesn’t know what comes next but he sure as hell knows he doesn’t want Jensen to leave.

It seems Jensen doesn’t want to leave either as he withdraws his hand from Jared’s arm but leans in closer.

“So… I guess we still have a lot to talk about. Now that we finally started, we should get it all out there.”

Jared feels nervous and the smile slips off his face. He knows Jensen is right. This talk is already long overdue; Jared had managed to postpone it as much as he could, but in order to move forward they have to work through it. Jared shared a big chunk of himself last night but he knows Jensen has his own story to tell. He has no idea how Jensen managed to get out of the building or what led to him attending the AA meetings himself. When they’d met Jared remembers Jensen being a beer man, not the hard stuff. Jared finds that he actually _wants_ to know all of this. And he wants to share other things about himself with Jensen now that he knows Jensen is willing to listen. So he agrees and the smile on his face is genuine.

“Fair enough.”

Jensen mirrors Jared’s smile. “Good. I have an idea, actually. It’s Sunday and beautiful outside. What do you say we go spend the day out at Central Park? It’s a much better place to talk, I think. The fresh air and sunshine will do us both good.”

And there slides the smile off of Jared’s face again. “You want to go to Central Park? I… I don’t think I can, I…”

Jared feels terrified with the idea, anxiousness setting in as rational thought shuts down. Jensen understands what’s happening - maybe had anticipated it - and calmly reaches for Jared’s arm again, speaking firmly.

“Jay, I know you’re internally freaking out, just hear me out ok? I have no idea how it must be for you, being the center of unwanted attention like you’ve said before. But going back to Manhattan is not easy for me either and believe it or not, I don’t like being among too many people these days myself. The park is big and open though, easy to just go about our own business, really. I thought we could do this together. I can’t promise people won’t look at you but you can’t stay inside and hide forever. You’re already going to the AA meetings and spending time among strangers and that’s a huge step. It’s not gonna be easy for us but I thought we doing this would be a next step, so we can try and start to heal, bit by bit. Just a nice Sunday at the park together, we can do this. I had promised you I won’t leave your side if you don’t want me to and I will keep that promise. What do you say?”

Jared contemplates Jensen’s words. He’s right, Jared feels very uncomfortable when he’s surrounded by people because they stare at him. He’s also right when he says Jared can’t stay hidden inside forever. He actually hates being cooped up all the time and he’s been letting the embarrassment of being seen in a wheelchair win. He misses going out and spending time in the sun, especially now that it’s summertime. Going back to Manhattan will be hard. Jared hasn’t been back since the failed attempt to visit his fire station and he’s afraid. He remembers how Chad had asked him to go to Central Park a few times to have a hot dog and try to get Jared out of the house for a while, he had always refused. Now it’s Jensen asking and truth be told, he would love nothing more than to spend a good Sunday at the park with Jensen, even if there will be people there staring at him. Plus Jensen is right, Central Park is huge and they can easily still avoid huge groups of people. Jared squares his shoulders and looks up to make eye contact. He can do this and he wants to do this. With Jensen.

“I guess we’re going to Central Park then.”

Jensen throws his arms up in victory, beaming from ear to ear. “Awesome Jay! So what do you say we clean up here, I’ll go to my place to take a shower, grab some stuff and my car while you get ready too and I’ll meet you back here?”

Jared is still afraid, but there’s a glimmer of something else growing inside him, something that Jensen is directly responsible for. It’s still a weak feeling, but it’s there. Jared feels hope.


	14. Chapter 14

 

_**Jared** _

After Jensen leaves, Jared takes a shower and tries to decide what to wear. Before his injury if he was going to Central Park on a sunny Sunday, he’d go for shorts and flip flops for sure, maybe even a tank top. Now though, he picks out a well worn and comfortable pair of jeans, a blue t-shirt and his sneakers. Despite the hot weather Jared adds a lightweight beanie. He just can’t go outside without it, he feels even more vulnerable. It’s illogical, he’s well aware, but he feels a tiny bit safer wearing it.

Jared texts Chad letting his friend know he’s spending the day out with Jensen. He only gets an _AMEN_ in return, which makes him chuckle. Soon enough, the doorbell rings. Jensen is wearing shorts himself, along with an olive green t-shirt, sneakers and a baseball cap. He looks good, and if he wonders why Jared is wearing jeans and a beanie in such weather, he doesn’t ask. Instead he smiles at Jared as if he’s truly happy to see him, like they hadn’t just parted ways an hour ago.

“Ready?”

Jared grabs his phone, keys and wallet from the entryway table before rolling out.

“Let’s go.”

Jensen has parked his car in the driveway as near to the ramp as he can get. He opens the passenger door for Jared, who wheels close to the car.

“Do you need help?” Jensen asks. Jared is glad Jensen is kind enough to ask instead of just assuming he must need assistance. It shows again that Jensen respects him and endears him to Jared a bit more. He shakes his head.

“I’ve got it, but thanks.”

Jared still hasn’t mastered the ability of transferring from the chair to the car seat, that’s the most tricky part for him, so he’s a little slow. Jensen waits patiently by his side as he finally manages to accommodate himself on the seat and adjust his legs inside the car. Jared grabs his backpack from the chair handle and proceeds to show Jensen how to take the wheels off of it and lower the backrest so everything will fit in the trunk.

Once that’s taken care of Jensen joins Jared in the car and turns to him. Jared can tell he’s nervous too, so Jared summons his inner strength and gives Jensen an encouraging smile.

“It will be okay, Jen.”

The nickname makes Jensen smile back. He nods and starts the car. As he drives down the street towards the freeway, Jared takes a CD out of his backpack and inserts it in the stereo. Green Day starts playing and Jensen’s eyes light up.

“I should have figured!”

Jared had chosen their last CD _Warning_ , which he particularly loves. “We need to keep up the _Educating Jensen on Green Day_ plan. So shut up and listen.”

“Do you ever listen to something else?” Jensen tries to sound annoyed and fails, making Jared laugh.

“Sometimes I do! There are other cool bands, it’s just that Green Day is the best of all!”

“Have you ever gone to a concert?”

Jared rolls his shoulders, suddenly serious. “Not really, never had the opportunity. I wanted to go to one back in Texas but my mom got sick and all the spare money we had went to her meds. Then Chad and I were planning to go to the one in New Jersey scheduled for last November. I was still in rehab after the attack and you know the rest. Now…” Embarrassed, he looks out of the window. “Well, guess it wasn’t meant to be for me to see them live. That’s okay.”

They keep in silence for a while as Jensen drives through Queens, with Jared lost in his thoughts. When _Church on Sunday_ starts, Jensen breaks the stillness.

“This song is cool!”

Those words pull Jared out of his funk as he turns around, dimples on display, huge grin on his face. He turns up the volume a bit. “Dude! All the songs on this album are amazing! Can you believe this album didn’t sell well? I think it’s so awesome, you’re gonna see! There will be time to listen to the rest of them on the way.”

Jared spends almost all the ride to Manhattan talking about each song. It’s not only because he’s excited about his favorite band, it’s also a way to help them shake off their nerves. When they finally arrive on the island Jared still feels anxious. He looks to his side and sees Jensen with a slightly pinched face. If anyone understands what he’s feeling to some extent it’s him. It helps that he’s not alone.

Jensen drives them to the Upper East Side, far away from the place they know to avoid without even discussing it. He finds a parking space surprisingly easy and proceeds to assemble Jared’s chair on the sidewalk.

“Are you sure this will hold?” Jensen asks, eyeing the chair with a frown.

“I’m sure it’s fine, Jensen,” Jared says with a chuckle, preparing to transfer from the car.

“No, wait.” Jensen holds up a hand and sits down on Jared’s chair bouncing up and down a few times, to make sure he’s set it up correctly. Once he’s convinced it’s safe, he gets up and moves it closer to the door so Jared can move to it. It strikes Jared again how normal Jensen treats him, not even batting an eye dealing with his chair. That he even sat on it, when most people would be weirded out. He smiles fondly at Jensen.

“Thanks.” He settles himself in and together they make their way to the park. Jensen has a backpack with him and Jared briefly wonders what’s in it, but doesn’t ask. Jared has one of his own too, but he’s sure Jensen’s doesn’t contain the same sort of items. Once they begin to see lots of greenery Jared lets out a small breath, just taking it in. If he’s honest with himself, he has missed Central Park. He used to come here several times a week before work to run for a few miles. Sometimes he’d chill on the grass for awhile watching the world go by if his shift ended early. He feels nostalgic and a bit sad knowing that is over now.

Again, he looks sideways and Jensen is still there next to him, a hesitant smile on his face. Jared pushes the memories away and revels in the moment. Jensen places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes, both of them gazing at each other. It’s nice to be here and a big achievement for both of them. They head down the street without any hurry, a few people look at Jared but he tries not to mind too much - there’s so many other good things to focus on. The park is beautiful, it’s a summer Sunday and right now everything feels perfect. Something reminds Jared of Danneel’s words to him as he starts to comprehend them. So many people are gone forever, people who would have given anything to be here, enjoying this summer day. Jared has a feeling they would give even their legs for that. And Jared _is_ here today, he’s alive and most important of all to him, so is Jensen and they’re both here together. Maybe, just _maybe_ , that light at the end of the tunnel is becoming slightly brighter. There’s still a very long way to go, but Jared is sure he’s one step - or wheel - further in the right direction.

*

After an hour of wandering around the park, they find a hot dog cart and each of them order one New York style with mustard and onions, adding a couple Cokes. They find an empty bench nearby and settle down to eat, Jared parking his chair in front of Jensen, a bit of space between them so their knees don’t quite touch. Jared takes a bite of his hot dog and downs it with some Coke before clearing his throat. They’ve postponed their continued conversation for a while, staying on safe topics but it has to start eventually, better to just rip the bandaid off now.

“Can I ask?”

Jensen puts down his Coke and eyes Jared. It’s clear what the subject is.

“Shoot.”

“How did you get out of the tower?” Jared bites his lip, it’s gonna be a tough subject and he doesn’t want to ruin the beauty of the day, however they had agreed to talk about it.

Jensen looks at Jared in deep thought before answering. “Not long after you left I was growing more desperate and thinking you couldn’t find your way back for some reason. I couldn’t get my foot out of the damn hole myself no matter how I tried. In the middle of my freaking out a guy was walking apart from the crowd - he was a worker in the building or something. Anyway he jumped inside the hole, managed to get me unstuck and pulled me out. Then he told me to follow him and I ran and ran… all I could see or smell was thick smoke and dust. I had no idea where I was going, I was just blindly following the disappearing footsteps in front of me. Eventually I exited the building and kept on running, the dust cloud was engulfing me, I think it was during the moment the South Tower fell. I guess I managed to run a couple blocks or so, I couldn’t breath, my lungs were on fire from all the dust and smoke, my head was spinning and I was so dizzy. Eventually an officer found me and I think I collapsed on him. Next thing I know, I was at a hospital wing feeling like there was a pound of sand in each of my lungs.”

Jensen plays with the napkin as he finishes talking, remembering each detail in overwhelming clarity.

“God, Jensen. That must have been horrific.”

Jensen bobs his head up and down slowly, giving himself a few moments before continuing. “Yeah… my head got a bit screwed up after that. I developed PTSD and was also diagnosed with survivor’s guilt, like I needed a therapist to tell me _that_. The thing is Jay, I wasn’t supposed to have survived. The plane directly hit the office I worked in. Ten minutes before that, I went down to the 30th floor to our other office. My boss was going to go and I offered to go instead. Everyone died in my office and I survived. Add to that, thinking you were dead too and I was still here somehow. It became unbearable to me at some point. And afterwards I learned the hard way that I can’t go up an elevator or stairs in a high building or I’ll have an extreme panic attack. Everything started to bubble and build up inside, I was always feeling overwhelmed and heartbroken to the point where I started drinking. Alcohol was the only thing to take the edge off, soften the edges and helped to forget. My dependence on it eventually became too much. I missed a job interview and Chris convinced me to get the help I really needed. That’s how I ended up at the AA meetings. And that’s basically my story.” Jensen takes a deep breath when he finishes.

Jared lets Jensen’s tale sink in, quietly mulling over it all and letting him take a breather. What Jensen faced that day, then finding out he’s the only survivor among all his coworkers, all because he literally took someone else’s place. Add in the PTSD from the things he must have gone through while trying to get downstairs and finally to safety and Jared can empathize with how Jensen tried to cope.

“I’m sorry that happened to you, Jen.”

Jensen looks up at Jared, his face in a sad grimace. “A lot of people had it way worse.”

Jared reaches out and covers Jensen’s hand with his own. “That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to hurt. Right?”

Jensen quietly agrees and looks down again, his eyes suspiciously shining, but he doesn’t say anything else. They finish their hot dogs and drinks in mutual silence, both lost in their thoughts.

*

They throw away their trash and head to the Great Lawn. Jared needs to work harder to wheel through the grass, having to balance on his back wheels a few times as to not get his casters stuck, but he manages. Jensen watches him closely, ready to help if needed but staying hands off. Jared is again appreciative that Jensen doesn’t step in and automatically try to help. Since the sun is high in the sky, Jensen directs them towards a shady tree so they can protect themselves under it. He takes the backpack off his shoulders and turns to Jared.

“I brought a blanket, what do you say we lie down for a bit on it and just chill?”

Jared watches nervously as Jensen takes the blanket out of the backpack. He wants nothing more than to lie down on the grass with Jensen for a while. It’s a relatively empty corner of the lawn and the fresh air and sunshine is really nice, there’s just one problem.

“I don’t…” He starts apprehensively, avoiding Jensen’s bright green gaze. “I’m not sure I can get from the chair to the ground and back up yet. Haven’t mastered those moves.”

Jensen crouches down next to Jared and looks up at him. “Jay, I can help you, if you’re okay with that. I don’t mind at all.”

Jared studies Jensen carefully as he has an inner debate. On one hand, he doesn’t like when people try to help him, it makes him feel even more like an invalid for depending on others. On the other hand, Jensen has never shown anything but sincere kindness to him, not once making Jared feel incapable in any way. His offer to help Jared is genuine, coming from a place of respect. He just wants to lie down on the grass together to chill for a bit and since Jared himself admitted he can’t do it, Jensen has offered. So he finally relents.

“Okay. You can help me.”

Jensen smiles in relief, knowing Jared was struggling with the decision to accept help. He gets up and lies the blanket on the grass, right next to the tree. Then Jared moves his feet to the blanket and instructs Jensen on the best way to pick him up, which is very similar to what Jensen did last night by placing his forearms under Jared’s armpits and hoisting him out of the chair onto the ground. Once Jared is on the blanket, he places one arm behind him for support and adjusts his legs with the other. Jensen sits down next to him and takes a sweatshirt out of the backpack.

“Gonna put this here so you can use it as a pillow, ‘kay?” Jensen says while he arranges it on the blanket, then proceeds to use the backpack itself as his own pillow. Both of them lie down side by side and when Jared looks up at the sky, he feels suffused with happiness. He places both hands behind his head and closes his eyes for a second, just allowing the warmth of the day to wash over him. He has felt cold for so long, like being trapped in an endless winter. Having the sun bright in the sky shining down feels terrific.

Jared opens his eyes and turns his head to the side, finding Jensen staring at him.

“What?” He asks, half amused, half embarrassed.

“Nothing, I just… it’s good that we’re here.”

“That it is, ” Jared answers, being completely honest.

“You know what?” Jensen says, turning on his side and propping his head up on one elbow to get a better look at Jared’s face. “We’ve been through alot together and have been hanging out for a while, but surprisingly I don’t know your last name! That’s unacceptable!”

Jared chuckles and extends his hand to Jensen. “Nice to meet you, I’m Jared Tristan Padalecki.”

Jensen raises his eyebrows as he takes Jared’s hand. “Whoa, that’s an impressive last name. Padalecki. Hm, nice. By the way, I’m Jensen Ross Ackles.”

“Lovely name as well. Mine is polish. I like it, it’s kinda unique.”

Jensen gives him a meaningful look as he lets go of Jared’s hand. “That it is.”

They enjoy the quiet between them for a bit and then Jensen clears his throat. “So, uh… what was that pain you had last night? I assumed it’s not the first time that it happened, since you have meds for it.”

Jared licks his lips; they are clearly not done talking about the heavy stuff and while Jared would feel uncomfortable talking about his problems to most people, it’s Jensen asking and he has earned the right to ask. And again, Jared _wants_ to share things with Jensen, as much as he wants Jensen to share things about his own life with him.

“It’s called neuropathic pain. It can happen to a person who has a spinal cord injury or SCI. Something about the nerves at the injured area miscommunicating with the brain which triggers pain. It’s a bitch because it’s all between the brain and nerves, not actually the injury itself. It feels like intense burning which actually isn't happening. The pain is real, obviously. The condition is unpredictable and hard to treat because of that. I take pills to help, there’s not a cure per se. It can be managed and possibly will go away eventually. As you discovered, it can hit at the most random time with no warning.”

Jensen bites the inside of his cheek. “Looks pretty awful from what I could see last night.”

Jared huffs. “It is.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything for a minute and then his gaze travels to a point behind Jared. “Is it… is it permanent?” When Jared follows his line of sight, he can see Jensen is looking at his wheelchair.

Jared’s lips tighten when he makes eye contact with Jensen again. “I have a complete injury on my vertebrae at my waist level, which means no signal can pass from my brain to my legs, leaving them paralyzed. I can’t feel or move anything below my waist. They did a surgery to remove broken parts of my vertebrae and inserted a titanium plate on my spine to stabilize it. There’s no cure for paraplegia, especially with a complete injury like mine. Which means yes, it’s permanent. I'll never walk again.”

Jared feels tears burning behind his eyes but he keeps his gaze on Jensen, finding oddly that it helps. Jensen is looking back at him just as intensely, not with pity but sympathy.

“It’s not fair this happened to you.”

Jared scoffs, his chest tightening and he feels that urge to let it all out again. He knows once he has started, he won’t be able to stop. “I almost died, more than once. When the beam fell on me, afterwards at the hospital they lost me on the table twice. Then again when I OD’ed. And I’m still here. More often than not, I think it would be so much easier, you know? Not feeling any pain, not suffering. I always wonder why I'm still here, what’s the point? Why me? It’s hard to come up with an answer that makes any kind of sense. When I have to wake up every morning to realize I depend on a wheelchair to even go to the bathroom, where even taking a piss is a struggle, I can’t fathom what the point is. It’s not only not being able to walk, Jensen. There are a lot of other things that come with my paralysis that I have to deal with on a daily basis and people have no idea. I know, I _know_ that a lot of people died and I should be grateful that I’m still here, but it’s damn hard to get there.

“And it could have been a lot worse. While I was still at the hospital doing rehabilitation, I met people who were quadriplegics, they have all four limbs affected on different levels. Some of them need help with absolutely everything. I have full use of my arms, so I know it could have been much, much worse if my injury was any higher up on my spine, but still. When everyday's a battle and people look at me as if I’m a half person... I’m still here yeah, often wishing I wasn’t.”

Tears are streaming down the side of his face and Jensen’s eyes are wet too. Jensen reaches out and wipes Jared’s tears with his thumb. When he speaks, his voice is hoarse.

“I don’t know what to say, Jay. I can’t even begin to imagine your daily anguish and struggles. I wish so much I could have been there for you from the get go. I really am sorry that this happened to you, but I am not sorry that you’re still here. I’m here for you now. I’ll do everything I can to at least try and make things better. I know I can’t offer much but I’m with you.”

Jared smiles through his tears. Jensen has no idea how much he has already done. “One of the hardest parts in all of this was thinking you were dead. I know we barely knew each other, but it hurt so damn much to think you were gone when I felt like I’d connected so well with you. If I had the option to choose in having you here or having my legs working, I would gladly choose the wheelchair. And against all odds you are here, which is already making things better. So, I guess what I’m saying is, thanks for being here. For being with me.”

Jared feels his cheeks burning with his admission, but he doesn’t mind. Jensen gives him a teary smile too, his eyes crinkling delightfully. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Comfortable silence hangs between them while they take it all in, resting in the shade under the tree, slight breeze blowing across them.

“So…” Jensen starts. Jared, who had been staring at the sky, turns his head to face him. “You said you have to deal with a lot of things that come with your paraplegia. Want to tell me about it?”

Jared frowns. “Do you really want to know?”

Jensen leans over a fraction closer to Jared. “Sure I do. It’s a part of who you are now, and I want to know all about you.”

Jared stares at him, dumbstruck. He never thought someone would actually be interested in hearing about that aspect of his life, but Jensen’s face shows true curiosity, that he’s not only asking for Jared’s sake. How is Jensen even real?

So, Jared takes a deep breath and tells Jensen more about his disability: what it means to have a complete spinal cord injury, how his body functions now and all the things he has to do differently. He leaves out the gross details about his bladder and bowel schedule and how his penis doesn’t respond as far as intimate acts go. He does _not_ want to talk to Jensen about that and thankfully, Jensen doesn’t ask. Jared does talks openly as Jensen asks whatever he wants to know. It feels good to share all of this with him, to realize he’s really invested in learning about Jared.

“Where do your sensations end?” Jensen asks.

Jared takes Jensen’s hand and places one finger on the area right above his navel. “Here, I can feel.” Then he moves Jensen’s finger an inch down past the belly button. “Here, I can’t feel anything.”

“What is that like?” Jensen wonders, keeping his hand in place on top of Jared’s shirt.

“Weird. Like half of my body isn’t there or they’ve attached another’s body to mine that can’t quite acclimate. It’s very strange to see my legs and not feel any sensation. I don’t know if I will ever get used to that.”

“Thanks for sharing all of this with me. Also, I want to apologize in advance in case I do or say the wrong thing. I’ve never been close to someone who was paraplegic. Just correct me if I do, okay? I don’t want to offend or make you feel badly in any way.”

Jared chuckles, “Thank _you_ for that. I’m the first paralyzed person I’m close to as well. I guess we’ll learn as we go. As long as you see me for me and treat me as more than just a wheelchair, we’ll be fine. And you’ve been doing great so far.”

“Good to know,” Jensen whispers as he reluctantly pulls his hand back.

Jared feels even lighter for having opened up to Jensen further. In return, Jensen relates more about himself. He narrates his experience having his panic attack when he went to the interview in Manhattan, his fear and inability to deal with crowds anymore, how he succumbed to alcoholism and how guilty he feels being his previous office’s lone survivor.

“Sometimes it’s so damn unbearable, Jared. One of them had just gotten married. Another had found out weeks before that he was going to be a father. There was one planning a big trip to Europe. And now they are all gone, _I’m_ still here and I don’t understand why? Why me, out of all of them? I have absolutely nothing going for me. And then, I ashamed for feeling that way, you know? So many people lost their lives, you can’t walk anymore and I’m here dwelling in my own sorrows. I’m here, alive, whole - I have no right to feel like this. My brain doesn’t get that and I keep hating myself for it.”

Jensen sniffs as the tears freely spill down his own face. Jared reaches out, placing his hand over Jensen’s.

“Jen, listen to me. We went through a huge tragedy. And that tragedy left indelible scars on us. Some scars are very obvious and visible but many aren’t. That doesn’t mean they are less valid or hurt less than the others. It doesn’t mean because you’re unharmed on the outside that you’re A-OK on the inside. You need help as much as I or anyone else that was there that day and lived to tell the tale does. I don’t want you to ever think that you can’t cry on my shoulder because you think I had it worse than you. Just like you told me you’re here for me, I’m also here for _you_.”

Jared’s words are apparently what Jensen needs to hear, because his crying intensifies. When Jared squeezes his hand, Jensen rolls into him and buries his face on Jared’s chest, placing an arm around his torso, hugging tightly. Jared hugs him back as best he can in their position on the blanket, wrapping his free arm around Jensen’s back. Their hearts are both so wounded, he’s glad they have each other to heal and lean on.

They stay like that for a good while, drawing strength from one another. The day outside is gorgeous and they are here to enjoy it. Eventually they decide it’s time to head back home and Jensen picks Jared up, depositing him carefully in his chair before folding the blanket and hoodie-turned-pillow, placing them in the backpack.

Slowly they make their way out of the park to Jensen’s car. Jared has a feeling they will be back here again soon. Once they are all settled in the car and Jensen starts the drive back home, Jared opens his backpack and takes another CD out of it. He inserts it in the player, and skips to one of the last tracks. _Good Riddance_ fills the car, and as they stop at a red light, Jensen stares at the radio.

“You know,” he starts, giving Jared a quick look before focusing on the road again. “I went to the music store a few months ago and bought this CD. I would listen to this song on repeat because it reminded me of you and how you had said it was your favorite song. It made me miss you a whole lot more and feel incredibly closer to you at the same time.”

They remain in silence as the song plays and when it ends Jared hits repeat. “I haven’t listened to this song ever since that night at the bar. I listen to Green Day a lot obviously, it helps me sometimes, but never this song again. Despite being my favorite, it reminded me of you and that night together as well, so I just couldn’t. It’s nice to listen to it again.”

They spend the rest of the ride quietly listening to music and privately musing over the events of the very emotional day. When they reach Jared’s house, Jensen gets Jared’s chair ready for him and walks him to the door. Before going inside, Jared turns to face Jensen.

“Thanks for today. And yesterday too.”

Jensen kneels down and gives Jared a tight hug. “Right back at you. “Can I call you tomorrow?”

“Damn sure you can!” Jared beams as Jensen pulls back to head towards his car, glancing back at Jared and giving a small wave.

Jared watches as Jensen drives away, a soft lingering smile on his lips. When he gets inside, Chad meets him at the living room.

“Dude, you have a fucking tan! Where have you been?”

Jared blinks up at his friend, feeling slightly embarrassed. “Uh… didn’t I tell you we went to Central Park? Don’t be mad, okay, I know you asked me to go there a few times and I said no, but I went with Jensen and…”

Chad holds up a hand, interrupting him. “Whoa, hold on! Dude, I’m just glad to hear you went there, it doesn’t matter who convinced you to go. It’s a huge thing and I’m very happy!”

Jared gives a cheesy grin. “It was a good day.”

Chad tilts his head, giving Jared a meaningful look. “That’s awesome, Jaybird. You have no idea how much. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you go take care of yourself and I’ll put on a movie for us to watch and make some popcorn? I still have to tell you all about my date with Danni!”

Jared scrunches his nose at the thought. “Ew Chad, I don’t want to hear all the down and dirty details! But yes to a movie and popcorn. I’ll be right back.”

When Jared returns, Chad is on the couch waiting for him. Jared joins his friend and grabs a handful of popcorn as Chad studies him.

“What?” Jared mumbles around a mouthful.

“You’re different,” Chad says, not a hint of joke in his voice.

Jared doesn’t reply. He knows exactly what Chad means - he feels it too. Something in him has shifted and it’s for the better.

Later when Jared is lying in his bed getting ready to sleep, his phone vibrates.

_Have good dreams! Can I stop by to say hi tomorrow after work?_

Jared gazes fondly at his phone and types yes, Jensen can absolutely stop by. He puts the phone aside and when he closes his eyes, for the first time in months, he’s actually looking forward to waking up tomorrow.

It was a very good day.

 


	15. Chapter 15

 

_**Jensen** _

It’s finally Wednesday which means there’s an AA meeting tonight and Jensen gets to see Jared. Well, he gets to see Jared again. He saw Jared throughout the weekend and also on Monday when he stopped by his house after work. Jared had just finished a physical therapy session and was clearly worn out so Jensen only stayed a little while before leaving Jared to take care of himself and get some rest. Yesterday he didn’t get to see him but they did text each other pretty much all day long.

Things became so much brighter after Jared came back into Jensen’s life. The anguish that was constantly present has dissipated. Being with Jared makes him feel lively again. He’s thankful Jared trusted him, that he let Jensen in. Sharing their stories and ongoing fears with each other reestablished a connection forged so long ago and pulled them closer. It’s been amazing to see how they simply accepted and supported each other, no judgements.

Still it is hard to see Jared in the wheelchair, not because Jensen minds, but because he can tell how much Jared is suffering and struggling. He sometimes thinks about that Jared he met all those months ago and it’s hard to imagine that just twelve hours later he would be paralyzed. Jensen can’t even begin to fathom not being able to walk anywhere and having to be dependent on a wheelchair, much less having to learn how to do every single thing differently, having people stare at you and watching others move around normally. Jensen remembers very well how passionately Jared had talked about being a firefighter, he could see how much Jared loved it and took pride in it. Having that taken from him must have been devastating on top of the heartbreak of being paralyzed. Jensen has been doing research on spinal cord injuries so he can better understand Jared’s condition and the host of complications that comes with it. He’s completely floored by how little he knew and it puts things into a new perspective.

Despite what Jared had said, that Jensen is allowed to hurt has much as he does, Jensen can’t quite agree on that. Jensen walked out of that building while Jared will be stuck in a wheelchair forever. Jensen didn’t have a single broken bone and he can’t help but think it’s damn unfair. If he could, Jensen would trade places with Jared in a heartbeat. Jared deserved to walk away unharmed that day, way more than Jensen. Since that can’t be changed, Jensen will do as he promised: be there for him and do whatever he can to help him. Jared is a changed man, however underneath all that trauma, Jensen can see glimpses of the Jared he met all those months ago and he has faith that Jared can truly smile again. An idea catches hold as Jensen remembers something. He hopes to show Jared at least a little bit how important he and his actions are, that Jensen means what he told him, that Jared is a damn hero. He’s needs to talk to Chris about it - his friend has all the connections to help pull it off.

*

At the meeting, Jared is sitting next to Jensen as usual. He’s glad everyone has already gotten used to Jared and the wheelchair so nobody stares at him anymore when they arrive. In fact, Jared often interacts with most of them, always talking to someone on coffee breaks, even if he doesn’t like to leave Jensen’s side. Jensen secretly loves that Jared feels safer when he’s around, but feels guilty about it because it means Jared is still insecure. Jensen knows people can’t resist Jared’s sweet, earnest puppy face that highlights his boyish charm. Add the wheelchair into the mix and people are drawn to him with the unconscious need to protect. Jensen knows all about that firsthand.

Today Jensen chooses to speak; he shares how things are going much better for him and he hasn’t felt the urge to drink in a while, so he’s doing well. More people speak and when Rob asks if anyone else wants to share before he ends the meeting, a hesitant hand raises on Jensen’s side. He can’t believe his eyes.

Jared has a terrified look on his face, but his hand is shyly in the air and he’s looking at Jensen, as if asking for support. Jensen gives Jared an encouraging smile and squeezes his shoulder. They nod at each other in mutual understanding before Jared faces the circle again.

Jared clears his throat and takes a few deep breaths before starting. He doesn’t look at anyone but stares down at his own lap, where his hands are fidgeting. When Jared finally speaks, he does it slowly, as if he’s choosing each word carefully, stopping every few moments to breathe and recompose himself.

“My name is Jared and I’m 25 years old. I used to be a firefighter, a damn good one. I loved my job, it was so much more than that to me, it was a career, my calling. On September 11th my unit was called to the World Trade Center. We headed there and along the way I learned that a person I cared about was inside one of the buildings. While I was there a steel beam fell from the North Tower knocking me out. I woke up in the hospital 6 days later with a lot of injuries. Almost all of them were treatable, however I also broke my back. The beam had shattered my 10th thoracic vertebrae. The doctor said I was a paraplegic, I wouldn’t walk again. On top of that, I thought the person I cared about had died that day when the towers collapsed. I had to begin a new life where I couldn’t do what I loved the most, helping people, while adjusting to having to pretty much relearn everything I knew how to do. Everything was hurting - my body, my heart, my mind. I eventually found a way to help soften the pain, because I couldn’t face my life anymore. The way that I found was the bottom of a bottle. Drinking helped for a while, it eased the pain a bit by blurring everything else. I ended up leaning on it, totally dependent. I hit a breaking point one day where every single thing became too unbearable. So I finished a bottle of pills, chasing them with a bottle of liquor. Next thing I knew I was waking up in the hospital again after an overdose.”

Jared licks his lips, his voice gone hoarse. He’s keeping in tears as he relives the emotional fallout of the last nine months. After taking a few deep breaths to recompose himself he goes on. Jensen looks on in surprise, it’s like Jared is talking to himself instead of a room full of people.

“I knew I couldn’t go on living like that. I’m not gonna lie, that decision wasn’t made for myself, but for the people who care about me. If I had had a say in it, I never would have woken up at all. My therapist said I would have to attend AA meetings even if I didn’t consider myself an alcoholic. She was emphatic and there would be more dire consequences for me if I wasn’t compliant. I didn’t want to go to a meeting, I had panic attacks just thinking about it. Not for the meeting itself per se.I didn’t want people staring at me, which they always did the few times I had left my house. I felt like a freak. I knew if I was in a room surrounded by other people they’d all stare at me because I’m different now and that’s what they do. I had to come though so I asked a friend to come with me. When I got here I actually met the person I thought I had lost that day at the WTC. It was the biggest shock of my life. I am now on a better path after getting this person back. Things still hurt, so fucking much everyday, but I feel like I can finally lift my head above water and breathe. There is the faintest light of hope which is more than I had weeks ago. I don’t see how it’s all gonna get better someday, but for now, it is a bit better. And that’s more than I ever expected.”

Jared finishes but keeps his head low, not willing to make eye contact. Jensen takes a look around, noticing a few people have tears on their faces and others are fighting them back. Even Rob’s eyes are suspiciously shiny. Jensen has tears too, he’s so proud of Jared for finally saying all of that to a room full of people. He reaches out to cover Jared’s hand with his own. Jared slowly lifts his head and turns to Jensen, his face wet. Jensen smiles at him and Jared offers him a tight smile in return. He can see that Jared is fighting to keep his emotions under control.

Rob clears his throat. “Thank you for sharing with us Jared. Feel free to share whatever you want any time you want - we’re here to support you. Keep being strong, living day by day. I’ll see all of you here again on Saturday, thank you for coming.”

As everybody starts getting up to leave Jared doesn’t move. Instead, he lowers his head again, as if silently asking not to be bothered now. Jensen can tell people want to talk to him about what he just revealed, but thankfully they sense it’s not a good time and leave him alone. Jensen is still holding Jared’s hand and Jared has his thumb looped around his fingers, so he doesn’t let go. He decides to wait until everybody is gone because it’s clear Jared wants to be alone - except for Jensen.

People walk past them, some smile kindly at Jensen and he notices they are looking at Jared again. This time it’s not with curiosity like before. They are looking at Jared with deep respect, knowing now he was a firefighter at the World Trade Center and ended up in a wheelchair because he chose to help people. Jensen wishes everyone would look at Jared like this, that everyone would know he’s a goddamn hero.

Rob is the last one to go and he squeezes Jensen’s shoulder. Trying not to disturb Jared, he leans down and whispers in Jensen’s ear.

“I’m glad you found each other again. Close everything up once you leave, will ya?”

Jensen nods and Rob finally exits, closing the door behind him, leaving only the two of them in the room.

Jared still doesn’t move, so without letting go of his hand, Jensen moves his chair and places it right beside Jared’s chair but turned around so he’s facing Jared. With his other hand Jensen gently touches his shoulder.

“Jay?”

Jared looks up slowly, his face still wet with tears. Jensen reaches out and wipes Jared’s face with his fingers. “You were awesome today Jay, talking to all of them. I’m so proud of you and you can bet they are too. Knowing what you went through, they have a whole new level of respect for you now.”

At Jensen’s words, Jared’s eyes fill up again and he nods, his throat clearly choked up and unable to speak. Jared keeps looking at him with his soft puppy dog eyes and Jensen knows what he needs. He pulls Jared towards him and wraps his arms around his body. Jared hugs him back tight and buries his face in Jensen’s shoulder. He doesn’t sob like he did the first time he opened up to Jensen, he just clings and cries silently, wetness seeping through to Jensen’s shoulder. Jensen caresses Jared’s beanie-covered head, rubbing his hand over his back, and allows Jared to cry and let all those emotions out.

They stay like that for a while, Jensen giving Jared his silent support and he hopes that’s enough. When they finally break apart Jared’s face is red and blotchy but he has a small smile, which Jensen mirrors. He wipes Jared’s face again and gets up to get both of them a glass of water which Jared gladly accepts before sitting down again.

“What do you say we wash our faces and go have a burger at that Wendy’s on the way home? I think this emotional meeting calls for a Baconator. Come on, I won’t take no for an answer!”

Jared chuckles. “‘Kay.”

Jensen smiles, feeling satisfied with a minor achievement. It’s the small steps.

*

“Chris, I need a good tattoo artist,” Jensen asks as he picks up a pizza slice from the box one day later while they’re watching TV on Jensen’s couch. Chris takes a sip of his Coke - he doesn’t have beer when Jensen’s around - and eyes his friend.

“Did you finally decide to get a tat, Jenny?”

Jensen nods, feeling his cheeks burn, watching his friend’s surprised reaction.

“What’s up, Jensen? Got something to tell me?”

So Jensen sighs and tells Chris about his tattoo idea. When he finishes, his friend stares at him for a while, studying him.

“Holy fuck Jenny, you’re so in love with Jared it’s not even funny.”

Jensen scoffs. “You’re crazy.”

Chris puts his pizza down and turns to Jensen, eyebrows raised. “Jenny, don’t even pretend. You’re head over heels in love with Jared. There are hearts in your eyes every time you talk about him, and now this tattoo idea? You’re crazy about him and you know it.”

Jensen concentrates on eating his pizza and doesn’t answer Chris, because he knows his friend is right. Jensen has been trying to deny it to himself, how Jared makes him feel. But the truth is, he likes Jared. A whole fucking lot. Every moment he spends with Jared, he likes him more and more. And it’s terrifying.

His silence must tell Chris everything he needs to know, because he only nods at the unspoken agreement. “Has he finally told you everything then?”

Jensen bobs his head, briefly telling Chris what happened to Jared to put him in the wheelchair and what he went through after.

“God Chris, Jared went through so much, and he’s so…” Jensen trails off, not being able to find the proper word to describe Jared. Amazing? Incredible? All of that and more.

Chris laughs. “Jesus Christ Jenny, you’re so gone. I have to be the asshole here and ask though. You sure it doesn’t bother you to date a dude that can’t walk?”

Jensen shrugs. “I don’t care about that, I never did. Just the fact that I have Jared in my life again is incredible. Him not being able to walk is the least important thing. But I’m not gonna think about that right now. Jared is still in a hard place, and what he needs now is a friend. That’s what I’m gonna be for him, as long as he wants me.”

Chris studies Jensen again for a while. “Just… be careful Jensen. There are a lot of emotions involved between the two of you. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Jensen takes another bite of his pizza and again, he doesn’t answer.

*

Jensen picks Jared up on Saturday morning. He had called Jared on Friday asking him if he wanted to go have lunch somewhere and hang out until they had to go to their meeting, but Jared told him he goes to the rehabilitation center on Saturday mornings for a few hours every week as a part of his treatment, and that usually Chad drops him off and picks him up when he’s done. Jensen had promptly offered to take Jared, he really wanted to see how his physical therapy was. And they could go to lunch afterwards.

“Are you gonna stay there?” Jared asks once they are in Jensen’s car, heading towards the center.

Jensen nods. “Yeah, I want to see how it all works, if that’s okay.”

“It’s okay, it’s just…” Jared shrugs. “It’s no big deal, I don’t want you to be bored, that’s all. It’s just exercises.”

“I’m not gonna be bored, I promise.”

And it turns out that Jensen finds it very interesting indeed. He sits on a corner bench as he watches the physical therapist work on Jared, helping him strengthen his whole body as well as working on his legs. Jensen realizes again how strong Jared is for going through what looks like really hard work, it looks very draining. But every time Jared’s gaze travels to where Jensen is sitting, Jared gives him a small smile, his dimples making an appearance, and Jensen returns it. God, how Jensen had missed those dimples. Getting to see a real smile with them was worth the trip alone, and he promises himself he will come with Jared as often as he can.

Jared does look thoroughly worn out when he’s done. It takes him longer to get from his chair to Jensen’s car seat, and Jensen has to physically restrain himself to fight the urge to help Jared. He knows Jared wants to be as independent as he can be, and he will ask for help if he really needs it. Or at least Jensen hopes so.

Instead of going somewhere for lunch, they stop at a drive-through for Chinese and head over to Jared’s house. Jensen had actually wanted them to go to his place so Jared could meet Chris, but Jared shyly told Jensen he couldn’t. His reasons were valid - he had to take a shower and take care of ‘personal business’ before the meeting. Jared had briefly told Jensen how his bathroom routine worked and Jensen’s bathroom was not suited for his needs. Plus, he needed a change of clothes so he had asked for a raincheck.

Jensen was bummed, not for himself but for Jared, for him not being able to just go to his friend’s house for lunch anytime he feels like it because there are a lot of new things to consider. He understands though, so they drove to Jared’s place, where they ate and hung out for a while until it was time to get ready and head to the meeting.

Jared doesn’t speak at the meeting this time but it’s clear how differently people treat him now. Jared was already interacting with some of them and now, all of them want to say hi to Jared; some tell him how brave he is, that they are hoping things get better. Jared smiles sincerely a few times, and Jensen counts that as another small victory.

*

During the next few days Jensen notices Jared is a bit different. He’s been growing quieter, much like he was when Jensen first found him. He had been doing well, bit by bit, but now it seems like he’s regressing, leaving Jensen worried. When he tries to ask Jared what’s wrong, he tells Jensen it’s nothing.

When he goes to Jared’s place to accompany him to another meeting, Chad answers the door and invites him in, telling him that Jared is finishing getting ready. Jensen follows Chad to the kitchen where he’s making a sandwich.

“Hey Chad, I was wondering…” Jensen sits at the counter and takes a quick look at Jared’s door, which is closed. He talks in a low voice. “Do you know what’s going on with Jared? It seemed like he was doing fine, well, better anyway, but over the past several days he has grown quieter. He tells me he’s okay but I’m not buying it.”

Chad finishes preparing his sandwich and turns to Jensen, taking a quick look at Jared’s door as well. “I’ve noticed that too, and even though Jaybird won’t tell me anything either, I think I know what this is about. His birthday is on Saturday. And he has always loved celebrating his birthday in style. This is the first one after the attack, the first birthday he’s spending in a wheelchair. So that’s my best guess on why Jared has been bummed lately.”

Jensen thinks about that and what he could do to make sure Jared has a nice birthday. He’s struck with an idea and he talks to Chad about it, to make sure it doesn’t completely suck. When Chad actually tells Jensen it’s a good idea, he starts thinking about arrangements and trades phones with Chad before Jared comes out of his room.

He just hopes it works.

*

On Saturday, everything is in order for Jared’s birthday surprise. Jensen picks him up as usual for their meeting together. Chad had texted Jensen to let him know he would take care of setting up while they were gone. Jared is extremely quiet on the way to the meeting and during it as well. He doesn’t mention anything to Jensen about it being his birthday, so Jensen decides to wait until the right moment.

Jensen really hopes Jared will enjoy what he and Chad have planned, that his mood improves at least a little, he hates seeing Jared sulk like this. He has another surprise for Jared too and he hopes both of them do the trick.

After the meeting, Jensen accompanies Jared home as usual. Jared still hasn’t said much, instead he concentrates on the ground as he wheels himself on the sidewalk. One block away from Jared’s house, Jensen decides it’s time to talk to him. If they get any closer, Jared will get suspicious for sure.

“Hey Jay… can we stop for a second, please?” There’s a bench along the sidewalk and Jensen motions for Jared to follow him. He’s startled for a second, and from the look on his face, he’s not too happy with the interruption, but Jared follows him to the bench anyway.

“What’s up, Jen?” mumbles Jared, clearly he can’t wait to get this over with so they can go home.

Jensen scoots closer to Jared and stares at him. “Jay, I know today is your birthday.”

Jared’s eyes widen in shock and his jaw drops, as if this is the last thing he was expecting to hear. “What? How did…”

“Chad, obviously,” Jensen interrupts him - there’s no point in lying to Jared, “I was worried because you’ve been too quiet these past few days. I asked Chad if he knew what was going on and he had a pretty good guess.”

Jared blushes and lowers his head, swallowing hard. “I just… It’s my first birthday since…” he trails off, unable to finish the sentence.

Jensen places a warm hand on Jared’s arm, and waits patiently until Jared looks up again. “I know. And I understand how hard it must be for you, given your usual plans from what I understand. That’s why I wanted to do something cool to help cheer you up, so I’ve been planning everything with Chad.”

Jared frowns, cocking his head to the side. “What did you guys do?”

“Right now, your closest friends are all gathered at your place. I took the liberty to invite Chris and Steve as well, since you had mentioned you’d like to meet them. We didn’t do anything big, Chad and I just thought it would be nice to gather some friends for a night of pizza and games. We wanted you to have a nice evening with people who care about you instead of staying locked in your bedroom in a bad mood. Plus, they really want to celebrate with you! I wanted that to be a surprise, but I thought I should talk to you before we get there, to see how you would feel about it. If you say no, I’ll call Chad right now and everybody will leave before we arrive, they’ll be sad but will understand. I don’t want to put you in a situation you don’t feel comfortable with, so it’s up to you. Whatever you decide, it’s completely okay, Jay.”

Jared is quiet for a few moments. “Who’s there?”

Jensen takes his phone out and sends a text to Chad with Jared’s question, asking him to wait a minute. The answer doesn’t take long to come, and Jensen reads the list to Jared.

“It’s Sandy, Sophia, Tom, Mike, Stephen, Danneel, Chris and Steve. Chad says Chris has his eye on Sophia and he isn’t sure how to deal with it.”

That makes Jared chuckle, and hearing his friend’s names helps encourage him a bit. He finally nods. “Okay, let’s go then.”

Jensen gives Jared a huge smile, relieved that Jared is open to the surprise party. He jumps off the bench. “Let’s hurry, I hope there’s food still left!”

Jared shakes his head and as they start making their way to Jared’s house again, he looks up at Jensen with a small smile. “Thanks, Jen.”

Instead of answering, Jensen only squeezes Jared’s shoulder and does a mental fist bump. Another step forward.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-ouxPhYy7Y&)

_**Jared** _

Jared would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous. He is, a whole lot. It’s just his friends on the other side of the door, but still. He had planned on staying locked inside today, sulking and hiding. He didn’t even want to go to the AA meeting, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell Jensen that. Plus, the bigger part of him wanted to see Jensen. But apart from that, he didn’t want to do anything. Jared had always loved celebrating his birthday, his momma would always make sure he had a great day. It had gotten difficult after losing her, but his friends, especially Chad, always did something to celebrate his special day. Jared had always been a big kid, counting down the days. Now though, he couldn’t see the point anymore. Instead of counting the days eagerly, he was dreading his birthday. It’s the first one since his life turned completely upside down, the first one where he can’t walk, and he didn’t see any reason to celebrate himself. He knew he’d become melancholy recently, and even Jensen noticed. Jared didn’t want to tell him why though, he feared Jensen would think he was being a fool. Of course, he found out anyway. And Jensen went out of his way, together with Chad, to make sure Jared would celebrate after all.

When Jensen first said everyone was waiting for him, he wanted to tell him to call Chad and send everyone home. He reconsidered it in a pang of selfish guilt, they had only done this because they wanted to give Jared a good day, plus, they were all his friends there - guaranteed friendly faces. So he gave in. Now he’s with Jensen in front of his own door, and he’s feeling nervous. His hesitation is clear on his face, because Jensen turns to him before Jared opens the door.

“You okay? You can still change your mind, it’s fine.”

Jared licks his lips and rearranges his beanie, adjusting himself in his chair, and gives Jensen a nod. “I can do it. Let’s go.”

*

As it turns out, Jared didn’t have anything to worry about. When he and Jensen enter his house, his friends come to greet and hug him, all wishing him a Happy Birthday. The part he was dreading the most was meeting Chris and Steve for the first time because they were strangers. Jensen would always talk about his friends and Jared was really curious about them, but at the same time, he still finds it hard meeting new people. They put him at ease right away, introducing themselves to Jared with warm smiles and a handshake, saying they are happy to meet him.

“I swear Jenny talks about you 24/7, I can’t get him to shut up anymore!” Chris exclaims, making Jensen turn as red as a tomato. Jared chuckles, and he feels instantly relaxed. Neither Chris or Steve stare at his chair, just treat it like a part of Jared and he’s grateful for that.

They all have a fun evening, there are a lot of board games and they spend a lot of time playing Pictionary and laughing their asses off. Tons of pizza and soda are ordered - nobody drinks alcohol and Jared thinks it’s thoughtful of them. For a few hours, Jared can just be himself, spending time with his friends and having fun like old times, and he feels normal. Every time Jared looks at Jensen, who’s sitting right next to him, he smiles at him. Instead of staying locked in his room and hiding from the world, Jensen gave him a fun night with friends, something he hasn’t had in months. Jared can’t even say how much he appreciates it.

Eventually Sandy and Sophia bring out a chocolate cake that they made and place it on the coffee table. They all sing Happy Birthday, and before he blows the candle, Jensen tells him to make a wish. Jared thinks it’s pretty obvious what he would wish for, what he wants more than anything. But before he can make his wish, his gaze fixates on Jensen, who’s looking at him with a soft smile on his face. Surprising even himself, Jared changes his wish - wishing for Jensen to stay - before blowing out the candle.

Once the party's over, everybody pitches in to help clean up the empty pizza boxes, plastic plates and cups, and freshen up the living room. Before they leave, all of his friends hug Jared again, saying how great it was to be with him. It hits Jared in the moment, how important it was for his friends to celebrate Jared’s birthday this year. Not only was it his first one in a wheelchair, it’s the first one after his friends almost lost him, twice. Jared is suddenly more glad than before that he decided to come to the party.

Chris hugs him goodbye too, and Jared is glad he came, along with Steve. They blended with Jared’s friends very well and he’s happy to have finally met them. He can see why Jensen likes them so much. Before leaving, Chris asks Jensen if he’s coming, and Jensen looks at Jared, before replying to his friend.

“You go ahead, I want to talk to Jared first.”

Jared looks up at Jensen, surprised and curious, but also happy that Jensen is staying a bit longer. He didn’t want him to leave just yet. Chris gives a small nod, studying Jensen for a few moments before leaving. Once everyone is gone, Chad announces he’s going to bed since he’s working early tomorrow.

“Good night children, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

Jared chuckles. “There isn’t much you wouldn’t do, Chaddy-o.”

“Exactly!” He answers with a smile, going to his room and leaving Jared alone with Jensen, finally. They go to the couch, and as Jensen sits down, Jared chooses to transfer to it so he can be closer to Jensen.

“Jen… thanks for doing all of this. I thought this day was gonna suck in the worst way, but you made sure it was actually good. So thank you.” Jared tries to show in his words how honest he’s being. He can’t thank Jensen enough for doing this for him.

Jensen smiles, reaching out and squeezing Jared’s forearm. “As I said, all I wanted was for you to have a good birthday with people who care about you. I’m glad it was successful. But now, I want to give you your birthday present.”

Jared frowns. “Jen, you don’t have to give me anything.” Jared wants to say that Jensen has already given him more than enough.

Jensen retrieves his hand and puts it in his pants pocket, picking something up inside of it. “There’s something that you really need to have. Actually if I’m honest about it, it’s not really my present to give.”

Jared’s frown deepens, and he cocks his head, now really curious to know what Jensen has for him. “What is it, Jen?”

Jensen slowly takes his hand out of his pocket, and with it, comes something Jared never thought he would see again, making his eyes instantly fill with tears. Jensen has Jared’s rosary in his hand, the one that belonged to Jared’s mother. Jared is thrown back to that fateful day, where he had to leave Jensen behind when everything was falling apart, and he had given him the rosary as a promise he would be back for him. He thought Jensen had lost it while trying to escape. Jared swallows hard, slowly lifting his hand and touching the piece very gently, as if afraid it will disappear from sight.

“How… I thought…” Jared swallows again, his throat closing up and he can’t finish the sentence. Jensen gets it anyway.

“I thought I had lost it too. When I finally managed to get away from the building, I realized I was still holding onto it, I did through it all. It’s like it was giving me strength to run to safety. But then I lost consciousness, and when I woke up in the hospital I remembered it. Surprisingly it was sitting on the table next to my bed. Apparently I held on to it even though I wasn’t conscious. It became my talisman, sort of. I would keep it on my nightstand and look at it every night before I went to bed. It… it kinda brought me closer to you. Every time I held it, I wished you were in a better place, that we could meet again someday. It was the only thing I had left of you.”

Jensen blushes but he doesn’t look away from Jared as he says all of this, his eyes shining, and Jared feels his heart warming up. Jensen held onto his rosary, and he kept it all this time.

“I just… I wish I was able to keep the promise I made you when I gave you this.” A tear slips down Jared’s cheek, and Jensen dries it with his thumb.

“Jay, we’ve been through this. It’s not like you chose not to go back for me. You were fighting for your own life, and I was able to escape anyway. You found me to begin with, you gave me strength to fight for my life, and I held onto this like a lifesaver. We are still here, both of us. And that’s what’s important.”

Jensen turns Jared’s hand with his palm up and places the rosary in it, closing his fingers around it.

Jared shakes his head. “No Jen… I gave it to you, you kept it safe all this time, you should keep it.”

“No, Jay. I only borrowed it, and I promised I would give it back to you when we met again. Plus… I’m already keeping it.”

Before Jared can ask what Jensen means, he starts untucking his shirt. Jared frowns, wondering what the hell he’s doing, but when his torso is bare, Jared doesn’t need to ask. On his left chest there’s a tattoo, and from the redness around it, it’s brand new. There’s a rosary inked there, and it’s exactly like the one Jared holds in his hands.

Jared’s jaw drops, he’s speechless. Jensen tattooed the rosary on his chest, over his heart. It’s a black and grey piece, very detailed and delicate. He reaches out and very gently, runs a finger over the art, hypnotized by the details.

“I can’t believe you did this.” His voice is only a whisper, and his eyes fill up again.

Jensen smiles at him. “That’s a symbol for so many things. Survival. Finding you again, against all odds. Most of all, I did this to show you how brave you are, and that I see you as nothing less than a hero. I know you don’t see yourself that way, but I will tell you every day if I have to until you can believe me. This is just a small way to show you. Ever since you came back into my life, everything is brighter and I don’t feel sad and lost all the time. You’re my hero for a lot of reasons, and I am truly thankful for the chance to share your birthday with you. So, Happy Birthday, Jay.”

Jared looks from the tattoo to Jensen’s face, holding the rosary tight in his hand, and he doesn’t know what to say. Jensen is right, he doesn’t see himself as a hero, but he’s also grateful for the opportunity to be here with Jensen today, despite everything. He just bobs his head, unable to form words, and Jensen pulls him in for a tight hug. They stay like that for a long time, just holding onto each other, Jared feeling the warmth of Jensen’s bare skin, and it feels just right. Pressed tight against Jensen like this, Jared thinks back on another life, when both of them had just exited the bar and they had shared an intimate hug. Jared had felt at home for the first time in a long time, and this is one thing that _hasn’t_ changed ever since that day.

They break apart, but not totally. Jensen keeps his hold around Jared, and suddenly their faces are only inches apart. Jared looks down at Jensen’s mouth and back at his eyes. Jensen’s pupils are dilated, and he slowly leans in. Jared wants nothing more in this world right now than to close the distance and kiss Jensen. He still remembers how it would feel, the memory from their only kiss, ages ago, still etched in his mind. If he leaned just a bit more, Jensen’s mouth is right there…

There’s an unexpected sharp pain in his back that brings Jared back to reality and makes him pull away sharply. He lets go of Jensen and using his hands, he scoots back on the couch, trying to ignore the pain for now. He licks his lips and looks down.

“Jen… we can’t do this.”

Apparently Jensen is having none of it, because he closes the distance between them again, sliding up against Jared. “Why not?” Jensen reaches out and runs the back of his index finger on Jared’s cheek. It makes Jared’s skin tingle and he closes his eyes. “I like you, Jay. I really do.”

Jared places his own hand over Jensen’s and brings it down, but he’s unable to let go of it. “You like me as your friend, but you can’t like me as anything more than that, Jensen.”

The tears Jared’s been holding back start flowing, and his gaze unconsciously lands on his wheelchair sitting next to him. God, he would give anything not to need it, if only that fucking beam had fallen ten seconds later, or if Jared had been standing a foot to the side. If only. Things could be so different. When he looks back at Jensen, Jared can see he is considering him, opening his mouth to say something, but closing it again. Jensen looks at the wheelchair himself, and back at Jared, keeping quiet for a few moments, as if lost in thought. He finally clears his throat.

“I know you’re still in a hard place right now, and words don’t help much. But I will show you how much I like you, Jay. And not only as a friend. I’ll try and make you see what I see, I promise. I will show you that if you’ll have me, I’m all yours.”

He leans in closer and places a lingering kiss on Jared’s forehead, who keeps still, squeezing Jensen’s hand as more tears fall. Then, Jensen puts his shirt back on, and gives Jared a meaningful smile.

“Good night, Jay. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Jensen gets up and squeezes Jared’s shoulders. Jared doesn’t move as he hears Jensen walking away, nor when the door silently closes after him. Jared cries harder as he replays Jensen’s words in his head, and how much he wishes they were true. He doesn’t think Jensen was lying, of course not. He’s surely just confusing his feelings. He cares about Jared certainly, he has demonstrated it countless times. But he could never _love_ him. Not with the way Jared is now. Nobody could love Jared like this, and he knows it. That ship has forever sailed for him.

Jensen could never love Jared like Jared loves Jensen. He can finally stop lying to himself and pretend it isn’t there. Jared loved Jensen even when he thought Jensen was dead. And getting him back, spending so much time with him, has only made his love grow. Jared had fallen in love with the idea of Jensen, a guy he had only met once. The memory of Jensen and what could have been took root in his own heart. But getting to know the real Jensen: loving, caring, smart, funny, sweet… how could Jared not love him? He has been trying to deny it because he knows that love equals pain in his case, but he can’t anymore.

He is completely and truly one hundred percent in love with Jensen, and he knew from the moment he allowed Jensen back into his life that it would lead to his own heartbreak. Jared wasn’t strong enough to push him away back then, and he can’t stay away from Jensen now. He knows it’s gonna hurt, and if he had allowed Jensen to kiss him, there would be no turning back. He needs Jensen in his life, Jared can’t imagine himself without Jensen anymore, but he needs to be strong to learn how to contain his feelings. If he can have Jensen as a friend, then that’s what they will be. He tries not to think about what it will be like when Jensen meets someone else. They will spend less time together he’s sure, and Jared can already feel his heart breaking into tiny pieces imagining it, seeing Jensen with someone else and eventually drifting away from Jared.

If Jared was thinking clearly, he would cut Jensen out of his life right now. While there’s still time to maybe have a small chance to recover, in a very distant future. He would tell Jensen it’s better this way, that Jared doesn’t want to hurt more than he already is. Of course he doesn’t do any of this. When Jensen calls tomorrow, Jared knows he will pick up. And he just prays he doesn’t break in too many pieces when the time does come.

He stays on the couch for a while, unable to find the strength to go to his room. He leans against the back of the couch, his eyes closed, thinking about everything, running the rosary through his fingers. Eventually, Jared hears footsteps approaching, and when he opens his eyes, Chad is sitting down right where Jensen was.

“Jaybird, what’s wrong?”

Jared turns his head to the side and stares at his friend. There’s no point in hiding things from Chad, he has always been there for Jared and deserves the truth. He sighs.

“Jensen just said he likes me.”

Jared expects Chad to be shocked, for his expression to change, but it doesn’t. Instead, he just lifts one eyebrow, completely unfazed. “Yeah.”

Jared sits up straighter on the couch, turning so he’s completely facing his friend, hoping to get the point across. “As in more than just a friend, I mean.”

Chad still doesn’t move. “Yeahhh.”

Jared’s eyes widen, and he stares at Chad exasperatedly. “What do you mean _yeah_? I just told you Jensen said he likes me, why aren’t you acting surprised?”

Chad turns his body a little more towards Jared, studying him for a few moments. “Jared.” He starts, as if he’s explaining something obvious to a 5 year old. “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand why this is a shock to you. To me it’s pretty damn obvious that Jensen carries a huge fucking torch for you.”

Seeing Jared’s confused face, Chad sighs. “Holy fuck Jared, I thought I was the bold one! First the guy manages to track me down and chased after me in Manhattan, convincing me to give him your address. Ever since, I can’t remember a single day where you two haven’t talked, and he’s always here, sometimes only to say hello after work. He does everything he can to help you, to make things easier for you and to see you happy from the things you tell me. And the way he looks at you, like the sun shines out of your ass! The way he behaves around you, like he can’t stand to be separated from you for very long. Even Danni asked me tonight if you guys are together but aren't telling people yet. I can’t believe you have doubts about his feelings for you, dude.”

Jared listens in wonder, and god how he wants to believe it. It would be so easy to accept that Jensen feels the same way about him. In another life, perhaps it would be easy indeed. Jared shakes his head. “He can’t. He may even think he likes me, but he’s confused Chad. He may even care about me as a friend, but it’ll never be more than that.” When Jared adds the next sentence, his voice lowers to a little more than a whisper. “Not like the way I feel about him.”

Chad cocks his head to the side. “Why couldn’t Jensen feel the same way about you?”

Jared lifts his eyebrows, motioning with his hand to the chair sitting next to the couch. “Isn’t it obvious? I can’t walk Chad, I come with a wheelchair attached, there’s nothing I can offer him!”

Silence hangs between them while Chad looks at Jared for a few moments. “Jaybird… I honestly don’t think Jensen cares about your wheelchair. If that mattered to him, he wouldn’t do all of this for you. Trust me, Jay.”

Jared sniffs, feeling his eyes moistening again. “How could he, Chad? Look at him. Jensen is so gorgeous and kind and smart, he could have anyone he wanted. He wants the dude he met at a bar almost a year ago and I’m not that guy anymore. There’s too much I can’t give him. If I can have him in my life as a friend, then I’ll take what I can get. I’m just thinking how fucking hard it will be when he meets someone else, to see him falling in love with another person and drifting away from me, that’s all. I’m not sure how I’m gonna deal with it when the time comes.”

Jared looks at his hands in his lap as he finishes, unable to look his friend in the eye as his tears threaten to fall again. Chad squeezes his bicep. “Jay.”

Chad waits until Jared gathers the strength to look up again. “Jay, listen to me. Depending on your choices and actions, there will never be a time where you will have to deal with that situation. Perhaps Jensen could have anyone indeed... but I’d bet anything that he wants _you_ , just as you are.”

Before Jared has a chance to reply, Chad gets up from the couch and pats his back. “Time to go to bed Jaybird, you’ve been out here for a while after a long day, you need to go take care of yourself and get some rest.”

Chad waits for Jared to get from the couch to his chair, and together they head to their rooms. Before closing his door, Chad calls out to Jared.

“Jay, please don’t screw this up. You’re not the only one who can get hurt in this.”

Jared stays up for a long time that night thinking about his conversations with both Jensen and Chad. If only things could be so simple.


	17. Chapter 17

_**Jensen** _

Jensen is anxious. It’s Thursday and he has another birthday present for Jared, which he hopes Jared likes. They have seen each other a couple of times since Saturday, for the Wednesday meeting and when Jensen stopped by to see Jared after work as usual. He can tell Jared is different, as he imagined that would happen. Jensen admitted to him how he feels about him, it wasn’t planned but he doesn’t regret it either.

It had happened so naturally. Things were at an emotional edge because of the rosary and the tattoo, and Jared was _right there_. His face was just inches away from Jensen’s, and God, how much Jensen wanted to kiss Jared. He had wanted to for a while now and in that moment, it was impossible to resist. He could tell Jared wanted it too, it was written all over his face. When he thought it would happen he held his breath to prepare, but the spell was broken by Jared pulling away. At first Jensen read it wrong and thought Jared didn’t want him back, but it didn’t take long to figure out exactly what the problem was.

Jared thinks his disability is a problem. He probably doesn’t think Jensen could love him because he can’t walk. It’s like right now, Jared can’t look past that fact and see what a beautiful man he is, inside and out. Chris is right, Jensen is so in love with Jared his heart aches. He can’t stop thinking about the man, he has to restrain himself not to spend every free moment with him. Because if it was up to Jensen, he would. He doesn’t mind one bit that Jared is paraplegic; of course he wishes he wasn’t but because of Jared himself, not him. He can see how much Jared suffers and Jensen wishes so much that he could walk again; but for _Jensen_ , it doesn’t matter. The wheelchair is just a detail that comes with Jared, and he will take it gladly if it means he gets to have him in his life, in his heart.

Jensen will do whatever it takes to prove to Jared how much he wants him and how his paraplegia and what comes with it don’t matter. Not the way Jared thinks it does. He wants to show Jared how life can be good again, and how much better he has made Jensen’s own life. Before they reconnected, Jensen was just surviving. He was battling his demons and his fucked up brain, looking for consolation in a bottle of whiskey. The AA meetings helped with that, but nothing gives Jensen life the way Jared does. It’s like something sparked inside Jensen the moment he saw Jared at that meeting. He brought back a light in Jensen that had been pretty much extinguished after September 11th. Jared was able to make Jensen smile again, he made Jensen want to get better, and gave Jensen a purpose. Jensen realizes that in trying to make Jared’s life better, he is slowly changing his own life for the better too. Things don’t look so dark anymore and it’s all Jared’s doing, even when he doesn’t do anything, when he’s just there. Jared is a natural light, even if he can’t see it in himself right now. So Jensen will try everything he can to show Jared that he’s so much more than a set of wheels, that the only reason he’s in the chair to begin with is because he’s a goddamn hero. That he’s a beautiful person who still can have a great life, and most of all, who can be truly loved.

*

Jensen arrives at Jared’s to pick him up, and his palms are sweating. He just hopes nothing goes wrong. He knocks on the door and is greeted by Chad, who invites him in. Jared is nowhere in sight, Jensen assumes he’s getting ready. He has told Jared they were going out but didn’t tell him yet what they were doing.

It’s the first time Jensen has seen Chad since Jared’s birthday, and since Jared is not around, he takes the opportunity to talk to him.

“Hey Chad, thanks for the help with the party for Jared. I think he enjoyed it.”

Chad nods. “It was my pleasure, really. Seeing Jaybird have a fun evening was awesome, so thank you for coming up with the idea. He really did enjoy it.”

Jensen nods back at him, and Chad studies him for a few moments, making Jensen feel nervous like he always does when Chad looks at him like that.

“Look Jensen…” Chad starts, but before he can finish, Jared wheels out of his room, and Jensen doesn’t find out what Chad was about to say. He turns to Jared and smiles at him, once again taken aback by how gorgeous he looks. He has light blue jeans and a dark red shirt on, and his inseparable beanie, of course. Jensen has come to the conclusion that since he wears it every time he goes outside, even when it's a hot day, it’s probably something that makes him feel safe. Jared always says how vulnerable he feels around other people, so maybe it’s his ‘security blanket’. Whatever the reason, Jensen thinks Jared looks very adorable with it.

“Hey Jay! Long time no see!” He says, trying to lighten the mood.

Jared actually chuckles, despite the fact that he’s obviously nervous as he always is now around Jensen. “Yeah, almost 24 hours, it’s a lifetime really.”

Jensen wants to say that when it comes to being away from Jared it actually is, but he just laughs instead.

“So, where are we going?” Jared asks, cocking his head to the side.

Jensen reaches into his back pocket and takes out two tickets. “I just…” Jensen can feel his cheeks burning, unsure if it’s a good idea or not. “You told me when we met that you loved baseball, and that you’re a Rangers fan, so I wanted to give you another birthday present and I got two tickets for the game tonight. The Yankees are playing the Rangers at Yankee Stadium. Thought that maybe you’d like to go.”

Jensen shrugs, waiting for Jared’s answer. He wasn’t sure about this, he saw the game announced on TV a few days ago and thought he could bring Jared. It’s gonna be hard for Jensen himself and his fear of crowds, but he thinks he can deal with it for Jared. That’s why they are going very early to the game, so they can avoid the crowds and get settled in peace. Jared seems to consider Jensen’s offer for a few moments, looking unsure himself. It’s a big challenge for them both. Finally he nods, giving Jensen a hesitant smile.

“Sure, I think I’d like to go. Haven’t seen a game in a long time, so thanks for thinking of me.”

Jensen lets out a held breath, and smiles back at Jared. “Great. Let’s go then so we can get there early.”

Before leaving, Jensen asks Jared if he has a parking permit, so they can use the handicap space at the stadium parking lot, and Chad gets it for Jensen since he keeps it in his car.

Once they are settled in the car, Jared turns to him and he looks as nervous as Jensen feels. “Jen… are you sure I can go to the stadium? You know…”

Jared motions at his legs, and Jensen nods. “Don’t worry. They have special seatings with a space for your wheelchair, and I got the seat next to it. And the whole stadium is accessible, so we’ll be fine.”

Jared seems to relax at that, and Jensen finally starts the car and drives them to the Bronx.

*

When they arrive at the stadium, it’s blessedly not too full yet, and they can make their way to their seats in peace. Jensen has given some serious thought to the seating arrangements, and chose field level for a simple reason. If they sat at a higher level, they wouldn’t be able to take the escalators because of Jared’s chair, and there’s no way Jensen is going inside an elevator anytime soon if he can help it. Plus, if they were up higher, it would be harder to leave the stadium in the case of an emergency. Jensen wants to be as close to the exit as he possibly can, thanks very much.

They finally get settled in their reserved area. Jensen’s seat has an empty space right next to it where Jared can park his chair. He looks nervous, but when Jensen asks if he’s okay, Jared smiles and nods. The game starts, and things go smoothly until at some point, it all falls apart. Jensen is constantly paying attention to Jared, making sure he’s doing okay while he tries to enjoy the game. The Rangers are beating the Yankees; they’ve hit two home runs so far while the Yankees have nothing. Jared has been watching it intently, he had timidly cheered on the first home run, but Jensen has noticed how his excitement decreased with the second one. Jared looks anxious, as if he’s uncomfortable in his own skin. Jensen observes Jared as he watches the game with a distressed look on his face. He looks at the crowd and back at himself repeatedly, as if it pains him to see it. Jared swallows hard a few times, one hand gripping his wheel, blinking hard as if he’s trying not to cry, he looks down and away from the game as the Yankees hit their first home run and the home crowd cheers. He’s biting his lip and twisting the hem of his shirt with his fingers. It suddenly hits Jensen like a ton of bricks, and he has never felt more like a jerk in his whole life. Jared loved playing baseball but now he can’t. And Jensen brought him here to see all the guys running around, showing Jared exactly what he can’t do anymore.

Jensen couldn’t be more of an idiot if he tried. Kicking himself mentally, he turns to Jared and gently touches his hand, which is moist with sweat. “Jay?”

Jared looks up at him and his eyes are shining. “Jensen, can I get out of here please? If you want to stay and watch the rest it’s fine, can I just wait somewhere else?”

Jared has never looked more like a puppy dog who has been kicked over and over, and Jensen feels more and more like the biggest jerk ever. He gets up, placing a hand on Jared’s shoulder and leaning down to be on his eye level. “Let’s go home, okay?”

Jared nods, fighting to keep his tears at bay. “‘M sorry.”

Jensen shakes his head. “Nothing for you to be sorry for. Let’s go.”

They get out of the stadium in silence, and that’s how the ride home goes as well.

Jared doesn’t say a single word as Jensen drives them back home, he just stares out of the window and pretends he’s not crying, but Jensen can hear him sniffing from time to time and wiping a few tears from his face. Jensen curses himself during the whole ride for thinking this could be a good idea. He should have known better. He had wanted to show Jared how he can still enjoy life and the things he loved, but he ended up doing the exact opposite. Asshole.

They finally arrive at Jared’s place, and when Jensen parks the car, he turns to Jared.

“Jay…” He starts, but Jared doesn’t let him finish.

“Please just get my chair for me, Jensen.” He says, looking straight ahead, his eyes still shining. Jensen moves quietly, doing what Jared asks. Once the chair is settled, Jared transfers himself to it, wheeling away from the car as Jensen walks behind him.

“Jay, I’m sorry…”

Jared turns around and there’s so much hurt in his expression, Jensen cringes knowing he was the one to put it in there. “I just want to be alone for a while, okay? Bye Jen.”

With that, Jared wheels away in record time and maneuvers inside, closing the door behind him without looking back. Jensen feels just awful for having done this to Jared, he wants to knock on the door and talk to him, apologize and have Jared forgive him. But at the same time, Jared clearly needs some space right now. He asked for it and Jensen thinks it’s probably for the best that he just leaves. He goes reluctantly, and spends the whole night thinking how gigantically he screwed up. Things were getting better with Jared and in one night, Jensen managed to destroy everything. He just hopes it can be salvaged and that Jared doesn’t hate him completely.

_**Jared** _

Jared feels raw, like a wound got reopened and rubbed over. He knew he shouldn’t have gone to that fucking game, he just assumed everything would be fine, it was just watching a game as a spectator. Plus, Jensen was so considerate, he got tickets for them and thought about everything that might prove to be a problem with his chair. Jared assumed it would be a great day spent with Jensen doing something he once loved. It was fine at first, the game was cool, and he had really missed baseball. But being at the stadium, watching the players, and all those people… it hit Jared like a punch to the gut. Memories of his old life, baseball was just something else he could never do again and the mental pain gave way to physical anguish. He tried to overcome those feelings for Jensen, but they overpowered him. He just knew he had to leave, otherwise he would completely break down there and then.

Jared didn’t say a single word to Jensen and he pretty much abandoned him at his doorstep, not even looking back. He feels terrible about that, too. Jensen didn’t deserve that, he just wanted to do something nice for Jared and it’s not his fault that Jared’s mind decided to freak out. It was something they could have never guessed would happen. It’s morning now and Jared barely got any sleep. He’s having breakfast with Chad but he doesn’t feel like eating much. When Jared came home the night before, Chad had asked how the game went. He’d obviously noticed the state Jared was in from the questioning look on his face, but Jared didn’t want to talk about it. He’d just said it was okay and went directly to his room. After thinking about it all night, he can’t hold it inside anymore.

“I just screwed up with Jensen.” And with that Jared proceeds to tell Chad everything that happened, how bad he felt at the game and how bad he treated Jensen.

Chad puts down his coffee mug and looks at him. “You didn’t screw up. You just had a hard time. There’s no way you could’ve known this would happen. You two just need to talk it through and everything will be okay again, you’ll see. Your man is crazy about you, so things’ll work out.”

“He’s not crazy about me and he’s not my man,” Jared mumbles while chewing his toast.

Chad gets up from the table and rolls his eyes. “Sure he’s not, Jaybird, whatever you say. I’m off to work.”

Chad leaves and Jared spends some time cleaning up the table and washing the dishes. When he’s done, he goes to his room, intending to text Jensen so maybe they can talk later. But when he picks up his phone, there’s already a text from him, about five minutes ago.

 _I’m sorry :(_ it says, and the emoticon with it breaks Jared’s heart. Jensen should never have to apologize to him. Jared quickly types an answer.

_Can you come over after work? I’ll make us something to eat._

The reply comes not even a minute later. _I can’t wait! See you later._

The day drags on. Jared goes to the grocery store close to his house to get ingredients for the pasta dinner he’s cooking for Jensen. He’s not gonna try anything more challenging since his abilities in the kitchen are still subpar. He tries to kill some time before he has to start cooking by playing video games and of course listening to Green Day. Then it’s finally time to start preparing everything, and when the doorbell rings, dinner is ready.

Jared opens the door with a hesitant smile on his face, which is mirrored by Jensen.

“Hey Jay… I brought us some ice cream.” He holds up a plastic bag that Jared can see contains two pints of Ben & Jerry’s, and Jared thanks him, asking Jensen to put it in the freezer. Jared gets everything needed to set up the table while Jensen brings the food, and both of them settle down to eat.

“Smell delicious, Jay. I’m starving.”

Jared nods and both of them serve themselves. Before taking the first bite, Jared decides to get the tension out of the way.

“Jen… sorry about the way I acted last night.”

Jensen holds up a hand, swallowing his pasta before answering. “Jay, stop. You don’t need to apologize. I should have known better, I should have thought you would feel bad seeing the game with what it entails and I didn’t. So I’m the one apologizing here.”

Jared eats a bit, collecting his thoughts before responding. “It was just harder than I realized, you know? It’s not like I used to be a huge baseball player, but it’s the little things. I just saw those players running around, all those people going to watch the game and rise to their feet without having to worry about it and it just left me aching for another thing I’ve lost. I was there thinking, those people have no idea how lucky they are. I never did either. I never thought like, whoa, I’m so lucky I can walk! That I can wake up in the morning and get up from the bed, that I can go anywhere I want without worrying if the place is accessible or not. I only realized how important that was when I lost it and it was too late, I just took it for granted. Yesterday was another reminder, a big one. It’s really sinking in that I’m disabled now, and it’s difficult to process that label. But it’s not your fault. You went out of your way to be awesome to me and you could never have known my freakout would happen. So please, don’t beat yourself up over this. I was upset, I’m dealing with it, but it’s not on you. I never got to say thank you for taking me to the game. Despite everything, I do really appreciate the gesture.”

Jensen smiles in relief, and reaches out across the table to squeeze Jared’s forearm. “I’m sorry you have to go through all of this Jay. But as I’ve said, I’m here for you, always. So, does this mean we’re good?”

Jared rolls his eyes. “You brought me ice cream. Of course we’re good!”

The mood lightens after that, and they finish their meal in peace. After Jensen grabs the ice cream and spoons, Jared speaks again, a bit shyly.

“So… If you’re going to rehab with me tomorrow, I’ll be trying out the leg braces for the first time, so if we’re lucky maybe you get to see me walking… or sorta. What do you say?”

Jensen swallows the ice cream and stares at Jared with his eyes wide open in shock. “How’s that? You’re gonna be walking?”

Jared chuckles. “It’s not really walking. They put braces on my legs that go from my ankles to my thighs and I use my hands on the parallel bars to swing my legs forward. It’s supposed to be good for blood circulation since I stay seated for such long periods of time. If I can get used to it, I can do it at home with crutches or a walker. It would be kinda cool to be up and about even for a little bit.”

Jensen gives Jared a blinding smile. “Of course I’m going! I wouldn’t miss your first steps for anything in the world!”

And just like that, Jared’s world is turned in the right direction again.

*

Jared feels nervous as the therapist straps the braces on his legs. They are ugly as hell, Jared thinks he looks like a robot, but their purpose is good. Jensen is sitting on a chair right next to him, paying attention to every detail. Jared is actually glad he’s here.

Daniel, the therapist, wheels Jared to the beginning of the parallel bars, and places his braced legs on the floor. Gripping the parallel bars tight, Jared slowly pulls himself up with Daniel’s help. It’s weird, he’s standing but it feels like he’s floating mid-air since he can’t feel anything from the waist down. For a few seconds he feels dizzy, like he always does when he’s on any equipment that allows him to stand. His body is not used to being at this height anymore and it’s always a weird kind of rush. Jensen is in front of him in seconds, placing a hand on Jared’s chest.

“You okay?”

Jared takes a deep breath and slowly opens his eyes, feeling better. “Yeah.”

Then he proceeds to do as Daniel instructs, using the muscles in his hips to swing his legs forward, one after the other. It’s not gracious at all, he can’t bend his knees and it’s far away from a normal gait, but it’s walking nonetheless and it feels fantastic. Jensen walks backwards in front of him, giving him an encouraging smile, and Jared focuses on Jensen’s eyes to keep him grounded. It’s so great to finally be tall again, taller than Jensen, having him looking up at Jared.

“What’s up, shorty?” Jared asks, a bit out of breath, and Jensen chuckles, a suspicious tear pooling in his eye.

“Nothing much, Sasquatch. You look classy.”

Jared smiles and his eyes never leave Jensen’s as he struggles to get to the end of the bars, his body already giving up. He forces it to keep moving, it’s right there, he’s gonna do it for Jensen. Two more steps and Jared reaches the end, his body losing all its strength and he collapses on Jensen, who catches him with a strong grip. Daniel brings Jared’s chair, and Jensen sits him on it gently. Jensen wheels Jared away from the bars towards a bench since Jared’s arms feel like Jell-O. Jensen sits down in front of him and places a hand on Jared’s cheek, which is moist with sweat.

“Oh my God Jay, that was so awesome! You did it, I’m so proud of you!”

Jared gives him a tired smile. “Thanks for being here.”

Jensen nods, staring deeply into his eyes. “No other place I’d rather be.”

And god, how much Jared wants to believe in that.

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnQ8N1KacJc&)

_**Jared** _

It’s Saturday evening two weeks later and Jared is waiting for Jensen to pick him up. He has told Jared he has a surprise for him, but promises it’s not another sports game. He could tell Jensen was anxious, maybe even doubting doing something else since their ballgame fiasco, but Jared has told Jensen it’s okay. He doesn’t want Jensen to be discouraged to do things with Jared because of one incident. Jensen has proved over and over how much he cares about Jared and goes out of his way to do things for him. So Jared has agreed to whatever Jensen has planned, he just hopes it goes well this time.

Jared really wants to believe Jensen likes him, but accepting that is very difficult. It’s hard for Jared to imagine someone like Jensen falling for someone like him - well, like him now, as he is. It just doesn’t make sense to Jared. Jensen just likes him as a friend, that’s all. Nothing more than that, despite what he says. And Jared is fine with it. At least, as fine as he can be.

Jensen finally arrives, and he’s bouncing up and down with excitement. “Hey Jay! You ready?”

Jared grabs his things and wheels outside, locking the door behind him. “Where are we going?”

Jensen gives him a mysterious smile. “Well, that’s a surprise, you just have to wait and see.”

Jared spends the whole car ride trying to get Jensen to give him a clue but he doesn’t. He drives them to Manhattan, and Jared briefly wonders if they are going on a nocturnal outing at Central Park. But Jensen drives past it, and they end up at a pub somewhere on the Upper West side. There’s a parking lot on the side of the pub and Jensen parks his car in it. Jared wonders why Jensen brought them to a pub when neither of them can drink, but he doesn’t ask. He trusts Jensen, and he must have his reasons. As Jared gets in his chair, he notices there’s some movement outside, numerous people arriving and there’s a truck parked there as well, some roadies unloading equipment and instruments. So there’s a show going on tonight.

Before locking up the car, Jensen reaches into the backseat, and grabs something that looks like a folded black t-shirt.

“What’s that, Jen?” Jared asks, looking up at him as they start to make their way to the pub.

“It’s nothing.” Jensen answers, and Jared doesn’t miss his mischievous smile. Jared is almost dying he’s so anxious to know what this is all about.

At the door, Jensen gives a guy two tickets, who examines them before tearing off the stubs and handing them back to Jensen. “Enjoy the gig.”

Who needs tickets to enter a pub? Jared tries to ask again who’s playing, but Jensen just shakes his head. A young woman arrives and welcomes them, asking them to follow her.

Jared is a bit concerned for Jensen, he knows Jensen doesn’t feel good among big crowds, he has told Jared that much. So how come he brought them to a concert? Jared himself doesn’t want to be in a crowd where he has to look at people’s butts all the time while they stand, thanks a lot. He’s starting to dread this is going to be another fiasco like the Rangers’ game until the woman leads them to a clean open space with a small stage and a few rows of chairs. It doesn’t look crowded at all, there’s actually plenty of space and it doesn’t look like it holds too many people. Jared breathes a little easier. She takes them to the second row from the stage back, since the first one is all occupied. The woman removes the first chair next to the aisle, so Jared can park his chair. Jensen sits down next to him and both of them thank the lady, who leaves them to go greet other people.

“Jensen, what the hell is happening, who is performing?” Jared asks, his voice low but urgent.

Jensen smiles at him. “I was gonna make you wait a little longer but you will figure out soon enough.” Jensen turns his body fully towards Jared and he suddenly becomes serious and shy. “I wanted to make it up to you for what I did before.” He holds up a hand when Jared opens his mouth. “I know you’re gonna say it wasn’t my fault, but I feel bad anyway. So, Steve works at a radio station, a rock one, and he pulled some strings and was able to get me these tickets. I’m gonna owe him one for the rest of my life but it’s so worth it. I did it because you, more than anyone, deserve to be here and I couldn’t stop thinking about it ever since you told me.”

Jared frowns, a little slow on the uptake. “Told you what? Jesus Jensen, who’s playing?”

Jensen doesn’t answer, instead, he hands the t-shirt to Jared. “You’re probably gonna want to wear this.”

Jared picks up the shirt from Jensen’s hands, and he can see it’s a bit worn already, starting to become gray instead of black. Frowning deeper, he unfolds the shirt, and when he sees what’s on it, his heart stops. This is his shirt.

His Green Day shirt.

Jared looks from the shirt to Jensen, who’s waiting expectantly. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He stares at the shirt again trying to make sense of it. “W…” He tries again, but his voice fails him when he looks at Jensen.

“Steve told me a few days ago that Green Day was having a pocket acoustic gig here tonight, only for a handful of people, which was perfect, you know, crowds and stuff. The radio station he works at is the one organizing it, so he managed to grab two tickets for us. So here we are!”

Jensen finishes, an uncertain but hopeful look on his face, waiting for Jared’s verdict. Jared swallows hard, trying to find his voice. When it comes out, it’s unsurprisingly hoarse. “You… you brought me to a Green Day concert?”

Jensen shrugs. “You’re their biggest fan, you more than anyone deserve to see them live once in your life.”

Jared stares at Jensen for a few seconds, and he can’t find the words. Instead, he launches himself at Jensen, losing his balance and almost falling out of his chair, but Jensen catches him. Jared wraps his arms around Jensen as tight as he can, burying his face in his neck. He feels tears pooling in his eyes but he doesn’t care. Jensen brought him to see his favorite band. Jensen hugs him back just as tight, and when they finally break apart, Jared looks at him through his teary eyes.

“Thank you.” He says with a whisper, trying to show in those two words how magnificent this gesture is and how incredibly thankful Jared is.

Jensen nods, his own eyes wet. “You’re welcome. Now, put that shirt on because the show will start soon!”

Jared does as he’s told, wearing the shirt on top of the one he already has on. “By the way, how did you get a hold of my shirt?”

Jensen shrugs. “Chad helped with that.”

Jared’s eyes widen. “Chad knew?”

“No.” Jensen chuckles. “I just told him I needed a Green Day shirt of yours, didn’t say why.”

Jared runs a hand over his shirt, still finding it hard to believe he’s going to see his band live for the first time. He looks back at Jensen. “Thank you, Jensen. Oh my God, thank you so much.”

Jensen places a hand on Jared’s face, caressing his thumb over his cheek. “You’re really welcome.”

Until the show starts Jared talks non stop about Green Day, which songs he hopes they play, and how amazing it is to finally be able to see them live. He thanks Jensen a few more times and Jensen just smiles. When the lights go out Jared is pretty much bouncing up and down in his chair as much as he can, eyes glued to the stage. He reaches out and grabs Jensen’s hand, entwining their fingers and giving a squeeze. Jensen squeezes back and gives Jared a quick smile, it’s more than enough to warm his heart.

When Billie Joe, Mark and Tré take the stage Jared’s heart almost stops. He grips Jensen’s hand so tight it hurts, but he can barely feel it. “Oh my God, oh my God, they are here,” he whispers, and he feels Jensen scooting his chair a bit closer to him, placing his other hand on Jared’s forearm.

Billie and Mike sit at stools in the front of the stage while Tré takes his place at the drums. Billie thanks everyone for being there and tells them to enjoy the show. It’s only them and acoustic guitars as they begin to play _Warning,_ and Jared’s heart is beating so fast he’s surprised it’s still inside his chest.

Jared can’t move through it all, his eyes focused on the band, he sings along to all the songs not missing a single word, and a lot of times he has to fight his happy tears so he can see clearly, he doesn’t want to miss any bit of it.

The band plays for about an hour and a half and Jared feels hypnotized. He takes a quick look at Jensen and smiles, and Jensen winks at him in return, giving him a smile as well. Jared looks back at the stage as Billie addresses the audience.

“Alright guys, this is our last song. I want to thank you all for coming, and I want to dedicate this song to two special people that are here tonight. It came to my attention that one of them is our biggest fan, and he loves this song in particular. I was also asked to tell him the following: dude, give the guy a chance, he’s crazy about you!”

Then, Billie proceeds to play the first chords of _Good Riddance_ , and this time, Jared can’t hold the tears back. He knows very well who Billie is talking about, he has no idea who has told him that and how, but it doesn’t matter. He looks over at Jensen, who has his own eyes glued on Jared, and they are shining and hopeful. All of a sudden, the sound of the guitars fades to the back, and it’s only him and Jensen. Maybe it’s time to stop fighting so hard. Jensen brought him here, knowing how special this would be for Jared. He does everything he can for Jared, he’s always there, it _has_ to mean something more. He remembers Chad’s words to him: _It depends on your choices._ Jared stares deeply into Jensen’s eyes, and as Billie starts to sing, he makes a decision.

 _Another turning point_  
_A fork stuck in the road_  
_Time grabs you by the wrist_  
_Directs you where to go_  
  
_So make the best of this test_  
_And don't ask why_  
_It's not a question_  
_But a lesson learned in time_  
  
_It's something unpredictable_  
_But in the end is right_  
_I hope you had the time of your life_

Very slowly Jared starts to lean in. He stares meaningfully into Jensen’s eyes, hoping he understands. Thankfully Jensen does, and closes the distance between them, placing both hands on Jared’s face and finally, _finally_ , covers Jared’s lips with his.

Time stops, and it’s like Jared can finally let out a breath he has been holding in for oh so long. Jensen grabs the back of his neck with one hand and pulls him closer as Jared places his own hands around Jensen’s neck and presses his lips harder against his. It’s technically their second kiss, but it feels like the first. After all that’s happened and how much they’ve changed, it actually is.

 _So take the photographs_  
_And still frames in your mind_  
_Hang it on a shelf_  
_Of good health and good time_  
  
_Tattoos of memories_  
_And dead skin on trial_  
_For what it's worth_  
_It was worth all the while_

Jensen deepens the kiss just a bit, opening his mouth and tentatively licking at Jared’s bottom lip. Jared opens up and their tongues finally meet, timidly tangling with each other. It’s the best taste in the whole world, one that Jared is instantly addicted to. They don’t let the kiss progress further, it’s not the time nor place and Jensen just keeps kissing Jared chastely on the lips, holding his face in place as they press their foreheads together while Billie finishes the song.

 _It's something unpredictable_  
_But in the end is right_  
_I hope you had the time of your life._

The concert ends and people start clapping, but Jared can’t move. He’s staring into Jensen’s emerald eyes, and at this moment, nothing is more important, not even Green Day.

“They’re leaving,” Jensen says with a croaked voice, and Jared gathers the strength to look at the stage in time to see the band saying their goodbyes. Reluctantly, Jared pries his hands away from Jensen and claps a few times, suddenly aware again that he just saw a Green Day concert, finally. All thanks to Jensen.

Jared turns back to him as the stage lights go out, and kisses him one more time. “Thanks again for this,” he mumbles into Jensen’s mouth.

Jensen pulls back just enough to look at Jared. “You’re not the one who has to thank someone here.”

Jared only nods, unable to say for the moment that he really does have to thank Jensen a lot. Jensen stands up then, leaning down to place a kiss on Jared’s temple. “It’s time to go.”

Jared looks around and sees that everyone is leaving, so he unlocks his brakes, grabs his wheels and starts to make his way out of the pub, Jensen just behind him, a warm hand on his shoulder. Both of them head to the car in silence, still processing what just happened, but without breaking contact. Jensen stays close as Jared transfers to the car seat, and after putting the chair in the trunk in record speed, Jensen sits beside Jared, leaning over to place a kiss on his lips. Jared already has a new favorite flavor in the world.

They spend the whole drive home holding hands, both still too suffused with happiness to speak, so they ride in silence, Jensen kissing the back of Jared’s hand from time to time. It feels good, awesome really. When Jensen parks the car in front of Jared’s house, neither of them indicate they want to leave so soon. Jared turns his upper body towards Jensen, and kisses his knuckles.

“Today was one of the best days of my life,” he says, looking up at Jensen. “And considering everything, that is saying something.”

They share another languid kiss before breaking apart just a bit. Jensen speaks in a low voice. “Go out on a date with me?”

Jared considers for just a second. They’ve crossed that line and now there’s no going back. Even if they could, Jared doesn’t want to. He loves Jensen with all his heart, Jensen has given Jared everything, and Jared only wants one thing in the whole world.

“Yes.”

Jensen smiles widely, and holds Jared tight against him. Breaking apart, he kisses him quickly one more time. “Can I pick you up tomorrow at seven?”

“Sounds perfect.”

They finally leave the car and Jensen escorts Jared to the door, leaning down one more time for a last kiss and a hug. “I can’t wait for tomorrow.”

Jared smiles, and it’s so genuine he even surprises himself by it. “Me either.”

And he really means it.

When Jared enters the house Chad jumps from the couch, and when he sees Jared wearing the shirt and the huge smile on his face, he yells.

“Holy fuck Jaybird, tell me Jensen took you to see Green Day, please!”

Jared’s smile grows even bigger when he answers his friend. “He really did. God, I can’t believe he did it, Chad. He took me to a Green Day concert.”

Chad’s eyes widen and he quickly walks behind Jared, grabbing the handlebars of his chair and wheeling him to the couch before Jared can protest since he generally hates that.

“Come on, I wanna know everything!” Chad sits down in front of Jared and raises his eyebrows, an expectant look on his face that makes him look almost like a child. Jared can’t even give him a hard time for pushing him around. Besides, the day was too fantastic to care about little details. So Jared tells Chad about the concert: where they played, the songs on the setlist and how fucking awesome it was.

“Jaybird, that’s fantastic! I’m sure it was a killing gig, I’d die to see it!” Chad’s expression changes to a smug one. “But this smile on your face is not only because of Green Day, is it?”

Jared scratches the back of his neck as he feels a flush starting. He shouldn’t tell Chad about what happened, but the guy is his best friend; he’s the one who told Jensen where he could find Jared in the first place, he told Jared that Jensen liked him, he’s always been so supportive and he has earned the right to know.

“We kissed.”

That’s enough for Chad to throw his arms in the air and fall against the backrest of the couch. “Fucking finally! Took you guys long enough! What next?”

Jared shrugs. “We’re going on a date tomorrow.”

Chad lifts his right hand in front of Jared. “This deserves a high five!”

Jared laughs as he high fives Chad, and he feels so light. For the first time in about ten months, he feels a little something warm inside of him that is pleasant, almost fizzy in its tickle, something he never thought he could feel again.

A little spark of happiness, that answers by the name of Jensen.

_**Jensen** _

Jensen feels like a teenage girl. He has about a hundred shirts and pants on his bed and he isn’t sure what to choose. He still can’t believe he’s going on a real date with Jared. It’s not sinking in, it feels like a dream. Actually, the whole previous night feels like a dream. He was so afraid Jared was gonna hate it, but the look on his face when he realized what they were about to see was worth everything. He can’t believe Steve managed to tell Billie Joe about them, and have a message sent to Jared, right on stage. He truly owes Steve his life.

And when Jared looked at him and started to close the distance, Jensen thought his heart was gonna explode. Finally being able to feel those lips against his, having Jared that close to him, to taste him… Jensen never thought he could be this happy in his life again.

He finally decides on dark grey jeans, a royal blue button down with a leather jacket on top, and black converse shoes. He styles his hair and looks at himself in the mirror. He thinks he looks nice, he wants to look the absolute best for Jared.

It’s a quarter to seven so Jensen grabs his stuff and drives over to Jared’s house. When he rings the doorbell he hears Jared’s voice yelling that it’s open so he lets himself in. Jared is wheeling out of his room, coming to a stop a few feet away from him, and what Jensen sees takes his breath away. Jared has on loose jeans, a blue and white striped shirt with a dark grey blazer on top, and brown boots. His hair is slightly damp from the shower, his big hands resting on his wheels, loosely gripping them, and holy fuck. Jensen is instantly turned on by the whole view.

Jared notices Jensen staring and looks down, folding in on himself a bit. Jensen closes the distance between them and kneels beside Jared, lifting his chin up with two fingers, taking the opportunity to give him a chaste but lingering kiss.

“Jay, you don’t need to be shy whenever I look at you like that. It’s not like I’m staring the way others tend to do. Well, I _am_ staring, but the only reason being that you are so fucking gorgeous and hot. I can never get used to it. And tonight, you’re even more irresistible.”

Jared stares at him in silence for a moment, as if he’s thinking about something. In the end he just shrugs, clearly keeping the thought to himself. “You don’t look bad yourself.”

Jensen chuckles and gets up. “Shall we get going? It’s a bit of a ride, not too far but it’s outside Queens.”

Jared nods and collects his things, following Jensen to the door. When Jensen touches the doorknob, he has a sudden thought and turns around, inspecting Jared who’s right behind him.

“What’s wrong?” Jared looks down at himself, as if trying to see if there’s something on his clothes.

Jensen frowns. “Aren’t you gonna wear your beanie?”

Jared purses his lips for a few moments, and finally gives Jensen a very meaningful dimpled smile. “Not tonight.”

Jensen can only imagine what a huge step it must be for Jared to go outside without his beanie, if he was correct in his assumptions that Jared wore it to feel safer. And he’s so honored to have this happening on their first date. So he smiles and looks over Jared’s silky locks.

“Well, I really like your hair tonight.”

“Thank you, ” Jared replies.

Jensen opens the door wide so Jared can wheel outside, and he follows right behind him. He has a feeling it’s gonna be a great night.

*

It’s a 30 minute drive to the Bay Plaza Shopping Center at the Bronx, and Jensen parks in one of the many handicap spots. Before leaving the car Jared turns to him.

“So, what do you have in mind?”

“I thought we could start with dinner and then go see a movie. I chose a late one since it will be emptier, figured you would like that better. We could have gone to a more intimate place for dinner but I thought it would be easier to come here since the theater is here as well so I hope you enjoy Dallas BBQ, I know it’s not romantic but...”

Jared shuts him up with a quick kiss. “Jen, you’re rambling. And don’t worry, it’s just perfect, thank you.”

They finally exit the car, and once Jensen has locked it up, he reaches out his hand for Jared, who hesitates for only a brief moment before taking it, lacing their fingers together. Jensen pulls him and Jared wheels himself one-handed. Jensen likes their version of walking hand in hand.

At the restaurant, they are placed at a table far from too much traffic, which is just perfect. This time, thankfully, the waiter treats Jared normally, addressing him as well as Jensen, who is very relieved since he can feel Jared relaxing.

They spend a good amount of time together at the restaurant. Jared is finally starting to eat more which Jensen highly appreciates. They talk about all different topics, it’s like they can finally enjoy each other without worrying about anything else but this moment. Jared, of course, talks a lot about the concert they went to, how amazing it was to finally see Green Day and Jensen feels happy for doing something that makes Jared light up inside. There’s a very tiny sparkle in Jared’s eyes that Jensen had only seen once on that first night they met, which he thought was forever lost. Apparently, it just needed time, encouragement and love to shine fully again. Good thing Jensen is patient.

Leaving the restaurant, they head to the movie theater. Jensen suggests they watch One Hour Photo with Robin Williams, and Jared gladly agrees. It’s past eleven, and as Jensen had predicted, there is almost nobody in the theater. When they enter, there’s only a couple sitting on the furthest row. They pick a row closer to the exit, and Jared chooses to sit on a regular seat instead of staying in his chair, so he can be closer to Jensen. He parks his chair next to the aisle seat, and lifting the armrest, he transfers himself to it. Jensen takes the seat next to him, and also lifts the armrest separating their seats. He scoots closer to Jared and laces his fingers with his, who gives Jensen a smile in return.

“I think this movie will be awesome.”

Jensen smiles and gives Jared a quick kiss on the lips. “I have no doubts about it.”

They hold hands throughout the movie, and even share a handful of stolen kisses. The movie was good, and Jensen leaves the mall with Jared feeling relaxed and happy. Jared must feel the same because he smiles and talks during the whole ride home. When Jensen parks the car, he doesn’t waste any time in pulling Jared into another kiss, and this time he doesn’t hold back. With one hand he holds the back of Jared’s neck and wraps his other arm around his waist. Jared comes willingly, and when their lips meet, they both open up, tongues circling around each other hungrily. Jared pulls Jensen closer to him and Jensen goes easily, closing the distance between them as much as the car allows. Jared smells so amazingly good, tastes even better, and Jensen starts to feel his dick stirring in his pants. They haven’t talked about sex yet (and Jensen has a feeling that’s a topic they are gonna need to discuss at some point based on the researches he’s done), so he gently breaks the kiss before he can’t control himself. Jared holds Jensen’s face close to his own and smiles, looking deep into emerald eyes.

“Thank you for tonight. It was just perfect. I don’t even know what to say.”

Jensen covers Jared’s hand with his own. “Just say you’re my boyfriend and we’re good.”

Jared freezes, dropping his hands from Jensen’s face. His expression suddenly turns humorless and he frowns. “Are you serious?”

“Of course I’m serious. Don’t tell me this is a shock to you.” Jensen reaches out and takes Jared’s hand in his again. “You know how I feel about you, and I assume that you feel the same way, so it’s only natural that we’re boyfriends.”

Jared bites the inside of his cheek as he looks down at their joined hands. “You sure about this Jensen? I come with some baggage, so you won’t have a normal relationship with me as your boyfriend.”

Jensen closes the distance between them again and plants a lingering kiss on Jared’s lips. He stares into Jared’s eyes, trying to get his point across without any possibility of miscommunication. “If I cared about that, I wouldn’t be here now. I want to be with you Jared. With you, just as you are, more than anything. Please say you’ll be my boyfriend.”

Jared leans his forehead against Jensen’s and nods, a silent tear making its way down his face.

“Yes.”

Jensen kisses the tear away and then Jared’s lips again. He has never thought he could be happy again after all the horror he went through at the WTC, but here, in this moment with Jared, as his official boyfriend, he finally believes it’s possible. He wouldn’t trade this moment for any other in the whole world.

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkFB8f8bzbY&)

_**Jared** _

Jared is once again waiting for Jensen, and he’s about to freak out. Things have gone great after their first date. They have been out a couple times, not including going for a quick bite after the AA meetings, and it has been awesome - Jensen is amazing in every possible way. He was already amazing as a friend, but as a boyfriend… Jared can’t even put it into words. He’s very caring and attentive, and he looks at Jared as if he really treasures him.

Jared wasn’t sure when Jensen first asked him to be his boyfriend. And if he’s completely honest, he’s still a bit wary. Not that he doesn’t trust Jensen, he knows his feelings are real, but Jared is too afraid to get hurt. He’s terrified Jensen is gonna meet someone better and leave him, and Jared isn’t sure he would be able to recover from that. Jared loves Jensen way too much, each day that passes he loves Jensen even more, and he knows it’s dangerous because he’s completely sure that losing Jensen would hurt a thousand times more than becoming paraplegic did.

But Jared tries not to think too much about that, because for now, things are good. Great, even. After what’s happened to him Jared didn’t think he could feel like that ever again, but Jensen showed him it’s possible. Sometimes, Jared can even forget he’s in a wheelchair and just enjoy himself for a few moments, and he never thought that would ever be possible.

Currently he’s freaking out because Jensen will be picking him up so they can go to his place for the first time. Jensen’s cooking them dinner, they will watch a movie afterwards, and heaven only knows what else may happen. Jared never thought someone would be interested in him like this, so he never gave much thought to the sex part. The doctor has told him his dick may work with the right stimulation, but the few times he’s tried himself it didn’t work so he stopped trying. It wasn’t gonna be useful anyway. However now there’s Jensen and things have changed. If their relationship progresses, Jensen will obviously want to have sex. Jared wants that too, he just doesn’t know how to do things with his body now, he’s still trying to get used to the changes, and the thought of going further with Jensen is what freaks him out the most. He knows Jensen is amazing, but they are gonna have to talk about this soon. It’s the only part of himself that Jared hasn’t yet shared with Jensen.

He’s chosen a basic look for tonight, a black tee with a short sleeve plaid shirt on top and jeans. Ever since his first date with Jensen he has felt brave enough to finally go out without his beanie all the time, and that was a huge achievement for him. He feels more exposed without it, but Jensen makes him feel way safer than the beanie ever did. And knowing that Jensen actually pays attention to him, not only to his wheels, makes Jared want to look nicer for him.

When Jared opens the door upon hearing Jensen’s knock, he automatically smiles, feeling his body relaxing a bit just with the sight of his boyfriend.

“Hey gorgeous!” Jensen says, smiling at him, one hand behind his back.

“What do you have there?” Jared asks, motioning with his head to his hidden arm.

Jensen unfolds his arm and shows Jared a single red rose. “It’s lame, I know.” He rolls his eyes, and Jared can see him blushing.

Jared reaches out and takes the rose. “It’s beautiful, thanks Jen. I really love it.” And he’s not lying. It’s a simple gesture but means a lot to Jared. After kissing Jensen hello, Jared wheels to the kitchen, filling up a glass with water and placing the rose inside it before placing it on the counter and returning to where Jensen is waiting.

“Shall we go?”

*

They make their way to Jensen’s house - which isn’t far - hand in hand, and Jared is still astonished that Jensen has absolutely no problem holding his hand in public, not feeling embarrassed at all. That gesture also helps Jared a lot with his own self confidence.

When they arrive at Jensen’s apartment, Jared is glad to notice it’s on the first floor, which means no stairs. Entering the place, Jared has a suspicion that Jensen has moved a few things around and cleared up the living area a bit so Jared can get around easier and he highly appreciates that. They spend a great evening together; Jensen cooks a wonderful homemade meal for them. Jared has noticed that over time Jensen is getting him to eat more and he wonders if it’s on purpose. Jared had lost much of his appetite when he spent his days depressed at home, and he had always been a big eater before September 11th. It’s great to feel pleasure in that again.

After dinner, Jared joins Jensen on the couch for a movie. Jensen had rented a few movies including _Pearl Harbor_ , telling Jared he wasn’t sure about them watching that one since it also tells the story about an attack to the United States that killed a lot of people. Despite feeling a bit unsure about the premise, Jared actually wants to watch it. He remembers when it was first released, he had wanted to go watch it at the theater but couldn’t find the time. He had been waiting for the DVD release so he could rent it, but the attack happened in the meantime and plans were forgotten.

“Let’s watch Pearl Harbor. If it gets to be too much, we can always stop.”

So they watch the movie sitting close together, Jensen resting his head on Jared’s chest, who has his arms around Jensen. It is hard to watch, seeing how a war reaped so many lives, ended so many families and dreams. It hits very close to home, and they hold each other tighter, finishing it out since the movie is really well done. When it ends, neither of them move. Jared has tears running down his face, and he can hear Jensen sniffling too. While the credits roll, Jensen lifts his face and kisses Jared for a long time, not deepening it, just so they can feel the connection with each other. An unspoken reassurance that they’re still here.

“Do you think they’re gonna make a movie about the World Trade Center too?” Jared asks when they break apart.

Jensen nods. “Definitely. And if they told our love story it would be a major box office success, I can tell. I hope Leo DiCaprio plays my part.”

Jared chuckles. “Maybe Matt Damon could play me.”

Jensen licks his lips and closes the little distance between them, whispering into Jared’s lips. “I wish he would. Damon is so fucking hot.”

Jared places a soft kiss on Jensen’s lips. “Leo is not so bad either,” he murmurs.

“You think so?” Jensen places both hands on Jared’s face and kisses him hard and passionately, and Jared’s mind goes completely blank. Placing his arms around Jensen, he kisses him back just as intensely. Their tongues collide, and Jensen pulls Jared closer as they kiss hungrily, as if it’s just not enough. They get lost in each other for a few moments, and then Jensen gently lays Jared down on the couch, blanketing him with his body. It feels really good, and Jared pulls Jensen down closer to him. They stay like that, making out for what seems like ages, when Jensen starts to plant kisses all over Jared’s face and murmur against his skin.

“God Jared, you feel so damn good. I want to taste all of you.”

That flips a switch in Jared’s brain, and even though it pains him, he pushes Jensen away. “Jen, stop.”

Jensen frowns, sitting up on the couch again. Jared struggles with his arms to sit up too, and Jensen offers a hand, which Jared takes as he straightens his body into a sitting position. “What’s going on Jay?”

Jensen’s skin is flushed and his lips are swollen, pupils dilated. He looks the personification of sexiness, and Jared wants nothing more than to go further with their explorations. But they need to talk about it first, as much as he doesn’t want to.

“We need to talk, Jen. You know…” Jared feels his cheeks warming up. “About sex.”

“Okay, mom.” Jensen chuckles and Jared punches him, unable to keep his own face serious.

“I mean it, Jen.”

The smile slips from Jensen’s face. “Sorry Jay. I actually kinda figured we would need to talk about this soon.”

Jared lowers his head, trying to compose himself. He really hates doing this, he feels humiliated but there’s no other option if Jensen and him are gonna be boyfriends.

“You know I can’t feel anything below my waist. That includes my dick and other areas. The doctor at the rehab center told me it’s possible to get it up, some guys can and others can’t, but it requires a lot of stimulation. It’s not as easy as it is for you. I’ve tried a couple of times myself and it didn’t work, so I stopped trying. I just…”

Jared stops talking and bites the inside of his cheek, feeling one hundred percent embarrassed. Jensen places his hand under Jared’s chin and makes Jared look at him. “Just what, Jay?”

Jared shrugs. “I just didn’t think anyone would want to be with me and bother enough to go through all the trouble so I could get my dick up. I just let it go. I don’t know if it actually can.”

Jensen runs a finger down Jared’s cheek. “Well, I happen to want to bother quite a lot. So why don’t we take our time and discover this together?”

Jared keeps quiet for a few moments, a million things whirling inside his head. “I just… I wish I had sent my principles to hell and that we had slept together on that first night. I really wish I knew what that’s like.”

Jared can’t prevent a tear from escaping and it falls on Jensen’s finger, who brushes it away. “Jay, we can still find out exactly what that’s like.”

“But we don’t even know if I can have an erection… and even if I can it doesn’t matter, I can’t _feel_ you. Gosh, I wish I could feel you in me so bad.”

Jensen lifts his other hand and places it over Jared’s heart. “Can you feel this?”

Jared nods, not taking his eyes off Jensen’s.

“There are other ways to feel pleasure, Jay. This is as new to me as it is to you, but we can learn things together. We’ve got all the time in the world, I’m not going anywhere.”

Jensen plants a kiss on Jared’s lips, who murmurs a soft, “Okay.”

“Can you stay over tonight? I’d love to start learning.”

Jared lowers his head again, biting his lower lip.

“What?” Jensen asks, cocking his head to the side. “Is it the bathroom? Or do you need a special bed or something?”

Jared shakes his head. “It’s not that, your bathroom is fine and my bed is normal, it’s just there’s one more thing.” Jensen just waits as Jared takes a deep breath, staring at his lap as he talks. “I hate my body. I hate how it’s not the same as it was before, how my legs are thinner now and I’ve lost a lot of muscle. I used to be built, and now I’ve lost a lot of weight. To be honest, I haven’t looked at myself in a full-body mirror ever since what happened, I just don’t wanna see myself like this. I don’t even like to touch the parts of my body I can’t feel any more than I absolutely have to. I don’t feel handsome, or desirable, I just don’t feel whole anymore. And I’m… I’m freaking out thinking that you’re gonna see me, the real me underneath the clothes.”

Jensen looks over Jared, deep in thought for several moments. He opens his mouth, as if he’s about to say something, but closes it again. Finally, he seems to make up his mind and gets up.

“Jay, come with me.”

Jared looks up feeling unsure, and Jensen looks at him with those big kind eyes of his. “Trust me?”

Jared nods and transfers back to his chair. Jensen steps behind him and grabs the handles. “Can I?”

Jared doesn’t like being pushed, but it’s Jensen, and he’s asking. So Jared looks up at him and nods.

Jensen guides him down the hallway, stopping in front of the last door, which Jared assumes is his bedroom. He opens it and wheels Jared inside, closing the door behind him. Jensen turns on the light and takes Jared to the front of a mirror, that goes from the floor almost up to the ceiling. He arranges Jared’s chair so he’s fully facing the mirror and stands behind him, both hands on his shoulders. Jared looks down, unable to look at himself like this. He feels ashamed of his body, especially with Jensen looking at him, but his boyfriend leans down and whispers in his ear.

“Look at yourself, Jay.”

Jensen waits until Jared gathers enough courage to look up. He looks at himself and sees a guy with a body different than what it used to be, with wheels attached to it. Jared sniffs, trying to hold back his tears with the sight in front of him.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Jay,” Jensen whispers, his mouth glued to Jared’s ear. “You are so, so beautiful. I thought I could tell you that, but I think it’s better to show you. God, you’re so fucking beautiful, Jay, all of you.”

Jensen gently pulls on Jared’s plaid shirt, his intentions clear, and Jared allows him to take it off. On instinct, Jared covers his torso with his arms, but Jensen gently grabs them and pulls them back to his sides, making Jared feel exposed with only a thin layer. Jensen trails kisses along Jared’s neck, running his hands up and down over his arms.

“So, so beautiful.”

Jensen reaches behind his shoulder with one hand and pulls his own t-shirt over his head, exposing his torso and the rosary tattoo. Jared’s eyes instantly fixate on it through the mirror. Jensen notices what Jared is looking at, and he leans down again to whisper in his ear.

“That’s how much you mean to me.”

Then, Jensen places his hands under Jared’s arms down his torso, grabbing the hem of his t-shirt, waiting for Jared’s consent. Jared takes a couple of deep breaths, feeling so nervous his heart may burst through his chest any minute, but he trusts Jensen, he would never do this to mock him. So Jared nods, looking at his eyes reflected in the mirror. Jensen very slowly lifts Jared’s shirt, who raises his arms so Jensen can take it off.

With his torso bare, Jared feels completely exposed and vulnerable, but before he can fold in on himself Jensen is planting kisses on his shoulder down his arm. “You are so gorgeous, Jay. You have no idea how much.”

Jensen kisses Jared’s back between his shoulder blades and then he steps back, a curious look on his face. Jared knows immediately what he’s looking at.

Light as a feather, Jensen’s finger touches the beginning of the long thin scar that runs down the center of Jared’s back, the result of his spinal surgery. He doesn’t like it, it’s ugly and it’s another reminder of how different his body is now. He wishes Jensen couldn’t see it, but now there’s no going back.

“Does it hurt?” Jensen whispers, not taking his eyes off it.

Jared shakes his head. “Not the way you’re touching it.”

Jensen nods and gently runs his thumb down the scar, kneeling behind Jared and leaning in to plant a soft kiss in the middle of it, his hands on Jared’s bare waist. It feels odd, but Jared finds he likes it. It’s a sensitive spot, and Jensen’s touch is just perfect. His expression must show his small pleasure because Jensen tenderly kisses his way down the scar as Jared leans forward on his chair to give him better access, and Jensen continues all the way down until there’s no response. Jared jerks his head, and Jensen seems to realize Jared can’t feel his kisses anymore. So he makes his way back up, going up along Jared’s neck, sucking on a spot there, making Jared’s torso and arms shiver.

“God, Jen…”

Jensen grabs a handful of Jared’s hair, pulling at it and yanking his head back, exposing his throat. Jensen sucks on another spot there, licking his adam’s apple.

“You like this, Jay?”

Jared only nods, his hands gripping his wheels so tight he might bust a tire. Jensen runs a hand over his chest, giving his nipple a squeeze and Jared almost jumps out of his chair.

Jensen laughs into his skin, mouth going back to Jared’s ear. “Hmmm, now that’s an interesting reaction.”

Jared swallows hard a couple of times, trying to form words through the fog in his brain. “I think… I think since I can’t feel half of my body, the other half may be oversensitive to compensate.”

Jensen sucks on Jared’s earlobe and the skin on his neck breaks into goose-pimples, proving what he has just said. “That’s awesome news.” Jensen makes Jared look up again as he murmurs against his jaw. “Look at us, Jay. We’re so great together, aren’t we? Look how turned on you already are, and we haven’t even started yet.” Jensen leans over his shoulder and places his hands over Jared’s on his wheels. “Jay, you’re so hot, all of you, every inch. I dare say you’re sex on wheels. I think I may be developing a kink.”

Jared chuckles as he feels his face heat up even more, and he feels turned on indeed. He looks at both of them in the mirror through half closed lids, how Jensen is kissing his neck, and for a moment, he actually feels desirable, wanted, loved. Jensen obviously wants him, wheels included, and that’s enough for now. He turns his face because he _needs_ to kiss Jensen, but his boyfriend pulls away.

“Not yet.” Jensen grabs the chair handles again and pulls Jared away from the mirror towards his bed, parking the chair right next to it. He plants another kiss between Jared’s shoulders. “Go ahead.”

Jared doesn’t need to be told twice as he quickly transfers to Jensen’s bed, scooting so he’s lying in the middle of it and adjusting his legs with his hands. Jensen takes his shoes off and climbs the bed on all fours, one leg on each side of Jared. He leans down and finally captures Jared’s lips with his own, and Jared pulls him down so Jensen’s fully lying on top of him. Jensen hungrily kisses him, and then makes his way down his neck to his chest, running both hands over his torso. Jensen sucks one nipple into his mouth while playing with the other with his fingers. Jared arches his back with the sudden pleasure it causes, and Jensen takes the chance to place his other arm carefully under Jared’s back, holding him in place as he sucks his nipple harder, and then moves to the other. Jared is already seeing stars, it feels fucking amazing, that is definitely a ridiculously sensitive spot on his body. He thinks maybe he has spent so long without feeling any pleasure, his body is hungry for it.

Jensen continues to make his way down further with his mouth, sucking at random spots along Jared’s torso, who’s grabbing the sheets and biting his bottom lip so hard it may bleed. Jensen tentatively licks over Jared’s belly button, looking up at him.

“Is this okay?”

Jared lifts his upper body, leaning on his elbows so he can look down at Jensen. “Do it again.”

Jensen nods and licks harder, sucking on it at the end, and it almost makes Jared’s brain short circuit. The area where his sensation ends and his paralysis begins, belly button included, is actually the most sensitive one on his body. It can be uncomfortable to touch sometimes, but the way Jensen is touching it actually feels goddamn amazing. It sends a wave of pleasure up his body that is so intense, he can’t keep holding himself up anymore. Jared falls back down on the bed, eyes closed.

“Oh my god.”

Jensen does it again, and proceeds to rain little kisses to the side of his belly button, where his skin is ultra sensitive. Jared might have a new addiction.

The kissing stops, and Jared feels too drained to pay attention to anything when he hears Jensen’s voice.

“Jay? Look at me.”

Jared struggles to support himself on his elbows again and looks down at Jensen. He has one hand on the fly of his pants.

“Can I?”

Jared doesn’t answer for a few moments. This all has been fantastic, but if he allows Jensen to strip him completely he’s gonna expose the paralyzed part of his body, his thin legs he hates and is so ashamed of and doesn’t want anybody to see. His hesitation must show on his face, because Jensen gives him a pleading look.

“I want to see all of you, Jay. Please?”

Even though Jared doesn’t feel completely comfortable, he thinks Jensen has earned the right to see him; he has proved he wants Jared in every way, and most importantly Jared trusts Jensen. So he finally agrees.

“Just… just the pants tonight, okay?” Jared still doesn’t feel ready to expose his dick or to have Jensen working on it. He knows if they try to get it up, it’s gonna take a long time and he doesn’t want that tonight.

Jensen nods, smiling. “Whatever you want.” He slowly unbuttons his pants, dragging them down his legs. He stops at his ankles so he can remove Jared’s shoes and socks, and he does it very carefully. Then he finally removes the pants completely, throwing them on the floor.

“I’ll take mine off too so you don’t feel underdressed.” Jensen quickly shucks off his pants and they soon join Jared’s on the floor. He sits on his heels, and studies Jared’s almost naked body, a hungry look on his face. “Holy fuck, Jay. You really are beautiful. All of you.”

Jared blushes and swallows hard. To prove his point, Jensen picks up Jared’s right leg and bends it at the knee, holding his calf.

“Watch this,” he says, and proceeds to place kisses on Jared’s inner thigh. His eyes make contact with Jared’s the whole time, as he sucks and licks the skin there. Then, Jensen goes down to his foot and plants a kiss on the top while caressing his calf. Despite the fact that Jared can’t actually feel it, he can see what Jensen is doing and remember the muscle memory of sensation, and it makes him gasp softly.

“Gorgeous,” Jensen whispers against his skin, shifting to the other leg and giving it the same treatment. He bites his left thigh, leaving light indentations on the skin from his teeth, and shows it to Jared.

“See? Your leg is mine now, I claimed it.”

Jared feels oddly emotional watching that, seeing how Jensen in fact desires his whole body, how he’s showering Jared with love and adoration. He can’t keep his eyes from watering, and Jensen is up in his face in a second, covering it with kisses, kneeling over him.

“No need to cry. Just showing how much I want every part of you, how I love touching all parts of you, how your legs are beautiful the way they are, because they are a part of you. I’m showing you that you are still whole, you’re still all here. Your entire body is beautiful. Thank you for allowing me to do this.”

Jared kisses him hard, trying to prove how much it all meant to him, while running his hand down Jensen’s body. He tentatively ends up on his groin area, and notices Jensen’s dick is very rigid.

“Jen…” Jared starts, touching it through his boxers, but Jensen moves Jared’s hand away from it.

“It’s okay, Jay. Don’t worry about it.”

Jared smiles. “Oh, I want to worry about it.” He pushes Jensen away, making him sit next to him. “Sit up against the headboard.”

Jensen does as he’s asked, a curious look on his face. He has done so much for Jared tonight, much more than Jared could even imagine. He has given Jared his desire back, and now Jared wants to give something in return. He arranges himself using his hands, so he’s on his side, his face close to Jensen’s groin. Supporting himself on his arms, he looks up at Jensen, a cocky smile on his face, and mouths his cock through the thin fabric, eyes never leaving Jensen’s, who’s biting his bottom lip, a pained expression on his face.

“We might as well take care of the one working dick we have here tonight.” Jared pulls at the elastic band of Jensen’s underwear with one hand. “Help me here a bit, Jen?”

Jensen doesn’t need to be told twice as he quickly removes his boxers, sending them flying across the room, exposing his hard fat dick curving up to his stomach. Jared licks his lips, it’s been awhile since he saw someone else’s cock and he’s suddenly starving for it. Shifting his weight so he’s supporting himself on his forearm, he gives Jensen’s dick a light squeeze, running his thumb over the mushroom head.

“Fuck!” Jensen screams, throwing his head back. Jared smiles and he can see Jensen won’t last long. If his dick could get hard right now, it probably wouldn’t either. So he leans down and captures the head between his lips, tentatively sucking it. He looks up again and sees Jensen looking down at him, sweat forming on his forehead, cheeks bright pink and chest heaving up and down. Jared smiles as best as he can around the girth and swallows Jensen’s dick deeper, keeping his hold on the base. It touches the back of his throat, making Jared gag a bit, and he feels Jensen’s hand on his cheek, caressing it with his thumb. Jared starts bobbing his head up and down, massaging Jensen’s balls at the same time, and Jensen grabs his hair in a tight grip, turning Jared on even more.

Jared swallows a few more times, and when Jensen tries to pull his head away, Jared doesn’t go. Instead he sucks harder, and soon Jensen is coming into his mouth. Jared jerks him off at the same time as he sucks at the tip of his cock, swallowing the whole load. When Jensen’s dick is spent, Jared looks up at him, come and spit dripping down his chin. He lifts his hand to wipe it, but Jensen grabs him and pulls him up forcefully, kissing him hard, tasting himself and licking every drop off Jared’s face.

Jared doesn’t have the strength to keep himself up anymore, so Jensen lies both of them down. Jared rests his head against Jensen’s chest, an arm around his torso. Jensen hugs him close. They stay like that for a while, their breaths evening out. Jared considers thanking him for the entire experience, but it’s not enough. Instead, he looks up and meets Jensen’s eyes, who looks down at him just as intensely. There are no words needed.

Eventually, Jensen plants a kiss on the top of Jared’s head. “So this means you’re staying tonight? I’ll take you to rehab tomorrow morning.”

Jared hasn’t spent a night out of his adapted home ever since he left the rehab center, and it scares him a bit to be in another place. But he doesn’t want to leave, he actually feels completely awesome for the first time in a while. All he wants is to fall asleep in Jensen’s arms, but he needs to take care of himself first.

“I’ll stay. But right now I need to pay a visit to the bathroom, you don’t want to wake up with piss all over you.”

“Do you need help in the bathroom?” Jensen asks, lightly running his fingers over Jared’s bare shoulder.

“I’ll see if I can handle it myself, if I can’t I’ll call for you.”

Jared gathers strength to leave Jensen and transfer back to his chair. He really doesn’t want to move but he really needs to go if he wants to avoid an accident happening very soon. So he takes care of his business, glad that Jensen’s bathroom has enough space for him to maneuver his chair. There aren’t bars on the walls, but with some effort he manages to do it by himself. Once that’s taken care of, he brushes his teeth and fires off a text to Chad saying he’s spending the night at Jensen’s, then turns off his phone. Jared wheels back to Jensen’s room to see he hasn’t moved an inch. He just holds out a hand to Jared, who wastes no time joining his boyfriend on the bed.

Jared turns on his side, and Jensen spoons him from behind. “I’ll be serving as your pillows tonight.”

Jared chuckles and turns his head towards Jensen, who gives him a chaste kiss on the lips. “Good night.”

Jensen reaches out to turn the light off on the wall behind the bed, and settles himself with an arm around Jared’s body. He plants a kiss on the back of Jared’s neck.

“I love you, Jared,” he whispers against the skin, and this time Jared can’t keep a tear from falling. He picks up Jensen’s hand, bringing it close to his mouth, kissing the back of it, then he puts it back in place around him, entwining their fingers.

“I love you too, Jensen.”

For the first time in a long time, Jared falls asleep with a smile on his face.

In the morning when Jared wakes up to Jensen in his underwear making pancakes for them, a bright smile on his face when he sees Jared wheeling into the kitchen, it’s like something shifts inside Jared. It’s been a long road to get here but he feels happy and thankful to be alive, and that’s a great feeling. He smiles back at Jensen, pouring all his heart into it.

Maybe life can actually be good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the lovely art in this chapter was made by incredible artist Kamidiox, which was a present to me from my also amazing artist Kaelysta!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4V3Mo61fJM&)

_**Jared** _

When September arrives, the mood seemingly everywhere turns somber. The first anniversary of the attack to the WTC is coming soon. Jared feels weird about that, thinking that soon it will be one full year that the huge tragedy happened, one year since he has been in the wheelchair. A full year without walking, and the darkness he had felt for so long is trying really hard to set in again. Jared fights it as much as he can, but it’s not easy.

Jensen isn’t doing much better himself. He has grown noticeably quieter, he’s not smiling as much. They haven’t brought the subject up, but it’s there between them in everything they do. Even Chad is not as chatty as usual.

After their first night together, Jensen has stayed over at Jared’s a couple of times - it’s easier for Jared to spend the night at his own house than at Jensen’s - but they haven’t taken things any further yet. Jared is still adjusting to his sexuality again, learning what gives him pleasure, learning not to be ashamed of his body, and he has asked Jensen for more time until they do more, until he’s feeling more comfortable with it, and Jensen is respecting it. But even though they haven’t gotten further than heavily making out in their underwear, it’s amazing to go to bed and wake up next to Jensen. Jared is getting dangerously addicted to it, and he misses his boyfriend when he’s not in bed with him.

Despite Jensen’s reassurances, and even showing Jared how much he wants him, Jared still feels insecure most of the time. He can’t help it. He blames his stupid brain, but the fear is stronger than him. What if Jensen decides he wants someone who can fully participate in sex? Someone not so high maintenance as Jared? He doesn’t share those thoughts with Jensen because he knows they will make him upset, but the fear is a very present feeling inside of Jared, as much as he tries to push it away.

On September 10th, Jared feels really on edge. He thinks back to this time last year, when he was still on his feet, clueless to the fact that his whole life was about to change the very next day. He stays in bed longer than usual, completely aware he needs to do his bathroom routine soon to avoid an accident, but he’s too despondent to get out of bed. His brain feels numb, he doesn’t feel like doing anything today and that’s worrisome.

His phone beeps and Jared turns his head around to stare at it. It’s as if his arm weighs a ton as he lifts it to pick the thing up. He blinks a few times as the screen lights up, revealing a text from Jensen. Jared has to read it three times for the words to sink into his brain.

_Please be ready around 7:30, I’ll pick you up after leaving work._

_I really love you._

_J_

They haven’t talked about doing anything today, but the prospect of seeing Jensen tonight and going out with him helps improve Jared’s mood at least a bit, giving him the strength to get out of bed. That and the fact that he really doesn’t want to change the sheets if he stays in any longer.

The day drags by, and when the doorbell rings 5 minutes before 7:30, Jared is anxious. Opening the door, he finds a Jensen who doesn’t look much better than him, his face fully showing his own distress with the upcoming date. Still, Jensen gives him a tentative smile, and Jared returns it as best as he can.

After giving Jared a long kiss hello, Jensen says he’s taking him to dinner. They go to a nice Italian place that Jensen loves called Beppe; telling Jared this is the restaurant of his favorite chef, Cesare Casella. Once they are seated and the waiter has brought them the menu, Jensen faces Jared, reaching out and grabbing his hand on the table.

“Jay… There’s a reason why I brought you here to my favorite restaurant. I know these last several days haven’t been easy for us, and tomorrow will be extremely hard on us both, but we also have a reason to celebrate. Exactly one year ago, I walked up to the bartender and ordered the strongest beer on tap, and there was a gorgeous guy sitting right next to me. We met exactly one year ago, Jay. Everything changed the very next day and so many things have happened since then, but our first meeting was one of the most important days of my life, because it brought me you. So I wanted for both of us to try and take our minds off the fact that tomorrow will be one year since a horrible event, and celebrate our first anniversary. Well, one of our anniversaries. One year since I first met the most gorgeous guy of all.”

Jared smiles and relaxes a bit. Things have gotten progressively worse in his brain recently as he’s been remembering the trauma of 9/11, but Jensen is right. One year ago they met, and that is something that makes Jared really happy. They are both here now, together, one year later. They aren’t the men they were on that day anymore, far from it, but they are here nonetheless. And that’s enough reason to put it all aside for a couple of hours and celebrate. So Jared raises his water glass and Jensen does the same, as they make a toast.

“For our lives, and for us being here together today,” Jensen says, staring into Jared’s eyes.

Jared nods, clinking his glass with Jensen’s. “For us.”

*

Jensen stays over for the night. He asked his boss for the next day off, and his boss agreed to it without question, knowing Jensen was at the WTC on 9/11. Jared and Jensen have decided to spend the day together. They don’t make out when they get into bed, just hold each other tight as close as they can, and that’s how they fall asleep. Jared doesn’t get much rest, bad dreams waking him up more often than not, and he notices Jensen is awake most of the time as well. They don’t talk, just hold onto each other.

When Jared wakes up in the morning, the alarm clock on his nightstand reads 8:40. Six more minutes until the time the first plane hit the north tower. He turns around and finds Jensen lying on his back, eyes glued to the ceiling. Jared scoots closer and rests his head on Jensen’s chest, who immediately wraps his arms around him. Jared hears Jensen sniffling, and his own eyes fill with tears. They stay clinging to each other for a while in silence, as the exact moment everything changed comes. They hold each other tighter as they cry for everything they’ve lost, and for all the lives that had been lost too, Jared’s tears falling on the tattooed rosary on Jensen’s chest.

“I’m so glad I found you again,” Jensen says in a whisper. Jared lifts his face and can only nod, throat too tight to speak, so he just plants a soft lingering kiss on Jensen’s mouth, hoping to tell him without words how much it means to him too that Jensen is here, how his life has improved because of Jensen.

Eventually they leave the bed, mostly because Jared has immediate business to take care of. Jensen makes breakfast for them and Chad, who is also feeling very down today. He tells Jared and Jensen that there will be a small tribute at the station and he’s so not looking forward to his day at work.

After Chad leaves and the kitchen is taken care of, Jared suggests they go outside, knowing that staying in will not do them any good. So they head out, hand in hand, and Jared notices how everyone looks sadder today. Of course this day has an impact on everyone, like the whole country is mourning.

They barely talk, too lost in their own thoughts, and eventually they decide to stop at a coffee shop. Jensen goes to grab their beverages while Jared finds them a table. Once Jensen joins him, Jared picks up his cup and gathers the courage to say what’s been on his mind for a few days now.

“Hey Jen…” Jared plays with the lid as Jensen waits. “I’ve been thinking. And I think we should visit Ground Zero.”

Jensen puts down his cup and stares at Jared, completely caught off guard. “What?”

“I think it’s time, Jen. I know it’s extremely hard to even think about. But I don’t think we can avoid the area forever. We haven’t been there ever since the attack, and that’s the place our whole lives changed. I think it would be good for us, some kind of closure. Seeing the place where everything happened. It’s not gonna be easy at all, but we should go there together. Or at least try.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, just drinks his mocha and stares at his hands while Jared fidgets, nervous to know how Jensen will respond.

“I think…” He finally starts after an eternity, finally looking up. “I think you’re right. We _should_ try to go there. It has to happen eventually, I guess. Not today, though.”

Jared shakes his head, relieved Jensen agreed with him. “No, I didn’t mean today, can you imagine how crowded it must be there today? No way. And plus, you know… it is _today_. But we could go on Saturday, what do you think?”

Jensen gives Jared a small smile, reaching out to take his hand. “I think Saturday is good.”

_**Jensen** _

On Saturday, they drive out to Manhattan after Jared’s rehab session. Both of them are quiet on the car ride. Jensen knows it’s a good idea to go see Ground Zero, but he’s extremely nervous. Jared is right, they need this for closure. It won’t be easy seeing the place where everything happened, Jensen has no idea what his behavior is gonna be, but he can try. Plus, Jared is gonna be by his side so he won’t be alone in this, and that is so much more than he could ask for. Jared has changed his life for the better, and now Jensen doesn’t see the WTC as the place where he lost Jared anymore. Of course there are a lot of other reasons why Jensen dreads it, but having Jared makes it a bit less painful. They hold hands during the whole ride, Jared caressing the back of his hand with his thumb, and it helps Jensen relax at least a tiny bit.

When they arrive at the Financial District, Jensen’s anxiousness grows. He has been here a thousand times in the past, and there is clearly something missing in the scenery. He tries not to pay attention to it much as he finds a parking garage a couple of blocks away from Ground Zero. Once his car is parked and both of them are on the street, Jensen grabs Jared’s hand as they slowly start making their way towards the place. There are still buildings blocking the view, and Jensen’s heart starts beating faster with each step he takes. He squeezes Jared’s hand tighter, and Jared looks up at him giving an encouraging smile, squeezing his hand back, despite the nervous look on his own face.

They round a corner and finally come face to face with a bare landscape. Jensen is frozen to the spot, eyes glued at the vast emptiness where there were two tall towers once, and he holds Jared’s hand in a deadly tight grip. Jensen’s heart is beating a mile a minute now, and his eyes water. He knows Jared is saying something, he can hear muffled speech, so he forces his body to turn around and face his boyfriend, who’s looking up at him with concerned eyes. He frowns, showing his confusion and Jared kindly repeats what he just said.

“Jen, I asked if you want to go back home. We don’t need to do this, it’s okay. We’ve already come very far. We can turn back if you want.”

Jensen considers for a second, a huge part of him wants nothing more than to turn around and run back to his car, never looking back. But another part of him knows he needs to do this. Now that he’s here, he feels it more than ever, he needs to see it. So he looks at Jared, trying to give him a smile that comes out more like a grimace.

“I want to go there. Let’s continue on.”

Jared nods, and together they start moving again, even slower this time, as it gets more painful with every inch they go. They finally stop across the street from Ground Zero, not daring to cross. There are a few people here and there, lots of flowers and other tributes on the street, and when Jensen takes it all in, when he sees the huge empty block where once stood the World Trade Center, his breath falters. He remembers every detail about it. When he first came to interview and he thought it was so fucking amazing that he would get to work at the famous WTC. He knew so many people, the doorman who said good morning to him everyday, the girls at the reception desk, the cleaning guys. He took this path to work so many times, exiting the subway most days and walking along with so many others towards the buildings. God, he used to love this part of the city, he could see the Statue of Liberty from his office window, and it reminded him everyday how beautiful the city was.

He can still feel in his bones the exact moment the building trembled, the panic of not knowing what was happening. Trying to escape, all the while thinking about Jared, wondering if he would come. Jensen still has no idea how he was able to get out of the building, he was completely sure he was gonna die. There was so much dust and smoke. His lungs hurt in memory as he can smell it, feels the dark smoke filling up his lungs and suddenly he can’t breathe. Almost everyone he knew now is dead, they lost their lives because of some lunatics and he will never say good morning to the doorman again, or go up the elevator to his office, or see the statue again through his window.

Jensen thought Jared was dead, he had gone to the building to try and help people, help _him_ , and he almost lost his life. Instead, he lost the ability to walk forever, and it’s so not fair. And here is Jensen, completely unscathed while so many bodies couldn’t even be retrieved. Countless families couldn’t even bury their loved ones, and why? Before Jensen notices, his legs give out under him and he’s on his knees, all the strength leaving him. He grabs at his hair with both hands, his face wet with tears and he can’t breathe. His chest feels heavy, his lungs filled with dust. His brain feels like something has broken as all he can see in his mind is that day and the unfairness of it all.

He stays trapped is his memories, desperate, breathless, like there’s a huge hand squeezing his heart. A thousand years pass until he can finally feel a warmth on his face, and a familiar voice penetrates the fog in his brain.

“Jen… listen to me, please. Focus on my voice. It’s Jared, I’m here.”

Jensen shakes his head, unable to open his eyes. Fighting for breath, he manages to utter a few words. “No… I’m gonna… I’m gonna die… I need to get out…”

Jared’s voice grows closer. “You’re not gonna die, Jensen. It’s over. You’re out, you’re safe. Can you open your eyes for me, Jen? Please?”

His eyelids weigh a ton each, but the words give Jensen the strength to open them a little. Through the fog, he can see Jared’s face inches away from him, his hazel eyes wet, a deeply worried look on his face. He has both hands on either side of Jensen’s head, and Jensen tries to concentrate on that.

“That’s it, Jen. Can you take deep breaths? Like this.” Jared shows Jensen how to do it, inhaling and exhaling deeply, and Jensen tries to mimic it, focusing only on Jared’s eyes. It takes ages, but his lungs begin to feel a little lighter, his breathing becomes less erratic. He realizes he’s kneeling in front of Jared, and when he manages to focus on his boyfriend, taking in the worried look on his face, Jensen can’t keep hold himself up anymore. He collapses on Jared’s lap, wrapping his arms around his body, letting himself go lax. Jared rubs a hand on his back soothing him, the other caressing his hair as Jensen sobs. He cries for everything, for all the pain this place caused, for everything that has been lost here. For the devastation on so many levels.

Jensen can’t tell how long he stays like that, but eventually he feels better. He manages to look up and finds Jared’s face looking down at him, his own face wet and blotchy. Jensen swallows hard as he tries to find his voice.

“Sorry about that,” he whispers, and Jared’s hands land softly on his face.

“Never apologize for this, Jen. Please.”

Jensen pulls Jared down towards him and plants a gentle kiss on his mouth, needing to feel him. He used to think he had lost Jared here, but he didn’t. Jared is here, he’s alive. That’s what he focuses on. When they break apart, Jared reaches into his pants pocket, and fishes out the rosary. Jensen gets emotional again as he looks at it, his mind immediately flooded with those memories, when Jared found him and gave it to him right there. The rosary gave Jensen strength, it was the piece of Jared he was able to keep through it all. Balancing himself on one knee, Jensen grabs Jared’s hand, the rosary held tight between them, as they both stare at the empty space. They stay huddled together, neither of them saying a word. Jensen mourns what has been lost, but he finally allows himself to be thankful for the chance of being here. He can’t quite help still feeling guilty for that. But he’s still here, and he’s trying. Step by step, and he will get there, with Jared by his side.

“Let’s go.” Jensen finally says, unsure how long they have been there. He stands up as Jared puts the rosary back in his pocket, and with a final long look, Jensen takes Jared’s hand and they make their way back to the car. Jensen doesn’t say anything on the ride back home and Jared keeps quiet too. Jensen has no idea how he manages to drive back to Queens, other than the knowledge that he’s the only one who can drive and he really wants to go home. Jared keeps a tight grip on his hand, and it helps to keep him grounded.

When he parks in front of Jared’s place, Jensen doesn’t move. He feels numb after everything, and is only able to snap out of it when he feels Jared’s hand on his face, gently caressing his cheek.

“Jen?” Jensen slowly turns around and finds Jared’s worried face once again looking at him. “Do you want to go inside? I can make us something to eat. Or would you rather be alone?”

Jensen stares at his boyfriend for a few seconds before he makes up his mind. “I want to be alone except for you.”

Jared gives him a small smile and leans over to give him a chaste kiss. “Let’s go in, then. Chad is at Danni’s so we have the place to ourselves.”

They finally exit the car and get inside the house, Jensen keeping a hand on Jared’s shoulder because he needs the contact. Once in the house, Jensen moves to the couch and sinks down on it, feeling completely exhausted. He leans back and rests his head, closing his eyes for a second. He hears Jared saying he’s going to his bedroom for a bit, and he just manages to mumble an _okay_.

When Jensen comes to again, Jared is on the couch by his side, caressing his cheek with his hand. Jensen blinks a few times and frowns at his boyfriend.

“Jay? I thought you were going to your bedroom.”

Jared chuckles. “I did. And then I made sandwiches for us.” Jared motions with his hand and shows Jensen two plates with sandwiches and two Cokes at the coffee table. “You were out of it for a little while.”

Jensen straightens himself up on the couch, rubbing his eyes. “Shit. Sor…” He starts apologizing, but Jared shuts him up with a finger to his lips.

“Don’t. You were pretty drained, it was obvious you needed it.” Jared reaches over to get the plates from the table, careful with his balance, and hands one of them to Jensen. “Here, eat something. It will help.”

Jensen does as he’s told and they eat in silence, washing it down with the Cokes. When they are done Jensen grabs Jared’s plate and sets it along with his down on the table. Then he turns to Jared, taking hold of his hand and trying to collect his own rambling thoughts.

“Jay… sorry about the way I acted today. I don’t know what got to me.”

Jared just shakes his head. “Jensen, please. Stop apologizing. It’s okay. It’s completely understandable what happened to you. What you went through in there, I wasn’t expecting you to just be cool visiting the place. I shouldn’t have suggested that we go, I feel bad about you having to relive that again.”

“No need to feel bad, Jay. I could have said no. In fact, I’m glad we went there, despite everything, I needed to do this. I just…”

Jared raises his eyebrow as Jensen stops talking. “Just what?”

Jensen bites the inside of his cheek. “I can’t help but think I shouldn’t feel like this. I mean, look at all those people who died. People who never had a chance to get out and survive. I knew so many of them, Jay. And then there’s you, who didn’t even work there but now you have to pay the price for trying to help those that did for the rest of your life. I don’t have a single fucking scar on my body, and yet my brain thinks it’s okay to go and fuck up like that. I don’t get it.”

His eyes are wet again, he looks down at his and Jared’s entwined hand, and Jared runs his other fingers through Jensen’s hair. “God Jen, we talked about this before, remember? Just because your body is in one piece, it doesn’t mean you can’t and don’t suffer. Visiting the place where the WTC was affected you way more than it did me, even if I drew the short straw that day. You worked there, you were at the tower every day, you were there when the plane hit, you had to fight to leave it along with a huge crowd of terrified people, and then manage to escape blindly through all the fog and dust without a clue of what was happening. I can’t imagine how impossible that must have been. It’s totally understandable seeing it again would have a much bigger impact on you than me, who was only there doing my job, and was taken down not long after arriving. Don’t feel ashamed by your reaction, you have deep scars too, but on the inside. Your pain and trauma are valid in every way. I’m just glad I was there to catch you.”

Jensen blinks slowly, taking it all in. “Guess our roles were reversed.”

“I told you this once: don’t be ashamed to need a shoulder to cry on. You can also count on me to help you through this, you know. It’s a two way street.”

Jensen’s tears fall freely. “Thanks, Jay.”

Jared pulls him closer and Jensen rests his head on his shoulder. Jared is right, it’s good to have a shoulder to cry on sometimes, especially one that truly understands. The day hasn’t been easy at all, but being this close to Jared now, Jensen focuses on counting his blessings. And he counts Jared twice, literally.


	21. Chapter 21

_**Jared** _

When Jared arrived at the WTC with Jensen, he had been affected too of course. After all, that was the place where his life had changed forever. But even though Jared was emotional, he quickly noticed how distraught Jensen was. He realized his boyfriend was starting to have a panic attack, and Jared knew at that moment he would have to swallow down his emotions and be the strong one for the first time. Jensen needed him. Like Jared said to Jensen, it was understandable that he felt it way more than Jared since he was inside the building and went through the hell of what actually happened there that day. So Jared reversed their roles and helped Jensen the way Jensen has helped him so many times before. And it had actually felt nice to be the strong one for once, to actually be able to be there for Jensen.

Jensen has been shaken after their visit to the WTC, and Jared still feels bad for suggesting they go there, even if Jensen himself has said more than once that he’s glad he did it. So Jared gave Jensen time to heal after that emotional day, always being there for him, letting their relationship balance out.

It takes another two weeks for Jared to feel ready to take another step in bed with Jensen, testing if his dick can work or not. And when Jensen stays over for the night on a Saturday, Jared finally suggests they try and see if he can get it up, if Jensen wants to. Jensen feels excited about the idea, and they get to down to business eagerly. Jared lets Jensen undress him and finally take off his boxers, and Jensen gives him an appreciative look when he sees Jared’s cock for the first time.

“God Jared, you didn’t tell me you were hiding a treasure in there!” Jensen says, looking hungrily at Jared’s dick.

Jared shrugs and blushes. “We don’t even know if it works or not.”

“Let’s see then.” Jensen holds the member in his hand very gently, and Jared feels a pang in his heart when he’s not able to feel Jensen’s touch, although he can see it. He used to love to have someone touching his dick, or jerking him off, or even masturbating himself, and now he can’t have pleasure in that anymore. He tries to swallow down his hurt as Jensen starts his efforts in trying to get Jared’s dick to respond.

Jensen tries as much as he can to stimulate it as Jared instructs him how to do it based on what he has learned from the doctors, but despite his best efforts, it doesn’t work. The realization that it won’t happen hits Jared hard and he sinks down on the bed, his forearm covering his eyes.

“Jensen stop it, please,” he murmurs, already feeling his eyes tearing up.

“No Jay, we can try…” Jensen starts but Jared cuts him off, taking his arm off his face and looking at his boyfriend.

“No we can’t. It won’t happen. Stop it now, please.”

Jensen seems to pick up on the urgency in Jared’s voice because he lets go of his dick immediately, moving up so he’s lying right next to Jared, placing a hand on Jared’s face.

“I’m sorry baby. But it was only the first time, we can try again.”

Jared doesn’t answer, he just moves his body so he’s on his side, his back glued to Jensen, who cuddles him.

“Let’s just sleep.” Jared says, trying to keep his voice steady but failing at the end. Jensen places a kiss on the back of his neck, holding him tight. Jared stays awake for a long time, tears running down the side of his face.

*

A couple of days later, Jared is supposed to go to a party. The NY fire department reserves a nice bar once a year for a private gathering, and Jared has always loved those nights. The party was cancelled last year because of 9/11, but it’s happening this year. Chad had told Jared about the party a few weeks ago, and had begged Jared to go. Jared didn’t want to at first, not feeling comfortable around very many people even though the parties aren’t too wild, just a gathering of friends and co-workers with a hired band playing. Chad had suggested he bring Jensen, and when Jared asked Jensen if he wanted to go, Jensen had surprisingly agreed, and even showed enthusiasm with the prospect of a party.

“It could be fun to go to a nice party for a change even if we don’t drink. So I say let’s do it!” Jensen had said back then, and Jared had finally agreed to it.

Now the party is tonight and Jared doesn’t feel like going anymore. The failed attempt at getting his dick to work really brought Jared’s mood down, and the last thing Jared wants to do is party. He knows that they only tried the stimulation once, and the doctor had told Jared it could take a few times to actually work, but he can’t help but feel like a failure anyway. He has curbed all Jensen’s attempts of bringing the subject up. He knows his boyfriend can feel something is off with Jared, but he’s giving Jared the space he obviously needs right now. Jared just couldn’t bring himself to cancel their plans for tonight when Jensen seemed really excited. And after the hard days following the visit to Ground Zero, Jensen could use some fun. Also, Jared would never hear the end of it if he told Chad he wasn’t going. Plus he’d rather die before telling his best friend the real reason why he wants to cancel.

So Jared is ready by the time Jensen comes by to pick him up. Chad has already left since he’s going to pick up Danneel. Jared is actually surprised their relationship has lasted thus far, but at the same time he’s happy for his friends.

Jared hasn’t really paid much attention to his clothes tonight, going with just an olive green button down and light gray jeans. When he opens the door though, he’s met with Jensen who looks extremely gorgeous. He’s wearing a fucking slim fit navy blue henley shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and dark jeans that fit him perfectly. His hair is styled to the side with a dab of gel and he even has some sexy stubble on his face. Jared wants to hate him for looking so damn good.

“Hey baby!” Jensen leans over to give Jared a kiss, and his already bad mood makes even Jensen’s mouth taste sour. “Ready to go?”

Jared is not, but he plasters on a fake smile like he used to do, and nods. “Sure thing, let’s get going.”

*

As it turns out, the party isn’t so bad when they arrive. Jared’s mood doesn’t help, but he tries to cover it as best as he can, he doesn’t want to be a party pooper. They find Chad and Danneel having drinks at a table, and they join their friends. Some of the guys from his unit stop by to talk to Jared, see how he’s doing and Jared’s mood actually improves a bit with seeing some of his old buddies, even if it hurts to know he can’t join them anymore. But he tries to push it aside as best as he can. He knew what he would find here, so he sucks it up and tries to enjoy himself. Jensen brings them non-alcoholic drinks occasionally, and they spend time watching the band, which isn’t bad at all.

Eventually, Chad and Danni leave them so they can take a walk around the party, and soon Jared’s ex boss Jeff joins them at the table.

“Hey Jared! Chad told me you were here, it’s so nice to see you!”

Jared introduces Jeff to Jensen, and shortly thereafter Jeff has Jared engaged in a long conversation. Jared always knew Jeff liked him, Chad is constantly saying Jeff has asked about him, and he feels bad for going completely radio silent for the past year. So he talks to Jeff as best as he can. At some point, Jensen excuses himself to go get them fresh drinks, and a few minutes later, Jeff announces he should go since he has to mingle with everyone a little. Jared is left alone at the table and he feels a bit uncomfortable, and to be honest, also tired of being in the same place for so long. So he decides to go after Jensen at the bar.

Thankfully the place isn’t crowded, and he manages to make his way mostly undisturbed. When the bar finally comes into view and he spots Jensen, Jared’s heart stops at the sight in front of him. Jensen is leaning on the counter with his elbow, probably waiting for their drinks, and next to him, talking to him, is none other than Justin. Of course Justin would be here. He’s a firefighter too, and he loves parties. Jared feels dumb for forgetting this little detail.

Jensen can’t see Jared, so Jared just watches them. Justin is in full on flirting mode, he’s looking at Jensen as if he’s a piece of the most delicious meat. It’s crystal clear that Justin wants Jensen. He used to look at Jared like that once. Jensen, on the other hand, doesn’t seem too interested in what Justin is saying, he’s just being polite and apparently answering Justin’s questions, or so it seems. But as Jared watches them, his heart sinks, bit by bit.

Justin is so fucking ridiculously gorgeous. In fact, he’s even more gorgeous now with a new haircut and even more muscles under his very tight shirt. He has always been a head turner, and Jared can clearly picture in his mind girls throwing their panties at him. And then, there’s Jensen next to him. He might not be as built as Justin, but Jensen is naturally gorgeous with his perfect face. Those luminous eyes, his lush mouth, and his fit and solid body - of course Justin wants him, who wouldn’t? Jensen draws attention wherever he goes, and unlike Jared, it’s for all the right reasons.

Jared watches both of them at the bar, how great they look, how perfectly they fit. If they were a couple, people would eat themselves alive with jealousy. Then Jared looks down at himself, his own broken body which needs a goddamn wheelchair to move around in, his thin stick legs and crotch with a dick that doesn’t even work. He looks back at the two of them and suddenly wonders what’s the point. What is he even doing? He feels tears pricking his eyes, so he shakes his head and turns his chair around, going back to the table.

He rests his elbows on the surface and rubs his hands over his face. What _is_ he doing? How could Jared even think he could have a relationship with Jensen? There’s nothing he can offer him, Jensen deserves so much more. When Jared looks down, he notices the icing on the cake. There’s a big dark spot on the crotch of his pants. His cheeks feel flushed and hot, and Jared’s mortified. Jesus Christ, he can’t even go out and have a few drinks, non-alcoholic even, without pissing himself like a fucking child. He makes a ridiculous effort not to cry in the middle of the bar, pressing the heels of his hands on his eyes.

He feels someone sitting down beside him and a hand on his shoulder.

“Jay, what’s going on?” It’s Jensen’s voice, and that makes Jared’s heart hurt even more than it already is. He can’t do this anymore.

Slowly Jared turns around to face Jensen, who has a concerned look on his face that doesn’t suit him. Jensen needs someone who can make him happy, not have him worrying most of the time.

“I need to go home, Jensen.” His voice is hoarse, and Jensen frowns.

“What’s going on, Jay? The party's just starting, there’s another band playing soon!”

Jensen deserves someone who is able to enjoy a fucking night out with his boyfriend without having to leave early to deal with ridiculous problems. Jared doesn’t answer, too mortified to speak out loud, so Jensen asks again, more serious this time.

“Jay, what’s wrong? What happened?”

“I just fucking peed myself Jensen, that’s what’s happening!” Jared hisses, close to Jensen’s face so nobody else can hear, even if the music is loud.

Jensen’s expression immediately changes, becoming soft and full of pity. Great, just great. The last thing Jared needs is a boyfriend that pities him. God, this can’t be happening. Jared doesn’t wait any longer, he wheels backwards and away from the table, and starts making his way out from the party. He senses Jensen right behind him, but at this point he could wheel himself to his house if he had to - even if they are in Manhattan - he just needs to go home right now.

Jensen catches up with him right outside the bar, and he looks a bit breathless. “Come on Jay, I’ll drive you home.”

Jared doesn’t say a word as he wheels to Jensen’s car. He transfers himself quietly, putting his backpack on his lap so he can hide the dark spot there. He doesn’t say a single word during the ride home, the mere presence of Jensen in the car enough to put him on edge. He looks outside the passenger window the whole time, sensing Jensen’s eyes on him. When they arrive and Jensen turns off the engine, Jared still doesn’t move.

“Jay…” Jensen starts, turning to him, but Jared cuts him off.

“Just get my chair Jensen, please,” he says, without turning around. Jensen stares at him for a few seconds, then finally sighs and exits the car. He brings Jared’s chair, who transfers to it without looking at Jensen, and starts heading towards the door. Jensen’s footsteps follow him.

“Jay, wait!”

Jared stops but doesn’t turn around. He just turns his face enough so Jensen can hear him. “Go Jensen, please. Go home, leave me alone. We’ll talk later.”

Without waiting for an answer, Jared wheels inside and closes the door behind him. He goes straight to his room, going through his hated bathroom routine and changing out of his wet jeans and boxers. He lies down on his bed only in his underwear, he’s so tired but he can’t sleep, the tears he has been holding back streaming down his face freely now. He was such a fucking fool for thinking he could do this. Believing he had an actual chance to have a relationship with someone like Jensen.

Jared has been living a dream for the past several weeks, having someone so amazing as Jensen by his side as a lover and a friend, but he needs to go back to reality. He should have never let things go this far, he knew it would hurt so much more when it ended. This is the moment he feels his heart break into a million little pieces, when he prepares to do what’s right. He loves Jensen so much, way more than he could ever hope to receive back. To have him stuck in a relationship with someone with so many problems as Jared, it’s not fair to him, but Jared will fix it. He will let Jensen go even if it’s the most painful thing he is gonna face in his life.

_**Jensen** _

Jensen knows things aren’t good. The way Jared was acting yesterday, after Jensen went back to the table with their drinks, on the drive home and when they arrived back at Jared’s place. Jared had a little accident, and Jensen completely understands why Jared would be embarrassed as fuck, he would be too. But there was more to it than that. Jensen knew Jared hadn’t really been okay ever since their failed attempt of getting his dick up. Jensen had wanted to talk Jared through it together, but he figured his boyfriend needed a few days to work through the emotional fallout privately. He thought the party might cheer him up a bit, but it ended up having the complete opposite effect.

After Jared was inside, Jensen stayed in the driveway for a long time. He had wanted to go after him, like he did that day with the baseball game, but again, he thought it would be better to leave Jared alone for a while as he had outright asked. And it was a long, awful night, Jensen tossed and turned, barely getting any sleep at all.

On Sunday morning, he wants to go straight to Jared’s and talk to him, figure things out and see how he’s doing, but he had promised Chris he’d run some errands with him. Jensen sends a text to Jared, asking how he’s doing, but there’s no response. Throughout the whole morning and early afternoon, he texts and calls Jared, but there’s no answer. He’s getting more nervous by the minute, and Chris picks up on it.

“Jenny, what the fuck is going on?” He asks while they’re eating sandwiches.

“Jared was upset last night and I can’t reach him or get him to respond. I’m just anxious,” Jensen answers, once again trying to call Jared but failing to have him pick up.

Chris finishes his sandwich and wipes his mouth with a napkin. “Fine, let’s go home so you can talk to your boy, you’re making me nervous.”

Chris drops Jensen at Jared’s house, wishing him good luck. Jensen has a feeling he’s gonna need it. He walks up to the door and rings the doorbell with sweaty hands. It takes a few minutes and Jensen waits impatiently, trying hard not to ring again, and Jared finally opens the door.

When Jensen sees his boyfriend, he tries to smile but fails. Jared’s face is a mask of pain and fatigue, and Jensen’s concern ratchets up to the highest level.

“Jared, how are you? I was worried, you didn’t answer my calls or texts.” Jensen wants to lean over and kiss Jared, but he has a feeling it’s not a good time.

Jared looks at him for a few seconds before saying softly, “Come in, Jensen.”

He doesn’t wait as he leaves the door open and wheels himself to the living room. Jensen gets inside and follows Jared after closing the door, his heart beating a mile a minute. Jared waits by the couch as he asks Jensen to sit down. Jensen does, but Jared doesn’t join him like he normally would, staying in his wheelchair instead and not meeting Jensen’s eyes. This is not good.

“Jared, what’s going on?” Jensen asks and he is really scared now by Jared’s behavior.

Jared takes some deep breaths, looking down at his hands, face half hidden by his bangs, organizing his thoughts. Eventually he leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees, finally looking at him. Jensen notices for the first time Jared’s eyes are bloodshot. He has probably cried a lot overnight and it really hurts Jensen’s heart.

“Jensen…” Jared begins, fidgeting with his hands. “I’m trying to figure out where to start, but it’s so damn hard. I just don’t think we should do this anymore.”

Jensen frowns, a little slow on the uptake. “Do what?”

Jared makes a motion with his hand, indicating both of them. “This, Jensen. Us. I don’t think we should be together.”

Jensen’s heart sinks at those words, he heard Jared clearly but at the same time he thinks he got it wrong. “W--what? Why? We were doing just fine together Jared, what’s happening?”

Jared rubs a hand over his face, and then pats one of his wheels. “This is happening, Jensen. For a while I thought I could do this, but it turns out, I can’t. I can’t do this to you.”

Jensen has an idea where this is going, and he needs to convince Jared one more time. “Jared…” He starts, but Jared holds up a hand.

“No, Jensen. Just let me say it. I know you’ll say you don’t mind, but I do. This is the beginning, so you think you don’t mind now. But you will eventually. You don’t need a boyfriend who you have to spend hours in bed with trying and failing to get his dick up. A boyfriend who pisses himself and forces you to leave a party you were clearly enjoying. I… I saw you talking to Justin at the party.”

Jensen feels genuinely confused for a second. “Who?”

“When you went to get drinks for us at the bar while I was talking to Jeff. I saw you both.”

Suddenly Jensen remembers the guy that walked up to him while he was ordering their drinks. The guy had introduced himself and ordered a drink too, making small talk with Jensen. He was obviously interested in him, and Jensen was trying to be polite. When Justin had asked Jensen to join him at his table, Jensen had told him he was there with someone already, and Justin wasn’t pleased. Jensen had completely forgotten about him the moment he went back to the table and noticed how upset Jared was. Now that Jared is mentioning him, something clicks inside Jensen’s brain, and he remembers the conversation they had on the night they met, a lifetime ago. Justin, the firefighter ex-boyfriend.

“Shit Jared, that was your ex?”

Jared nods, looking down again. He swallows hard, and when he stares at Jensen, his eyes are wet and shining. “I went to join you after Jeff left because I wanted to get around a bit, and I saw you with Justin. I watched you guys for a little while, how you two looked together, side by side. God Jensen, you’re both so perfect and gorgeous. I kept looking at you two talking, and I couldn’t help but think what a beautiful couple you’d make. Not necessarily with Justin, but someone like him. And then I looked down at myself - my body, my legs, my wheels, and I suddenly felt ridiculous, you know? I mean, I asked myself ‘how did I even think I could compete with that? What was I thinking?’

“You deserve to be with someone who’s able to give you everything, Jensen. I mean, look at me. What can I possibly offer you? There are so many things I can’t do, so many places I can’t go, so much shit I have to deal with that comes with my disability. And those are all _my_ problems, not yours. I can’t make you deal with this when you’re not the one in a wheelchair, it’s not fair to you. I saw the way Justin was looking at you, how he wanted you. He would be able to give you what you deserve, not me. When he visited me at the rehab center I saw the way he looked at me, Jensen. Like he was fucking relieved he had dumped me before it all happened, so he didn’t have to deal with a crippled boyfriend. And he shouldn’t have to, he doesn’t need to. Just like you. I don’t want you to regret it down the road, when reality hits and you realize how hard it is, what you’re really missing out on. I’m sparing you the ordeal of having to come up with an excuse to break up with me when it becomes too much. I want you to be with someone who can give you what you deserve. And that’s not me.”

Jensen feels like his heart is being ripped out of his chest, he needs to do something to fix this, to make Jared believe this isn’t true. “Jay please…” He leans forward, mirroring Jared’s position, and his voice has a begging tone to it, but he can’t help it, he _is_ begging. “Don’t do this. I love you. You know that.” He wants to say more, but his brain has apparently shut down in shock.

Jared looks at him, tears falling down his face. “I love you too, Jensen, so fucking much. More than you can even imagine. This is killing me but it’s why I have to do this. You may love me now, but I don’t want you to resent me in the future, when it gets to be too much. More than anything, I want your happiness, Jensen. And I don’t think that’s with me. Maybe we can still be friends in the future, but I don’t think we should see each other for a while.”

Jensen just stares at Jared, mouth agape, his brain completely blank. Jared is breaking up with him and Jensen doesn’t know what to do. “Jay… please don’t do this.” It’s all he can say, he wants to say more but everything is a huge fog right now and he can’t think clearly.

“I need to do this, Jensen. I’m doing what’s best for you.”

Jensen wants to say that no, _Jared_ is what’s best for him, but his throat has closed up and there are tears forming in his eyes.

Jared looks to the side, a hand gripping his wheel. “You should go.”

Jensen reaches out, but Jared wheels backwards, away from him, still looking anywhere but Jensen. “Please, Jensen.”

Jensen lets his gaze wander over Jared for several moments, completely lost for words before finally getting up. “Okay, I’ll go for now. But this is not over.” He needs to organize his thoughts before reasoning with Jared, and everything is too overwhelming right now. Jensen quickly walks out of Jared’s place, and when he’s out on the street, he finally lets out all the tears he had tried holding back. Jared just dumped him. They aren’t together anymore and Jensen doesn’t even know how this happened. One day everything was fine and today they aren’t a couple anymore. Jensen’s heart feels like it just broke in half, and he has no idea what to do, the pain washing over his body.

*

Jensen walks around the neighborhood for God knows how long, and with each pass he gets more desperate. Jared just left him, the only good thing in his life, the person who made everything bright again. Jared’s gone and Jensen can feel himself sliding back into the hole he’d crawled out of with Jared’s light to guide him. He feels lost, he doesn’t know what to do, where to go. He sits down on a curb and his brain feels more screwed up by the minute, his whole body aches with the loss of Jared. He’d finally been able to breathe again and it feels like someone just pushed him back underwater, holding him there. It feels like drowning, and Jensen just needs something to help overcome the increasing weight and pain.

He hears muffled noises and realizes he has been hiding his face in his hands for some time as he rocks back and forth. He looks up at the sound, his vision blurred by tears and there are people coming down the street, in his direction. They are close, and there are a lot of them. They walk by, surrounding him, and Jensen can’t breathe. He tries to get up, stumbling on his feet a couple of times, and he’s right in the middle of a protest or something; people are holding signs that Jensen can’t read. He just needs to escape, he can’t breathe, the walls are closing in on him and he’s gonna _die_.

Jensen fights to get away, he walks in the opposite direction, past and around all those people and he can do it, the end is right there through a wall of thick dust, and when he reaches it, when all those people have walked away, he bends over and coughs his lungs out. He needs something to end the increasing pain, his throat is so dry, he still feels a heavy weight and breathing is so damn difficult. When Jensen is finally able to stand up straight again and open his eyes, he takes a look around and realizes where he’s at. How very handy.


	22. Chapter 22

_**Jared** _

Jared feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest and stomped over, broken into a million pieces. It’s his own fault but he _had_ to.

Jensen left a while ago and Jared feels like a zombie. He hasn’t eaten anything, he only remembered to do his bathroom routine because he can’t have another accident right now. The image of Jensen’s face when Jared broke up with him is imprinted on his brain, and Jared just doesn’t know what is right and what’s wrong. He isn’t sure of anything anymore, the emotional part of him tells him he did the right thing: Jensen needs someone who can offer what Jared can’t. He knew from the moment he first sat in that damned chair that his love life was over, yet he went and gave it a shot with Jensen knowing it could end badly. And here it is, the moment his heart shatters. On the other hand, the rational part of him says that he’s an asshole, Jensen loves him and he has told him more than once that he doesn’t mind the wheelchair. Well, he doesn’t mind it _now,_ supplies his snarky brain. The future is a whole other ordeal. But letting Jensen go is the most painful thing Jared has ever faced, even more so than when the doctor told him he would never be able to walk again. Jared never thought something could be worse than that, yet here it is.

Thankfully Jared is alone for the day. Chad came home after the party asking why Jared had left early, and he had lied saying his back was hurting. His friend left him alone after that, and when Jared finally found the strength to move out of the bedroom, Chad had already left for work. He left Jared a note saying he is going to Danneel’s tonight, and to call if he needs anything. Jared is fucking relieved he doesn’t need to explain to Chad why it looks like someone just killed Jared’s puppy.

The truth is, he doesn’t know what to do without Jensen. He had given Jared the will to live again, he’d returned color to a world that had become dull. Jared was finally looking forward to his future with Jensen in it, and now all of that is gone. _Because_ of Jared. Maybe he screwed up. But he is certain he did the right thing for them both in the long run. Right?

The doorbell rings, and Jared catches himself willing with all his heart that Jensen’s come back so they can talk more. They should talk more. So he wheels to the door as fast as he can, opening it in a rush, but it’s not Jensen at the doorstep.

It’s Chris.

“Chris?” Jared frowns, wondering what the hell he’s doing here, looking anything but pleased.

“Hi Jared. I came to see if Jensen is here.”

Jared frowns. “What do you mean is he here? He left a long time ago, I thought he would be home by now.”

Chris’ face transforms and is a mask of worry now. “I dropped him off here hours ago and he didn’t come home. I’ve tried calling him a million times but he won’t answer. Your phone is turned off, I just assumed you’d be together by now doing God knows what. But he’s not here and I have no idea where he is.”

Jared’s heart sinks. Where the hell did Jensen go?

“I…” Jared starts, wheeling backwards into the house so Chris can follow him. This isn’t a conversation they can have at the door. “Something happened and he left… I don’t know where he is either.”

Jared leads them to the living room and turns around to face Chris, who looks very pissed.

“What the fuck happened, Jared?”

Chris crosses his arms and waits. Jared really doesn’t want to share what happened with Chris, but he has a feeling he has no option, he knows Chris won’t leave until he gets an answer.

“I kinda broke up with him,” Jared says, wincing. It hurts to even say it.

“WHAT?” Chris pretty much yells, eyes widening as he takes in what Jared just said. “Why the fuck did you break up with Jensen? Are you crazy?”

Jared sighs and wheels closer to the couch, motioning for Chris to sit. He hates looking up to talk to people. Chris glares at Jared for a minute, but finally huffs and sits down on the couch’s arm, crossing his arms again and looking threatening. “Talk.”

Jared decides to rip off the band-aid. “I let him go because I don’t think he should be with me, that’s all. Jensen is an amazing person who needs a great guy, not a cripple like me.”

Jared hasn’t referred to himself as a cripple for a while now, but it’s the truth, even though it hurts to say it.

Chris frowns, cocking his head to the side. “Wait, you broke up with Jensen because you’re in a wheelchair? Is that it?”

“Yes. He has nothing to do with the shit I have do deal with. And he shouldn’t have to. He should be with someone who is able to give him everything, equally.”

Chris stares at Jared in shock, mouth agape, then slowly shakes his head. “God Jared, you’re so fucking stupid!”

“Excuse me?”

Chris throws his arms to the side. “You’re stupid Jared. Are you sure your head wasn’t affected in your accident too? Do you honestly think Jensen cares about that? Do you think he would be with you and do everything he’s done for you if he cared about that in the least?”

Jared doesn’t answer, he just feels his cheeks heating up. Chris leans forward and continues. “I had to play the devil’s advocate with him before you began dating officially. I asked if he didn’t mind dating a paralyzed guy.”

Jared raises his eyebrows. “You did? What… what did he say?” He wants to know but at the same time he’s dreading to hear the answer.

“He said he doesn’t care, Jared! That you not being able to walk is the least important thing to him. I can see it in his face that he thinks the sun shines out of your ass. Or wheels, whatever. And you’ve gone and screwed everything up, goddamn you!”

At Chris’ words, Jared is really starting to believe he may have made a colossal mistake. What if Jensen _really_ doesn’t mind? He has shown Jared so many times that he cares about him, perhaps he is really okay with it as he’s said repeatedly. The two parts of Jared are fighting to decide what’s right and what’s wrong and he’s trapped in the middle, completely unsure now.

Jared chews the inside of his cheek as he tries to think through the war in his brain. “I think… maybe I did screw everything up. I didn’t even let him speak. God Chris, I’m such an idiot.”

Chris nods, emphatically. “I’m glad we agree on that.” He gets up from the couch. “Now excuse me, I need to go find Jensen and fix up this whole mess you’ve made. “

Chris starts walking to the door and Jared quickly grabs his phone from the side table. “I’m coming with you.”

Chris stops and turns around, an angry look on his face. “No, you’re not.”

Jared doesn’t back down and his expression matches Chris’. He can be a stubborn ass when he needs to. “Oh yes I am. I caused all of this, I’m not gonna stay here while you’re out there looking for him. _I’m coming with you._ ”

Chris scowls at him through half-closed lids. Finally he scoffs. “Fine! But hurry up, we’re wasting time.”

Jared grabs his keys and closes the door behind him, following Chris to his car. Chris opens the door wide for him, and Jared quickly transfers to the seat. He asks Chris to put his chair in the trunk, it’s a high one so he doesn’t have to take the wheels off or lower the backrest, which makes things easier. Once everything is taken care of, Chris starts driving around the neighborhood, trying to find any signs of Jensen. Meanwhile, Jared tries to call him numerous times, but Jensen doesn’t answer.

They drive around for what seems like forever, Jared growing more anxious and Chris angrier by the minute. What if Jensen did something stupid? He wouldn’t… would he? Jared feels his eyes welling up but he takes a deep breath, he won’t cry now. Instead of calling again, he sends Jensen a text this time. He knows it’s useless, but he doesn’t have anything else to try.

_Where are you?_

Jared holds the phone in a tight grip, and surprisingly after a couple of minutes, it beeps. Jared quickly flips it open, revealing a text from Jensen. Almost crying with relief, he opens it. What he reads makes his stomach sink.

 _Having the strongest beer on tap, got stood up_.

“Oh my God.” Jared covers his mouth with a hand, having to read the words again for it to sink in.

He notices Chris is pulling over to the side of the street, stopping the car. “Is it Jensen? What did he say?”

Jared turns to Chris, his hands sweaty. “I think I know where Jensen is.” He gives directions to the bar where they met for the first time, and Chris wastes no time in driving there, Jared praying all the time that Jensen is okay and that he’s actually there.

Chris finally parks in front of the bar, and opens his door. “I’ll be right back.”

Jared grabs his forearm before Chris has a chance to get out of the car. “Get my chair, please.”

Chris shakes his head, trying to free himself from Jared’s grip. “You wait here, I’ll go try to find him.”

Jared lifts an eyebrow, more determined than ever. He’s _not_ staying in the car. He wishes so fucking much he could just jump out and run to Jensen, but he doesn’t have time for this. “You get my damn wheelchair right now or I'm dragging my ass on the floor until I can get to Jensen!”

And he’s so not bluffing. He opens his own door, fully intending to get down on the floor and go after Jensen, and finally Chris nods, rolling his eyes. “Fine!”

He runs to the trunk and grabs Jared’s chair, bringing it to him, who thanks him and transfers to it. Both of them quickly make their way into the bar, thankfully it isn’t crowded since it’s a Sunday. They take a look around, and finally Jared spots Jensen, sitting at a table, alone. He wheels as fast as he can towards him, and when Jared arrives at the table, he notices there are some empty beer mugs and whiskey tumblers on it. Jensen is holding a half full tumbler of whiskey in his hand, staring intently at it.

“Jensen?”

Slowly, Jensen lifts his head. His eyes are bloodshot, face flushed. “What ‘re you doing here, J’red? Thought you didn’t wanna see me no more.” His voice is slurred, his eyes unfocused, Jensen is clearly wasted. That brings tears to Jared’s eyes again, because he caused this. Jensen was doing so good, but he just had a relapse because of Jared’s stupidity.

Jared grabs Jensen’s bicep, who weakly tries to move away, but Jared doesn’t let him. “I’m sorry, Jen. Come on, let’s get you home.”

“’m not finished!” Jensen says out loud, and Jared grabs the glass from his hand and moves it away from him. Jensen pretty much collapses on the chair like a dead weight.

“Yes you are, let’s go.” For a moment Jared hates that he can’t get Jensen on his feet and help him out of the bar, and he looks at Chris, silently asking for help. Chris leans down and places both arms under Jensen’s armpits, getting him upright. Jensen doesn’t move, too out of it, so Chris places Jensen’s arm around his shoulders and his own around Jensen’s waist.

“Come on, Jenny. Time to go home.” Jared leaves a few bills on the table, enough to cover what Jensen may have drank, and follows them out of the bar. Chris sits Jensen on the backseat as Jared transfers back to the front seat, and once everyone is settled, Chris drives them back home. Jared turns around to check on Jensen a few times, but he’s pretty much out of it, and nobody says a word during the ride.

When they arrive at Jensen and Chris’ building, Chris gets Jared’s chair first, then gives him a key.

“Unlock the apartment, I’ll bring Jensen.” Jared does as he’s told, unlocking the door and turning on the lights in the living room and in Jensen’s room. Soon, Chris arrives with Jensen, depositing him on the bed. Jensen doesn’t move, just closes his eyes and passes out. Chris turns to Jared.

“You can go home, I’ve got this.”

Jared just shakes his head, wheeling next to the bed and touching Jensen’s forearm. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay the night and take care of him.”

Chris gives him a disbelieving look, and opens up his mouth but Jared doesn’t let him speak. “I can do this okay, I’m not useless.”

Chris holds up both hands defensively. “Hey, I wasn’t gonna say that!”

Jared sighs, turning around to look at Jensen. “I know it’s all my fault. And I’ll fix it. Just let me do this Chris, I need to do it.”

Chris seems to pick up the sincere, almost begging tone in Jared’s voice, and he finally surrenders. “Fine! You can stay and take care of him. And you better unbreak things with Jensen once he is conscious. Just let me know if you need anything.”

Chris turns around to leave, but Jared stops him, something coming to him. “Actually…” Chris stops and turns to face him again, waiting. Jared hates to ask this from Chris, but if he’s staying, he has no other option. “Do you think you can go to my place and get my backpack? I just… if I’m staying the night there’s some stuff that I need and I can’t go without.” Basically, the things he needs to go to the bathroom, like his catheters and other supplies, and Jared didn’t have the time to get his backpack in the rush to go get Jensen.

“Yeah okay.” Chris apparently notices how hard it is for Jared to ask this and that he wouldn’t if he had another option. Jared gives Chris his keys and directions on where to find what he needs, and Chris leaves them alone.

Jared carefully runs a hand over Jensen’s face, but he’s out cold. He smells like alcohol, and Jared wishes he could just put him under a shower spray, but Jensen won’t wake up for that. God, he hates himself for doing this to Jensen. He shouldn’t have made Jensen leave his house, they should have talked this through, but Jared just had to be an asshole. Suddenly he feels so tired, like physically worn-out tired. He has been feeling like this for a couple of days now, which didn’t help his already flagging mood, but now it’s worse. He just sucks it up and springs into action.

He removes Jensen’s shoes and socks, and with a lot of effort, his jeans too. Jared is used to legs that don’t move, so he manages. Chris comes back soon with Jared’s pack, and he thanks him. Chris tells Jared again to call if he needs anything, and leaves to head to his own apartment.

Jared really feels drained. He slowly wheels to the bathroom to try and find some advil in the medicine cabin. He also gets a bottle of water from the fridge and places both of them on the nightstand as Jensen will need those when he wakes up. God, this is such a mess, Jensen is in this situation all because of Jared when he had been doing so well. Jared leaves Jensen as he goes to the bathroom for his nightly routine. He transfers to the toilet, which is already hard since there are no bars on the walls, and it’s even worse now, since it feels like his body has doubled in weight and he doesn’t know why. He feels odd, uncomfortable in his own skin, and thinks it’s the stress and adrenaline from the day taking its toll on him. He just needs to sleep it off.

Once Jared is done, he considers his options. He should probably sleep on the couch, but he would be too uncomfortable on it, and it definitely wouldn’t be good for his body. In the guest room there’s only a mattress, not a bed, and Jared isn’t sure about his abilities to transfer back to the chair in the morning, especially since he isn’t feeling too good. If he’s catching the flu or something, God knows how he’ll wake up. So his only other option is sharing the bed with Jensen. He hopes Jensen doesn’t mind, they are technically broken up now but it’s the only way. So Jared adjusts the covers over Jensen, who hasn’t moved an inch, and gets close to his face. He leans over and places a hand on Jensen’s cheek, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead.

“I love you,” Jared whispers against his skin. “I’m so sorry.”

Jared wipes away a tear from his cheek and wheels to the other side of the bed. His arms feel so heavy as he transfers onto the bed, and Jared truly hopes he’s feeling better in the morning. He adjusts his legs so he’s lying on his side, facing the wall and as far away from Jensen as the bed allows. This bed brings a lot of memories - both good and bittersweet, and Jared truly wishes they can fix things and that Jensen will forgive him. When Jared finally falls asleep it’s from pure exhaustion, Jensen’s steady breathing lulling him to unconsciousness.

_**Jensen** _

When Jensen wakes up, his head feels heavy, and it’s like someone is hammering his brain. God, what the hell happened? He opens his eyes slowly, noticing he’s in his room. He doesn’t remember getting here last night. He tries to think about what happened. He went to Jared’s house because Jared wasn’t answering his calls and texts.

Fuck, Jared broke up with him. He said they shouldn’t be together. Jensen’s heart aches just remembering the one sided conversation. He left, started wandering around, and then there were so many people, and a joint panic/anxiety attack hit. He wound up at the place he met Jared for the first time, and holy shit. That’s why he feels like utter trash. He drank his sorrows away last night, and he feels like a failure. He had tried so hard, and now look at him back to square one. Rob will be so disappointed.

Bits and pieces float into memory and he remembers Jared was there. At the bar, he has a faint memory of Jared there. Did he find him? Did Jared change his mind? Maybe they can talk this through after all? All Jensen knows is that he can’t be without Jared, that is not an option. He will talk to him and make him see that Jensen really loves him. It has to be okay.

Jensen throws his legs to the side and sits up on the bed, his head spinning. He closes his eyes for a minute, trying to make the dizziness stop. When he opens them, he notices a bottle of water and two Advils on the nightstand. He wants to believe it’s Jared’s doing but it was probably Chris. He takes the pills and downs almost the whole bottle. Preparing to get up, he takes a look around, noticing he’s not alone.

Jared’s lying on the other side of the bed, facing the opposite direction, deep asleep. Jensen stares at him in wonder, and he’s deeply touched, his eyes watering. Jared stayed for him, just like Jensen stayed for Jared all that time ago. So perhaps things aren’t over yet, they can definitely talk this through. Deciding to let Jared sleep for as long as he needs, Jensen just runs a hand over his sleeping face, very gently. And that’s when he notices something’s wrong.

Jensen quickly turns on the light and climbs onto the bed on all fours, so he can get a better view of Jared. His face is very flushed, and when Jensen touches his skin again, he notices Jared is burning hot. Jared’s sweating so much his hair is plastered against his forehead and cheek, he’s also trembling as if he’s cold, and Jensen is instantly on alert. As gently as possible, he grabs Jared’s shoulder and turns him so he’s lying on his back, straightening his legs as well. Jensen yanks the blanket away, and notices Jared’s shirt is drenched in sweat. He grabs both his shoulders and shakes him.

“Jared? Jared wake up!” There’s no response, and Jensen begins to get desperate. His head still hurts like a motherfucker and he can’t think straight, doesn’t know what to do. He takes a quick look around and notices Jared’s phone is on the nightstand, so he quickly picks it up and dials Chris’ number.

It rings a few times and his friend’s sleepy voice finally answers. “Jared, everything okay with Jensen?”

“CHRIS!” Jensen yells, not minding one bit he probably woke Chris up. “Something is wrong with Jared, get down here now please!”

Jensen doesn’t wait for an answer as he throws the phone on the bed, focusing on Jared again. He shakes him one more time, more forcefully. “JARED! Please talk to me!”

Jensen pats his face, and there’s finally some fluttering under his eyelids. “That’s it Jay, open your eyes for me!”

Jensen hears the front door open and Chris running to the bedroom. “What’s happening?” He asks in a rushed voice, walking up to the bed to see what’s wrong.

Without taking his eyes off Jared, Jensen answers his friend. “I don’t know! His skin is burning up and he’s all sweaty. He must have a high fever, and he won’t open his eyes! I don’t know what to do Chris!”

Chris apparently does, because he picks his phone and dials something. “I’m calling 911.”

Jensen doesn’t pay attention to what Chris is saying, he focuses on Jared instead. He speaks close to Jared’s face, and finally sees hazel eyes open a fraction. They are glassy and unfocused for a few seconds, then slowly find Jensen’s.

“Jen?” His voice is a mere whisper, but Jensen is so glad to hear it.

“That’s it Jay, I’m here.” His own voice breaks, and Jensen realizes his eyes are wet.

“Jen… I don’t feel so good.” Jared struggles with every word, and Jensen nods.

“I know baby, we’re getting you help, okay?” Jared gives a weak nod, and suddenly Chris is by his side.

“The ambulance is on the way.” He hands Jensen a bottle of water. “Try and give him some.”

Jensen gently places an arm behind Jared’s shoulders and lifts his torso, holding him up, and puts the bottle to his lips. “Drink some water, Jay.” Jared does as he’s told but only manages a few sips. Jensen hands back the bottle to Chris, who gives him a cool, wet cloth. Jensen places it on Jared’s forehead, and the cloth warms almost instantly. Chris keeps giving him fresh ones and Jensen places them over Jared’s face and neck. Jared tries to keep his eyes open but fails, and Jensen keeps talking to him to try and keep him awake. He only gets mumbles for an answer, but that’s enough for now. Finally the ambulance arrives, and Chris brings the paramedics to the bedroom.

Jensen reluctantly gets off the bed so they can work on Jared. Jensen explains that Jared is burning hot and sweating, and he doesn’t know why. He also tells them Jared is paraplegic, Jensen doesn’t know if this may have something to do with what’s happening to him.

“Does he have a spinal cord injury?” One of the paramedics asks, and Jensen nods. “Do you know which vertebrae? If it’s complete or incomplete?”

Jensen tries to search his brain and remember what Jared told him. “It’s T10 complete.” The guy nods, and focuses on Jared. They move him to a gurney and strap him in, placing a oxygen mask on his face.

“We’re taking him to the hospital,” the paramedic says. Jensen asks if he can go with them, and is allowed. Jensen quickly grabs his pants from a nearby chair and puts them on, along with his flip flops which are the first thing he finds. He follows the paramedics out of the apartment, Chris right behind him.

“I’ll meet you at the hospital.”

Jensen nods and turns his face around to answer. “Call Chad, please!”

Jensen watches Jared being wheeled inside the ambulance and climbs in, sitting next to him. Jared’s eyes are half opened and he focuses on Jensen who is holding his hand. Jared frowns, silently asking what’s happening.

“It’s gonna be okay, Jay. You’ll be fine.” Jared weakly squeezes Jensen’s hand, and Jensen instantly gets what he means. “I won’t leave your side, I promise. I’m here.”

Jared nods once, and his eyes slip closed. They don’t open again until they reach the hospital, and Jensen doesn’t let go of Jared’s hand. He watches as Jared is wheeled away to the emergency room with his heart aching, and all he can do is sink down on one of the plastic chairs in the waiting area.

He buries his face in his hands and sobs, begging for Jared to be okay. Because for Jensen, there isn’t another option.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=is3fRz2hqgw&)

_**Jensen** _

When Chris arrives at the hospital, Chad in tow, Jensen is still crying. His eyes are puffy and sore and he still feels like he can’t breathe, but he doesn’t care. This time it’s for a different and more important reason. The guys take the seats on either side of Jensen, and Chad is the first to speak.

“How is he?”

Jensen looks up and notices how deeply worried Chad is. He has never seen him like that, but maybe Jensen himself is mirroring his expression.

“He’s…” Jensen tries to speak even though his throat is closed up. “They took him, I don’t know what’s happening.”

More tears well up in Jensen’s eyes, and Chris rubs his back as he begins to cry again. He needs to know how Jared is, he wants to run inside those doors and demand they tell him how Jared’s doing. He was fine yesterday, Jensen saw him, how did this happen overnight? Jared needs to be okay. They need to have a talk, Jensen has a lot of things to say to him, first of all, not to scare him like this.

Chad leans closer, voice full of concern. “Chris told me he had a high fever when you woke up.”

Jensen nods. “He was burning up and sweating like crazy.”

“Sounds like an infection, maybe. He’s gonna be okay, Jensen. He has to be.” The last part is said in a whisper, and Jensen realizes how hard this must be for Chad too, they’re best friends. He was there when the beam fell on Jared, when he was in a coma for days, not knowing if his friend would wake up or not. And when Jared overdosed, Chad was there again. As nerve-wracking as this is for Jensen right now, it has to be just as much for Chad, who has seen his best friend going through shit over and over again. Jensen squeezes Chad’s arm in solidarity.

“He will be.” He’s trying to assure both of them that Jared is going to be okay.

They wait for what seems like hours, maybe days, Jensen has no idea. Chris has called Jensen’s office to let them know there’s an emergency, but Jensen couldn’t care less. All he can think about is that his Jared is behind those doors somewhere, and Jensen has no clue what’s happening. All he knows is that if Jared is okay he won’t let him go, ever. He’s gonna fight for them and make Jared see just how much Jensen loves him for who he is. He hopes Jared is fighting hard to overcome whatever this is.

Finally, the doctor comes out to ask who’s there for Jared Padalecki and Jensen jumps out of the chair, Chris and Chad right behind him.

“How is Jared?”

The doctor extends his hand. “I’m Doctor Beaver, I’ve been taking care of Jared. And you are?”

Jensen is not in the mood for introductions but he figures it’s better not to contradict the doctor, so he takes the offered hand. “I’m Jensen, Jared’s boyfriend.” Well, _technically_ , his ex-boyfriend, not that Jensen believes that in the first place.

“It’s nice to meet you, Jensen. First of all, I’m gonna tell you that Jared is stable.” Jensen lets out a deep breath at that, Jared is okay, he will be _fine_. The doctor continues. “He has a bad urinary tract infection. That’s very usual in patients with a spinal cord injury, especially a complete one like Jared’s. Since he uses a catheter to urinate, he’s more prone to get an infection, which is why he has such a high fever. We’re treating him with antibiotics, and we’ll be watching him for the next twenty-four hours and see if the medicine is working while monitoring the fever.”

Jensen takes it all in. An infection, like Chad said. That’s scary, but Jensen is sure Jared will be okay. They are gonna treat him and Jared will be home soon. “Can… can I see him, doc?”

“Jared is being transferred to the ICU. He’s gonna be sedated for a while so his body can rest and focus only on the recovery. You can see him in a bit, but only for a very short visit, at least until we are sure the infection is under control.”

Jensen nods, feeling completely lost. Doctor Beaver places a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Jensen, I’m positive Jared will make a full recovery. He’s young, and despite his paraplegia, he’s healthy. He’s a fighter.”

Jensen has no doubts about that. Jared is the biggest fighter Jensen has ever known. After the doctor tells them to ask for him if there’s any more questions, Jensen thanks him. He collapses back on the chair, burying his face in his hands again. Jared is okay. Jensen didn’t lose him. It will all be okay.

*

The nurse finally comes to get Jensen so he can go see Jared. She makes him wash his hands and put a disposable gown over his clothes. He does so as quickly as possible, and she lets him into Jared’s room.

When Jensen sees Jared, his eyes water again. He’s lying on a bed that looks too big and white, eyes closed, a nasal cannula strapped around his face, a beeping machine attached to him. Jensen gets closer to him and sits down on a chair next to the bed. Jared is so pale even though his cheeks are flushed. Jensen picks up Jared’s hand, and his skin is still very warm. He brings it close to his face, placing a tender kiss on it.

“Hey Jay…” Keeping his hold on Jared’s hand, he runs the other one over Jared’s face lightly. “You scared the crap out of me, you know that? But you will be okay, I promise. And we’re gonna have a damn long talk, you hear me? I will kick your ass for thinking you could leave me like that.” Jensen gets up and places a lingering kiss on Jared’s forehead this time, tears falling on his lover’s face. “I love you Jay, so much. You have no idea. Come back to me soon, please. I’m waiting and I miss you.”

Jensen stays with Jared until the nurse comes to kick him out. She says Jared needs to rest and they are gonna monitor his fever and run a few blood tests to see how the infection is doing, if the antibiotic is working. All they can do now is wait.

Jensen goes back to the waiting room and tells Chad and Chris how it went. Chris tries to convince Jensen to go home and rest, but one look from him makes his friend shut up. Jensen isn’t leaving until he’s sure Jared is okay.

Chris has to leave to take care of some business, and he promises to return later with a change of clothes and personal things for Jensen. In the afternoon Danneel joins them too, and the doctor comes to tell them they are gonna have to change the antibiotics because the one they are using on Jared isn’t working.

Jensen starts crying again, what if Jared isn’t okay? What if the doctor arrives and tells them that the infection took over Jared’s body? What if Jensen loses him after all? Suddenly Jensen needs to get away. He runs out of the hospital, and goes for a walk. He needs to clear his mind, everything today is just an emotional mess, and he’s not even considering the fact that he had a relapse and got drunk last night. First Jared needs to be okay, then Jensen will worry about the rest. Jensen tries not to think what his life would be like without Jared, he can’t. From their break up alone Jensen’s world collapsed completely within hours. If he lost Jared altogether? Jensen isn’t sure how he could go on.

When he comes back to the hospital, he finds Chad and Danneel at the same place, still no news. He sends them home to rest, he can see how tired Chad is, he has spent too much time at the hospital already on other occasions, now it’s Jensen’s turn. Chris returns in the evening, making sure Jensen eats a sandwich and cleans up by washing his face, brushing his teeth and changing into clean clothes. The night nurse tells them that Jared’s fever went down a little, and that’s good news. Jensen feels a bit relieved, and he’s allowed to see Jared for five minutes. He spends them holding Jared’s hand, and asking him to wake up soon.

Jensen sleeps in the plastic chair next to Chris, barely getting any rest. He feels exhausted, but he needs to know Jared will be okay. In the morning, Doctor Beaver comes to talk to Jensen again, who quickly gets up to greet the doctor.

“How is Jared, doc?”

The doctor chuckles. “Good morning to you too, Jensen. Well, I’m happy to report the new antibiotic worked just fine and blood tests showed that Jared is healing from the infection, his fever is almost gone. He’s still gonna be sedated for a while to completely recover, but I’m positive he is gonna be just fine.”

Jensen feels a weight lift from his chest and takes a deep breath. Jared is okay. He is _okay_.

The doctor lets Jensen see Jared for a few minutes, and he cries with relief when he feels Jared’s skin is at a normal temperature, and he’s not flushed anymore, his pallor lifting. The nurse tells Jensen that if Jared keeps improving, he will be transferred to a regular room during the day, and that he should go home and rest for a few hours. Jensen doesn’t want to go, but when he almost falls on Chris when he goes back to the waiting room, his friend pretty much drags him home after making sure the nurses will call if anything changes, and Jensen has no other choice.

*

When Jensen enters his bedroom, the first thing he notices is Jared’s wheelchair next to the bed, where he left it the previous night. Jensen gets emotional again, he misses Jared so much. They have been apart for only a couple of days, but goddamn, Jensen misses him. He misses Jared’s voice, his smile, his touch. He misses everything.

After taking a quick shower, Jensen lies down on his bed to get a couple of hours of sleep. And if he sleeps on Jared’s side, where he can still smell him faintly on the pillow, an arm on the seat of his wheelchair, nobody can judge him.

When Jensen returns to the hospital, he learns that Jared has been transferred to a regular room. He had talked to Chad earlier, who had to go to work but promised he’d come to the hospital later, and was very happy to hear Jared is doing better. The nurse leads him to Jared’s room, and it’s so much better to see he’s out of the ICU. Jared still has the nasal cannula, but the nurse tells him it’s just a precaution.

Jensen has been by Jared’s bed for a couple of hours when he notices little movements coming from Jared, as well as fluttering under his eyelids.

“Jay?” Jensen grabs Jared’s hand and leans closer. “Jay, I’m here, open your eyes for me baby.”

Very slowly, Jared opens his eyes, and turns his head a bit to find Jensen. Jensen smiles through his tears. “Welcome back, Jay.”

Jared opens his mouth, and with some effort, he mouths, “What happened?” His voice is barely audible, but it’s still the best sound Jensen has ever heard.

“You had an infection, but you’re gonna be okay, Jay.” Jensen runs a hand on Jared’s hair. “I’m gonna stay here with you.”

Jared nods, and he’s asleep again not even a minute later. Jensen can’t stop smiling. Things are going to be just fine.

_**Jared** _

When Jared wakes up again, he feels wiped out. He vaguely remembers waking up God knows how long ago, and Jensen was there. He thinks he’s in a hospital. Again. _Dammit_. Jensen said something about an infection. Jared had been told it was possible he could get urinary tract infections because of the catheters, so perhaps that’s what happened. It feels like a truck just ran over him though, he feels like absolute shit. How many more times is he gonna wake up in a hospital?

He turns his head to the side and finds Jensen sitting next to his bed, fast asleep with his head on the mattress, circled in his arms. He smiles, relieved that Jensen is here, even after Jared dumped him. Jared notices Jensen is holding his hand in his sleep, so he weakly squeezes it. That gets Jensen’s attention, as he sits up straight and looks at him drowsily, blinking slowly. When Jensen notices Jared is awake, he gives him a tired smile.

“Hey again, Jay! How are you feeling?”

Jared tries to return his smile, but can only manage a weak one. “Tired as fuck.”

Jensen squeezes his hand. “I’ll go get the doctor.”

Jensen leaves Jared alone for only a few minutes, and then comes back with a doctor who introduces himself as Doctor Beaver. He removes the cannula from his nose since he can breathe just fine on his own, and explains that Jared indeed had a urinary tract infection. It was severe and they had to try more than one antibiotic to beat it. But he tells Jared it’s practically cleared up and he will be able to go home in a couple of days. He also says Jared will be feeling weak for a while because of the toll the infection has taken on his body, but that he will make a full recovery.

Right as the doctor leaves, Chad comes in to see him, worry written all over his face. Damn he hates to keep worrying his friend like this. Chad stays for a while, as Jensen goes and grabs a quick bite to eat, and before he leaves, Jared is asleep once more.

When Jared wakes up, he is facing the window and notices it’s already evening. Jensen is there again, and Jared feels a tiny bit less tired.

“Hey again.”

Jensen gives him a small smile. “Better?”

Jared tries to sit up straighter on the bed but he doesn’t have the strength to do it, so Jensen helps him to get comfortable. “A bit, thanks.”

An uncomfortable silence stretches between them, and Jared knows they can’t avoid the subject any longer now that he’s fully awake.

“Jen…” Jared starts, suddenly very interested in a loose thread on his blanket. “I’m sorry.”

Jensen scoots closer to the bed in the chair he’s sitting in, and touches Jared’s forearm. “Jay, we don’t need to talk about this now.”

Jared finally looks up at him, and nods his head. “Yes, we do. Let’s just get this out of the way once and for all.”

Jensen nods back, eyes fixed on Jared. “Fair enough.”

Jared tries to keep his gaze on Jensen as he speaks, even though he feels very embarrassed. There are a lot of things going on in his mind right now, and he tries to organize all of them to tell Jensen, knowing it’ll come out messy.

“Jen… I’m sorry for what I did to you. I was in a terrible state of mind. It’s not an excuse but an explanation. I felt like the bad things were piling up and I wasn’t handling it well. I just started asking myself what are you even doing with me when you can have any guy you want. You met a guy more than a year ago at a bar and you fell for him, but I’m no longer that guy. He doesn’t exist. My life is so different and sometimes unpredictable, I just don’t want you to have to deal with it.” Jared realizes he’s crying, but it’s not the first time he has cried in front of Jensen. “I remember that day we met, you said you loved how tall I was.” Jared huffs. “And I’m not like that anymore. I just… I just want you to be with the best guy in the world, one who can give you everything.” He’s not said everything on his mind yet but he can’t continue.

Jared can’t look at Jensen anymore, he looks down at his own hands as tears run down his face. God, he loves Jensen so much, why does it have to be this damn hard? Jensen reaches out and places his hand under Jared’s chin, making him look up. Jensen is looking at him kindly, and Jared just waits for what he has to say.

“Jared… first of all, you scared the crap out of me. This was damn terrifying, I didn’t know what was happening, you were burning up in my arms and I had no idea what to do. Spending hours here, not knowing if you were gonna be okay. That was the scariest thing I’ve ever been through in my life. And that’s coming from someone who escaped the WTC attacks. That’s when I realized once and for all that I can’t live without you Jay.”

“Jen…” Jared starts, but Jensen cuts him off.

“No Jay, let me say it. It’s my turn.” Jared just nods, Jensen’s right, he owes it to him to hear him out. “I did say I loved how tall you were, and I still love it. When you were walking with the braces you still towered over me remember? But Jared, that's only one of the many things I love about you. Look, the guy I met at the bar more than a year ago? I liked him. He was gorgeous and funny and I was drawn to him the first moment I laid eyes on him. Then the next day’s events happened and for a long time I thought I had lost him, and I really missed him, so so much. I cared deeply about that guy. But he's not the guy I fell in love with. The person I learned how to love, more than anything, is this Jared. _You_. The one in the wheelchair. Day by day you became the most important thing to me, and I fell in love with the guy you are now. I love your body, your legs, your scars, your wheels, because they are all parts of you. I've told you more than once that it doesn’t matter to me that you're paraplegic, it’s just something that makes you who you are. You could be green and have antlers for all I care, and I would still love you. I'm not perfect either. As you said yourself, I have deep scars on the inside like you have on the outside. My brain is messed up, I get triggered by the most trivial things. All I want is for us to deal with everything together. I just wish you'd have more faith in me when I say I love you and want to be with you, that I'm here to stay and that your injury and what comes with it is not an issue to me. I wish you'd believe I won't run away from you with the first hottie I meet. I know you're traumatized because of Justin and the different way he treated you after the accident but I'm not him, I’m not going anywhere. Can you tell me a single time I made you feel that your disability is a problem to me?”

Jared lowers his head, biting his lip. Not once, ever since they found each other again, has Jensen given any indication that he was bothered by Jared’s disability. Quite the contrary actually, he has always treated Jared normally and with respect, recognizing his paraplegia was just a part of him as any other. He doesn’t answer.

“You can't because it never was! I'm not Justin. He didn't love you like I do, not even close! I won't let you get away with this and leave me. The only way I'll accept it is if you tell me right now you don't love me the same way I love you. Then I'll walk out of your life. Could you do that?”

Jared can’t, because he loves Jensen. More than anything in his life, more than he misses his legs, he loves Jensen. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to Jared, he brought back the color to Jared’s life.

Slowly, Jared shakes his head, and Jensen continues. “Great so I'm staying. And please, stop trying to decide what's best for me, I know what's best for myself, and that's you. I know you think of yourself as a different person from the one you were before the attack, but you are still the same person you always were, you only lost the use of your legs, that's _all_. Do you know what I see when I look at your wheelchair? Not weakness, as you may think, quite the opposite actually. I see a huge act of courage, I see how strong you are. You weren’t even there Jared, you were miles away from the buildings when the attacks first happened. The only reason you even have a disability now is because you are so fucking brave. And God, I am so proud of you Jay, you are my hero. You said you wanted me to have the perfect guy, but Jay… to me, that’s you. To me, you're the most perfect person in the world and nobody else can even compare. You need to understand this, even if I could have any guy like you said... I would still choose you. I will always choose you. Please believe me, Jay. I love you so much.”

Jensen says the last words with so much emotion that Jared doesn’t have any lingering doubts. Chad has said almost the exact same thing to him on his birthday, that he was sure Jensen would choose Jared over anybody else. During everything Jensen said, Jared’s heart feels like it’s blossomed to twice its size. More tears fall as he listens, how Jensen loves every part of him, and he has definitely shown it on more than one occasion. Jensen wipes Jared’s tears away as he shakily answers.

“I believe you Jen. I love you so damn much too, I’m sorry I ever doubted you. You never gave me any reason to do so, I was a fool for breaking up with you without even giving us a chance to talk this through. I’m an idiot for listening to my insecurities talking.”

Jensen smiles, his own eyes shining. “It’s okay. How about we stop apologizing so much to each other? We’re learning together, there will be some bumps along the way but we are gonna deal with them together. That’s all that matters.”

Jared smiles back as Jensen cups his face in his hand. “Us against the world.”

“Damn straight baby.” Jensen says as he gets up from the chair to press his lips against Jared’s. Jared holds the back of Jensen’s neck and pulls him closer, tasting his lips as he sighs. God, he nearly made the biggest mistake of his life. How could he even think he could live without Jensen?

When they break the kiss, Jensen presses his forehead against Jared’s. “That means you’re my boyfriend again?”

Jared presses another chaste kiss to Jensen’s lips. “I never stopped being.”

Jensen sits down in the chair, a relieved smile on his face. “That’s what I wanted to hear.”

Jared feels a hundred pounds lighter, but they still need to talk about something. Holding Jensen’s hand, he turns serious. “Jen… there’s still one thing we need to talk about. After I made you leave, you went out and drank. That’s where Chris and I found you, at the bar where we met, and you were wasted.”

Jensen looks down at their joined hands, gathering the courage to talk about it. “I was so lost, Jay. I didn’t know what to do, you had just said you didn’t want to be with me anymore. I started wandering around. I think I had a panic attack, I remember not being able to breathe and my chest hurt, then feeling like my lungs were filling up with dust. There was a crowd of people, they were protesting I think? And you know how I feel about crowds, I was not feeling well already, and that put me right over the edge. My anxiety got the better of me, my mind was in overdrive and everything hurt. My throat ached, it was so dry. I needed a way out to make it all stop and that was the solution I found. When I opened my eyes I was in front of the bar, and it made sense in the moment. God, I feel terrible, I was doing so well.”

When Jensen looks up, there are tears on his face and it’s Jared’s turn to wipe them. “I feel so bad you had to go through this for something I did. But it’s gonna be okay. We are gonna go to the meetings, and you will be fine. It was a setback, and we’re gonna push through.”

Jensen smiles and kisses the back of Jared’s hand. “It’s fine now. I just felt the need to drink because I had lost what matters the most and didn’t see a way past the pain. I guess I just need to start over.”

Jared repeats Jensen’s gesture. “We will start over together. And I’ll be by your side in this.”

Jensen smiles, and they stay in silence for a while, but this time it’s a comfortable one. Talking about it all really helped relieve the tightness still bound around his heart and Jared can’t believe he didn’t think of doing this before it went to hell. Now he just needs to stop feeling so tired so he can get the fuck out of this hospital.

“By the way,” Jared takes a look around the room, “where’s my chair?”

“It’s at my house. You have this habit of leaving your stuff at my place.” That gets a smile out of Jared. “But I will ask Chris to bring it over the next time he comes.”

Jared frowns. “Why don’t you bring it yourself when you go home?”

“Because… I’m staying here with you, I’m not going home.” Jensen shrugs.

“Jen, you need to go home, you’re dead on your feet!” Jared tries to argue, feeling more exhausted now.

Jensen arches his eyebrows. “I am not leaving, Jared. You just woke up, you went through a lot, and I don’t care what you say, I’m gonna spend the night here with you.”

They stare at each other for a few moments, each trying to out stubborn the other. Finally Jared caves, knowing he can’t win this one. And maybe, just _maybe_ , he doesn’t want to be alone for the night.

“Fine,” he says, rolling his eyes. “But that chair seems to be too uncomfortable, why don’t you lie here with me?”

Jensen frowns, looking from Jared to the bed. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. This bed is too big just for me, I could use some cuddling… if you want.” Jared gives Jensen a weak smile, trying to convince him.

Jensen pretends to consider it for a second. “Well fine, but just because you’re asking so nicely.”

Jensen has to help Jared move to one side of the bed, since he’s still too weak to do it himself. When they are done, Jensen takes off his shoes and jeans, and climbs on the bed next to Jared, getting under the covers with him. Jared is still panting from the effort, like he just ran a marathon. He hates being weak like this, he can’t even imagine getting in his chair by himself right now if he had to, and that drags his mood down before he can help it.

Jensen turns on his side, supporting his head on his elbow as he looks at Jared, picking up on the drop in his mood. “Jay, what’s wrong?”

Jared turns his face to the window so Jensen doesn’t see him tearing up. God, why is he like this, he was just fine minutes ago. “It’s nothing.”

Jensen gently places a hand on Jared’s face, turning it to face him again, and notices the tears on Jared’s eyes. “Jay…”

Jared shakes his head, angrily wiping his tears away. “Don’t worry, it’s stupid.”

Jensen arches an eyebrow, in a ‘don’t bullshit me’ expression. “It’s not stupid. What’s going on?”

Jared sighs, looking down. He searches for Jensen’s hand, playing with the ring he uses on his middle finger. “It’s just… it’s like I can’t catch a fucking break. I’m so over it all, dealing with some kind of bullshit every day. I’m trying Jen, but sometimes it gets the better of me. I’m fucking tired of fighting a battle on a daily basis just to get by.”

Jensen leans closer and plants a lingering kiss on Jared’s temple, pressing his forehead against Jared’s and caressing his hair as silent tears run down Jared’s face. “You’re still getting used to your new body Jay, it’s still too recent. Plus your traumas have your limbic system in overdrive. I can’t promise it will get easier, I don’t know what it’s like. But I can promise to be with you all the way. We’re gonna roll down that road together.”

Jared smiles weakly, feeling more drowsy each passing minute, eyes fighting to stay opened. Jensen plants a sweet kiss on his lips and whispers, “Don’t call me a sap, okay?”

Jared wonders what he means as Jensen clears his throat and starts singing in a low voice.

_There's a hero, if you look inside your heart._   
_You don't have to be afraid of what you are._   
_There's an answer, if you reach into your soul,_   
_And the sorrow that you know will melt away._

Jared feels extremely touched listening to Jensen sing to him. He can’t help more tears from falling, both from Jensen’s beautiful singing voice and the meaning behind the song he chose.

_And then a hero comes along, with the strength to carry on,_   
_And you cast your fears aside, and you know you can survive._   
_So when you feel like hope is gone,_   
_Look inside you and be strong,_   
_And you'll finally see the truth, that a hero lies in you._

Jared stares into those beautiful green eyes, so full of love, and suddenly the darkness fades a little. Jared feels lucky to have such an amazing person in his life. He can’t fight the fatigue anymore, and as Jensen wipes his tears with his thumb, Jared finally allows unconsciousness to claim him, feeling completely safe in Jensen’s arms, knowing it will be okay. The last thing he hears is Jensen whispering the lyrics in his ear.

_Hold on, there will be tomorrow._   
_In time, you'll find the way._


	24. Chapter 24

 

_**Jared** _

 Jared has to stay another day and night at the hospital, much to his dislike. He finally convinces Jensen to go home, to at least take a shower, rest and eat real food and also bring his wheelchair back with him. Jared had asked him about his job and if Jensen shouldn’t be working, but he just told Jared not to worry about it. Jared doesn’t stay alone for long, his friends come by to visit him, and even Chris checks in on him, apologizing for being so harsh. Jared brushes it off, he deserved it, and Chris was just protecting his friend.

Jensen arrives refreshed later in the morning, saying he stopped by at work to talk to his boss and explain the situation more thoroughly. The doctor told Jared, with Jensen by his side, that he could go home in a day, but that he would still feel very weak for a few days, needing assistance to do certain things until his body restored his energy. Jared was not happy at all, he already hated depending on others, he tries to be as independent as he can, this feels like being back to square one, not being able to do anything by himself.

Jared had thought about getting a nurse or CNA to help. He knew Chad couldn’t leave work now to stay with him, and Jared wouldn’t ask him to, he has done more than enough. After the doctor left, Jensen had told Jared he would take a few more days off work to stay with him, and at first Jared said no.

“Jen, you don’t need to be my nursemaid, you have your own job. I’ll figure something out.” He was thinking about asking Danneel if she was free for a few days, but Jensen just shut him up with a kiss.

“I’m not gonna be your nursemaid, I’m your boyfriend who wants to take care of you and perhaps use this as an excuse to spend more time together. I will talk to my boss, explain everything to him, maybe he will let me work from home for a few days.”

Jared wasn’t pleased, he hated being a burden, and perhaps he mumbled that part because Jensen had only raised an eyebrow at him.

“Don’t even start with this burden bullshit, okay? You’re _not_ a burden, you’re my boyfriend, I will take care of you just like you did the other day when you found me at the bar. And before you say what you’re about to say, it is the same thing. You know the in sickness and in health thing? That goes for us too, even if we aren’t married. _Yet_.”

Jared had stopped trying to argue at that point. Having Jensen with him all the time for a few days wasn’t the worst thing in the world anyway.

So when Jensen tells him his boss is okay with it, understanding why Jensen need a few more days off, Jared is relieved. His boss has agreed with Jensen doing some work from home, but told him to take care of his boyfriend first. Jared kind of likes him instantly.

The doctor discharges Jared the next morning, and after Jensen helps Jared change into the clothes Chad had brought for him the previous day, he has to pick Jared up and sit him on his chair. There’s no way Jared can do this transfer, especially since the hospital bed is higher than the wheelchair and he’s already feeling weak as fuck. Jensen also brought a beanie, and Jared loves how his boyfriend just knows him. Even though Jared doesn’t wear them as much anymore, he still does sometimes when he needs to feel more comfortable, which is the case now, so he puts it on. After signing the release papers, Jensen wheels Jared out of the hospital to the parking lot.

Jensen carefully helps Jared into the passenger seat, making sure he’s okay, and they ride home in a comfortable silence, holding hands the entire time. From all the times he has left the hospital, this is the best one by far, having Jensen by his side making it all more bearable. He feels a lot less awful for being so dependent again over the next few days since Jensen will be there with him. When they arrive home, Jared feels better seeing his own place again. He really hates hospitals and hopes to stay away from them for a long time.

Jensen sits Jared in his chair and guides him inside. Jared still feels very worn out, so Jensen takes him to the bed, helping him to get settled, and he’s asleep almost instantly. When he wakes up, Jensen is lying by his side, head propped on his elbow, watching him.

“Creep", Jared mumbles, stretching his arms. It was good to sleep on his own bed, he definitely feels a little more rested, which in turn makes him feel better.

Jensen leans down and kisses Jared. “Your creep.”

Jared smiles into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Jensen's neck, and murmurs, “Damn right you are.”

They stay in bed for a few minutes, exchanging lazy kisses, and then Jensen pulls back. “So… are you hungry? I can make us something to eat, you must be missing real food.”

Jared considers the idea for a moment, it really seems tempting. He could very well use Jensen’s awesome cooking skills, but there’s something he wants more right now.

“Actually… I kinda wanted to take a shower first… I feel gross.” Jared makes a face. He feels like he hasn’t showered in weeks, his hair in particular feels oily and dirty.

Jensen nods. “That’s actually a good idea. You know what? I haven’t showered since yesterday. If we showered together we could save time and water.”

Jared gives him a lopsided smile. “Oh, really?”

“Yes.” Jensen says, kissing him again. “Plus, I believe you’re still too weak to, let’s say, wash your hair maybe?”

Jared lifts an eyebrow. That actually sounds like an amazing idea. “Well, I’m pretty weak indeed.” Jared pouts and Jensen smiles, winking at him.

Jensen gets up from the bed and goes to the bathroom where Jared can see him grabbing a couple of towels before stripping down to his boxers and turning the shower on, adjusting the temperature. Jared takes off his shirt as Jensen walks back to the bedroom to Jared’s side, leaning down to talk in a hushed voice.

“I’m gonna carry you, that okay?” Jared nods, the bathroom is right there and being carried by Jensen sounds actually too tempting to pass up. Jensen places his arms under Jared and lifts him from the bed and Jared puts his arms around Jensen’s neck, planting small kisses on it as Jensen walks them to the shower. He sits Jared on the stool, kissing his lips in the process, and the warm water falling on his body feels fantastic. Jensen helps him take his boxers off, and Jensen does the same. Jared catches himself staring right into Jensen’s dick, and for the first time he sees an advantage in having to sit down.

Jared allows the water to sluice over him for a few moments, closing his eyes and looking up so it rains on his face. He leans forward out of the spray and opens his eyes, looking up at Jensen who’s staring down at him, a loving smile on his face.

“Feeling good?”

Jared nods. “Awesome, really.”

Jensen reaches for the shampoo, squeezing some in his palm and starts lathering Jared’s hair, massaging his scalp and holy crap, it feels delightful. Jared closes his eyes again for a moment, just enjoying the feeling of Jensen’s gentle hands in his hair.

Jared opens his eyes again and finds Jensen’s gorgeous body right in front of him, so using his hands he spreads his own legs apart, and then wraps his hands around Jensen’s thighs, bringing him closer so he’s positioned between Jared’s legs. Jared runs his hands up and down Jensen’s thighs to the curve of his ass, and he notices Jensen’s dick is growing harder right before his eyes. With a smirk, Jared looks up and finds Jensen watching him. Jared looks down again and wraps a hand around Jensen’s dick. Jensen takes a sharp breath, hands going still for a moment in Jared’s hair. Jared strokes it lazily, watching it hardening further in his hand. He massages Jensen’s balls and captures the head in his mouth. Jared sucks it hard as he keeps stroking the shaft. He grabs Jensen’s butt cheeks to bring him even closer, swallowing his whole dick until it hits the back of his throat. Jensen turns Jared's face up just a bit so the lather doesn’t fall on his face as he rinses Jared’s hair. Jared takes the opportunity to stare at Jensen as he sucks him. Jensen holds Jared’s hair in a firm grip, his pupils dilated and he’s breathing hard. Keeping the eye contact, Jared sucks him harder, squeezing Jensen’s balls, all the time keeping his hold on one of his butt cheeks.

Jared suddenly stops moving, looking at Jensen and lifting an eyebrow, hoping he will get the message. Jensen does as he smiles widely, using his hold on Jared’s hair to start moving his head back and forth, setting up a rhythm, bringing his head up so his whole dick is inside Jared’s mouth. Jared hums around it, squeezing Jensen’s balls one more time, and it’s not long before Jensen is coming. He keeps Jared in place as his load fills his mouth, Jared sucking him through it, swallowing it all while looking up at Jensen. When it’s over, Jared lets go of Jensen’s cock as Jensen drops to his knees, kissing Jared fiercely under the hot spray, grabbing his face with two hands and thrusting his tongue into his mouth as Jared holds him close to his body.

“That’s a nice way to shower,” Jensen gasps into Jared’s mouth as they slow down.

“Now it’s your turn.”

Jensen pulls back and frowns. “I thought this was my turn?”

Jared laughs. “Turn around and sit.”

Jensen does as he’s told, sitting on the floor with his back to Jared. Jared picks up the shampoo and starts washing Jensen’s hair as well, taking his time massaging the scalp. Jensen keeps making noises of pleasure, he needs the relaxation just as much after the last several days of tension. When Jared’s done, they wash each other’s bodies, taking their time.

When all the cleaning and rinsing is taken care of, Jensen leans down, placing his hands under Jared’s thighs.

“Hold tight,” he whispers close to Jared’s face. Jared assumes Jensen is taking him out of the shower stall, so he puts his arms around his neck and does as Jensen says. He feels himself being lifted up, but instead of stepping outside, Jensen pushes Jared against the wall, keeping a strong hold on his thighs as he presses his body against Jared’s, who wraps his arms around Jensen’s shoulders and neck.

“I need to feel you,” Jensen breathes, kissing him thoroughly, slowly, with an open mouth trying to capture as much of Jared in it as possible. Jared returns as best as he can, pulling Jensen close and kissing back, letting his tongue tangle with Jensen’s. Keeping his hold with one arm, he reaches out between their bodies down until he finds Jensen’s cock, which is already chubbing up again, and he starts jacking it off quickly, as Jensen thrusts into his hand, hard, and fucks Jared’s mouth with his tongue. Jared strokes him until he’s coming again between their bodies, moaning into Jared’s mouth. Jensen kisses Jared one more time and pushing Jared up on the wall a bit, he kisses his way down Jared’s neck and chest, sucking his nipple hard into his mouth, making Jared see stars. He does the same with the other, finishing with a small bite, and Jared’s mind short circuits in pleasure.

Jensen sits Jared on the stool again so they can clean up the mess they just made, and Jared can barely keep himself sitting upright. Once they are rinsed clean again, Jensen turns off the shower and moves Jared to the toilet seat, toweling him dry. Jared doesn’t even have the strength to argue that he could do it, because he’s too spent to do it himself. So he allows Jensen to do the job, and after drying himself, Jensen puts a towel around Jared’s shoulders and carries him back to the bedroom, laying him on the bed. Jensen puts on his boxers and returns to the bathroom, coming back with the bottle of Cetaphil. He gently spreads the thick lotion over Jared’s whole body, paying extra attention to his legs, since Jared actually uses the lotion on them to prevent his skin from drying, and consequently, causing rashes. Jared loves to see Jensen’s hands on him, and he loves even more how Jensen takes care of him. He is beginning to understand that Jensen doesn’t do it because he thinks he has to, but because he genuinely wants to.

When Jensen is finished, he sets the bottle aside and dresses Jared in boxers too, then joins him on the bed. Even though Jared just woke up, he feels very sleepy again. Apparently so does Jensen after the shower that turned into an amazing make-out session, because he lays down next to him. So Jared turns on his side and pulls Jensen closer.

“That was the best shower ever,” he mumbles, eyes already closing.

“We should do it more often.” Jensen smiles as he presses a chaste kiss to Jared’s mouth. They could definitely do that everyday.

*

Later, both of them are at the table having dinner that Jensen prepared. It tastes delicious, especially after having bland hospital food for days. They eat in silence for a while when Jensen clears his throat, making Jared look up from his plate.

“Hey Jay… there’s something I need to talk to you about. Actually, two things. The first one is about an invitation. I was supposed to tell you sooner but given the last several days I couldn’t.”

Jared puts down his fork. “An invitation, really?”

Jensen nods. “Yeah… Steve is getting married next month.” Jared raises his eyebrows. He knew Steve was engaged but didn’t know much about the wedding plans, nor that it would happen so fast. “They decided not too long ago, really, and have been rushing with the preparations. They rented a big house at Long Beach, and they are having the wedding and reception there. It’s actually supposed to be a small weekend trip for the guests with the wedding happening on Saturday night. Steve asked me to be one of the groomsmen and I’d like to ask you to be my date.”

Jared considers it, he still feels weird around too many people, but there’s no way he will say no to Jensen. This is important. A weekend away at a beach house sounds really nice, plus he gets to see Jensen in a tux. So he nods. “Well, it will be my pleasure to be the date of the most handsome groomsman in the wedding.”

Jensen rolls his eyes. “You haven’t even seen the other ones.”

“Well, you are the most handsome man on the planet, ergo, the most handsome one at the wedding too,” Jared says with a wink.

“I beg to differ, there’s someone who I happen to know who is way more handsome than me, and he happens to be at this very same table, what a coincidence!” Jared blushes at that, and Jensen picks up his hand to place a small kiss on it. “By the way, the invitation is extended to Chad and the rest of the group too, I guess they actually got along well.”

Jared is happy to hear that, it will be a good opportunity to hang out with all of his friends, they are gonna love that. “That’s great, Jen. So, what’s the other thing you wanted to talk to me about?”

Jensen bites the inside of his cheek. “It’s actually about Thanksgiving, which as you know, is next month and a couple weeks after Steve’s wedding. My parents and siblings are flying here to spend it with me, especially because I didn’t want to do anything last year. I had nothing to be thankful for so I skipped it altogether, but this year they’ve already said they are coming… I’m having dinner at my place, and I want you there, of course.”

Jared frowns. Jensen doesn’t talk much about his parents; he knows they never liked the fact that Jensen is gay, but he has told Jared they have been talking more after the WTC attack happened and they seem more opened to him. Apparently almost losing a son changes priorities.

“Do they know about us?”

Jensen nods. “I’ve told them I have a gorgeous boyfriend named Jared.”

Jared cocks his head to the side, and changes the question. “Do they know about me?”

Jensen looks down. “Jay…”

“Jensen.” Jared interrupts him, touching his forearm and waits until he looks up. “You haven’t told them I’m a paraplegic, have you?”

Jensen shakes his head. “No, I haven't, not yet. I don’t want to tell them about you over the phone, there are so many things to say. But I do want them to meet you, so much.”

“Fine.” Jared nods. “I’ll go, but only if you tell them beforehand. I don’t want my first meeting with your family to happen with all of them shocked because the guy you’re dating is in a wheelchair.”

Jensen opens his mouth to protest, but Jared holds up a hand. “You know I’m right. It’s better to prepare them first, please Jen.”

“Okay, I’ll tell them first thing after they get here. Thanks for agreeing to this.”

Jared smiles, and they continue their meal in peace.

*

Jensen stays with Jared for a couple more days, and very slowly, Jared gets his strength back. He already manages to make the transfers in and out of his chair by himself, and feels way better. Not that he minds having Jensen help him, but it’s good to have some independence back.

It’s the last night Jensen is spending at Jared’s, tomorrow he will go back to work and Jared already misses him. He kind of got used to having Jensen around all the time, but he knows they must take it slowly. If things go this well between them, they can live together in the future. Jared really likes that idea.

Jared transfers to his bed after going through his nightly routine, and he’s waiting for Jensen to be done with his shower to join him. He sits on the middle of the bed propped up by some pillows, with only his boxers on, and adjusts his legs with his hands. He has an idea of what he wants to do tonight, he just hopes Jensen is on board, and more importantly, that it doesn’t completely suck.

Jensen steps out of the bathroom, only a towel wrapped around his waist, his body still a bit damp. Jared swallows hard, he can never get used to how gorgeous Jensen is. Jensen picks up on the way Jared is almost drooling, and he smirks.

“See something you like?”

Jared swallows hard, paying close attention to a drop of water that falls down Jensen’s chest. “Well, I’m not sure… maybe if you come closer, I can get a better look.”

Jensen’s smirk grows, and he climbs on the bed on all fours, kneeling over Jared, both hands against the headboard, on each side of Jared’s head. “What about now?”

Jared brings his face closer and presses a kiss to his mouth. “I definitely like it. You look delicious.” Jensen laughs and Jared blushes, nervous with what he’s about to ask, looking down. “Jen…”

Jensen picks up on Jared’s nervousness, so he lifts a leg and kneels beside Jared, lifting his face with his fingers. “What’s up, Jay?”

Jared looks up, feeling his cheeks burning. What if Jensen thinks it’s a horrible idea? “I wanted to ask you something, but I’m considering whether or not it’s a good idea.”

Jensen scoots closer to Jared, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. “You can tell me baby, no need to be shy.”

That helps Jared a bit, so he gathers the courage to ask. “I want… I want to try and have you inside me, Jen.”

Jensen drops his hand, cocking his head to the side, frowning at Jared. “Jay… are you sure about this?”

“Yes.” Jared nods. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I want us to make love properly.”

“But…” Jensen starts, feeling nervous himself. “Jay… you won’t be able to feel it.”

Jared swallows hard. “I know. But still, I want to try and see how it goes. Even if I won’t feel it, I want you inside me. If there’s someone I trust enough to try this with, it’s you.”

Jensen stares at Jared for a few moments, his eyes filled with deep emotion, and he finally nods. “Fine. We can try. But if you ever want to stop, at any moment, you need to promise you will tell me and we stop.”

“Deal.” Jared says with a nervous smile.

Jensen leans over and kisses Jared’s cheek. “Do you have lube and condoms?”

“I have lots of lube, yes.” Jared needs it to use the catheters so he always has lube on hand. “But I don’t have any condoms. Do we need it?”

Jensen bites his lip. “I was tested when I was at the hospital after the attack, and I haven’t been with anyone ever since.”

“I have been tested too, I’m all good. We don’t need condoms.” Even if Jared won’t feel Jensen, he still wants to have him inside with no barriers.

Jensen nods and reaches into Jared’s nightstand, where there’s a bottle of lube. He throws it on the bed and straddles Jared’s legs, getting up on his knees. “Well, if you’re sure…” Jensen looks down at the towel around his waist and back at Jared, lifting an eyebrow.

Jared gets the message and reaches out to grab the towel, pulling it and revealing Jensen’s full gorgeous body. Jared stares at his dick, and thinks how much he would love to feel it inside of him, but he doesn’t let the thought last long. Not tonight. Tonight is supposed to be good, and it will be.

Jensen touches his own dick, and begins stroking it lazily. “You sure you want this cock inside you, Jay?” Jared nods, swallowing hard. “Good, because it’s been dying to get inside you as well. To fill you up completely.” He lets go of his dick and leans over to kiss Jared hungrily, tangling their tongues and cupping his jaw with one hand.

“God Jay, can you even imagine? When we are finally one?” He murmurs against his mouth.

“Y-yes… please” Jared answers, feeling nervous. Jensen brings his hand down and places it over Jared’s heart.

“I love how it beats fast, only for me.”

Jared nods, staring deeply into Jensen’s emerald eyes. “Only for you.”

Jensen smiles and kneels back, placing his hands on the elastic band of Jared’s boxers, looking up at him. Jared nods, and Jensen takes them off slowly, down his legs and feet, tossing them aside.

“God, so gorgeous,” Jensen whispers, going back up and kissing Jared one more time, then moving to his jaw and neck, sucking hard on a spot there, making Jared’s arms shiver.

“Hmm, you like that, huh? Maybe I should leave a mark here, brand you as all mine.” Jensen sucks harder on the spot for a few seconds, then ends with soft kisses on it to ease the aching. “Gorgeous and mine,” he mumbles, making his way down.

Jensen’s hands travel down Jared’s chest, stopping at his nipples. From the look on Jared’s face, Jensen remembers very well how playing with them can make Jared feel. Licking his lips in the sexiest way possible, Jensen traces his finger around the areola, rubbing his thumb over the tip. Then he leans down and traces the same path with his tongue, licking the tip back and forth, giving it a small bite in the end. Jared’s breaths become more erratic, his body immediately responding as his upper back arches and drops of sweat fall down his face. Jensen tweaks the tip between his forefinger and thumb, and then sucks the whole thing into his mouth, making Jared grunt. He’s glad Chad isn’t home tonight, because if this keeps going, he’s not sure that Jared can be quiet.

He moves to the other nipple to give it the same treatment, and Jared grabs a handful of sheet, biting his lower lip, eyes closed shut in pleasure. Jensen smiles into his skin. “God, I love seeing you like that.”

He continues down, leaving a trail of kisses on Jared’s stomach, and sucks his bellybutton into his mouth, making Jared shiver again.

“Good?” He asks, making sure it’s not a weird feeling for Jared.

“Yes.” Jared can only mumble, because dear God, Jensen knows how to touch him in the right way. His brain shuts down as Jensen starts licking and sucking at his waist, and he’s sure his toes would be curling if they could move.

Jensen then picks up Jared’s arm, pressing kisses on it and licking his palm thoroughly, then repeating the process with his other arm. He sits up straight and picks up a pillow from the bed, placing it under Jared’s hips, so he has better access to his hole. Jensen picks up Jared’s right leg and bends it at the knee, planting a kiss on his thigh like he did the first time they were intimate.

Jared holds onto his thigh to keep his leg in place as Jensen reaches for the lube, opening the cap and coating his fingers with it, looking at Jared.

“You’re really sure?”

Jared nods. “More than anything.”


	25. Chapter 25

_**Jared** _

“Then let’s do it. Watch.” Jensen shows Jared his lubed middle finger, and slowly circles it around his hole. It’s weird not to feel his touch there but Jared focuses on watching what Jensen is doing. He inserts the tip inside, and bites his lip.

“God Jay, you’re so tight.” Jared watches as Jensen carefully slides his finger all the way in, keeping a strong hold on Jared’s hip at the same time. “So warm and tight and perfect. I love it.”

Jensen moves his finger back and forth, then removes it completely. Jared imagines he’s gonna add a second one, but Jensen reaches out for Jared’s hand instead. Picking up the lube again, Jensen re-coats his own finger as well as Jared’s middle one. He looks up and winks. “Let’s do this together.”

Jared’s heart skips a bit as he realizes what Jensen is doing. Jensen places Jared’s finger on his own entrance, and it’s odd when he has to touch his hole. He imagines it’s like touching someone else’s. But soon Jensen’s finger joins his, and they move inside Jared together. They stretch him open slowly, scissoring their fingers, and it actually feels good. He can feel himself and Jensen inside him in his own way through his finger. They hold each other’s gaze, the moment extremely intimate. They are both learning, together.

Jensen has Jared add a second finger, and they work on him for a while, opening him slowly and thoroughly, letting Jared feel Jensen through entwined fingers inside himself. “Jen... you don’t need to take so much time doing this, it’s not like I’m gonna feel any pain anyway.”

Jensen smiles at him lovingly as they keep working. “That’s exactly why we need to do this properly, Jay. If it hurts you won’t be able to feel it, and we won’t know if I actually hurt you.”

Jared nods, impressed with how thoughtful Jensen is. He is so lucky to have this man in his life.

When Jensen is finally satisfied he removes their fingers, and both wipe them on the towel that’s still on the bed. Then, Jensen looks down at his dick and back at Jared. “Want to do the honors?”

Jared nods and picks up Jensen’s hard cock in his hand. It’s pulsing and red, and Jared suddenly wants to have it in his mouth, but resists. They have other plans right now. He gently coats the member with a lot of lube, bringing it close to his hole. Jensen picks up Jared’s leg and places it over his shoulder, holding his thigh and giving it a small love bite. “I love your thighs, you know that?”

Then he lines up with Jared’s entrance, and Jared feels nervous. He won’t feel a thing, he just hopes it doesn’t suck. Jensen notices Jared’s expression, and takes Jared’s hand. “It will be good for you too, I promise.”

Jensen guides Jared’s hand down to his hole, placing it around his dick. “Feel this.”

Very slowly, Jensen starts pushing into Jared, who can feel the movement with his hand which is still lightly wrapped around Jensen’s dick and touching his own hole. He can feel with his hand as Jensen works to slide all the way in, very slowly.

“Jesus, Jared. You feel so damn amazing. I’m so glad there’s nothing between us. You’re so tight and warm around me, can you feel this?”

Jared nods wordlessly in wonder, eyes going from Jensen’s face to their joined bodies, and it looks as great as it feels on his hand. Jensen bottoms out, and Jared massages his balls which are now touching his hole. Jensen bites his lip, breathing hard.

“I’m all the way in, and I’m gonna start moving now.” Jensen takes his hand from Jared’s hip and brings it to Jared’s confused face. “Open your mouth.” Jared does and Jensen inserts his middle finger into Jared’s mouth. He pulls his cock almost all the way out, and does the same with his finger. They stare right into each other’s eyes as Jared feels with his hand Jensen pushing back inside, mirroring the movement with his finger.

Jared’s eyes moisten as he realizes what Jensen is doing. He gives Jensen a small smile and nods, as Jensen repeats the movement, fucking Jared’s mouth at the same pace as he fucks his hole. Pleasure takes over Jared’s body, the feeling of Jensen’s finger in his mouth and how he can actually feel Jensen fucking him in a way with his hand riding along Jensen’s dick on every thrust, making his brain almost explode. Keeping his hold on Jared’s leg with his arm, Jensen reaches around it and grabs Jared’s dick, starting to stroke it also with the same pace. Jared doesn’t think anything can happen there, but he’s too blissed out to say anything, all the parts he _can_ feel are shivering and he’s sweating, his breath coming out harshly as Jensen ups the pace, fucking his body and his mouth harder, adding another finger in his mouth. Spit drops down Jared’s chin as he keeps looking at Jensen, who’s biting his lips and murmuring.

“God, so perfect, I love you so much Jay…” He removes his fingers from Jared’s mouth and grabs his hip again. Keeping the strokes on Jared’s dick, he leans down to press a kiss on his mouth. “I’m gonna come now.”

Jared feels Jensen’s cock tightening around his hand, he pulls out at the last second and comes on Jared’s hand and his entrance. Jared strokes him all the way through it, and when it’s over, Jensen takes Jared’s hand and brings it up to his own dick, and they stroke it together a few more times, coating it with Jensen's come.

“Jen…” Jared starts saying, his body on a sensory overload. “You can stop, it’s not gonna work, it’s fine.” And it’s more than fine, what just happened was already too fucking fantastic to put into words.

“Are you sure? Look again.”

Jared looks down, and notices that his own dick is growing harder and bigger between their hands. His jaw drops. “W… what?”

Jensen smiles, stroking him harder. “I knew not-so-Little Jared wouldn’t want to be left out of the party.”

Jared looks at his half hard dick, and this time he can’t control his emotions. Jensen leans over and kisses a tear away.

“I told you we should be patient. See? We can make it work, together.”

Jared is at loss for words as he sees that he has a full erection, something he didn’t think he could have again without some artificial aid. He looks at Jensen, who has a blinding smile on his face.

“We can’t let this go to waste, can we?” With a mischievous smile, Jensen removes his hand from Jared’s cock, wrapping Jared’s own hand around it tighter so he keeps stroking it. He reaches for the lube again and coats his fingers, straddling Jared’s legs. Jared frowns, wondering what the hell he’s doing, when Jensen reaches between his own legs, quickly inserting a finger inside.

Jared watches Jensen working himself open, his jaw dropping. “Jensen… are you…”

Jensen just nods, lifting an eyebrow and biting his lip. “I am.”

Jared watches Jensen inserting three fingers inside, and what a fantastic view that is. “Jen… have you done this before?” Jared needs to ask, because Jensen just seems like a top kind of guy.

And apparently he is right, because slowly, Jensen shakes his head, eyes never leaving Jared’s. “Never. I only want to do this with you.”

Jared swallows hard, a wave of emotion taking over him. He looks at his fat dick in his hand, and imagines it inside Jensen, the only dick that has ever been inside him. Jared has never been a top, but he suddenly can’t wait to see Jensen riding his cock, even though he won’t feel it properly, only in their own way - which isn’t bad at all, as it turns out.

Jensen finishes opening his hole and positions himself. He spreads his butt cheeks apart with his hands, lowering himself carefully onto Jared’s dick, who aligns it with Jensen’s hole. Jared keeps a hold on his member as Jensen grabs his hips to pull him up, and with his hand he can feel when it starts to breach Jensen.

“Holy fuck, Jared!” Jensen bites his lower lip, his breathing becoming more labored. He moves slowly in small figure eights, working more of the cock inside him, Jared knows he’s got a big dick so Jensen must be in some pain, especially since he has never bottomed before. Jensen’s face shows a bit of discomfort, so Jared uses his free hand to remove one of Jensen’s from his hips, and he tangles their fingers together, squeezing hard. Their eyes never leave each other’s as Jared finally feels with his hand that he’s all the way in.

There are drops of sweat running down Jensen’s forehead, and Jared brings their joined hands to his mouth, dropping a kiss on the back of Jensen’s, at the same time caressing his stretched out hole with his other hand. “Deep breaths, baby.”

Jensen’s breath hitches as he breathes through it, and finally he moves, going up on his knees again, then sinking back down, and each time he feels more comfortable. Jensen shifts his hips, and suddenly he throws his head back, eyes closed shut.

“GODDAMMIT, JARED!” Jared chuckles, he probably hit Jensen’s prostate and he knows - or knew - the feeling all too well.

“You like that, Jen?”

Jensen looks at him again, his pupils blown so wide, the green in his eyes are almost gone. “I will show you how much I like this.”

He starts moving harder, faster, bringing their joined hands to his own dick which is half hard again, and they start jacking him off together. Jared takes in the sight in front of him in wonder, how sensual Jensen looks, and how amazing it is to see himself inside of Jensen and even feel it in a way. Seeing the obvious pleasure Jensen is feeling, makes Jared’s own pleasure grow within him.

But to Jared’s utter horror, he suddenly feels his own dick getting flaccid in his hand, slipping out of Jensen as he rises one more time. Time stands still as Jared freezes, eyes wide in shame. His cheeks burn and he feels completely embarrassed, his body failed him again right when he needed it the most. Jared removes his hand from Jensen’s dick and tries to sit up straighter, pulling away from Jensen. He feels tears building up in his eyes, why did it all have to be ruined?

He looks away, but Jensen reaches out and grabs his jaw forcefully, making Jared look at him again. “Jared, it’s okay, just finish it.” He pants, hand lazily stroking his dick.

“What?” There’s no way Jared’s cock will get hard again in time to finish what it has started.

Jensen quickly lets go of his cock and grabs the lube, coating three of Jared’s fingers, bringing it to his entrance. “Finish. It.” Jensen demands, lifting an eyebrow, message clear. He goes back to stroking his dick, and Jared pushes his fingers inside Jensen, who already feels loose from his dick.

Jared grabs Jensen’s hip for leverage as he fucks him as deep as he can with his long fingers, biting his lip hard. Jensen places a hand on Jared’s chest, playing with his nipple. Jared crooks his fingers inside Jensen, making him scream again as he hits his prostate. Jensen leans forward and kisses Jared, passionately, mumbling _harder_ , biting his lip until it bleeds, eyes locked on each other.

He presses his forehead against Jared’s as he comes for the second time, between their bodies. Jared’s sinking his nails into Jensen’s hip, Jensen’s hole clenching around his fingers and a wave of pleasure overpowers Jared for a few seconds when Jensen comes, some drops hitting his chin. Jensen licks them, kissing Jared again so he can taste all of him.

When Jensen is spent, Jared removes his fingers and collapses on the pillows, all his strength drained away. He feels blissed out, his heart is beating fast and it feels like he’s soaring. Jensen leaves him for a few moments, coming back with a couple of warm wet cloths. He cleans Jared’s stomach, hole and dick, as well as his fingers, then proceeds to clean himself. Throwing the used cloths aside, Jensen pulls Jared’s legs until he’s lying straight on the bed, and then joins him. Jared turns on his side and so does Jensen, both sharing a pillow. Jared can’t control his emotions anymore, tears falling on the pillow. He takes Jensen’s hand and links their fingers.

“Thank you.” It’s all he manages to whisper, his voice breaking in the end. After becoming paralyzed, Jared was completely sure he would never have sex again, he never thought someone would be interested in finding ways to make him feel pleasure, never even considered it a possibility. He was trying to accept the fact that his sex life had died forever, and knowing he wouldn’t feel that kind of pleasure again was severely depressing. But then Jensen reappeared in his life, changing everything Jared believed - to now include sex as well. He gave Jared his life back. Where there was only an endless dark tunnel, now there’s light, love and the hope of a future. This was the final piece. What Jared didn’t think was possible, but again, Jensen showed him otherwise. Jensen made sure to find a unique way for Jared to feel him, to be included, to experience it with him. Jensen has no idea the size of the present he gave Jared tonight. His body has found a new way to feel pleasure, and Jared is learning it doesn’t suck at all, it’s just different. Their first time was actually a lot more special like this than it would have been if Jared was able-bodied.

Jensen cards his fingers through Jared’s hair, staring at him for a few moments before leaning over to plant a kiss on his forehead. “I love you more than anything,” Jensen whispers close to Jared’s face, who can’t even begin to find proper words to answer. Jared just pulls him closer as sleep begins to claim him, exhausted from all their activities. Jared picks up Jensen’s hand and presses it over his chest, so he can feel his heart beating fast.

“You made it start beating again, ” he finally responds quietly as Jensen places one arm around him. Right now, Jared wouldn’t change a thing.

_**Jensen** _

A couple of days later, Jensen arrives at Jared’s place to pick him up so they can go to the AA meeting. It’s the first one after his relapse. He had wanted to go back sooner, but with all that happened with Jared, Jensen just couldn’t do it. He’s nervous, he was doing so well and then it all went to shit. But Jensen knows he can do it again, he has Jared by his side and that’s all he needs.

Jared opens the door with a smile on his face, and Jensen is so happy to notice that Jared’s smiles have become more and more genuine ever since Jensen found him again. Now his smiles reach his eyes, and they are shining again. It’s so amazing to see Jared picking up the pieces and slowly getting his life back together. Jensen loves to see Jared smiling, and having Jared by his side is the only cure Jensen needs.

Finally going all the way with Jared was much more amazing than Jensen ever imagined. He was dreading it only because he wasn’t even sure if Jared wanted to try and Jensen was prepared to respect Jared’s wishes if he didn’t. Jared had surprised him by asking Jensen to make love to him, and Jensen had to be creative so Jared would enjoy it too. He had wanted to find a way for Jared to feel him, and he thinks he did a good job. The look on Jared’s face during it and after, was like watching a flower bloom. And being able to get Jared’s dick up had been the cherry on top of a delicious sundae. For the first time in his life, Jensen had wanted to bottom for someone. And it was the best feeling in the world, having Jared inside him, and only Jared.

Jensen leans down and kisses Jared, he can never get used to how amazing his boyfriend tastes. He can see how Jared is even more radiant after their night together, and that brings a huge joy to Jensen’s heart. He knows more than ever that he can do this with the wonderful man by his side.

At the meeting, Jensen feels nervous. Rob doesn’t ask why they have missed a few meetings, and Jensen is glad. When it starts, Rob welcomes them, and when he asks if anyone wants to share anything, Jensen raises his hand. His heart is beating fast, and he looks at Jared, who is smiling at him. Jensen reaches out with his hand and Jared promptly takes it, entwining their fingers, and Jensen brings their hands to his lap. They hadn’t shared with the group that they are together yet, even though Jensen knows some of them must suspect, especially Rob. It feels good to officialize it so they can be themselves, one hundred percent. Plus, he can draw strength from Jared’s warm touch. Jensen takes a deep breath.

“Hi guys, I’m Jensen. I have missed the last few meetings, but I really needed to be here again. I had a relapse a few days ago. I had a breakdown of sorts that led to a panic/anxiety attack because I thought I had lost the most important thing in my life. Again.” Jensen looks down at Jared’s hand in his, and smiles to himself. “It was the only way I had found to cope before, and I was desperate. I realized too late that wasn’t the way, it would only make me feel worse. I got back what I had lost, haven’t had any more alcohol since that night and my life has started making sense again. I didn’t come to the meetings sooner because there was an emergency, but it’s all fine now. More than fine, really. I’m ready to start over, and I will do that as many times as I need, especially since I have everything I need right by my side.”

Jensen brings Jared’s hand to his mouth and kisses it. Everyone smiles at them, apparently happy to see them finally admitting they are together.

When the meeting is over and people start leaving, almost everyone stops by to say a kind word to him and Jared, and Rob joins them.

“Hey guys, I was worried about you. I’m glad to see you’re both okay and that you’re back, especially you Jensen, after what you went through. We are always here to help, you know that.” Jensen nods his appreciation. “You mentioned an emergency, I hope everything is fine now.”

Jensen looks at Jared, he doesn’t know if his boyfriend wants to talk about what happened, but Jared nods. “Yes, I got sick and spent a few days in the hospital. But I’m back to brand new now, nothing to worry about.”

Rob nods, getting up from the chair he had been sitting on, and pats both of them on the shoulders. “Good to know. By the way, you make a great couple, I’m happy for both of you.”

Jensen takes Jared to dinner afterwards to celebrate their returning to the meetings, just because they can.

_**Jared** _

Jared is sitting on the couch, waiting for Jensen, and he can’t wait for his boyfriend to arrive. He had texted Jensen earlier asking him to stop by after work because he has some news to share. The first thing being that he finally has his own set of braces and crutches, as well as a walker, so he can walk around at home, after practicing it at rehab. Jensen hadn’t been able to take him to the last session a couple of days ago because his boss had asked him to work some extra hours, so Chad took Jared, and he didn’t say anything to Jensen so he could surprise him.

He has been wearing the braces under his pants and practicing with the crutches and the walker for a while, going for short walks around the house and in the backyard even though he gets tired easily. It’s awesome to stand tall again, reach places he can’t reach when he’s in his wheelchair, and just feel more independent altogether even though he’s much slower moving this way. Plus, it’s good exercise for his legs and important to take the pressure off his butt since he stays seated for so long.

The doorbell rings, and Jared’s heart skips a beat. He yells for Jensen to wait, and reaches for the crutches, pulling himself up and locking the braces. Slowly, Jared takes the few steps to the door, heart beating fast with excitement. He shifts his balance so he’s supporting himself on one crutch as he uses his other hand to open the door, finding Jensen looking down as usual, expecting to see Jared in the chair, and the look on his face when he slowly looks up and sees Jared standing is priceless. His eyes are wide as saucers, mouth agape. Jared chuckles, giving Jensen a huge smile.

“Hey Jen, what’s up?” Jared gives him an innocent look.

“Jay… what…” Jensen stutters, looking at Jared from head to toe.

“Like what you see?” Jared carefully moves to the side, making room for Jensen, who steps inside, eyes never leaving Jared’s body. “I got my braces, crutches and walker at the last rehab session. I didn’t say anything because I wanted it to be a surprise.”

Jensen comes out of his shock, and gives Jared a blinding smile. “Oh my God Jay, that’s so awesome! You little bastard, you just wanted me to look like a fool, huh?” Jared just shrugs, feigning innocence. “Well it worked, and I’m very happy. Nice to see you looking all Sasquatch again!”

“You only say that because you’re a shorty and you’re jealous that I’m taller than you.”

Jensen chuckles. “That’s true. But right now, I want to hug you.” Jensen steps closer and places his arms around Jared, holding him close to his body.

Jared can’t hug him back since he has his arms on the crutches, keeping him balanced. He buries his face in Jensen’s shoulder and whispers. “I want to hug you back.”

Jensen arranges his arms so he’s holding Jared firmly. “You can hug me, I’ve got you.”

Tentatively, Jared raises his arms, crutches dangling from his forearms, and his body stays in place so he feels safe to wrap his arms around Jensen’s body, as tight as he can, and it feels so good. He hasn’t hugged Jensen like this, full body pressed against his while they’re both standing up ever since the first day they met. Back then, they were almost strangers, but when Jared felt Jensen against him for the first time, he felt strangely at home, and that feeling has only grown. Jensen’s arms are the best place in the world, where Jared feels safe and loved.

They hold each other for a long time, and then break apart carefully, Jensen keeping a strong hold on Jared until he has both crutches securely on the floor and his hands on the handles. Jared slowly makes his way back to the couch, Jensen keeping a hand on his lower back the whole time. Jared plops down and Jensen joins him. After Jared sets the crutches aside, Jensen leans over and kisses him.

“That’s really awesome Jay, I’m so proud of you! Now you can walk around the house and even go out with the braces if you feel comfortable enough. I bet it’s a nice break from the wheelchair.”

Jared nods in agreement. “Plus, it’s damn good to be tall again. I miss that, being eye level with people instead of looking up at them all the time. But that was only one of the reasons I called you here. I wanted to talk to you about something else.”

Jensen lifts an eyebrow, picking up Jared’s hand in his. “What’s up Jay?”

“Jeff, my captain that you met at the fire department party, paid me a visit today.”

“Oh really? What did he want?”

Jared bites his bottom lip. “Actually, he wanted to offer me a job at my station.”

Jensen’s eyes widen in surprise. “Oh wow, really? That’s terrific news, Jay, what job?”

Jared shrugs. “As a fire dispatcher. It’s the person who takes the 911 calls and talks to the callers, dispatches the units, coordinates the teams, gives medical instructions and stuff.”

Jensen kisses the back of Jared’s hand. “It sounds great, Jay. What did you tell him, are you taking it?”

Jared couldn’t stop thinking about it ever since Jeff arrived at his doorstep earlier and offered him the job. He was surprised to see Jeff there, he had thought he had come only to see how he was doing. He thought maybe Chad had mentioned to him that Jared had been hospitalized, but Jeff told him he actually had a proposal for him. He told Jared he had given him time to adjust to his new life, but he really missed him at the station and wanted him working there again. Of course Jared couldn’t be a firefighter anymore, but they would have an open position for fire dispatching in a couple of months, and he wanted Jared to take it. Jared had been excited about it, he was getting pretty bored with being home all the time. He really wanted an occupation, he just wasn’t sure what he could do, and the only thing he was good at was being a firefighter. So Jared told Jeff he was interested, knowing he could still be useful to his station felt nice. He would need to work out the dynamics but he found he really wanted to try. It would be a way to stay close to what he loved doing the most.

“I said I wanted to, yes. Jeff said I would start in January, there’s some training first and I can work part-time at least in the beginning to see how I adapt to it. I just need to figure out the transportation. I could ride with Chad but he works longer hours on shifts, and his schedule could be different. Maybe I could see if I can catch a bus or something. I really want that to work out. It would be a good opportunity for me to actually do something, to feel useful again, especially to be back at my station again. Even though I can’t do what I really loved anymore, I could still play a part and be involved.”

Jensen gives a sweet kiss to Jared’s lips and smiles. “I’m sure we’re gonna figure something out. I’m very happy and excited, going back to work will be great for you. We still have a couple of months, we’re gonna make it happen.”

Jared smiles, feeling a bit more confident, not missing the way Jensen said _we_ instead of _you_. It feels nice to know they are a unit, and they are in it together. “Thank you.”

Jensen kisses him again. “I think we should order pizza to celebrate the awesome events of this evening.”

“I think that’s an amazing idea.”

It’s all goddamn good.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHOdUKS1m3k&)

_**Jared** _

Jensen picks Jared up so they can go rent their tuxedos for Steve’s wedding. When Jared opens the door for Jensen, he instantly knows his boyfriend is up to something.

“Hey baby, what’s up?” Jensen kisses Jared, a big smile on his face.

“What are you up to, Jen?” Jared chuckles.

Jensen tries to look offended for about 3 seconds, but fails. “I have a surprise for you Jay! Come on!”

Jensen looks like a kid, and Jared can’t help but feeling excited too, he knows whatever Jensen has for him has to be great. So after getting his stuff and locking up, he follows Jensen to his car. He wheels towards the passenger side as usual, but Jensen calls him.

“No Jay, come here with me for a second.” Jared follows Jensen to the driver’s side, clueless to what his boyfriend wants. Jensen unlocks the door and sits sideways on the car seat, motioning for Jared to come closer. He wheels as close as he can, and notices Jensen holding something that seems attached to the bottom of the steering wheel. Jared frowns, he has seen something like that before, but it’s not what he thinks it is… is it?

“Jen… are those…”

“Yes!” Jensen nods, smiling brightly. “Those are hand controls. You can drive the car with those… no need to use your legs.”

Jared’s jaw drops as he inspects the device closer. It’s not really attached to the steering wheel, but actually to the pedals. He’s speechless. “Did you… did you adapt your car?”

Jensen shrugs. “Not really. Those are portable. I was reading about car adaptations and I learned about those, you can basically adapt any car very easily so a person without the use of their legs can drive. I thought it would be perfect for you.”

Jared lifts both eyebrows. “You were actually doing research on ways to help me?”

Jensen makes a ‘duh’ face. “Well, obviously. I’m always doing research to learn more about your disability and ways to make your life better. Did I forget to mention that?” He gives Jared an innocent look, and Jared can’t believe it. Is Jensen even real? He takes Jared’s hand and gives it a squeeze. “I was trying to come up with something so you could go to work and back home easily. The easiest way is if you can drive, that’s why I went after the hand controls. Of course you’re gonna need a special driver’s license, but that’s not a problem, we still have some time until you start working. The controls are pretty easy to use, I’ve been practicing a bit.”

Jared looks from the controls to Jensen, who has an expectant look on his face. Seriously, is he real? “Jen… that’s awesome, I really appreciate it… but I don’t actually have a car to use the controls.” He didn’t have a car even before the accident, he never really bothered with one as he could take the bus or subway or a cab anywhere, or even borrow Chad’s car when he really needed it.

“I know. But I figured you can just borrow my car to go to work. It’s fine.” As Jared opens his mouth to protest, Jensen holds up a hand. “I know what you’re gonna say. But Jay, I don’t work too far away, I mostly take the bus anyway. Besides, you need the car much more than I do. I don’t mind. _Really_. I told you we were gonna find a way for you to get to work, so this is it. Maybe in the future you can have your own adapted car, but for now I’m happy to offer you mine.”

Jared feels tears building up in his eyes, Jensen did another beyond wonderful thing for him. He really meant it when he said _they_ would find a way for Jared to go to work. He feels embarrassed for ever having doubted Jensen’s love for him. “Thank you,” he says in a low voice, not trusting it enough. Jensen gets it and smiles back at him.

“So, you wanna try it? We actually just need to go do the tuxes later, I wanted to show you this first.”

Jared nods, and Jensen gets up so Jared can take the driver’s seat. As Jensen takes his chair to the trunk, Jared touches the steering wheel. God, it has been so long since he drove a car. He can’t believe he’s about to do it again, all thanks to Jensen.

Jensen takes the passenger seat, and proceeds to show Jared how to work the controls. Press one side for gas, and the other for breaks. It’s a bit weird to think he won’t need his feet to drive, but Jared tests the controls and it doesn’t seem hard. Slowly, with Jensen’s help, Jared starts driving. He lives on a quiet street, so he doesn’t panic. He goes very slowly, but Jensen was right, it is pretty easy. All he needs to do is press the controls and steer the wheel. He is nervous, but Jensen keeps a hand on his shoulder, and it actually feels damn good. It’s awesome to find out Jared can actually do something he didn’t think he could, and he feels great. He takes a quick look at Jensen, who is looking back at him with a huge smile on his face. Jared drives for a little while longer, then pulls the car up to the curb and stops. He looks at Jensen and smiles as his boyfriend pulls him into a hug.

“See! I told you it was easy! Now all you need is a license and you can go to work!”

Jared presses a long kiss on Jensen’s lips. “Thank you so much.” He could thank Jensen for the rest of his life for all he has done for him, and it still wouldn’t be enough.

“You’re welcome, Jay. All the best for you. Now, what do you say we go get our tuxedos?”

“Sounds nice.” Jared nods. “But you better drive, I don’t want to be pulled over while driving without a license.”

Instead of taking out Jared’s chair just so he can move to the passenger side, Jensen picks him up and carries him around the car. Once Jared is seated, he pulls Jensen closer before he can walk away, and plants another kiss on his lips. “You’re the best boyfriend in the world.”

Jensen smiles. “Second best.”

Jared really doubts that.

*

A few days later, Jared and Jensen are on their way to Long Beach on Saturday morning after Jared’s rehab session. It’s a surprisingly warm day for early November, and the forecast says it will continue like this on Sunday too, so it looks like the weekend away will be a good one. Jared’s friends will be there too, and it will be good to hang out with them as well. He’s in a good mood, he has started the process of getting his driver’s license and he has been practicing with Jensen, not only driving but also getting his wheelchair into the car himself, and out again. He needs to take the wheels off and lower the backrest as Jensen does, but he just puts everything in the backseat. He must learn that since he will be driving to work alone and won’t have anyone to stow the chair for him. It’s another step towards his independence, and it helps his self-esteem a lot. As Jensen said, he can get his own adapted car in the future, and that would be cool. He could be the one picking Jensen up for a change.

When they arrive at the house, Jared is pleasantly surprised. He figured it would be nice but that’s _nice_. Once they’ve parked and Jared is in his chair, he takes a look around and notices there aren’t steps outside, at least where he can see. The house is easily accessible for him and that’s a good sign. Jensen puts a duffel on Jared’s lap and carries two suitcases, and together they make their way inside. The interior is just as nice and wide as the outside, and Jared suddenly hopes there’s a bedroom downstairs.

Steve happily greets them, welcoming them into the house and apparently reading Jared’s mind. “Thanks for coming guys! You’re staying in the downstairs bedroom over there, if you want to get settled!” He points to a door down the hall. “Just please, make yourself comfortable, everything is being arranged for tonight in the backyard and it looks incredible!”

After greeting Steve, both of them go to their bedroom. Jensen opens the door and Jared wheels inside, his jaw dropping. The room is huge, with a big bed and an en suite bathroom which is just as spacious. There’s even a plastic chair placed in the shower stall for Jared. He has a feeling not everyone gets to have a private room, let alone one with a bathroom in it. He turns to Jensen. “I need to thank Steve for choosing an accessible house.”

Jensen shrugs. “Well, I might have told him we wouldn’t be able to come depending on the place he chose for the wedding.”

Jared stares at Jensen incredulously. He asked Steve to choose a place that Jared would be able to access, otherwise _they_ weren’t coming. He smiles at Jensen. “Thanks for that, I really appreciate it.”

Jensen leans over and kisses Jared. “How about we go check out the rest of the house?”

*

A couple hours later, everyone has arrived and are already enjoying themselves at the private beach right behind the backyard. Jared is at the patio balcony in their room, watching everyone having fun, lost in thought.

“Hey!” Jensen says, startling him. He had been talking to Steve and Jared didn’t hear him come back to the bedroom.

Jared gives Jensen a small smile. “Hey yourself.”

Jensen stands behind Jared and wraps an arm around his chest, planting a kiss on the top of his head. “Wanna go out there?”

Jared looks up, eyes wide, and back at the beach. He does want to go out there, very much actually. He loves the beach, but he hasn’t been to one ever since the accident, and he has no idea how what it would be like now. He doesn’t answer, but apparently the longing look on his face tells Jensen all he needs to know. “Well, let’s go change and get down there!”

Jared looks back up at Jensen, feeling uncertain. “I just… I don’t know. I don’t think all that sand will be good for my wheels, and I don’t want to have problems especially with the wedding later and being so far from home.”

“I’ll just carry you, then. You know that’s not a problem.” Jared looks down at their friends having fun, and even though he’s not a fan of being carried in front of people, he knows they won’t mind. Plus, he really wants to go there and enjoy the sunny day with Jensen.

“Fine, we can go,” he says in a low voice, and Jensen kisses his cheek.

“Awesome!” Jensen yells for Chad, who’s lying on the sand with Danneel, to set up two lounge chairs for them. Chad grins and yells back for them to get their asses down quickly.

They go back inside the room, and Jared fumbles in his duffel, coming out with his swimming shorts. He hasn’t worn shorts in public after his paralysis, and he’s not too comfortable with showing his thin pale legs. Biting his lip he looks at Jensen, who stares back at him, probably picking up on his uncertainty, and smiles.

“You’re gonna be so goddamn hot in those, I may have to keep you away from hungry eyes!”

Jared laughs, and he feels a bit less nervous. Jensen has seen his legs, and if he likes them, that's all Jared needs. He finally changes into the shorts and a white t-shirt, and puts on his sunglasses. Jensen finishes changing too, and gets two beach towels for them. They make their way through the backyard and all the wedding preparations, and stop at the deck. Sandy is nearby and Jensen asks her to take the towels to their chairs, then crouches down in front of Jared, his back to him. He looks over his shoulder and winks. “Hop on baby, I’ll be your ride today!”

Jared chuckles and wraps his arms around Jensen’s neck, holding as firmly as possible. Jensen places his hands under Jared’s thighs, and carefully hoists him up, adjusting his balance so Jared is secured on his back. “Okay there?”

Jared plants a kiss on Jensen’s neck. “Awesome.”

Jensen slowly walks them through the sand, carefully sitting Jared on a lounge chair. He scoots the other one as close as it will go and joins his boyfriend. “That’s what I’m talking about!”

Soon they are surrounded by friends, and they spend a while just talking and hanging out, having cool drinks and snacks, and it feels marvelous. Jared has taken off his shirt and the sun is kissing his skin. He can’t help but smile. The weather is just perfect for them.

After the conversation has died down a bit, Jensen turns to Jared. “Wanna go down to the water?”

“You think I can?” Jared frowns.

Jensen scoffs. “Obviously. It’s the sea, not Mount Everest.” Jensen positions himself again so Jared can climb on his back. “Come on.”

Jensen carries Jared to the edge of the ocean and both sit down in the shallows. The water is a bit cold but not too much, and Jared’s smile dimples when the salt water touches his skin, he has missed it sorely. Jensen positions himself so he’s behind Jared, who leans against Jensen’s chest, waves gently crashing into their legs. They laugh and make out, Jensen holding Jared close and kissing his warm, salt-sprayed skin. They watch the sky together, and Chad and Stephen’s attempts at surfing. Jared hasn’t felt this carefree in such a long time, and it’s a freeing feeling. Perhaps that’s what real happiness feels like.

*

Later, Jared and Jensen go back to their room so they can shower and get ready for the wedding. Jared showers first since he takes longer to get dressed - they’ve decided not to shower together because it could actually wind up taking longer - and he’s in the process of tying his tie when Jensen comes out of the bathroom. Jensen has a towel wrapped around his waist and is drying his hair with another one. Jared wolf-whistles.

“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” He grins as he is finally satisfied with his tie, reaching for his jacket and putting it on. Unlike Jensen, who had to get a black tuxedo and a bow tie, exactly like the other groomsmen, Jared chose a dark grey suit, a white shirt and a navy blue skinny tie.

Jensen freezes on the spot, one hand still on his towel, eyes wide.

“What?” Jared asks, checking himself to see if there’s something wrong with his outfit.

Jensen throws the towel on the bed and walks closer to him, mouth agape. “Holy fuck Jared, you… you look amazing.”

Jared blushes, looking away. It’s still weird for him getting compliments, even if they come from Jensen.

Jensen sits down on the end of the bed, pulling Jared’s chair closer to him. He reaches out to run a hand down Jared’s hair, which is still damp from the shower. “God Jay, I mean it. You are all tanned from earlier, and now with this suit, I’m this close to changing my mind and staying in here so I can undress you and have my way with this gorgeous bronzed body of yours!”

Jared chuckles, his cheeks getting warmer. “Well, as much as I would love to stay here with you, I'm sure Steve would kill us both. So we better hurry. And by the way, you don’t look half bad with that golden freckled skin of yours, too.”

Jensen smiles and places a hand behind Jared’s neck, bringing him closer so he can give him a kiss. When they break apart, Jensen looks down and notices Jared’s shoes and socks close to the bed, the only pieces Jared still needs to put on. He picks them up, looking at Jared. “Can I?”

Jared is very well capable of putting his shoes on, but he knows that’s not why Jensen is asking, since his boyfriend knows that too. So Jared smiles and nods, and Jensen kneels down in front of him, picking up each of Jared’s feet and placing them on his lap, carefully putting on his socks and shoes. Jared watches as Jensen does it, and it feels strangely intimate. Adjusting Jared’s feet back on the footplate, Jensen sits on the bed again and styles Jared’s hair, pursing his lips as he tries to decide how to make it look perfect. Once he’s satisfied, he gets up and takes a look at Jared, who pops a wheelie and lifts an eyebrow.

“So?”

Jensen licks his bottom lip. “God Jared, I could eat you up right now. I may have to really consider keeping you in here so nobody will put their eyes on you. You’re too hot for your own good.”

Jared laughs. “Well, you’re very kind, and thank you. Now go get dressed otherwise we will be later than the bride!”

Jensen changes into his tux, and then hands Jared his bowtie, sitting on the bed again, a lopsided smile on his face. Jared wheels close to him and knots the tie around Jensen’s neck, adjusting the collar of his white shirt. Jared wheels back and looks at Jensen. This time it’s him who needs to be strong and not stay in the room because his boyfriend looks like he could be on a fucking magazine cover or inside spread. Jared knows he will be the one who has to be careful because all eyes will be on Jensen for sure. But he reminds himself that Jensen chose him, and he has told and shown Jared that more than once. Jensen could have anyone but he is all Jared’s and that fact makes him feel all tingly inside.

Together they head to the backyard, and find their friends already there. The girls whistle when they see both of them.

“Oh my God guys, you look like models!” Sophia says when she spots them. Sandy makes them pose for a pic, and Jensen sits on one of Jared’s wheels, placing an arm around his shoulders. Jared presses his face against Jensen’s with his arm around his waist as they smile for the camera.

Jensen has to leave them along with Chris since they are in the wedding party, and Jared goes with his friends to find a place to sit for the ceremony. They find a row with an empty space right next to the aisle, and Jared instantly knows it’s for him, making him feel good.

The ceremony is very nice, the bride is beautiful and they make a lovely couple. But Jared only has eyes for Jensen at the altar, and Jensen keeps looking at Jared as well, both of them sharing secret smiles during the whole thing.

Once the ceremony is over, Jensen joins the group and together they head to the reception. There are no designated seats, so Jared and Jensen choose a table with their friends. The party is very nice, soon the bride and groom join them and there are toasts and speeches, and dinner is served. Once they’ve eaten, the bride and groom are called to the dance floor for their first dance. Jared and Jensen watch hand in hand as they dance together, and after that, the groomsmen and bridesmaids are invited to the dance floor along with their partners to dance with the newlyweds. Jared’s heart sinks, he wasn’t expecting that, and he stares at the dance floor with his mouth half-opened as Jensen squeezes his hand. Jared swallows hard as he watches the rest of the wedding party walking to the dance floor. He feels Jensen’s hand on his jaw, and his boyfriend carefully turns his head so Jared is facing him.

“Jared, look at me.” Jensen says, his eyes kind and warm. Jared feels tears burning behind his own eyes. Why did everything have to be ruined again?

“I--I can’t…” Jared starts, his voice faltering. Jensen leans closer and touches Jared’s forehead with his own, lowering his voice.

“Jay, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

“You should… you should take one of the girls and go dance with the others.” Jared says in a small voice. Even though Jared can’t go, it doesn’t mean Jensen shouldn’t. “You’re one of the groomsmen, you should be there.”

Jensen touches Jared’s cheek with one hand. “Jay, don’t be ridiculous.”

Jared lowers his head, fixing his gaze on the tablecloth. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles, not trusting his voice.

Jensen lifts his head with a finger, making Jared look at him again. “Jared, what did I say about us apologizing all the time? It’s okay. I don’t need to be there, I’m perfectly fine right here with you. I didn’t even know the rest of the party would be dancing too. Please don’t feel bad, we’re supposed to only have fun this weekend. Let’s stay here and watch as the others dance, okay? I love you and this changes absolutely nothing. It’s only a dance.”

Jared fixes his gaze on Jensen, and he calms down a little. He tells himself that it’s only a dance, Jensen is here with him and it’s alright. It’s only a dance, and he doesn’t want their fun weekend to be ruined.

The rest of the reception goes well. Jared tries to get his mood back up and they even end up at the dance floor at some point amongst their friends as the band is playing. Jensen finds a way for them to enjoy the music together, dancing with each other in their way. But Jared can’t help feeling sad about not being able to slow dance with Jensen as he wanted to, it was a hard blow watching the other couples dancing from afar. He tries not to let his disappointment show on his face, he doesn’t want Jensen to worry about him any more than he already does, so he sucks it up and enjoys the rest of the party.

A couple hours later the reception slowly comes to an end, and Jared is honestly anxious to return to their room and call it a night. Their friends say good night, and Jensen tells Jared to go ahead and he will join him in a minute, he has something to talk about with Chris. Jared doesn’t even bother to say he’s gonna wait for him, he just wants to go to their room and get out of his clothes.

So Jared goes to their bedroom, closing the door behind him, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself. He slowly wheels towards his suitcase, opening it and picking up his PJ’s, then transfers himself to the bed, finally getting out of his suit. He feels tired, so he just lies down in his underwear and closes his eyes. Only for a minute.

Jared wakes up with Jensen kneeling on the bed next to him, kissing his face. He must have dozed off, no wonder.

“Wake up, my Sleeping Beauty,” his boyfriend murmurs against his skin, sending shivers up his arms.

Jared smiles. “Wasn’t sleeping.”

Jensen scoffs. “Yeah sure. Come on, no sleeping yet, I have something planned.”

Jensen sits up and Jared looks up at him, frowning. “What plan? I hope it doesn’t involve me having to leave the room?”

“Actually yes.” Jensen goes to the bathroom and comes back with the swimming shorts Jared had on earlier and left there to dry, throwing them at Jared. He picks them up and just stares at Jensen.

“Are you nuts?” But Jensen has his own shorts in his hands, and he is pouting.

“Come on! Everybody else is already in their rooms, it’s a lovely warm night and the pool is heated. Please, come with me, I swear you won’t regret it. You trust me, right?”

That’s a dumb question, and Jared rolls his eyes. “You know I do.” Jared would trust Jensen with his life at any time.

Jensen grins, holding out a hand to Jared, who takes it. His boyfriend helps him to sit up. “It’s gonna be great, let’s hurry!”

Both of them change into their swimming trunks and a t-shirt. Jensen grabs towels for them, and together they head to the pool. Jensen puts the towels on a chair and takes off his shirt, jumping into the pool. Jared wheels close to it, locking the brakes on his chair and taking off his shirt too. Jensen positions himself in front of Jared and lifts his legs, pulling him forward. Jared uses the frame of his chair to lower himself to the deck, sitting down on it. With his hand, he can feel the water is indeed warm, and he suddenly wants nothing more than to get into it.

Jared hoists himself into the pool, and Jensen catches him. The water feels incredible on his skin and he smiles.

“Told ya,” Jensen says in a low voice.

“You’re such a smartass.” Jared replies, rolling his eyes, but there’s no heat in it. He loves being close to Jensen like this, especially a wet Jensen.

Jared tries to get closer to him, but Jensen has other plans. Holding Jared, he walks towards the other side of the pool, and Jared notices for the first time that there’s a portable stereo there. Jared frowns.

“What’s that Jen?”

His boyfriend smiles at him and brings the stereo closer to the edge of the pool.

Tucking a strand of hair behind Jared’s ear, Jensen stares at him. “I did this because I know how upset you are that we couldn’t dance at the reception.”

“Jen, I…” Jared starts, but Jensen silences him with a finger on his lips.

“Don’t even try to deny it Jay, I know you. So I found a way.”

Jared looks at the stereo and back to Jensen, his eyes widening. “W-what?”

Jensen reaches out and turns the music on, leading Jared away from the edge to the middle of the pool as a voice starts to sing.

_Thank you for this moment_   
_I've gotta say how beautiful you are_   
_Of all the hopes and dreams I could've prayed for_   
_Here you are_

Jensen places a firm hand around Jared’s waist, taking Jared’s hand with his other one and holding it to their side. Jared places his left hand on Jensen’s shoulder as Jensen whispers:

“I want to dance with you.”

_If I could have one dance forever_   
_I would take you by the hand_   
_Tonight it's you and I together_   
_I'm so glad I'm your man_

Jensen slowly moves them to the side to side, creating their own dance, and Jared’s throat closes up, he can’t speak. He looks at Jensen, who is smiling at him, and all the words escape Jared. So he dances.

_And if I lived a thousand years_   
_You know I never could explain_   
_The way I lost my heart to you that day_   
_But if destiny decided I should look the other way_   
_Then the world would never know_   
_The greatest story ever told_   
_And did I tell you that I love you tonight?_

Jared can’t believe Jensen did this. He was right, Jared was really upset because he couldn’t dance at the wedding. It was another thing he had lost with his injury, and it affected him more deeply than he wanted to admit. But he wasn’t counting on Jensen, his perfect Jensen, giving him this, a chance for them to have their dance, in their own special way.

_I don't hear the music_   
_When I'm lookin' in your eyes_   
_But I feel the rhythm of your body_   
_Close to mine_   
_It's the way we touch that sends me_   
_It's the way we'll always be_   
_Your kiss, your pretty smile, you know I'd die for_   
_Oh baby, you're all I need_

They dance like it’s a fairytale, eyes fixed on each other, foreheads almost touching, like a spell. It feels normal and perfect, they are in their own private world and in this moment Jared feels so happy he could shout. As the song slowly comes to an end, Jared presses his body into Jensen’s, burying his face in his neck, allowing the tears that he has been holding back throughout the whole song to finally fall. Jensen holds him tight as Jared cries, he still can’t believe Jensen gave him this, he doesn’t know what to say. The man has again left him speechless.

“Thank you.” It’s the only thing he can utter against Jensen’s skin. His boyfriend only nods, and Jared knows he’s lost for words too.

They dance to another couple of songs, just feeling each other, saying without words what this moment means for them.

Jensen kisses Jared. It’s slow and languid, and Jared pulls him closer so he can feel Jensen as much as his body allows. When they finally separate, Jensen places a tender kiss on Jared’s forehead. “Let’s get to bed. I’m beat too.”

Jensen takes Jared to the edge of the pool and hoists himself out first, then pulls Jared out by his armpits. He hands Jared a towel and places another one on the seat of his wheelchair, helping his boyfriend into it. They put their shirts on and Jensen grabs the stereo. Hand in hand, they quietly make their way back to the bedroom, neither of them saying a word. The dancing and emotional moment has drained them both.

Once in the room, they dry themselves and change into their pajamas, and after taking care of their nightly routines, they climb into bed and lie on their sides, facing each other. Jared runs his fingers down Jensen’s face.

“You’re perfect. Thank you again for this.”

Jensen smiles and leans into Jared’s touch. “Well, I told you we can always find a way. I want you to see that even if you can’t walk, there’s always a way to do things. I just wanted to dance with my boyfriend and figured it out, that’s all. It’s all about adapting.”

Jared feels exhausted, but before allowing oblivion to take over, he whispers, “In the future, we’re gonna need a house with a pool.”

The last thing he hears is Jensen’s chuckle.


	27. Chapter 27

_**Jensen** _

A couple of weeks later, Jensen is at JFK waiting for his parents and siblings to arrive for Thanksgiving. They’ve all managed to schedule their flights to arrive around the same time, since they are all coming from different parts of the country. Jensen has borrowed Steve’s SUV, because there’s no way everyone would fit in his car, especially since Josh is coming with his wife. Jensen is nervous because he hasn’t seen his family in a while, but at least his relationship with his parents had improved ever since the attack. They have been calling each other more often the past year, and his parents are more open accepting his sexuality. Jensen has told them he’s dating someone but decided to wait until he saw his parents in person to tell all the details about Jared. Not that he is ashamed of Jared in the slightest, he’s damn proud to be dating him, but he decided it would be better not to talk about Jared over the phone. He wants his parents to know the role Jared has been playing in his life ever since September 11th. That’s another reason why he’s nervous, he wants his parents to accept Jared. If they can’t, he doesn’t think they can have a good relationship going forward. Because if it comes down to it, Jensen won’t let Jared go. So he’s praying for the best.

Once everyone has arrived, Jensen drives them to his house, his mother fussing over him the whole time. His parents and sister are staying with him, and Josh and his wife are staying with Chris, who also has a spare room. He owes a big one to his friend. Jensen misses Jared and wishes he could have gone with him to pick up his family, but Jared himself had asked Jensen to talk to them first, and it would be tricky to fit Jared’s chair in the car along with all the luggage. So he needs to wait to see his boyfriend later. Jared has invited Jensen’s family over for dinner, both of them had decided it would be fun to cook for them so they could all spend a night together getting to know each other, but first Jensen needs to make sure his news goes well.

It’s Jensen’s mom who asks the question when they are all gathered in the living room, talking, giving Jensen less time to prepare.

“So Jensen, you mentioned you were seeing someone… will we get to meet the lovely man?”

Jensen notices his mother tries to act neutral to the fact that he’s dating a man and she seems genuinely interested, which is way more than what he was used to. The rest of his family also looks curious.

“Yeah…” Jensen faces them all. “Jared will join us for Thanksgiving tomorrow, he actually invited you guys to a small dinner at his place tonight if you’re up to it.”

Mack smiles and claps her hands. “Awesome! I can’t wait to meet your boyfriend! I bet he’s gorgeous. Do you have any pics of him? Or is it better if we see him in person?”

Jensen looks down for a moment, biting the inside of his cheek, trying to prepare himself. He takes a deep breath and looks up. _Let this go well, please_.

“Actually… there’s something you guys should know about Jared before you meet him.”

All of them look at Jensen with matching frowns, and Alan speaks up. “What’s the matter, Jensen?”

“Well, Jared is a great guy. He is funny, very smart, and yes, Mack, he’s drop dead gorgeous. He’s also in a wheelchair.”

Silence follows Jensen’s announcement, as his family processes what Jensen has just said. Donna is the first one to break it.

“A wheelchair, Jensen? But… are you sure about this? I mean… don’t get me wrong but there are others…”

Jensen suddenly knows what his mother will say and he holds up a hand, silencing her. He won’t take this. “Mom, stop. Don’t even finish that sentence. You’re being judgmental before you know anything about him. I’m gonna tell you all about Jared and what an amazing person he is. I wasn’t even gonna say anything, but Jared himself asked me to do this before you meet him, so you don’t act all weird around him. I’m doing this for his well-being alone.”

Jensen looks at each member of his family before he continues. “Jared wasn’t always like this. When I first met him, he could walk just fine. Jared used to be a firefighter, and I met him one day before the WTC attack.”

Mack covers her mouth with her hands, as if she knows where this is going. Jensen only spares her a glance before continuing. “When I was trying to escape the building I called Jared, told him where I was. He came with his unit right away, and Jared found me when I was in the lobby trying to find a way out. I was stuck, and I made him save a pregnant woman instead of me. He made a promise to me, he said he would be back to get me out too. He never did, I was saved by a WTC worker, and for months I thought Jared had died there. It was so damn hard, and I missed him so much, I couldn’t even talk about him. But several months ago, I found him again. I learned that he had actually survived, but he ended up in a wheelchair. After getting the pregnant woman to safety, Jared was going back inside to help me when a heavy steel beam fell from the building on top of him, knocking him out. He had a lot of injuries, was in a coma for a week, and ended up paralyzed from the waist down. He was there to save people, to save me. And he will never walk again because he’s a goddamn hero. So I need you guys to respect him as the hero he is. He’s the most amazing guy I’ve ever met, I’m the luckiest guy in the world to have him.”

Silence follows Jensen’s words again, as they all take in what he just said. Finally, Donna gets up and hugs Jensen. “I’m sorry baby. Jared does seem like a great man, I can’t wait to meet the hero who sacrificed so much for other people.”

All the others agree, and Jensen lets out a breath, relieved that his family appears to accept Jared. He just hopes they all get along.

_**Jared** _

Jared is about to seriously freak out. Jensen texted him a few minutes ago saying he is on his way with his family, and Jared is going to Freak. Out. Jensen had called earlier to let Jared know he had told them about him, and it went okay, but Jared’s heart is beating a mile a minute. He already doesn’t feel comfortable meeting new people these days, and even more so when they are your boyfriend’s family. He’s dreading the way they are gonna react to him, he just hopes it isn’t a complete disaster. Jared is actually looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner, he’s glad that Jensen stayed in New York. Chad has taken a few days off to go back to Texas and see his family, and if Jensen had traveled as well, Jared would probably have to hang out by himself. Not that he’s upset Chad went home, his friend more than deserves a little vacation for all he has done and for how hard he works. But Jared is relieved he isn’t alone. But he’s freaking out nonetheless.

The doorbell rings and Jared wheels himself to the door with sweaty hands, taking a few deep breaths before opening it. The first person he sees is Jensen, who’s standing on the doorstep, smiling at him. Jared smiles back and he instantly feels a bit better.

“Hey Jay!” Jensen steps inside as Jared wheels backwards to make room. He leans down and presses a chaste but lingering kiss to Jared’s mouth, who smiles into it.

“Missed you,” he murmurs, although he just saw Jensen yesterday. He has missed him anyway. Jensen smiles and straightens himself up, motioning for his family who is still outside to come in.

Jared smiles, even though his heart is beating a mile a minute. “Hello guys, please come in!”

Jensen’s parents, siblings and sister-in-law get inside, Jensen introduces them all to Jared, and Jared to all of them. Alan and Josh shake his hand and greet Jared with smiles. Donna, Mackenzie and Josh’s wife all give Jared hugs.

“Oh my God, Jensen!” Mack turns to her brother after greeting Jared. “You weren’t kidding when you said your boyfriend was gorgeous! He’s a bit out of your league I’d say.”

Jared blushes at that, giving her a timid smile, and Jensen rolls his eyes. “Don’t say that close to him because he might realize it’s true. And you keep your eyes off my man, please!”

Donna ends the bantering, holding up her hands. “Enough, kids!” She then turns to Jared with a kind smile. “Jared, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you. Jensen has told us a bit about you, and he’s very lucky to have found such a great young man. Thanks for having us here tonight.”

Jared smiles back, feeling a bit more at ease. “It’s my pleasure to have you all here, ma’am.”

After Jensen’s mom tells him to call her Donna, they all move to the living room, and Jensen follows Jared to the kitchen so they can get drinks for all of them. Jared finally lets out a breath and Jensen kisses the top of his head.

“See baby, I told you it would be fine. They already love you!”

Jared nods. “I hope so.”

They stay in the living room hanging out and talking for a while. Jensen’s siblings are extremely nice people, and even though Jared notices his parents are a tad more reserved, they are also kind. Eventually, Jared excuses himself to go to the kitchen to check on the food and also to get some things to take to the table. He’s in the process of getting plates and cutlery, intending to carry everything on his lap, when Donna joins him in the kitchen.

“Oh darling, you should have asked us to help you, I can take those!” Jared doesn’t even have time to react as she grabs everything he has placed on the counter and takes it to the dining table. Jared sighs and decides to check on the roast beef he has in the oven, and he’s about to take it out when Donna returns.

“Please let me help you with that, don’t you worry about it!”

She steps forward but Jared holds up a hand, closing the oven door again and turning it off. He takes a deep breath before addressing her. “Donna, look. I know it may not seem like it, but I can actually do stuff on my own.”

She brings a hand up her chest, mouth agape. “Oh my God Jared, please don’t feel offended, I didn’t mean to…”

Jared holds his hand up again, he knows he just sounded rude but he needs to get this out of the way right now so they can all move on. “Look Donna, I know this is weird for you.” She opens her mouth, but Jared continues. “Believe me, it’s weird for me too. It’s also new to me and I can understand why you guys are a bit wary, not only does your son have a boyfriend, but he’s in a wheelchair. I know every parent wants the best for their child, and that may not include a paraplegic guy. For a long time I didn’t think I was good enough for Jensen myself, but he has taught me that I am, he can be very stubborn. And I’m slowly learning that. He’s given me my life back, piece by piece, and everything is much better now because of him. But I’m not with Jensen because I need him. I’m with him because I _want_ him. I _love_ him. I can take care of myself just fine, I’ve been learning how to do that for the past year and I’m doing well. I want you guys to see me as an equal, a guy who can do things in his own way, and who doesn’t need help with everything. I would just like for you to not treat my disability as the most important thing about me, it’s just part of who I am. I’m a lot more than a set of wheels. And I can carry dishes to the dining table just fine.”

He finishes with a smile, to let Donna know he’s not mad, he just want to get things clear. She stays quiet as she processes what he said, and ends up giving Jared a genuine smile. “You’re right. This is new to us, and it was a shock when Jensen told us you can’t walk. But he told us about you, and we know how brave you are. I’m sorry if I made you feel incapable, I just need to get used to it. For a long time it was hard for me to accept that Jensen is gay, but almost losing him made me reevaluate things. I’m glad it wasn’t too late. And I’m so glad he has you, Jared. My son loves you very much.”

Jared smiles back just as genuinely. “I know. I love him just as much.”

Donna nods, feeling satisfied. “I guess that’s enough for me. By the way, isn’t your family coming too? Jensen said it’s only you?”

Jared bites the inside of his cheek. “Actually, I don’t have any family. I had only my mom but she died a few years ago. It’s fine though, I have Chad who lives with me and is like a brother, and now I have Jensen too.”

Donna claps her hands together, going on full maternal mode. “Oh dear, how unfortunate! Nobody should be without a family, so from now on, you can consider us as your family too!”

She bends over to hug him, and this time it’s a much longer one than the first. Jared actually feels emotional, he misses his momma and it’s been a long time since he has had a maternal hug and he has especially missed it after everything that’s happened. So he hugs Donna back, thanking her.

“No need to thank me, dear!” She says, wiping a tear from Jared’s face that he hadn’t even realized was there, thankfully not making a big deal out of it. “Now what do you say we get everything ready for dinner together?”

Jared nods, and he feels warm inside. He’s so relieved Donna likes him, that she’s beginning to accept him, and for the first time he can actually see Jensen’s family becoming his own. It’s something he has never realized he missed, but now the prospect seems amazing.

They have a great evening together, everyone compliments Jared’s cooking skills, and he blushes. Later, when Jensen and him are taking everything back to the kitchen, Jared tells his boyfriend about the talk he had with his mother, and Jensen is glad to hear it.

“I told you she would love you, Jay. You have her wrapped around your little finger already.”

They all leave late since they spent a long time talking, and on the next day, Thanksgiving dinner is also a success. This time, the women take care of the cooking, and everything is delicious. Jared can feel Jensen’s family is more at ease around him, he spends some time talking to Alan, who is genuinely interested to know what Jared’s life is like since he has never had someone close to him who was paraplegic. Jared is glad to talk to him about it if Alan wants to learn more. In the end, they all already treat Jared like a part of the family, and his chair just a part of him as Jared had asked of Donna.

When it’s time to say goodbye to them, Jared actually feels sad. It has been good to be part of a family again. This time, he rides with them to the airport, Josh and his wife take a cab so Jared and his chair can fit in the car, but they wouldn’t have it any other way. Before leaving, Donna hugs Jared tight, inviting him to come to Texas with Jensen to visit their house. She promises him she will set up the guest bedroom downstairs for them so Jared won’t have problems accessing it. Jared discovers he actually wants to go.

On the ride back, Jensen picks up Jared’s hand and places a kiss on the back of it. “See? I told you they were gonna love you. You’re pretty much an Ackles now!”

Jared winks at him, smiling. “That’s not bad at all.”

*

Jared and Jensen also have a good time at Christmas. Jensen’s family had wanted the boys to fly to Texas for the holidays, but they decided to stay in New York and have a private celebration. Not only because the Ackles usually throw a big party and gather pretty much the entire family - and the boys have decided to go to Texas for the first time when it’s quieter so they are more comfortable - but also they wanted to spend their first Christmas together just the two of them, as it holds a special meaning. At Jensen’s place they have a nice dinner on Christmas Eve that they cook together, later placing blankets on the floor in front of the small fireplace, making sweet love on them.

On Christmas morning, they exchange presents. Jensen had already surprised Jared when he arrived the day before showing him that he had installed bars and a shower stool in his bathroom with Chris’ help, so Jared can have an easier time when he’s here. That gesture spoke volumes to Jared, not only had Jensen gotten hand controls for his car so Jared can drive, he also adapted his house to make it easier for him. That alone was present enough for Jared, but Jensen has said he has something else for him.

Both of them sit on the couch, and Jared goes first. “Jen, my first present to you is actually an invitation.”

Jensen tilts his head. “To what, Jay?”

Jared takes Jensen’s hand. “To a romantic dinner at my place in a couple of weeks.”

Jensen leans over and drops a kiss on Jared’s mouth, smiling. “Baby, we don’t need to wait a couple of weeks to have a romantic dinner… Actually we just had one last night.”

Jared gives his boyfriend a mischievous smile. “Well, it has to be in a couple of weeks because that’s the only day Cesare Casella is available.”

The look on Jensen’s face when Jared mentions that is priceless, straight out of a cartoon. “WHAT?” He exclaims, mouth hanging open and eyes the size of saucers.

Jared kisses Jensen’s hand. “My first present to you is a romantic dinner at my place cooked by your favorite chef in about two weeks. I hope you can make it.”

“But…” Jensen stutters, trying to find his words. “How did… how…”

Jared laughs and shrugs. “Well, I have my ways.” And his friend Stephen, who knows someone who knows someone and was able to pull this off for Jared. He owes Stephen big time.

Jensen comes out of his shock and hugs Jared tight, showering him with kisses. “Holy fuck Jay, I can’t believe you did this! I can’t believe Cesare Casella will be cooking just for us, you’re the best boyfriend in the world, thank you thank you thank you!”

Jared waits until Jensen calms down to pick up a box that had been lying on his lap. “This is my other present. I know it’s not as exciting, but I thought it might hold some meaning.”

He hands it to Jensen, who picks it up and carefully opens it. He takes out a brown leather bracelet, with a stainless steel plate. Jensen brings it close to his face so he can read what it says.

“Those are coordinates for the bar we met for the first time.” Jared explains to his boyfriend. Under the coordinates, there’s a piece of their song - _It was worth all the while._ “This symbolizes the beginning of our story, and everything that happened since that day was worth it, because we are here together now. And you know, this is also our song.”

Jensen reads the words over and over, and when he looks at Jared, his eyes are shining. “You know… this means even more than a dinner with a great chef.” He hands the bracelet to Jared and holds up his arm. Jared wraps it around his wrist, and Jensen runs a finger over the plate. “This is amazing Jay. I don’t even have words.” He kisses Jared again. “You’re worth everything,” Jensen whispers into Jared’s mouth, while caressing his hair.

Jensen pulls back, a significant smile on his face. “Since we’re on the subject, it’s my turn now. Stay put!” At that, Jensen gets up from the couch and disappears down the hall. He comes back not even a minute later, a guitar case in hand. He sits down next to Jared again and hands it over to him.

“Merry Christmas, love.”

Jared frowns, picking it up. “Jen, I don’t play.”

Jensen smiles. “Just open it.”

Jared does as he’s told, placing the case on his lap and unzipping it. Inside he finds an acoustic guitar, and when he picks it up, he notices there’s something written on it. It’s a bit messy so Jared brings it closer as well so he can understand what it says. When he finally gets it, it’s his turn to morph into a cartoon character face and become lost for words.

_Jared, thanks for being a hero. - Billie Joe_

Jared looks from the guitar to Jensen, back at the guitar and to Jensen again. “What the hell is this?” He whispers, his voice struggling to come out.

Jensen runs a finger down Jared’s face. “That is actually the guitar he used that day we saw them live.”

Jared tries to make his voice work, his heart beating a mile a minute. “How the fuck did you do this?”

Jensen shrugs, returning Jared’s mischievous smile from earlier. “Well, I also have my ways. By the way, we owe Steve both our souls. I’ve been keeping this for a while, waiting so I could give it to you on Christmas. It wasn’t easy.”

Running a hand over the words written on the guitar, Jared reads them again, and looks up at Jensen. “But this…”

“Perhaps if your hero tells you that you’re a hero too, you may finally start believing it.”

Jared’s eyes fill up with tears, and he very carefully sets the guitar aside, so he can launch himself into Jensen’s arms. “I don’t know what to say.” He really doesn’t. How can Jared even find words to express what Jensen managed to get for him?

“You don’t have to say anything. Just be within arm’s reach forever.”

Jared holds Jensen’s face with both hands and kisses him, passionately. “Forever and even beyond that.”

Strangely enough, this becomes the best Christmas of Jared’s life.


	28. Chapter 28

 

_**Jared** _

For New Year’s, Jared and Chad throw a party at their place for their closest friends. Jared is actually looking forward to this year that’s starting, which is an enormous change from last New Year, when he spent it at the rehab center and without any prospect of a life from then on. He feels proud for everything he has achieved during this past year, especially for the prospect of a future he thought was forever lost. He wishes that Jared from one year ago could see him now, so he would know it would be okay. At midnight, Jensen lifts Jared up from his chair with his arms around him and they kiss, and Jared knows it’s so much more than okay.

A week later, they have their romantic dinner with Cesare Casella, and it’s just perfect. The chef is very nice and cooks them an amazing dinner, Jensen can’t hide his excitement for having his favorite chef cooking exclusively for them. He thanks Jared a million times, and later when they are alone, he thanks Jared again with an amazing love making session that lasts more than a couple of hours.

*

A few days later, Jensen picks Jared up. When Jared opens the door, Jensen greets him with a kiss and moves inside, a smile on his face.

“Jay, I have a proposition for you.” He walks to the couch and sits down, Jared wheeling after Jensen and positioning himself in front of him.

“What’s up, Jen?”

“Well, I decided to go back to the gym… haven’t gone there since the attack and it’s time to go back, especially to work on my arms strength since I love carrying you around…” Jared blushes at that and Jensen smiles at him before continuing. “Anyway, I’d love if you went with me, I visited the YMCA and they have a special program for people with disabilities.”

Jared cocks his head to the side, unsure about it. He hasn’t even considered going back to the gym. Before, he would love to work out, especially since he was a firefighter. But after his paraplegia, he didn’t think it was possible to actually go to a normal gym. He only exercised at the rehab center. “Are you sure about it?”

Jensen nods. “Yes. I’d like for you to come with me and see it for yourself, talk to a trainer there, he can explain everything to you. Plus I have another thing to show you there, but that one is a surprise.”

Jared considers for a second, but he agrees. He could never say no to Jensen and it could actually be good to go back to the gym, if it’s possible to still work out being paralyzed as he is.

Jensen drives them to the local YMCA, parking in the handicap spot - now Jared’s parking permit stays mostly in Jensen’s car - and together they make their way inside. The receptionist greets them, and Jensen asks for the trainer. Soon enough, a man with the YMCA uniform walks towards them, and extends his hand to Jensen.

“Hello Jensen, nice to see you again!”

Jensen shakes his hand. “Right back at you!” He then turns to Jared. “Jared this is Aldis, the trainer I told you about. Aldis, this is Jared, my boyfriend.”

Aldis walks up to Jared and shakes his hand too, a friendly smile on his face. “Nice to meet you, Jared! Heard nice things about you!”

Jared smiles back, his cheeks blushing. “Nice to meet you too!”

Aldis asks them to follow him, and Jared takes a moment to look around, the gym is huge and spacious, making it easy for him to roll around, and full of modern equipment. Jared instantly likes it, and he wonders what he can do. Aldis turns to him. “So Jared, Jensen told me you have a spinal cord injury. I’m assuming it’s a low vertebrae?”

Jared nods as he wheels alongside them. “Yes, T10.”

“Okay, so you have full use of your hands and arms and good trunk control.” Jared nods and Aldis continues. “Then you can make use of a lot of equipment at the gym. It’s very important for you as a paraplegic to take care of your upper body, develop your strength, because that can improve your quality of life a whole lot, I can assure you. Let me show you what you can do.”

Aldis walks them to the free weights, showing Jared how to lift weights from his chair and also from a bench. Then he goes to the weight machines, showing Jared how he can transfer to them, and also the cable and pulley machines. He also shows Jared a special cardio machine called Scifit, where he can work out with his arms. When he’s finished, he sits down on a bench and addresses Jared.

“There are a lot of things you can do here Jared, as you can see. You would actually be impressed to see what a person can do from a wheelchair. And that can be you, too. We have the equipment and professionals here to help you with your needs.”

Jared is actually impressed with what he has seen. He can in fact use most equipment at the gym, except the leg ones of course, and learning all of that makes him feel capable. He’s actually looking forward to registering so he can go back to working out. “Thanks for showing me around.”

Aldis nods and looks at his watch. “No problem. Jensen, if you want to show him that other thing, it starts in ten minutes.”

Jensen gets up. “Thanks Aldis. Jay, come with me please.”

Jared says goodbye to Aldis and follows Jensen to another area of the huge building. As they go down a large hallway, Jared starts hearing voices at the end of it. When they arrive at a very large area, Jared can see they’ve reached the pools, and the benches are filled with people. He looks at at Jensen. “Jen, what’s happening?”

Jensen just smiles and asks Jared to follow him. He does, and Jensen leads them to an emptier area, sitting down on the end of the bench, and Jared parks right beside him. Jensen gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. “There’s a competition here today, just watch.”

Before Jared can ask why has Jensen brought him to a swimming competition, the competitors appear, coming from a door close to where they are. The first thing Jared notices, which is impossible not to, is that they are all either in wheelchairs or crutches. Jared’s head snaps back to Jensen. “Are they....”

Jensen nods. “They practice adaptive swimming here. I thought you would like to watch that, since most of them have injuries similar to yours.”

Jared watches as the swimmers get out of their chairs and into the water, and the competition starts. Jared is in awe as they swim freely, how fast they go even though they can’t use their legs. He can’t take his eyes off them. As the race ends, Jared can’t close his mouth.

“So what do you think, Jay?” Jensen whispers in Jared’s ear.

Jared blinks a few times and looks at his boyfriend. “That’s… that’s actually awesome. Most of them can’t move their legs at all and yet they can swim like that… I did like to swim but I never thought… do you think I could someday?”

Jared says the last part with a low voice, as if he’s ashamed of even considering it. But Jensen smiles at him, picking up his hand. “Of course you can, Jared. You’re just like them, and if they can do it, you can too. That’s why I brought you here. I thought you’d like to practice an adapted sport, and I wanted you to see it for yourself. Plus, I know how much you enjoyed the pool at the beach house so I thought you might like to try swimming. If you want to wait a bit, we can talk to the coach, he’s the one who teaches adapted swimming too.”

Jared agrees, and they wait once the competition is over and most people have left. They head towards the coach, who’s talking to one of the swimmers who is now back in his chair, and Jensen clears his throat.

“Excuse me, Coach Lafferty?” The coach turns around and nods. “I don’t know if you remember me, I had a word with you a few days ago, I’m Jensen.”

Coach Lafferty smiles and nods. “Yes, sure!” He shakes Jensen’s hand, who introduces him to Jared.

Jared also shakes his hand. “It’s nice to meet you. I was watching the race and that’s pretty impressive. Jensen was telling me you have lessons for people… like me. And I think I may be interested.”

The coach smiles again, sitting on the diving board so he can be on Jared’s eye level. The swimmer he had been talking to wheels closer to them as well, and Jensen stays behind Jared, a hand on his shoulder. “Please call me James. And yes, I teach regular swimming lessons and also adaptive ones. Swimming is actually a very good sport for someone in a wheelchair. Jack here can tell you, he has been swimming for years.”

The guy in the wheelchair - Jack - holds up a hand, which Jared takes. He notices how Jack’s fingers are slightly curved, and his grip on Jared’s hand is loose - he’s obviously a low-level quadriplegic. “Nice to meet you Jared, and it’s true. Swimming can be very good for you, it has helped me a great deal. Do you have a SCI?” Jared nods. “How long has it been?”

“Since September of 2001. I used to be a firefighter.” Jared gives them a significant look, and both men widen their eyes when they understand.

“Oh…” Jack starts, recovering from the news. “That’s… well, that’s fairly new. I’m glad you’re here, Jared. You should really try the swimming lessons, and if you’re really good at it, you can even compete.”

“Jared, we have swimmers here who joined the US Paralympic team.” James adds. “You can discover a new passion here. And also, you can be around people who are in a similar situation than yours, which can be a great help.”

Jared finds that he actually wants that, very much. Finding out he can go back to doing sports feels incredible. And as James said, being around other paraplegics, people who literally understand what he’s going through, would be another level of support. Jared loves Jensen, but his boyfriend could never fully understand. Jared realizes how important that group could be for him. So he agrees to come to one lesson.

Once they leave the gym, he goes for lunch with Jensen. As they wait for their meal, Jared goes quiet, lost in thought. Jensen reaches out and takes his hand over the table.

“Jay, what’s up? You didn’t like it today?”

Jared blinks a few times and shakes his head. “Oh no Jen, that was amazing! I just…” He blushes, looking down at his glass. “I just feel bad because you do so much for me, you know? You go out of your way to do things for me, to make my life easier and better. You do one amazing thing after the other, and I feel like I don’t give anything back in return, that’s all.”

Jensen studies Jared for a few seconds, and then places a finger under his chin, lifting his face up. “Jay… don’t you see it? You give me the most important thing, you give me your love. Before I found you again, I was so miserable and lost. And now, I’m a whole different person. I’m finally glad I survived, and I’m looking forward to a future by your side. Everything I do, it’s because I love you so much. And I do it gladly, only to see you happy and smiling. You’re very different now than the man you were that day where we met again. The shine is back in your eyes, you’re finally smiling for real again, and that’s my biggest present. What you give me in return is much, much more than what I give you. Trust me, you give me the whole world.”

Jared just stares at Jensen, eyes filling up, and he nods. They are so lucky to have each other.

*

Jared finally starts working at the end of January. He has a new driver’s license and he has trained enough with Jensen that by now he’s able to drive very well with the hand controls, as well as getting his wheelchair in and out of the car by himself, and putting it in the backseat. Jensen has made Jared drive to Manhattan and back a few times, going to his fire station, so he’s comfortable with the commute. He’s feeling nervous with the prospect of going back to work after so much time, meeting his old coworkers and some new ones. He’s also dreading how he’s gonna feel knowing he can’t go with them when there’s a call. But he’s gonna try. For himself and for the faith Jensen has in him.

Chad is riding with him, but he is working a longer shift so he’ll take the bus to come back home later. Jensen drives to Jared’s house in the morning to give him the car, and to wish him luck. He asks Jared to let him know he got to the station safely, and invites him to dinner later, to celebrate his first day.

The drive goes by smoothly, Jared doesn’t feel so nervous since he has driven this way already. Chad puts on a Green Day CD, and compliments Jared’s driving skills.

“Jaybird, those controls are great! I’m glad you can drive again!” Chad says, eyeing the way Jared operates the hand controls.

“Yeah, it’s all thanks to Jensen.” Jared says with a smile.

“It’s awesome that you have Jensen, Jaybird. I’m glad I made the right choice by telling him where to find you. You are so much better now, and it’s good to see you getting your life back. It’s nice to have you again, man.”

Jared stops at a red light and looks at his friend. It’s not often that Chad gets emotional like that, and Jared knows Chad had a hard time too with all that happened to him. “I didn’t think it was possible, but it’s happening, day by day. It’s not only Jensen’s doing though, you’ve helped me a lot too. It feels good to be bouncing back, to realize life does go on. I never really thanked you for saving me that day, for doing everything you did to get me out of there. I’m here today because of you, and now I can finally appreciate it. You saved my life twice, and you did so much for me, you helped me through it all. I don’t know what would have happened to me if it weren’t for you. So thank you.”

Chad looks at Jared in silence for awhile, processing everything, and finally nods. “We don’t need to cry and hug, do we?”

Jared punches his shoulder as the light turns green.

*

Jared parks the car at the lot and wheels alongside Chad to the fire station. He remembers the last time he was here, when they held the tribute and how bad he had felt. Back then, he still didn’t have Jensen, and he had wished his name was on the plate alongside the firefighters that had died on September 11th. He smiles to himself as he remembers that, at how much has changed since then. Now he’s grateful his name _isn’t_ there.

Jeff welcomes him, and some of his old coworkers that are at the station come by to talk to him as well. Jared smiles and greets them, saying it’s nice to be back. And he isn’t lying. Jeff takes him to the fire dispatch room, introducing him to the guys there. Jared will have training for a couple days to learn how everything works and how he needs to handle the situations, and then he will start working for real.

Jared has a good time, he has a couple of hours of training, and then he spends a while in the room watching as the dispatchers there work, and he takes notes of everything. They answer Jared’s questions when they aren’t busy with a call, and they are very friendly. Jared already knew one of them from his firefighter days. Jared is told he’s gonna have another full training day tomorrow, and then he will be able to start taking calls with supervision. He’s excited by that.

He leaves work early in the afternoon, and drives home by himself. It’s actually the first time he has done that, and it feels nice to know he’s on his own for a change, that he can go wherever he wants. Jared doesn’t really have much to do until later when he’s meeting Jensen for dinner, so he decides to take a step further. Instead of eating something at home, he decides to go somewhere for lunch, by himself. He hasn’t done that yet, every time he went out to eat he was either with Jensen or Chad. Jared is a bit scared but he also wants to start exploring the world on his own, get out from under Jensen’s wing a bit - it feels exciting actually.

Driving to the Wendy’s close to his house, Jared finds the handicap spot and parks the car. He eyes the drive thru and it’s tempting, he wouldn’t even have to leave his car, it would be much easier. But Jared actually wants to start getting out of his comfort zone and for him, this is a big challenge. So he easily takes out the frame of his chair from the backseat, setting it next to the car. Next he takes out the wheels and pops them on. He transfers to the chair and locks the car, wheeling himself inside up the side ramp. He’s dreading that people will treat him like that waitress did on that first day he went for lunch with Jensen, especially since he’s alone, but the girl at the counter smiles at him when Jared wheels closer, asking if she can take his order. Jared chooses what he wants and pays for it, and once his order is ready, the girl asks if Jared needs help with the tray. Jared balances it on his legs and decides he can do it. He carefully wheels himself to a nearby table, and a worker removes one of the chairs so he can park his own at the empty spot. Jared smiles his thanks and enjoys his meal.

Once he’s done, he goes back to the parking lot and transfers back to the car. Jared takes a moment and leans his head against the headrest, closing his eyes and smiling. He feels so damn good. He just did that all by himself, he went to lunch and it all went very well. It’s funny how before Jared wouldn’t even blink an eye about going out to grab something to eat by himself, but now it’s like he just won a huge prize. It’s funny how the little things matter so much now. He can’t wait to tell Jensen all about it.

*

Later, it’s actually Jared who picks up Jensen for dinner since he has his car. He honks and waits for his boyfriend to come out. When he opens the passenger door, Jensen has a huge smile on his face.

“Hey Jay! How was your day? Tell me everything!” Jensen sits down and leans over to kiss his boyfriend, slow and languid.

“It was awesome but now it’s better.” Jared smiles into the kiss as he answers.

Jensen gives Jared the coordinates to where they are going, and Jared tells everything to Jensen during the ride, including his adventure alone at Wendy’s. “I know it’s not a big deal, but it actually felt nice to be out there on my own for a little while. Not that I don’t like to go out with you but…”

Jensen interrupts him. “Jay, you don’t have to explain. And of course it is a huge deal that you managed to go to lunch by yourself, and I’m so glad you did. You’re slowly going out of your comfort zone, and that’s awesome. Everyone needs time alone sometimes, it looks simple but it can be a huge achievement. I’m very happy for you, and I want you to always try new things by yourself, so you can be more and more independent. You can do anything you want.”

Jared smiles, holding Jensen’s hand. Maybe he actually can.

*

**A few months later**

Jared clocks out at the same time as a message comes through on his phone. Jensen is telling him he’s arrived. Jared smiles and goes to get his stuff. It’s finally getting warm again and they have decided to go to Central Park for a picnic. Jared is starving and he can’t wait to eat whatever Jensen has packed for them.

Hanging his backpack on the back of his chair, Jared says goodbye to his coworkers and wheels outside, going to the patio where the trucks are at and he can see Jensen close to one. He looks pissed, and when Jared comes closer he can see why. His heart skips a bit when he notices that Justin is talking to him. He has no idea what Justin is doing at his station, maybe he wants to fuck someone who works here, but right now, he’s talking to Jared’s boyfriend and Jared is so not letting this happen.

Jared wheels closer to the men and clears his throat. “Jen?”

Jensen instantly turns towards him, his expression going from pissed to happy with the sight of his boyfriend. “Hey baby! How are you?”

Jensen takes a step further and leans down, planting a long kiss on Jared’s mouth, caressing his face. Jared knows Jensen is showing off for Justin and he lets him. When they break apart, Jared deliberately wipes his mouth and looks at Justin, who is staring at Jared as if he was a ghost. “Justin, long time no see. I see you’ve met my boyfriend, Jensen.” Justin’s jaw drops and Jared has to fight not to laugh out loud. He has lived to see this. “Now excuse me, we’ve got to go now. Bye, Justin.”

Jared gives him a smug smile as Jensen reaches out his hand. Jared takes it and together they head to the parking lot. Jared could bet money that Justin keeps staring at them until they reach Jensen’s car.

After driving off, Jensen turns to Jared. “Jay, it’s like that dude keeps popping up out of nowhere, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw him. Can you believe he asked me if I remember him from the party? I was about to be rude with him when you showed up and you were fucking amazing. The look on his face was priceless, I wish I had a camera. But I also noticed the way he looked at you. I dare say he could be starting to regret leaving you.”

Jared frowns at his boyfriend, thinking he’s crazy. “Dude. That’s Justin, the thing he cares most about are looks. And current me doesn’t meet his standards.”

Jensen lifts an eyebrow and gives Jared a smile. “Babe, you’re still gorgeous. And now that you’ve been working out and swimming, your body is becoming even hotter. He didn’t miss that, I can assure you.”

Jared considers that, and Jensen is right. His body is a little different now than it was a few months ago. He’s enjoying working out with Jensen, Aldis was right, working his upper body strength is helping with his quality of life. But nothing can compare to what Jared feels when he’s swimming. The first time he was at the pool with James and swam a few strokes, he felt so _free_. And as each lesson passed, Jared has slowly found a new passion. Every time he’s in the pool, Jared feels insanely happy, like that was the missing piece to get his life completely back on track. James is constantly telling Jared that he is a great swimmer, as if he was born to do just that. Jared is fast and can swim different styles, and he’s slowly considering the possibility that he could actually compete for real someday. It feels great to be passionate about something again, Jared didn’t think he could feel like that anymore, like he did when he was a firefighter. Jensen is constantly telling him how different he is, he watches Jared’s lessons whenever he can, and he always compliments Jared’s abilities at the pool, and Jared knows he’s being sincere.

Once they reach the park, Jensen finds a parking spot and they head towards the Great Lawn, Jensen holding their basket. When they arrive at a quiet spot under a tree, Jensen sets a blanket on the ground and Jared transfers to it, followed by his boyfriend. Jared grabs two sandwiches and gives one to Jensen. “I have something to tell you. Yesterday James told me he wants me to compete on Saturday at the gym.”

Jensen smiles widely, and kisses Jared. “That’s awesome Jay! You’re gonna be great, you’re a natural. Besides…” Jensen sets down the sandwich and reaches into his backpack, coming out with a notepad and a pen, and holds it to Jared. “Please, sign here.”

Jared takes the notepad, opened on a blank page, and stares at Jensen. “There’s nothing here, why do I need to sign it?”

“Just do it, please.”

Jared signs and under his signature he writes _I love you._ “Fine, what was that for?”

Jensen takes the notepad and pen back, looking at the signature. “Now I have your first ever autograph.”

Jared frowns. “Jen…”

Jensen just holds up a hand. “Jay, I know you’re gonna be big. You’re a fantastic swimmer, you’ve found something you’re amazing at, I know even James is in awe of you. I can totally see you becoming a Paralympic athlete, and I want to have your first autograph. This is gonna be worth so much money someday, but I won’t sell it.”

Jared chuckles and shakes his head. “You have way too much faith in me.”

“I sure do.” Jensen nods. “And I want you to have the same faith in yourself.”

Both of them eat in silence, watching the beautiful sunny day, adrift in thoughts. After they are done, Jensen leaves to find ice cream for them, he knows how much Jared loves ice cream. Jared crawls around the blanket to clean things up, as an old lady approaches him.

“Hello, young man.”

Jared has to protect his eyes with his hand to see the woman. “Yes?”

“I see that you’re in a wheelchair.”

Jared frowns, nodding. “I am, so?”

“Well, if you come to my church, you can get a miracle there to fix you and get up from that chair, I can assure you.”

Jared stares at the woman for a few seconds. “Thanks, but I’ll pass, I’m fine. If you will excuse me, I’m waiting for my boyfriend.”

The woman purses her lips at the mention of a boyfriend, and walks away at the same time as Jensen approaches Jared. He asks Jensen to sit behind him since his back is starting to hurt, so Jensen does that and Jared leans against his boyfriend’s chest.

“Who was that?” Jensen asks, handing Jared his ice cream.

Jared takes it and starts eating. “She came over to tell me that if I go to her church I will be fixed, I could have a miracle and get up from my wheelchair.” Jared stays in silence for a few moments as he finishes his ice cream. “She doesn’t get it, does she?” He twists his body so he can look at Jensen’s face. “We already had a miracle. Our miracle is this day. Our miracle is surviving, is having found each other twice. Our miracle is having a picnic at Central Park on a sunny afternoon. It’s finding the light after so much darkness.”

Jensen looks into Jared’s eyes for a while, and then leans over to plant a kiss on his temple, holding him tighter. “We’ve come a long way, huh?”

Jared nods. “You know… back when I was at the hospital, after learning I was paraplegic, I thought things would never be okay again, ever. But being here with you today, after everything, I just know they are. It’s finally _okay_ , and it’s so amazing to realize that. I used to believe my life was over, but now I know it’s only beginning. I thought I had lost everything, but it turns out I’ve gained so much more. At first, I thought that walking was the most important thing in the world, but now…” Jared takes a deep breath, studying the freckles on Jensen’s face.

“Now Jen, there are so many things that matter so much more, and walking is just a detail, one I won’t be grieving the loss of for the rest of my life. I’ve learned so much in these past months. How to appreciate the little things more, how to celebrate even the smallest achievement, how life is a gift and everything can change in a second, and I can’t take anything for granted. It’s still scary to think that I will spend my life in a wheelchair, but now I finally know that I _can_. I’m slowly learning how to focus on the things I do have instead of what I don’t have. And God, I have so many things. My life is different now but I’m realizing it’s not necessarily a bad thing. I will get there, bit by bit. And most importantly, I have you here with me, in every step, in every roll. As I’ve told you once, if I had the option to choose only one thing, either you or being on my feet again, I wouldn’t bat an eye. I prefer a thousand times to be happy with you the way I am now. It feels good to finally be able to start accepting my body the way it is now, starting to love myself again, and this is all thanks to you. You gave me life again. You showed me it’s still possible to have a happy ending.”

A tear rolls down Jared’s face and Jensen wipes it, planting a sweet kiss on his boyfriend’s mouth. When they break apart, Jared rests his head on Jensen’s shoulder and they watch some kids playing nearby.

“I only gave you a little push, Jay. That strength was all inside of you. Don’t they say that you only learn how strong you are when that’s your only option? You just needed your time to heal, and to find your way. I’m proud of you, proud of us. And you’re right, that lady knows nothing. She has no idea she just witnessed the greatest miracle in the world. The second chance we were given, when so many others weren’t. And we are gonna live our lives the best way we can, Jay. For us and for those who wanted so much to be here today. We are gonna make the best of it, I can promise. It’s only the beginning.”

Jared nods, closing his eyes and turning his head towards Jensen’s neck, feeling his warmth and his arms around him. “We are the miracle.”

Jensen strengthens his hold on Jared, planting a kiss on the top of his head. “Yes, we are.”


	29. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Song for this chapter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVO8sUrs-Pw)

 

_“I think we deserve a soft epilogue, my love. We are good people and we’ve suffered enough.”_

 

**May, 2015**

**_Jared_ **

Jared is getting himself a glass of water as he waits for Jensen to shower and get ready when his phone beeps. He fishes it out of his front pocket and unlocks it, reading a message from Chad.

 _Good luck today, Jaybird! -_ followed by three fist bump emojis.

Jared smiles, and types a reply. _Thanks man, I’ll tell you about it later. Give Danni and Anne kisses for me._

He feels nervous, but he knows everything will be okay. It always is. Going back to the living room, he hears Harley coming closer. Jared turns around and smiles at his buddy. Harley sniffs his front caster and lies his head on Jared’s lap. Jared chuckles and pets him.

“Sorry buddy, you can’t go with your daddies today. It’s a special day. We’re gonna be back soon though, and then we will go for a walk, okay?”

Jensen adopted Harley a few years ago and gave it to Jared as a birthday present, and Jared is crazy about his dog. He’s thinking about getting another one, he needs to discuss that with Jensen. Taking Harley off of him, Jared wheels to the side table to get his wallet and car keys, and he stares at the framed paper on it. It’s the one Jensen made Jared sign years ago, and Jared’s mind flies, thinking about everything that happened ever since, and how right Jensen had been on that sunny afternoon at Central Park.

As it turns out, Jared did become a Paralympic swimmer. He started competing at the YMCA and never stopped. Soon he had to quit his job at the fire station since surprisingly, he qualified for Athens in 2004. Even more surprisingly, he won four gold medals and a silver one at those games. He ended up becoming an instant celebrity for doing so well at the Paralympic Games, Jared gave a lot of interviews since everybody wanted to know more about him. He started being recognized everywhere he went, and he really had to start giving autographs and posing for pictures. He did not see that coming at all. But he didn’t mind, he had found a new passion in life, he had found his way, and winning a gold medal after being paralyzed was the biggest achievement in his life. Jared also went to Beijing and London, winning some medals in both those games as well. Jensen has gone with him to all of them, being by his side in every moment and celebrating his victories with him. In every interview Jared gave, he made sure to tell everyone how he wouldn’t be anything if Jensen wasn’t there with him, how vital he is in Jared’s life.

After London Jared had decided to stop competing, he wanted to swim only for fun. He ended up joining the Paralympic committee, and now he’s preparing to go to Rio next year for the first time behind the scenes. He still can’t believe the turns his life took. If someone had told him fifteen years ago that someday he would be a Paralympic medalist, he would have laughed his ass off, but now look at him. Jared feels proud of himself for his achievements. He looks at the autograph again and he’s grateful for Jensen, who had faith in him even when Jared himself didn’t.

Speaking of Jensen, his husband walks out of their bedroom and Jared can tell he’s freaking out. He can’t blame him. This is one of those days Jared is the one who needs to be strong, and he can do just that.

“Jen, are you ready to go?” Jared asks in a sweet voice, and Jensen blinks at him as if he’s only now noticing Jared there.

“What? Oh yeah, yeah, I am… let’s go.”

Jensen grabs his things and his car keys, but Jared stops him. “Let’s take my car love, I don’t think you should drive today.”

Jensen just nods, and after saying bye to Harley, together they make their way to Jared’s car. He transfers to the driver’s seat and Jensen puts his chair in the trunk. Jared feels proud of his car, he was able to buy his first adapted car a few years ago and he just loves the independence it gives him. They also keep a set of portable hand controls in Jensen’s car all the time, in case Jared ever needs to drive it.

Before starting the drive, Jared turns to Jensen, who is pale as a ghost, and takes his hand. “Jen, it’s gonna be fine. We’re gonna go together, okay? And if you feel like you can’t do it, then we won’t. I promise.”

Jensen nods and gives Jared a small smile as Jared drives off. Keeping quiet, Jensen reaches out and squeezes Jared’s thigh tight, knowing it's how Jared is able to feel it. It still amazes Jared sometimes, even after years. A while after starting to swim and work out again, combined with his physical therapy, to Jared’s utter surprise he actually regained some feeling in his legs. It wasn’t much at all, mostly around his groin and thighs, and he can feel it more when someone applies pressure on it. But it was a fucking huge deal to Jared, going from complete numbness to a small feeling, even if it’s barely there. His quality of life has drastically improved, since now he’s able to tell when he needs to go to the bathroom, and that was a major change for the better. And also, the best part of all, Jared can actually feel when Jensen is inside him now, especially if he hits Jared’s prostate hard. Jared blushes remembering the first time they had sex with Jared feeling it. Talk about an emotional day.

The sensation never progressed further than that, and Jared never got any movement back, but it’s okay. He has learned how to live his life in the wheelchair, and nowadays it’s completely a part of him. Of course Jared still has some hard days where he wishes he could just get up and walk, where it frustrates him that he can’t, but they are few and far between. For the most part Jared is happy with his life, his achievements, and especially his husband. He doesn’t dare ask for anything else, his life is actually amazing as it is. He thinks he actually enjoys his life much more now, he’s always learning new things to do, trying to overcome his limits and show himself he can do one more thing. Jared knows that if he wasn’t in the wheelchair, he wouldn’t have this thirst for living his life as best as he can. Of course he would love to walk again someday, he’s not crazy, but he knows his life is actually better now for everything he went through. The most important lesson that Jared has learned is that it takes time. Over the years, he has learned how to love his whole body as it is now. Being able to accept himself and enjoy his life as it is was a long process, and Jared feels proud of where he is today.

Jared reaches for Jensen’s hand and entwines their fingers, giving it a light squeeze. He doesn’t let go during the whole ride. He drives them to the Financial district, and as they approach it, his heart starts beating faster. Finding a parking lot, Jared parks his car and hand in hand, he and Jensen head towards the World Trade Center. From this distance Jared can see the new shining building, standing taller than any other, and he can’t hold back a tear. Looking up at Jensen, he can see the emotion on his husband’s face. For the past few years they could see the new building slowly rising, and it was a mixture of emotions for both of them. But Jared was glad to know they were doing it again, that a new story was going to take place there. Jared smiles when they come closer.

Today is the opening of the One World Trade Center Observatory, only for special guests, such as families of victims and survivors of September 11th. Jared and Jensen had been invited, and Jared wasn’t sure Jensen would want to come. Going up again in the new building, right next to the place where it all happened, could prove to be too much for his husband. Even Jared was a bit wary. As the years passed and with the help of therapy, Jensen slowly overcame his fear of tall buildings and elevators, not completely though, just a little. He still doesn’t feel comfortable in elevators, Jared knows he has to fight his mind, but Jensen can’t always avoid them, especially since Jared’s only option are elevators more often than not. Jensen always takes a deep breath when he exits them, and he keeps a death grip on Jared’s hand during the whole ride.

But Jensen actually said he wanted to go, he told Jared he saw this as a final step for him, as closure. That going up the WTC again could actually be good for him. Jared hopes it is.

Jared and Jensen stop at the sidewalk in front of the building, looking up. The new construction is majestic, the building is beautiful. Jensen squeezes Jared’s hand as both of them stare at it for a few minutes in silence. It feels like the city got a second chance, just like they did. A new beginning, a new story. Jared feels proud.

“Are you ready, Jen?” Jared asks looking up at his husband. Jensen doesn’t answer right away, he stares at the building for a couple more minutes, tears streaming down his face. Jared doesn’t bother him, he lets Jensen have his moment. Jensen always had a much worse time with everything related to the WTC than Jared, he’s very sensitive to it since he worked there, and was inside when the plane hit. Jared has never been past the lobby at the original WTC, so he can’t tell fully understand how it is for Jensen. Of course, it’s hard for him to be here too since it was right here where his life forever changed, but his husband has a much deeper connection with this place. That’s why he has to be strong for Jensen with anything WTC related.

Finally, Jensen blinks a few times and looks at Jared. “Yeah, I’m ready. Let’s go.”

Slowly they make their way towards the building, Jensen keeping a strong grip on Jared’s hand. They give their names to a man at the door, who gives Jared a look of recognition. Jared smiles and thanks the man as he lets them in. On another occasion he would love to chat, but today Jensen needs all his focused attention.

As they enter the building, Jensen stops and Jared does the same. He takes a look around the lobby, and Jared is transported to fourteen years ago, when he entered another lobby, in a very different situation. Jared knows what’s going on in Jensen’s mind.

“It’s okay, Jen. It’s not gonna happen again.”

Jensen nods, and starts walking again. They go to the entrance of the Observatory and get through security. Arriving at the hall with the elevators, Jared can hear Jensen’s breathing becoming more erratic. There are some people waiting to enter the elevators, and Jared takes Jensen to the side.

“Jen, if you can’t go, we won’t. It’s okay.”

Jensen stares at the elevators for a few moments trying to control himself. “No, I… I want to go. I have to, Jay. I feel that.”

Jared nods, and wheels towards the guy in charge of organizing people in the elevators, Jensen behind him touching his shoulder. “Hey, excuse me?”

The guy turns around and his eyes widen when he recognizes him. “Hey! You’re Jared Padalecki, right?”

Jared smiles at him. “Yes, it’s nice to meet you. I would like to ask you something. My husband doesn’t deal with elevators very well, especially the one in here, so I was wondering if it’s possible for the both of us to ride one by ourselves? We can wait to go last, no problem.”

The guy looks at Jensen, and he seems to pick up on the tension written on his face and the way he grips Jared’s shoulder. He nods at Jared. “Sure, sure, it’s no big deal. You can take the one after the next.”

Jared thanks the man and they wait. When their car arrives and the door opens, Jensen freezes. Jared looks up at him and squeezes his hand. “Jen, it’s okay. We’re in 2015, it’s all over. Nothing bad is gonna happen, it will be just the two of us. You can do it.”

Jensen takes a few deep breaths, and slowly he takes the few steps to enter the elevator car alongside Jared. The door closes and Jared feels his husband starting to shake. He tugs at his hand as the car begins to move. “Jen, why don’t you sit on my lap?”

Jensen nods and does that, sitting sideways on Jared’s legs, his own legs thrown over one of his wheels. Jensen places his arms around him and hides his face on Jared’s shoulder. Jared hugs his husband back as he shakes, and he can only pay half attention to the screens that take over the elevator walls and show New York City ever since the beginning. He bets it must be awesome to watch that.

As it turns out, the ride doesn’t take long, the elevator is really fast, and in less than a minute they arrive at the 102nd floor. Jared gently tells Jensen that it’s over, and Jensen gets up, wiping his face. Slowly, they step out into a dark room where others are already waiting. Jensen never lets go of Jared’s hand, they are on the 102nd floor of the World Trade Center and even Jared is nervous. But he puts up a smile on his face for Jensen.

On the wall a projection is shown with a lot of images of New York City, and Jared actually enjoys it. In the end the wall rises, and they find themselves facing Manhattan from above. It’s breathtaking.

Then they are taken to the 100th floor where the Observatory is at, and they have another spectacular view of the city. Jensen stays locked in place, away from the windows, but Jared pulls his hand. “Let’s go see it, Jen. Come with me.”

Jensen nods and slowly walks with Jared, and they stare at the New York Harbor and the Statue of Liberty. Tears roll down Jensen’s face and he speaks with a hoarse voice, staring at the scenery in front of him.

“At the original WTC, my office had this view. It was one of my favorite things, coming to work and looking outside my window. I used to think I was so lucky to work with this right outside. I never thought I would see this again.”

Jared places a hand on Jensen’s hip and pulls him. His husband sits down on Jared’s lap again and Jared wraps his arms around his waist, resting his chin on Jensen’s shoulder. Together they stare outside in silence, both of them lost in thought. Jared can’t express the feeling of being up here. It’s part of their miracle. Jensen was right, this is a closure they needed. And Jared is glad they lived to see this new beginning.

_**Jensen** _

Once they step outside the One World Trade Center Jensen lets out a huge breath. They did it. _He_ did it. He overcame his fears and went up to the Observatory, up the new WTC, and his heart feels lighter. He looks at Jared and smiles, leaning down to plant a kiss on his husband’s forehead. He wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for Jared.

They decide to visit Ground Zero again. They have only been there once, a few weeks after the opening, and it’s time they visit it again. There’s a museum now too, dedicated to the original towers, located under the place where they used to be, but Jared and he had agreed not to visit it, at least not for now. There are a lot of memories there and Jensen doesn’t know what their reaction would be, but they are not ready for that yet.

It’s a sunny day, and slowly they head hand in hand to the pools. Jensen smiles as he thinks about their road so far, and how much their lives changed. Now, Jensen has his own law office, with a couple employees. He’s not rich by any means, but he makes a decent amount of money. Jensen is also busy with the non-profit organization he started with Jared a few years ago, to help survivors of September 11th, called _Fighting for Tomorrow_. Jared had started to get in contact with other survivors through the internet, and they learned a lot of other people had similar issues as theirs. So together, they started a small help group, similar to the AA one, and it eventually became an organization, with events, donations, a website, professional help for those in need and much more. Jensen knows how proud Jared is of it, he gives lectures sometimes telling their story, and Jensen can see the passion in his eyes. It’s the same passion Jared has when he’s swimming, and Jensen can’t even begin to say how damn proud of his husband he is, for achieving all he did. Jared has become America’s sweetheart after the Athens Paralympic Games, not only for coming home with five medals, but especially when people found out how and where he had become paralyzed. Everybody still loves Jared for his achievements and his story, and Jensen became the jealous one since apparently everyone wants Jared now - and Jensen can’t blame them. But his husband always made it pretty clear who he belongs to: a very proud and possessive Jensen.

Jensen takes a look at the platinum band on his finger and thinks about their wedding day, a few years back. Jared didn’t want a ceremony and a big party, he had asked Jensen if they could have a small intimate event, just for their friends. Jensen didn’t ask, but he figured Jared didn’t want to go down the aisle in a wheelchair, or even on braces and crutches. So he had respected his fianceé’s wishes, and they’d had a civil marriage followed by a small party at their new house, for their closest friends and Jensen’s family. It was small, but a really beautiful day that Jensen remembers with a smile on his face.

They arrive at the reflecting pool where the North Tower once stood. They stand hand in hand for a while, staring at the empty space. Jensen feels strangely calm being here. Jared reaches out with his other hand and places something in Jensen’s hand.

“Don’t call me a sap, okay?” Jared says, winking at him.

Jared wheels away and Jensen opens his hand, finding the rosary Jared gave to him here once, and a folded piece of paper. Opening it, he reads the words written in his husband’s neat handwriting.

_Thank you for loving me_   
_When I couldn't fly_   
_You gave me wings_   
_You parted my lips_   
_When I couldn't breathe_

_-J_

Tears fall down Jensen’s face again as he looks at his husband, who has his back to Jensen. Jared is a few feet away from him, staring into the pool, one hand slowly running over the plate with the victim’s names. Jensen can imagine what’s going on in Jared’s head. He’s around the exact place where a steel beam fell on him almost fourteen years ago, changing his life forever. Jared has been through so much, and Jensen can’t even begin to say how proud he is of his husband, and how honored he feels for having Jared. Jensen thinks back about those months when he believed Jared was dead, and how lost he felt. Jared saved him, so much more than he can even imagine. He is Jensen’s everything, and looking at his husband, Jensen has no words to explain how much he loves him. Jared is almost forty, and he looks even more gorgeous now than he was when they first met, if that’s possible. Jensen loves him exactly the way he is now, and to be honest, he can’t even remember Jared without his wheelchair anymore. It’s as much a part of Jared as any other, and Jensen loves every inch of him. Plus, he gets to carry Jared sometimes, his husband is completely independent but he lets Jensen pick him up when he wants to - he knows Jared also loves to be carried by Jensen.

Jensen walks towards Jared, leaning down and wrapping his arms around his torso from behind. He kisses his husband’s temple and they watch in silence as the water falls inside the pool, down to the hole at the bottom.

“I thought my life had ended here.” Jared starts, his voice barely above a whisper. “But these past fourteen years have been a crazy ride. A ride that is far away from being finished. Being here today is a gift.”

Jensen reaches out and runs a hand over a random name carved at the plate surrounding the pool. All those people couldn’t live to see this day, this new beginning, so he silently mourns their loss. Holding Jared tighter, Jensen kisses his temple again. “Every day we’ve had ever since September 11th has been a gift. And I will keep treasuring each one of them, as long as we live. Thank you for living it with me.”

Jared turns his head so Jensen can give him a gentle kiss on the lips, and he can never get tired of how amazing his husband tastes; Jared has become his one and only addiction. They smile into the shared kiss, and go back to watching the reflecting pool on a quiet sunny morning.

They really made the best of the second chance they were given, and Jensen plans to keep doing that for the rest of their lives. As long as Jared rolls beside him, the road will always be bright.

 

_**The End** _

_“Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.”_ \- Walter Anderson

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, this is a verse. I have some timestamps written, and they will be posted soon. If you want to subscribe to the verse, you will be notified when those are published. Also, if you guys want a particular timestamp to be written, maybe you're curious about something that happened to them, let me know, maybe I'll write about that!
> 
> Now, here's a few links that help illustrate the story: 
> 
> [My inspiration Tumblr tag](http://bitchjerk.com/tagged/september+verse)
> 
> [Jared's wheelchair](http://www.ilovewheel.com/images/tilite/TRA/tra_showcase.jpg)
> 
> [Walking with KAFO braces](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18_EFTiN_d8)
> 
> [Portable hand controls for driving](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkdWr_Ie0Ec)
> 
> [Scifit cardio machine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VrDGzAIep0)
> 
> [Paraplegic gym workout](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEMONYInKi4&t)
> 
> [Elevator ride up to the One World Observatory](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKTPaqbXrAY)
> 
> [One World Observatory opening](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xZzs2QqGbE)
> 
> *
> 
> The idea for this fic came to me last August, when I visited New York City. I visited Ground Zero, went up on the One World Observatory and also visited the 9/11 Memorial. While I was there, I was deeply touched by that tragedy, amd then I also thought that it could make a great J2 AU where they survived the attack. As I said before, I know it's a tough subject, but after telling some friends about it, they actually encouraged me to write it, so I did. I took special care about dealing with such a tragedy, and I tried to approach it with as much respect as I can, I hope I did justice to it.
> 
> I have a thing about fics with disabilities, and sadly there aren’t many of them out there. So I have had this wish for a while now to write one myself. I had already approached the subject with my last Big Bang, but it wasn’t the main focus on that fic like it is in this one. I wrote this as something I would like to read as someone who loves this type of fic, I did it exactly the way I wanted a disablity fic to be like. Also, for some reason writers tend to write Jensen as the disabled character way more often than Jared, so I wanted to change that as well. I decided to put Jared in the role some writers probably would have chosen Jensen for, and I’m glad with the result. I apologize for any inaccuracies you may find in this story, I am not a specialist in spinal cord injury or a doctor by any means, this is wrote only based on research and help from friends. And I also took some poetic license here and there to fit everything I wanted in my story. 
> 
> I had a really nice time writing it, I completely fell in love with this story, I had a chance to write the boys slowly falling in love with each other while healing together. At first, I thought this would be a small fic, half the size of my last fic, but along the way I wanted to write them more and more, and it was completely natural. The boys took a life of their own, and I had to actually stop myself otherwise this fic would have been even bigger. I feel very proud of it, and I hope you love it as well. 
> 
> I want to thank my wifey Karri, as usual, for all the support she always gives me and for this fic it wasn’t any different. She was the first one to hear about it, she brainstormed it with me and is responsible for a LOT of ideas. Blame her for Green Day being in this fic (I am a fan but she was the one who suggested Jared was a fan too). Thanks one more time for all the help, we make the best team!
> 
> Also, I’m gonna thank Allison for being of a great help as well, specially on the medical aspect teaching me so much and making this story more accurate. She listened to me a lot when I had an idea and wanted to know what she thought about it. You’re also responsible for a lot of great ideas!
> 
> Another huge thank you for my amazing beta Heather, for agreeing to review this story and for loving it so much, specially for hyelling at me at times. Thank you for making it even better and for the hard work!
> 
> And of course, I can't find proper words to thank my AMAZING artist Kelly, I fought for her on claims (because of a misunderstanding where I almost lost her) and goddamn I'm so glad I did. What a pleasure it was working with her, she made not only one piece, she made art for every chapter. She gave my fic life and it was way more than I could have ever imagined. You are amazing!!
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this story as much as I do. I put a lot of love while writing it, hopefully you felt it as well. Here I send all my love to those affected by this awful tragedy.
> 
> And if you can, please spare some time to let me know what you think. It really means the world to me and gives me fuel to write more!
> 
> Love, Lullys.


	30. Soundtrack cover

Beautiful art for the [soundtrack](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6_jFN9aavogS7YAGbZ92oxqS7m_B7tHG)


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